Had to call ex DH to come over... what else could I have done?

[Churrotime]

Sat in tears as I feel like I'll never be able to function without him. We've been separated 4 months and I've done well so far. However whilst looking after our children this afternoon, I came over with crippling stomach cramps, rolling around on the floor. My 8 year old was crying and the pain was so debilitating I could barely speak and was sweating. I then had to swiftly get to a toilet and went all faint before almost passing out before passing diarrhoea.

I have zero family around me.

My daughter brought me my phone and I instantly called my ex as I genuinely thought I was about to collapse in pain. I already have a bowel condition and it appears I've come down with a stomach bug, so I do get intense, crippling stomach pains not dissimilar to child birth due to my already sensitive stomach. The pain is so similar to child birth infact that I didn't even realise that I was in labour during the early stages and almost gave birth in the car as I thought the pain would have been worse.

He came over within 15 minutes and he found me in the bathroom in a right state. My daughter crying next to me. He came in and held my hand whilst I'm sat there shitting, my torso draped over his shoulder! I then threw up in the sink! He had to help me to bed.

I'm so embarrassed.
But also how do I be ill in the future when he's not around to help/be there for our kids? He has since taken them for the evening and I'm able to rest but I'm just devastated that I had to rely on him. Luckily, he still has a key for our house. It's not like I could ever call on a friend to find me in such a state. My daughter was terrified when she found me in such a state.

Although he's helped me, he hasn't exactly understood why I called him saying "it's not like you haven't had pain like that before." I've had to explain to him that it's completely different when I'm solely responsible for our kids and in that level of pain. It is genuinely the worst pain I've ever had when my stomach is off.

Hate that I've had to rely on him.
And hate even more that he's had to come in the bathroom to me whilst having diarrhoea! 🤦‍♀️

Although he's helped me, he hasn't exactly understood why I called him saying "it's not like you haven't had pain like that before."

It sounds to me like he'll come for the children but he doesn't want to be involved in looking after you when you're ill. He's just trying to be nice about it. After all, if he gets a new partner, that's not something she's going to be understanding about.

I thought this too. It's hard but it's the reality of divorce.

As I said in my original post I have a chronic extremely painful condition myself. I’ve never rolled about on the floor and wouldn’t consider doing so in front of children in my wildest dreams. How frightening for the OP’s daughter. I don’t doubt the severity of the pain. I do not comprehend the histrionics from the OP in front of children especially when she knows she has a non fatal condition. So yes, get a grip.

Really sorry you had this experience OP, as a Crohn’s disease sufferer I totally get the pain and fainting fear. Your ex will know you’ll feel mortified and I’d talk it through with him in a few days.

To all the people giving the OP a hard time, does it feel good discriminating? This isn’t a standard case of the shits or feeling a bit ropey, this is off the scale, debilitating agony. Yes there are steps the OP can take to mitigate the situation in the future, but today sounds like it’s been harrowing enough with feeling ill, an upset daughter and an ex witnessing her at her most vulnerable. Ffs, give her a break!

My Mum also lives with a chronic, very painful condition so is used to pain but sometimes the severity of pain can cause you to act out of character i.e rolling about on the floor. There is a difference between chronic pain and severe acute pain, so count yourself "lucky" that you've not had pain so bad that you have found yourself to the point of rolling around the floor. I'm sure the OP didn't want her children to see her like that at all and yes, it must've been very frightening for her child(ren) but I don't see how your response is helpful in anyway, other than to make OP feel worse about herself than she already does?

I have Coeliac Disease and IBS. I've been shitting on the toilet whilst vomiting in the trash bin. If I feel faint (and I have) I lower my head onto my arms (awkward).
I've had attacks when DH has been away, but my DC were older (adults now) and able to take care of themselves. I know your son is 8, sorry, but I don't know if you've said your DD's age. Are they both old enough to sit in front of the telly until you call in 'reinforcements'?

I understand the pain, truly I do, but the first thing you need to do is try to control your reaction in order not to scare your DC (more than necessary).
I agree it's as bad as labour, in some ways worse because at least at the end of labour we had the reward of a baby! But just as we can control our breathing and, to some extent, our 'vocalizations' during labour, we can do the same with the belly cramps. I don't mean being completely silent, of course we're going to give out with a few moans and grunts. But doing our best to limit loud screams and rolling around on the floor. Because I was able to be relatively calm and stifle a lot of the 'noises' I wanted to make, my children weren't scared. They knew I'd be better 'soon'.

One thing to understand is that your exH may not always be around. That means that you need to start now to think of other people to call. It may not be 'fun' to explain your needs to a friend or neighbour, but you need to have someone else to call on if your DH isn't available. Also, explaining to your DC a bit about your illness 'at their level' (sometimes Mummy's tummy really hurts and she has to poo right away' may help allay their fears.

I don't see any issue with this. I've been separated 2 years, ex lives a 10 min walk away. He's taken days off work when I've been too poorly to have the kids on 'my time', turned up at 2am when both kids came down with a sickness bug and I was struggling to meet both needs, we talk daily about the kids, swap and be flexible and help each other out when we can.. I honestly think it's what makes good co-parenting and happy kids. It's not about relying on him, it's about recognising that yes, you'll be doing the lion share solo but just because you're not together doesn't mean you aren't a team raising your kids. If you're poorly when you have the kids then he should be there to pick up the slack and vice versa. It's not like you were taking the mick, it sounds awful. No one gets medals for being a martyr.

I'm really sorry you suffer from this OP. Sounds horrific you poor thing 😩😩
I would of done the same in your shoes and so what if he seen you on the toilet. I wouldn't say that was a big deal. You was in agony and probably needed to reassurance of another adult being there for the kids sake as well as yours.
As for anyone saying OP needs to get a grip etc and she should of minimised the pain in front of her children, that's not always possible depending on the severity of the pain. No it won't of been nice for the kids but it's real life and sometimes things can't be helped and are out of our control. Reassuring and calming the children afterwards would of been just fine IMO.
I hope you're feeling better now and you manage to get your condition under control with meds ❤️

Yes I do suffer from acute pain. I still have never rolled around the floor and when I have had acute attacks have made sure I took myself away from children when I wanted to burst in to tears with every movement. It’s not fair to frighten children. It’s not fair the OP has a painful condition. It’s not fair to use any of that as an excuse to get the ex round to feel sorry for her either. That may sound harsh but all this pussy footing around these facts doesn’t help the OP

I’m pleased your ex was willing and able to come to your aid when you really needed it. Kindness to each other is to be valued not scorned.

You did the right thing as you worried about your safety and the kids being so upset. Thank goodness your ex is reliable, keep things civil with him for future emergencies. Sounds like he is a decent bloke.

Fuck me. Some of the comments on here are appalling. I guarantee at least 80% of you would never have the fucking balls to say anything like this to OPs face.
Isn't it CRAZY that everyone's different, and has different pain thresholds.
"Minimise your reaction like when you're in labour" 🤣 some messed up logic on this thread. Labour wards are renowned for their quiet and calming times...

@MissMarpleofstmarymead heaven forbid anyone's in serious accident with their children hey?
"Oh Tarquin darling don't worry about Mummy's leg hanging off, let's sing a happy song"
Ridiculous. I hope you are no longer a practicing nurse as you sound hideous. And yes, I would say it to your face.

OP. I hope you're feeling better soon. There is some sound advice on here, and some absolutely batshit people...you know which are which.

Why did you tag me?
I didn't make the comment you quoted.
I am very sympathetic to the OP.

Jesus Christ! An excuse to get the ex round to feel sorry for her? Are you listening to yourself?! She was in severe acute pain and feared passing out, has said she has zero family around, so who else was she meant to call? No, it's not "fair" to frighten children but sometimes pain can be so extreme it cannot be hidden or a "brave face" put on.

Yes perhaps. I don’t buy it on the OP’s telling though. That’s just my opinion.

Sorry @TheShellBeach that should've been for @Sparkleshine21 as she said when you have no one to help you find a way but in this instance OP had exh to help look after his DC

Which of course you are entitled to. Speaking from recent experience with my Mum and as an adult "child", my Mum has tried to hide her recent pain from us but physcially been unable to. Apologies if I'm coming across snippy, it's been a tough couple of weeks and I really feel for the OP after seeing my Mum go through what she has the last 2 weeks x

I was in a whiplash neck and back brace after a car accident and I was still absolutely aware for the need moderate my reactions as to not frighten my DD more than was necessary.

Yy to "mummy isn't feeling too well I need you to go in the other room and put the TV on/bring me a glass of water" (because sometimes the most calming thing is having a job do to). Then you cry.

Its not wrong to call for help but if you dont have anyone you can call, you do just get on with it.

to the OP I also found it useful to have paracetamol and ibrophen sufficient for everyone in the household for at least three days (on the basis you can normal get a food order of delivery of supplies within 3 days), a carton of UHT milk Or powdered milk, emergency stash of cash sufficient to cover a taxi to the GP or hospital, and a couple of (no need to precook) pasta bake jars in the cupboard.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I don't think it was wrong, if you have no family or friends to call on, then your only other option would be an ambulance. If it is for your child's safety then there's nothing wrong with their father coming to help. It might be good for you to think of a back up plan in the future incase he's away and not available, or you can't get hold of him. Is a neighbour a possibility in an emergency? Also remember that you also have emergency services, ambulance or police.

Ah yes. I see.

Look op, I wouldn’t feel so badly about this. You are going through a very stressful period in your life and this sudden illness is not something you could help.

Your dh was good to come over and I am sure he doesn’t think you are taking advantage as you were responsible for the dc but unable to look after them, the illness didn’t warrant an ambulance, and this was the first time it had happened since your split. What else were you supposed to do?

I totally understand you feeling upset and vulnerable as there is nothing worse than being alone and responsible for young dc when either you or they are unwell, especially when you are so severely ill that you are frightened.

The question now is what plans can you make for the future? My husband travels a lot and when the dc were young, I found it very helpful to have a core group of three or four friends who would be there for you in an emergency situation and vice versa. Maybe other school mums who can take your dc to school when the need arises and it’s not too inconvenient for them if they are doing the pick ups and drop offs anyway?

I remember being rung up by one of my friends at 3am because she was giving birth and it was happening so fast, her parents were still en route and someone was needed to look after the other dc. She in turn looked after my dc when I was bed bound by horrendous flu. We were both happy to help one another!

If not a school mum, then an older active neighbour who has experience of childcare or nursing; maybe build up a relationship with a baby-sitter who matches this description and use her regularly so that your dc get to know her? Then the prospect of this situation repeating itself won’t be so frightening for you.

Good luck to you and hope you feel better soon.

Agree.

That’s awful, your poor mum and poor you trying to cope with it. I hope she gets some respite from the pain.

@Icedlatteplease I'm suprised you're not more sympathetic considering you've been in considerable pain yourself. I've never had a condition where I've been in that much pain yet I can still empathise.
Also you have to consider people have different pain tolerances and like I said some things are out of our control unfortunately. And OP did have someone she could call for help so she did. You can't always just get on with things.

Op you’d do the same for him. You will both have emergencies over the years and so good team work looking after the kids is positive.