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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Had to call ex DH to come over... what else could I have done?

162 replies

Churrotime · 04/02/2023 22:01

Sat in tears as I feel like I'll never be able to function without him. We've been separated 4 months and I've done well so far. However whilst looking after our children this afternoon, I came over with crippling stomach cramps, rolling around on the floor. My 8 year old was crying and the pain was so debilitating I could barely speak and was sweating. I then had to swiftly get to a toilet and went all faint before almost passing out before passing diarrhoea.

I have zero family around me.

My daughter brought me my phone and I instantly called my ex as I genuinely thought I was about to collapse in pain. I already have a bowel condition and it appears I've come down with a stomach bug, so I do get intense, crippling stomach pains not dissimilar to child birth due to my already sensitive stomach. The pain is so similar to child birth infact that I didn't even realise that I was in labour during the early stages and almost gave birth in the car as I thought the pain would have been worse.

He came over within 15 minutes and he found me in the bathroom in a right state. My daughter crying next to me. He came in and held my hand whilst I'm sat there shitting, my torso draped over his shoulder! I then threw up in the sink! He had to help me to bed.

I'm so embarrassed.
But also how do I be ill in the future when he's not around to help/be there for our kids? He has since taken them for the evening and I'm able to rest but I'm just devastated that I had to rely on him. Luckily, he still has a key for our house. It's not like I could ever call on a friend to find me in such a state. My daughter was terrified when she found me in such a state.

Although he's helped me, he hasn't exactly understood why I called him saying "it's not like you haven't had pain like that before." I've had to explain to him that it's completely different when I'm solely responsible for our kids and in that level of pain. It is genuinely the worst pain I've ever had when my stomach is off.

Hate that I've had to rely on him.
And hate even more that he's had to come in the bathroom to me whilst having diarrhoea! 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 22:55

Honestly OP, draw a line under the embarrassment tonight.

Tomorrow AM focus on moving forward, you are an adult, so get plans and provisions in place for future illness and then crack on with your life.

I’d go to bed now and get a good nights sleep.

Original poster
Churrotime · 04/02/2023 22:55

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 04/02/2023 22:46

Also it’s very easy to pass out during such bowel episodes, due to irritation of the vasovagal nerve.

Yep @JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater it wouldn't be the first time.

OP posts:
Stickmansmum · 04/02/2023 22:55

Firstly, you didn’t rely on him. Your DD did as her mum was incapacitated. He is her parent and as you were too unwell to parent he was exactly the person to come and get her. And as a human, he should stay in the house till you’re at least safely back in bed. That’s not relying on him, it just made sense it was him this time as you needed him to take his DD.

SueVineer · 04/02/2023 22:56

Churrotime · 04/02/2023 22:46

I can tell my child to leave me until I'm blue in the face @MissMarpleofstmarymead but she tends to be a sufferer of empathy, so didn't want to leave me.
Atleast you don't have that problem.

I would definitely tell your child you’re fine but need some privacy to go to the toilet. It’s really worrying that they’re so upset by this. You’re their parent- try to protect them from any worry or stress regardless of how you feel.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/02/2023 22:57

Don't be embarrassed.

Make a plan for the future. See your GP. Call him re DC, but find alternatives to manage your own care.

It's awful, but you don't want him seeing you so incapacitated and vulnerable.

Eyerollcentral · 04/02/2023 23:01

What do you want from this thread @Churrotime? I’m embarrassed for you, sorry. I do not doubt the pain was horrendous however rolling about on the floor? Get a grip - and I say that as someone with a chronic extremely painful condition. Face it, you just wanted an excuse to get your ex round. Own that and don’t pin it on your poor children

Eas1lyd1stracted · 04/02/2023 23:02

I would torture yourself about it you didn't do anything wrong. It's totally appropriate for him to collect your daughter.

Going forward can you get some support to have a plan for how to manage your condition if you become unwell again? Ideally not with ex in the bathroom. Eg maybe some handles fitted in the bathroom, a medication review and there is a call button you can set up to ring a friend (cheap ones from amazon). If there isn't someone that springs to mind can you dicuss and develop a plan with another friend who sometimes needs support so you can be eachothers emergency contact.

Plus help your daughter know who to contact in an emergency.

Hope you are feeling better soon

EarringsandLipstick · 04/02/2023 23:02

Eyerollcentral · 04/02/2023 23:01

What do you want from this thread @Churrotime? I’m embarrassed for you, sorry. I do not doubt the pain was horrendous however rolling about on the floor? Get a grip - and I say that as someone with a chronic extremely painful condition. Face it, you just wanted an excuse to get your ex round. Own that and don’t pin it on your poor children

No need for this.

WillYouDoTheFandango · 04/02/2023 23:02

I had similar in December and I am lucky my parents are just round the corner. I have IBS and caught norovirus. I had to ask my son (then 9) to call them and if they didn’t answer an ambulance. If they weren’t nearby I’d have had to call his dad as I couldn’t care for him. You did what you had to.

MissMarpleofstmarymead · 04/02/2023 23:03

Op and other posters. No I am not pissed or nasty. I sincerely didn't mean any harm by my post. I am genuinely concerned about your children in the situation and what if it happens again. As it happens I do have issues of my own health wise and I was a nurse for many years.

I didn't mean acting that you were putting it on op.

Sorry if my post came over horrible but I stand by putting children first. I also stand by that you can't go forward in life living like this.

Original poster
Churrotime · 04/02/2023 23:03

Eyerollcentral · 04/02/2023 23:01

What do you want from this thread @Churrotime? I’m embarrassed for you, sorry. I do not doubt the pain was horrendous however rolling about on the floor? Get a grip - and I say that as someone with a chronic extremely painful condition. Face it, you just wanted an excuse to get your ex round. Own that and don’t pin it on your poor children

You're right @Eyerollcentral
I couldn't wait for him to see me shitting on the toilet. Got me.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 04/02/2023 23:05

Churrotime · 04/02/2023 23:03

You're right @Eyerollcentral
I couldn't wait for him to see me shitting on the toilet. Got me.

Show quote history

As I said, what do you want from this thread?

MissMarpleofstmarymead · 04/02/2023 23:11

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KenAddams · 04/02/2023 23:13

If u didn't have your kids tonight would u have phoned him

AHelpfulHand · 04/02/2023 23:13

I’m guessing he’s helped you like that before?

if so, it wasn’t new to him and he did come in and help you, so he obviously wasn’t bothered by it.

samqueens · 04/02/2023 23:14

WinterFoxes · 04/02/2023 22:16

Of course you should be able to rely on him at any time. He is co parent. If you are too ill to parent your child, he should step in immediately whatever the circumstances and without question. Don't feel guilty or concerned for having expected him to do his bare minimum job as a dad. I hope you get better soon.

THiS!! ^

You’re still a team. When you’re all better sit down and talk to him about emergencies and what you might (each) need the other to do to help. Agree not to guilt the other about genuinely needing help. Tummy things can be exacerbated by stress and anxiety, so talk about (for instance) if you feel very bad in future the 8yo will call and ask him to come, or each have a saved text which is “the emergency” text which means “get your arse here now” and gets sent if there’s a problem.

Be kind to yourself. Decent parents help each other in order to help their children if nothing else.

TheShellBeach · 04/02/2023 23:17

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Wow.
That's really unfair.

SpinningFloppa · 04/02/2023 23:19

I have no family help and if anything happened to me my ex wouldn’t help, I fell once and could barely move I had no one and he ignored my messages so I would never rely on him, maybe make some friends so you could have other options, people say you should be able to rely on him but trust me once he gets serious with a new partner he will not be coming when you click your fingers

JackieQueen · 04/02/2023 23:20

Hope you feel better soon op.💐 Pay no attention to the nasty remarks, you did the right thing,I'm sure you would help your ex in similar circumstances. Seems like some people have had empathy bypasses!

LightSpeeds · 04/02/2023 23:21

Ignore the people on here having a go. Just listen to the people whose posts are helpful.

I've been in the same situation myself. Got ill with a stomach bug some years ago: my ex came round (I had a baby and older child was also ill) and he was in the bathroom with me when I fell unconscious on the toilet (while simultaneously throwing up and having diarrhoea). Lovely. Bless him - he cleared up the sick 😬

He's the father of your child so there's no reason why he shouldn't step up and look after her when you're unwell and also attend to you if you need assistance.

Hope you feel better soon xx

Bonheurdupasse · 04/02/2023 23:22

@MissMarpleofstmarymead
I don’t understand your point at all?
OP was in extreme pain with a serious condition she’s got - and you think that her child/ren are harmed if they’re aware of that?
That’s mind boggling to me - and it can’t just be cultural differences (I’m not British) - I’m astonished that anyone anywhere can think like that.

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 04/02/2023 23:24

Eyerollcentral · 04/02/2023 23:01

What do you want from this thread @Churrotime? I’m embarrassed for you, sorry. I do not doubt the pain was horrendous however rolling about on the floor? Get a grip - and I say that as someone with a chronic extremely painful condition. Face it, you just wanted an excuse to get your ex round. Own that and don’t pin it on your poor children

ODFOD. Having had gallbladder pain in the past, it’s very severe, and I know that I and many other people with this type of pain thought they were dying. Even if OP was desperate to get her ex-husbands attention: I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have wanted him in the bathroom with her unless she was really Ill.

FatPatsCat · 04/02/2023 23:25

OP I really feel for you, and understand that you must have been in such a desperate state to allow him to see you like that. Completely ignore (sounds like the worst nurse anybody could wish for), you had no choice but for your child to see you.

Instead, there was some good advice from PP re rubber floor mats and rails.

Do you have a local carers centre? Or support group?

MissMarpleofstmarymead · 04/02/2023 23:25

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MissMarpleofstmarymead · 04/02/2023 23:28

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