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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Had to call ex DH to come over... what else could I have done?

162 replies

Churrotime · 04/02/2023 22:01

Sat in tears as I feel like I'll never be able to function without him. We've been separated 4 months and I've done well so far. However whilst looking after our children this afternoon, I came over with crippling stomach cramps, rolling around on the floor. My 8 year old was crying and the pain was so debilitating I could barely speak and was sweating. I then had to swiftly get to a toilet and went all faint before almost passing out before passing diarrhoea.

I have zero family around me.

My daughter brought me my phone and I instantly called my ex as I genuinely thought I was about to collapse in pain. I already have a bowel condition and it appears I've come down with a stomach bug, so I do get intense, crippling stomach pains not dissimilar to child birth due to my already sensitive stomach. The pain is so similar to child birth infact that I didn't even realise that I was in labour during the early stages and almost gave birth in the car as I thought the pain would have been worse.

He came over within 15 minutes and he found me in the bathroom in a right state. My daughter crying next to me. He came in and held my hand whilst I'm sat there shitting, my torso draped over his shoulder! I then threw up in the sink! He had to help me to bed.

I'm so embarrassed.
But also how do I be ill in the future when he's not around to help/be there for our kids? He has since taken them for the evening and I'm able to rest but I'm just devastated that I had to rely on him. Luckily, he still has a key for our house. It's not like I could ever call on a friend to find me in such a state. My daughter was terrified when she found me in such a state.

Although he's helped me, he hasn't exactly understood why I called him saying "it's not like you haven't had pain like that before." I've had to explain to him that it's completely different when I'm solely responsible for our kids and in that level of pain. It is genuinely the worst pain I've ever had when my stomach is off.

Hate that I've had to rely on him.
And hate even more that he's had to come in the bathroom to me whilst having diarrhoea! 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 04/02/2023 23:28

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Which user name is being a sock puppet. I'm confused

Bonheurdupasse · 04/02/2023 23:29

Im sorry I’m really not understanding you @MissMarpleofstmarymead . That was the actual reality - she was actually in crying agony - I’m not sure what you are trying to say?
surely the children live in the same reality, not some parallel universe?
To kind of Godwin this, are you going to accuse mothers injured in Ukraine of harming their children??!

Bernadinetta · 04/02/2023 23:29

If he called you unwell from his bathroom, would you go round and hold his hand while he was shitting and help him to bed?

Lillygolightly · 04/02/2023 23:29

@Churrotime

I just want to offer some sympathy because I suffer with a bowel condition and totally relate to the pains being similar to that of labour. It can absolutely make you feel faint, sweaty, I have been crawling around on my hands and knees before crying.

Like you I find this painful and upsetting to deal with, but also due to the embarrassing nature of the problem I do all I can to shut myself away and deal with it alone. I can imagine you’re absolutely mortified to have had to ask for help and then to need that help in such a personal and private way. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’m sure it’s the last thing you wanted. I hope you feel better very soon. 💐

TheShellBeach · 04/02/2023 23:30

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What sock puppeting?

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 23:31

EarringsandLipstick No, she doesn’t have to learn to manage on her own, she has an active co parent
Yes, she does. Her ex is a co parent to their kids, he won't want to hold her hand in case she faints on the toilet for very much longer, nor should he have to. What are the chances of fainting anyway?

louise5754 · 04/02/2023 23:33

Are you embarrassed because you broke up with him and now needed his help?

Did he leave you? Was it amicable?

samqueens · 04/02/2023 23:33

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That’s absurd and entirely groundless.

OP posted about herself and has every right to seek support for herself.

You are persistently driving at some notion that OP is a poor or even unfit parent (their dad should have sole custody?! FFS!) because her children saw her be very ill. There is nothing in her post or general demeanor to even hint that she isn’t a caring parent who is concerned for her children.

There is however a lot in her post to suggest she’s feeling pretty rotten right now and while she has space to focus on herself, as her children are being looked after elsewhere, she is welcome to do so. What you’re driving at is just a fiction and not really related to what’s been shared here.

Trying to be empathetic - perhaps this is a triggering situation for you, in which case best to move on from the thread.

Staying just to bash the OP isn’t appropriate or appreciated.

Original poster
Churrotime · 04/02/2023 23:37

AHelpfulHand · 04/02/2023 23:13

I’m guessing he’s helped you like that before?

if so, it wasn’t new to him and he did come in and help you, so he obviously wasn’t bothered by it.

Yes unfortunately a couple of times in the past. But not in the last two years or so. Just wish he hadn't have seen me as vulnerable as he did post separation.

OP posts:
Eas1lyd1stracted · 04/02/2023 23:37

Eas1lyd1stracted · 04/02/2023 23:02

I would torture yourself about it you didn't do anything wrong. It's totally appropriate for him to collect your daughter.

Going forward can you get some support to have a plan for how to manage your condition if you become unwell again? Ideally not with ex in the bathroom. Eg maybe some handles fitted in the bathroom, a medication review and there is a call button you can set up to ring a friend (cheap ones from amazon). If there isn't someone that springs to mind can you dicuss and develop a plan with another friend who sometimes needs support so you can be eachothers emergency contact.

Plus help your daughter know who to contact in an emergency.

Hope you are feeling better soon

Oh dear 'wouldn't' not 'would'

HopesMama32 · 04/02/2023 23:38

samqueens · 04/02/2023 23:33

That’s absurd and entirely groundless.

OP posted about herself and has every right to seek support for herself.

You are persistently driving at some notion that OP is a poor or even unfit parent (their dad should have sole custody?! FFS!) because her children saw her be very ill. There is nothing in her post or general demeanor to even hint that she isn’t a caring parent who is concerned for her children.

There is however a lot in her post to suggest she’s feeling pretty rotten right now and while she has space to focus on herself, as her children are being looked after elsewhere, she is welcome to do so. What you’re driving at is just a fiction and not really related to what’s been shared here.

Trying to be empathetic - perhaps this is a triggering situation for you, in which case best to move on from the thread.

Staying just to bash the OP isn’t appropriate or appreciated.

Show quote history

This! 100% this. She seems intent on making OP out to be something she isn't 🙄

Starseeking · 04/02/2023 23:39

If I were you, and things were that bad, I'd have called an ambulance rather than my ex first. They could then have called him to collect the DC and take them out of that situation. It sounds like it was really scary for them, which must have been awful for them to witness.

TheShellBeach · 04/02/2023 23:40

Churrotime · 04/02/2023 23:37

Yes unfortunately a couple of times in the past. But not in the last two years or so. Just wish he hadn't have seen me as vulnerable as he did post separation.

Show quote history

Well, it couldn't be helped.
He is your ex but that doesn't mean you can't ask for help to parent your child in an emergency.
You (and he) responded to an emergency situation.

Namechangethisonetime · 04/02/2023 23:41

He is their father, of course he is the first point of contact in this type of situation. For their safety and well-being- they needed cared for. I think you’re overthinking this a bit to be honest, rest up and get better, and have a rethink with a clearer mind when you are recovered

ReneBumsWombats · 04/02/2023 23:41

What are you worried about? You called him because you couldn't look after your kids, you were too ill. He's their other parent, it was his duty to come. You may be splitting up but you were married and have children together, he knows about your condition and he'll have seen you ill before.

It's not like you booty called him!

Give yourself a break. Of course you had to call him.

Var57 · 04/02/2023 23:42

I think all you can do is reassure your DD that sometimes you have a really sore tummy and lying down helps, but see, you are fine again afterwards and she doesn't need to worry. I think you called your ex this time as a knee-jerk reaction, but with a little planning, you will be able to cope without his help. Maybe he doesn't mind picking up your DD in this circumstance though?

I also suffer similar episodes. About a minute's notice to run to the toilet and hellish pain, burning up and passing out. I chuck down a bath mat and towel, lay out one of those large bed pads and strip off. Sometimes I can stay on the loo, but sometimes the floor is the only option. It's mostly over in half an hour. It really is awful and I imagine scary for your DD to witness.

whatdoidonexttime · 04/02/2023 23:46

I think you could tell your ex that your are embarrassed that he saw you like that. You could then start a discussion about what to do if this were to happen again!

PuppyQuestions · 04/02/2023 23:46

I don’t think you have anything to be upset/ embarrassed about. I would genuinely comfort anyone, even a stranger, if they were in extreme pain and liable to pass out. I wouldn’t care if they were on the toilet! I’m autistic and very very private so I wouldn’t want anyone other than my current partner (I don’t have an ex) but wouldn’t think twice about supporting a friend or even someone in a bathroom stall.

Simulacra · 04/02/2023 23:48

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Careful, your ableism is showing

Simulacra · 04/02/2023 23:50

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 23:31

EarringsandLipstick No, she doesn’t have to learn to manage on her own, she has an active co parent
Yes, she does. Her ex is a co parent to their kids, he won't want to hold her hand in case she faints on the toilet for very much longer, nor should he have to. What are the chances of fainting anyway?

Fairly high if you have any knowledge of OPs conditions, which you don’t.

@MissMarpleofstmarymead nobody is socking, you’re just being a twat

TangledWebOfDeception · 04/02/2023 23:50

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Excuse me? Who do you think you are?! You’ve reported this thread because OP isn’t taking your ‘advice’ and ‘concern’ the way you think she ought to?? Don’t be ridiculous. OP is perfectly entitled not to hang on your every word.

ReneBumsWombats · 04/02/2023 23:52

It's funny that a poster would choose the name of a famous detective while being so transparent. The real Miss Marple would be so much smarter.

FatPatsCat · 04/02/2023 23:52

Var57 · 04/02/2023 23:42

I think all you can do is reassure your DD that sometimes you have a really sore tummy and lying down helps, but see, you are fine again afterwards and she doesn't need to worry. I think you called your ex this time as a knee-jerk reaction, but with a little planning, you will be able to cope without his help. Maybe he doesn't mind picking up your DD in this circumstance though?

I also suffer similar episodes. About a minute's notice to run to the toilet and hellish pain, burning up and passing out. I chuck down a bath mat and towel, lay out one of those large bed pads and strip off. Sometimes I can stay on the loo, but sometimes the floor is the only option. It's mostly over in half an hour. It really is awful and I imagine scary for your DD to witness.

I think this is pretty solid advice too, OP. Discuss/'normalise' with DD, so that she might be better prepared/know what to expect and for approx how long? Only you will know if this is suitable for your DD of course

Lollypop701 · 04/02/2023 23:53

You did what was needed to safeguard the kids… I understand your stress it was your ex but he’s their dad and he’s next in line for care so had to see where you were at unfortunately. That’s all you did… put kids first in an episode of illness, the rest is just semantics. He would have wanted to be there for his kids.

it’s not your fault you have this condition op, and I’m a generally well person with recent episodes of complete illness.. I’d have said previously you manage, but I couldn’t even talk at the point. So you did what needed to be done, and that’s great

Teaandtoast3 · 04/02/2023 23:54

Fuck sake it’s not a race to the bloody bottom is it? I genuinely would want my ex husband to call me if he went through an episode like that! Yes it might feel a bit awkward but shit happens.

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