Hand hold please

[Username112233]

My husband and I have split up 2 weeks ago after 17 years together, married for 8 with a 7 year old son. We've not really got much in common anymore apart from
Our son. Not been getting on for 4 months, I wanted to try make it work and get the spark back but he didn't.

I'm really struggling to be honest so looking for a bit of support. It's amicable, I think the daily drudge of life got in the way. I struggle with anxiety/depression, we lost both sets of dads within months of each other a couple of years ago which I think has taken its toll. We still love each other, but he says there's nothing there anymore. To be honest I've not felt like myself and our son and have been a priority of his for a while, he rarely done bedtime or anything as a family as he was always out with his friends. I felt guilt doing anything with mine as I feel it was an inconvenience for him.

I'm just looking for a bit of support really. He has moved out to stay with his mum, still paying his share of bills etc whilst myself and son are in family home. He's away on holiday with his friends this weekend and I've not heard from him (which isn't unusual, but makes me feel crap all the same). I'm really sad that 4 months of not getting on for 17 years together isn't enough to fight for. His mum says he's struggling (we get on brilliant) Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm barely holding it together. I really hope he realises what he's done but can't see it. Does anyone have any help?

Hi all,

I'm sorry I completely checked out for a while. I'll catch up on everyone's updates after the school run.

DH and I decided to try and work things out. We were complete honest about what we both needed to move forward. Unfortunately, it last a night. He cried and held me all night. In the morning he said he didn't know what to do. He thought coming home would make him feel better but he still felt lost. He told me he loves me but he can't do this as he is ruining both our lives whereas if he isn't here I have a chance to be happy.

I now feel worse than what I did to begin with. I don't know how to cope or keep on with daily life. I had him back for a short while and just having him hold me has now left me broken. Seeing how broken he is also has me very worried.

I just don't know how to get through the next steps.

Hi ladies, nice to hear from you both.

@Cluckycluck I'm so sorry, it must feel like you are back to square one. I promise you in time it will get better, please look after yourself and reach out to whoever you need to

@Findingmeagain glad you are feeling better! I've had a really good run of it the last week or so, starting to take control of things again. I've spoken with a new solicitor and let my ex partner know their contact details, this seems to have got his back up. I'm not letting him get into my head. It's my sons weekend with his dad however I have plans, I just don't sleep when he's away though.

What are your plans this weekend?

You are sounding so much more positive OP, it genuinely does just take time. As much as you need. I have been chatting to someone online, it's making me feel good about myself and I am not thinking about my ex at all. I have also been going to an exercise class twice a week, partly for the endorphins but also to get that revenge body ha. Taking the kids to the cinema on the weekend. Ex been on nights so he hasn't had them for dinner or to sleep at all this week which is fine with me. But if I am going to start dating he's going to have do his fair share, why should he live the single life 5 nights a week and not me.

That's brilliant @Findingmeagain, good for you. Do you think it's normal for them to not text/phone when they don't have the kids? Mine doesn't text or phone at all to ask how our son is. Granted I don't when he's at his dads but it's only for 2 days every 2nd weekend and I want to respect the time he has with him. I just couldn't go that long without seeing how my son was.

He appeared late for pick up today, and was like it's only 20mins. I wasn't impressed but didn't bite

He doesn't want to use a solicitor but his behaviour and attitude is making me more determined to, he doesn't seem to see this so more fool him

I went and got new underwear today to feel better about myself and am going to the gym this weekend. What's your plans?

Glad you are doing some nice stuff for you. Friends say eventually you will enjoy that alone time when you don't have the kids. My younger children are 12 and 16 so they communicate with their dad directly when they aren't with him so we don't really need to text during the week. If they were younger I would probably expect more contact through me. He lives very close (too close) so they usually see him regularly but only for short periods of time, like literally an hour. 16 year old went there to sleep last Friday, went down about 7 p.m and was home 8 a.m the next morning. So he's spending time with them but not exactly "parenting". Although I suppose at 16 she doesn't need that from him and she has me to do that at home. But its like they just get the easy bits.

Ex is same about solicitor, says we only need one to sign off what we agree on between us otherwise they will charge a fortune and try to pit you against each other. I think we need to be cautious letting them control that OP.

They definitely get the easy bits, although mine will struggle having our son for 3 days this week as he's ever had to do that before

I'm still in bed, don't know if I'll bother with the gym. Will get the house squared up and see how I feel. I don't sleep well when our sons away so might go back to sleep for a bit

It's honestly so relaxing compared to when we lived together. I can do things at my own pace now and not run about daft trying to please him

He's turned into someone very bitter and money oriented, god help the next person he ends up with

I'm glad to everyone seems a bit brighter.

I've been struggling to sleep which is something I've never had an issue with before. A friend suggested trying brown noise and it did actually help clear my head so I could turn off and sleep.

@Cluckycluck Not sleeping is natural, try not to stress yourself out about it. It will come in time. I used the breathe app, and have a prescription for sleeping tablets to collect which I've not picked up yet. I generally sleep fine now apart from when our sons away, and we're not even 2 months down the line

It honestly will get better. When I look back at my previous posts, I would never have thought so especially in what I class as a short period of time. His unwillingness to be reasonable and lack of respect has probably made me feel
this way, I don't think this is a bad thing. He's only himself to blame actually for me being so much stronger and pushing back, he's so used to me being a doormat

If you can, try and get your ducks in a row financially and legally. I work in that industry so know how important this is, I understand however that you may not be there yet

How's your wee girl getting on?

@Username112233 DD is an absolute star. She's pretty much bombproof and takes everything in her stride. I have no concerns about her now, she's so resilient. I'm very proud of her.
She'll be staying over at Daddy's for the first time next week so we'll see how that goes.

I have been very lucky to live an absolutely lovely life with no money worries, DH is adamant that will continue. He is still paying for everything and claims that he is happy to continue this. We both have solicitors next week so we'll see what he says after that.

That's brilliant she's taking it well, I'm proud of our son as well and how's he's coping

We're both comfortable as well, however I'd be very wary of him continuing to pay everything for the time being. Mine said the same however that is now not the case. Just tread carefully, their guilt won't last forever

I'm treating myself to a takeaway for dinner, I'm starving! What's your plans this evening?

Hi everyone, hope you all had a nice weekend. Just thought I'd give you a wee update.

I've had a massive emotional wobble today, drove past our wedding venue and it was bittersweet. I've also had it out with ex via text re his complete lack of disrespect (there's been more than a few instances but they are outing so won't discuss here) I had initially asked him for his solicitors details and he asked why, so I just told him there were issues I wanted to address

He's completely downplayed what I've brought up and said it's not an issue. If it's an issue then I wouldn't be bringing it up. I was telling my friend who said he's gas lighting me, does this seem right?

I was expecting an argument from him tbh as that's usually what happens. I don't know if I've rattled him by requesting his solicitor details again. The fact that he won't provide them to me suggests he hasn't got one, as I have asked for them on more than one occasion

It has really rattled me that's he's not fought back and is just downplaying everything. It's completely thrown me as I now think he has an ulterior motive. I'm careful to communicate with him in text message only, this way it is all documented. As usual he's been the Disney dad this weekend; our son has told me when he's been home the past few times he's been with his dad that he's wanted to phone and talk to me however ex has not allowed this. I'm livid, he knows our son is anxious yet says there is nothing wrong with him. To me that screams complete and utter ignorance. If there was something wrong with someone I loved I would educate myself on the matter to try and help them. Again, is that just me or is that what any decent human would do?

Hi @Username112233

i think your friends are right and he is gaslighting you - but I think this is typical of men who just decide to up and leave with no real warning or explanation and I’m dealing with that with my ex at the moment.

It is confusing and upsetting how a person who has been perfectly lovely, kind and caring can turn into a monster overnight - but it happens.

My own ex was lovely until about March when he started a new job. He became cold and distant which I put down to him not loving his new job and stress. He started talking about one of the women there a lot, changed his phone password and when pushed for an answer as to why he seemed to have changed, he said he needed his ‘space’. There is obviously something which happened since March which has caused this (affair, midlife crisis, stress with the change to his job), but now he is the meanest person I know and every interaction involves him gaslighting me. Won’t give me a straight answer about why he left or why he seems so angry with me now - but loves telling me that he doesn’t love me, and hasn’t for at least a year (bearing in mind he was still telling me he loved me until he started his new job). He also loves to tell people that I was controlling - but when I question how he comes to that conclusion he can’t back it up with evidence because I never controlled him - he came and went as he pleased, prioritising his weekend hobbies over me and the kids consistently.

I guess what I’m saying is that some men get bored/change as a person and look to lay blame wherever they can to justify themselves. Your ex seems to be in that mindset and you won’t be able to change that.

I’m sorry you have to deal with him stopping your son from ringing you. Slightly different situation with my ex in that he’s made no effort with the kids and they are angry with him - so he naturally uses that as an excuse.I’ve managed to get him to agree to a rota where he will take them one weekend day every other weekend, but he still won’t tell me what days/times he intends to do this. I’m only pushing the rota point because my dd has severe OCD and the lack of routine is destroying her mentally. He was meant to see her this weekend, asked her if he could drop her off at an activity she does 10 minutes down the road and because she didn’t sound interested in him doing that he took it as a green light to say ‘well she didn’t want to do anything with me anyway’. She spent the rest of the weekend wondering whether her dad would see her and was very stressed with it all. Had a blazing row with him and apparently I’m not even allowed to text him regarding the kids now because I mentioned how hard it is on my mental health to be chasing him all the time - and he said he doesn’t want to know about my mental health.

Hopefully this will get better for everyone on this thread with time - but it is hard for now and I do think it’s good that we have each other to lean on. Please get as much support as you can on here and from friends and just remember you’re the better person. You haven’t walked out on your family, you haven’t caused this, you’re not making it difficult now - he is.

I'm sorry but I haven't seen your sons age, but if it is appropriate , could you get hold of a mobile that he could have just for when he is away from you ?

@Frostine he's still too young for a phone

I honestly don't know what's up with me yesterday and today. Emotions are all over the place. Very annoyed as I felt I was doing better

How are you all getting on? I'm really struggling, and have been since Sunday. Exhausted all the time, and waking up during the night with cold sweats dreaming about ex with someone else

Feel like I'm going back the way instead of forward. It's horrible

Hey @Username112233 so sorry you're feeling like this. The dreams are just the pits. I dream a lot about ex too but tend to dream that we're arguing (all the things I'd say to him if we were actually talking in real life) and I wake up feeling sad and angry. My kids are away with ex this week. I full on sobbed when I closed the front door behind them. Am trying to breathe deeply and stay calm so I can make the most of the time away.

Sorry you're going through this. All I will say is that imo men and women deal differently with separation usually. Men tend to block out emotions and appear hard and women feel it more. So on the outside it looks like men are coping better and don't care as much.

I wonder if he had resigned himself to a housemate kind of relationship long ago and just stayed in a comfy setting. Then it came to the fore and he couldn't ignore it anymore? Maybe ypu could suggest a few dates or at least to meet up one night for a drink. Somehow you need closure as you sound like you're in limbo or shock and hoping for a reconciliation. You need to know whether or not that's possible. If its not then you need to move on mentally. As for being alone in the house, keep the TV /play some music just for company/noise. It will get easier to be there on your own, I promise as I went through the same and thought I couldn't do it.

Sorry you are feeling this way @zgirldreamsoftulum, when kids are away it's horrific

@Happyunhappy there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation. Now I look back, there were major control issues which I didn't see at the time. I've been unhappy with a lot of things but stayed as n in hoped things would change. He has launched a campaign of harassment against for me for things he deems as trivial and downplays when addressed. He has absolutely no Idea how his behaviour affects my mental health which in turn then impacts our son

Cannot wait until he is off this mortgage

How are you ladies holding up? I'm still struggling emotion wise. Very annoying

@Username112233 That absolutely sucks that he isn't allowing your son to contact you when he wants to. What an arse to have him impact your son like that.

DD is going to her Daddy's for her first overnight stay this week. She's excited and I'm dreading it. Am I being unreasonable to request I drop off so I can see where she will be? I don't think for a second that he would say no but I don't know if I'm being a bit weird about it.

I don't think it's unreasonable, but it may play havoc with your emotions ie you may get invested in it

I've told him about it and he says not won't be the case going forward. He seems to have calmed down a bit and is respecting my boundaries, we will see how long it lasts though. I've convinced he's got an ulterior motive due to the way he has been recently

It is a house we own so it is stupid that I don't know the address of it anyway. He asked if I would do pickup tomorrow anyway so I didn't need to worry about asking in the end. A friend is taking me out tonight so I'll be distracted. Even though DD would obviously be in bed normally I still feel odd about her not being her.

How is everyone doing today?

Yeah that makes sense I suppose.

I'm still going through the motions. I really want him to regret what he's done and talk to me about it but I know he won't, he's crap at talking. Everything else seems to be ticking over though so shouldn't really complain

Communication is purely about our son and I am doing this in a formal manner. I won't be sucked into the emotion side of things

Honestly, what a shit show. Complete and utter narcissist I've been married to now when I look back. I've honestly been such a doormat

@Username112233 I know what you mean about wanting the regret. I want that so much. Feel so frustrated that my ex doesn't even begin to feel the gravity of the impact he's had on my life. But it's never going to happen. He's not interested as he stopped caring about me long before he exited the marriage. He's brutal. A brute.
I get feeling like a doormat too. But actually that's a really harsh way to think ourselves. I try to tell myself that I was true- trusting of him and trustworthy because I've never let him down and was 100% committed to our marriage and life together. That's something to feel proud of. Turns out he wasn't deserving of my trust.