Hand hold please

[Username112233]

My husband and I have split up 2 weeks ago after 17 years together, married for 8 with a 7 year old son. We've not really got much in common anymore apart from
Our son. Not been getting on for 4 months, I wanted to try make it work and get the spark back but he didn't.

I'm really struggling to be honest so looking for a bit of support. It's amicable, I think the daily drudge of life got in the way. I struggle with anxiety/depression, we lost both sets of dads within months of each other a couple of years ago which I think has taken its toll. We still love each other, but he says there's nothing there anymore. To be honest I've not felt like myself and our son and have been a priority of his for a while, he rarely done bedtime or anything as a family as he was always out with his friends. I felt guilt doing anything with mine as I feel it was an inconvenience for him.

I'm just looking for a bit of support really. He has moved out to stay with his mum, still paying his share of bills etc whilst myself and son are in family home. He's away on holiday with his friends this weekend and I've not heard from him (which isn't unusual, but makes me feel crap all the same). I'm really sad that 4 months of not getting on for 17 years together isn't enough to fight for. His mum says he's struggling (we get on brilliant) Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm barely holding it together. I really hope he realises what he's done but can't see it. Does anyone have any help?

OP just seen this and haven't read the entire thread but couldn't just pass by, sending you , you're going through the absolute worst but it really will get better, take every bit of kindness offered and hold on to you, you will get through this!

Thank you @zgirldreamsoftulum I've been on the phone to a crisis team this morning so feel a bit better.

Still in bed mind you. It's a lonely house with no one here

@Username112233 thinking of you, I hope you're okay and have some RL support. Did the crisis team get back to you?

Yes I spoke the them@zgirldreamsoftulum, thank you. Got loads of support which is great but it's ever so lonely

Yes it will be lonely. So sorry you're going through this OP. It does get better eventually. Hang in there

I had to take my posts on this thread down because I thought they were too “outing.” However I’m back to say I’m hoping all of you who are struggling will have a brighter more positive day & will step out into the sunshine for some air & exercise. Chat to a neighbour, go to a local cafe for a coffee etc. Small steps.
Im a lot older than many of you but whatever your age the pain is deep & feels unmanageable at times, it’s draining and you just want it to end.
I’ve made some plans for my lonesome future, traveling, buy a campervan for next summer, join the gym this winter, take up calligraphy and so on.
I’m sending love & hugs and hoping that very soon there will be a chink of light at the end of your respective tunnels and you’ll all start to feel more positive about life.

Today is a new day. Be strong & feel the love & support that’s crossing the miles to embrace you from me, a complete stranger. ❤️

How is everyone doing ? I was away at a wedding for the weekend (I had a bit of a wobble but it was mostly great fun). I feel like I have come back with a new outlook. I did find myself looking around at other men (although nothing actually happened) and thinking that I could find someone else attractive again and if i was asked out on a date i would probably say yes. This was the first time I have felt like that. I don't want to try online dating so am going to have to try to get out a bit to meet people in real life. It felt really good to come home to a peaceful house and have my bed to myself. I didn't find myself returning and feeling lonely - light at the end of the tunnel at last !

I managed to prepare and submit a business case for my promotion. Interview in 3.5 weeks' time. Please wish me luck, I need a boost like never before. I'm proud of myself because I had two panic attacks last night and barely slept. Plus an argument with DH in the morning, and my DS is really poorly now. It's a miracle I pulled it off somehow.

Also went on Look Fantastic and treated myself to a new anti-wrinkle serum. Sad, maybe, but I'm excited to try it out. Not to mention I spent another £40 on snazzy eye shadows, too. Oh well. Not the best time for spending. But, YOLO.

Hope you all had a reasonable day today. Sending unmumsnetty hugs to all!

Cherchez la femme

That's brilliant @Findingmeagain, I'm glad you had a fab time 😊 Things not great here I'm afraid, he's not going to be paying the bills for much longer and doesn't want to go through solicitors etc, he's told me I could use that money to buy him out. Wants to give me the bare minimum in CMS and not give up any share in his equity. He doesn't want me to take any of his pension as he's worked hard all his life for it.

I'm honestly on my last legs here, I've written a poem as I don't feel I'll make this. Tablets and therapy etc isn't touching the sides. I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve this

Hi, I am so sorry you are struggling, please reach out to those close to you, I hate to think of you suffering alone. I know right now it feels like you are at rock bottom but you can do this. He cant just stop all financial responsibility. He is obviously trying to control the situation. Could you contact citizens advice for some free information ?

@Username112233 Thinking of you. I was in a similar position to you last year. It's horrific. Sad, difficult, hurtful: words aren't really adequate to describe how utterly gut- wrenching it is.

Try to focus on the simple things. Drink more water if you're crying a lot. Eat a little bit regularly (set alarms on your phone if you need to so that you remember). Try calming and anxiety podcasts to help you sleep ( as well as the pills). Try to step outside each day and get some sunshine.

I agree with PPs if you can tell your closest RL family and friends in very simple terms that you're really struggling please do. I know it isn't easy though - I've been there too and still find it incredibly difficult to ask for help.
The Samaritans can be amazing if you're really low and can't call anyone.
Please just take things one day at a time. You WILL get through this. Post on here. There are kind people here.

Hi op, I'm sorry to read your posts and hope that today is a little better than yesterday.

I was in a similar position a few years ago. My e husband had become distant, unkind and, I guess checked out all of a sudden. I asked him what was wrong, thinking the worst would be a mid-life crisis or depression. He told me he wasn't happy but couldn't say why. I spent the next couple of weeks desperately trying to do better, be better, make everything ok, until I found evidence that he was having an affair. His bag was packed when he got home from work that day.

It was horrendous. Telling our 2 dc (10 and 11 at the time) was the worse experience of my life. I felt broken and I was bereft but most importantly, I was a mum and their dad had just let them down massively so I wasn't going to.

I cried buckets when they weren't around or in bed but I went into survival mode when they were and got things done. I saw a solicitor to find out where I stood legally and I went for counselling, which gave me the space to talk freely to someone who was there to listen and didn't know either of us. My friends and family were great but they all had their own lives.

As others have said, he will have had more time to get his head around this - he will have checked out some time ago, whereas you had it thrust upon you and had to deal with it.

He is not the man you knew and you have to try and separate who he was (or who you thought he was) for who he is now. I often wished he had died (I didn't really for our DC's sake but I did for me) as death is awful but it's final. Having to see the person you love every day and heal at the same time is cruel.

You are worth something to people though op - your son needs you more than you know and I promise this will get easier. I still feel sad sometimes but I have been in a relationship for 3 years now, after dipping my toes into dating for some company on my child-free weekends (I agree, that is tough when your friends are all in relationships/married). My ex split with the other woman after a year or so because they were too different, and has just split with another woman after a couple of years. He wanted freedom and he has it but he doesn't seem happy. I never wanted freedom but I have embraced it.

Keep on keeping on and gradually, you won't feel quite so raw and hopeless. It's a long journey but you are worth fighting it.

Thanks everyone @Sunshineandflipflops @zgirldreamsoftulum @Findingmeagain

It's honestly so nice knowing I have people on here to talk to about this, you have no idea the difference it makes.

I spoke with one of my friends last night who is a bit clued up on family law as going through a similar thing. She's recommended a new solicitor that is somewhat cheaper so that's a relief.

@Sunshineandflipflops I feel as though I could write your story, it's all too familiar here. I'm trying to hang on and push through. I've bitten the bullet with work though and am taking some time off. He's moaning that the house is a mess and it's true, I just don't have the energy to keep on top of it just now. Going to try a bit today. I'm now struggling to sleep so hoping when I see the dr they can prescribe something.

How did you all get through it? I feel like I want to cry but I've no tears left

I thankfully have no experience of this situation, but wanted to send good wishes to you. I have been through many challenges in my life and always found a way through to some peace and contentment - I am sure that you will too in time. It is all so very raw for you at the moment, but please hang on to the bigger picture - one day you will be able to look back on this from a settled situation. Life is full of stumbling blocks, but you will get there. Take care. x

One day at a time lovely, that's how. After a while, the lows won't seem so bad and the highs will be better. I won't lie, I am 5 years down the line and in a happy relationship but I still grieve the sudden and of my marriage and family. Our marriage was happy until the bombshell (or until the affair started at least). Childhood sweethearts at 16, many mutual friends from that era, my parents loved him almost as much as me.

You can't make someone stay and you can't make them love you any more.

I will say that we are amicable now. I always tried to be for our DC's sake but it was forced for a long time. Now it's not. I try and think that some people are in your life for a reason and he was in my life because he made it better for a long time and he was meant to be the father of my children. He is still in my life but in a different way. A lifetime is a hell of a long time to stay together with someone and hats off to those who do so happily (my parents are included in this) but I'm not sure it's the best thing for everyone.

Thank you @Sunshineandflipflops for sharing your experience.

I've spoken to my friend again today as she's going through the same thing. She's very clued up on family law (Scotland) so her friend who's a solicitor is calling me later

It's definitely given me a bit more strength. I now just need to be mentally prepared for anything he throws at me, he wants it to be amicable and for him that means not using solicitors. He thinks he can just pay maintenance and for me to buy him out and that's it. Doesn't want pensions, savings etc touched as he knows he'll
Lose out financially. And he's said by doing that it will annoy him

Feel like he's pushing and pushing, what a nightmare. The difference a year can make eh

I’ve just caught up on this thread, please continue to reach out to friends and family and do not be pushed into agreeing anything with him without solicitors being involved. His reluctance to get them involved is because he knows he is in a better financial position and therefore he will have to even that up and he will lose out. Your future is so important and things like pensions seem so distant but imagine looking back and realising that you would be in a better financial situation had you made sure all his assets were looked into even though it might be uncomfortable now and not what your husband wants you to do.

It might be annoying for him if you decide his suggested way forwards isn’t how you want to do things, but that’s his problem. I read that many women will settle for staying in the house/ buying husband out and then don’t look into pensions which can be worth a lot more than a bigger share of a house so don’t lose out on what you’re entitled to.

Him saying doing it your way with solicitors is not amicable is him trying desperately to make you feel like the bad guy in all of this, ignore him. Sounds like he is very concerned about what the split of assets will be and how it will impact him.

Thanks for you post @Newuname199987, that's a massive help.

I'm 100% being made out to be the bad guy, a heated phone call earlier on has confirmed this. It's amazing how quickly people can change

Hello everyone. How are you all getting on?

Hi hope you are feeling a bit stronger OP. its one week since my divorce application was accepted. 19 to go to apply for final order. Panicking about sorting the finances though. My ex was always very controlling with the finances so I can see it being tricky. I set up an online dating profile and have been flattered by the number of likes, no idea if it will lead to any real dating potential but the ego boost is nice. Although last night dreamt about us getting back together so was tearful this morning. Still struggling to get my head around how you can just fall out of love with someone? I work in a school so have next week off for half term and am looking forward to some me time, I am exhausted.

Oh my, good for you. I'll get into the dating thing when my heads a bit more together. Glad you've been successful though!

I'm nowhere near the divorce stage, however am seeing a solicitor re the finances. I always handled that side of things anyway, so I'm aware of what's what.

He has been threatening me by with holding money, saying my son won't want to live with me and that I'm an unfit mother. There's also been another few things that I have documented and I now have an app to record my calls with him. I'm not going to be intimidated by him and let him get into my head. Should he continue in the manner he has been, I'll apply for a restraining order. He needn't think it's ok to treat people like that. At the end of the day, after all his abuse I think he seems to forget that I'm looking after our son like a bag of nerves. Which isn't any use for both of us

How was your weekend?

Hi everyone, hope you're all okay. My ex has dropped the bombshell that he's taking the kids away for half of half term (we get two weeks and he's taking them the second week). Kids have dropped the bombshell that the trip's with affair partner.
@Username112233 I'd love to know what app you're using. @Findingmeagain well done with the OLD, I'm thinking about that too but kind of want to get my divorce finalised first.

Hi Ladies. How are you all getting on?

Hi, good to hear from you. I have actually had a really positive week, definitely feeling much stronger. How are things with you ?