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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

374 replies

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 06:56

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/09/2022 20:02

T1Dmama · 29/09/2022 19:05

Since he’s being a prick don’t have him at the birth, don’t put his name on the birth certificate… register baby just in your name… he’ll have to take you to court to prove baby is his which will take months…
also if you breast feed then baby won’t be able to go to his 50/50 as will need to be with you for 4 hourly feeds.
His demands are incredibly unreasonable for a new born baby. You’ve offered daily contact which is more than reasonable, what an arse putting you under so much stress while heavily pregnant … maybe a restraining order will help??

The baby is 4 months old...

Waxwing23 · 29/09/2022 20:09

If you can manage without his money, please don't put this dickhead's name on the birth certificate. I wish I hadn't with my ex... but he basically frogmarched us to the register office fresh from the hospital. I now have him threatening to take me through the courts for full custody of our 1 year old (the 1 year old he has never bathed, never cooked a meal for, never washed clothes for...). I'd like to think he doesnt stand a chance, but its a stress I could do without... and either way, he'll be there for at least the next 17 years trying to control us.

WTAFhappened123 · 29/09/2022 20:14

He sounds very controlling and unreasonable… I’d be documenting this behavior, keeping all
of his messages in case you need to prove emotional abuse.

MarvellousMonsters · 29/09/2022 20:16

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:38

@Tlollj I have insanely sensitive nipples and struggled a lot with my son even though that was years ago. My aim is to breastfeed for the first few days/week and just sit there in pain for her to get all the best stuff at the start but unless somehow it's a lot less painful this time I think a week will be my maximum unfortunately and that breaks my heart!

Get in touch with a breastfeeding support group now. Have helpful, knowledgable people around you from the start, it can make a huge difference.

PrincessParsnips · 29/09/2022 20:25

If the 50/50 arrangement involved handing child over really early on Monday morning - no nappies, no bottles, no cot, clean clothes, steriliser, formula, pram, car seat etc etc and saying to him please bring the child back in 3 and a half days. You would probably have the child back in a few hours, unless the man is rich and can afford to buy duplicates of everything needed.Why should you give him use of all your stuff - if he wants to parent the child then he has to pay for the necessary stuff

ALLIE369 · 29/09/2022 20:29

Unless he is paying 100% of the expenses from birth tell him on his bike.

Towcat15 · 29/09/2022 20:32

Gosh I hope you’re not back together with him op - joking about him fainting at the birth etc. congratulations on your baby but please be on guard.

evian76 · 29/09/2022 20:37

sorry to ask, I hope this isn’t insensitive but did he leave to be with another person? If so, I would absolutely not want my newborn baby being taken care of by that person and I think any court would look unfavourably on him, I’m not sure he has too much of a leg to stand on if he left you at 30 weeks pregnant tbh. I would stick to what you say - 3 hours a day 3 days a week at your place, supervised. Please don’t stress too much, this must be such a tough issue to handle right now, but all legal matters are strongly in your favour, I suspect. I’m not sure where you live but there are some brilliant free law clinics attached to universities, they are excellent at advising in family law and you might get a consultation at short notice, good luck, and take care x

evian76 · 29/09/2022 20:47

I posted let him visit for 3 hours a day 3 days a week, I take that back! It will be stressful as the other replies say, you have a right to stress free bonding with your beautiful baby. & trust me, from a daughter who watched her father bully and manipulative her mother after leaving the family, your daughter will never resent you. But she might be sad about you not standing up to him, so I’d start now in a very firm way, he sounds like an absolute poo btw

BananaSplitX · 29/09/2022 20:51

And this is why a sperm bank is sadly becoming a better choice for women 😢

LoisLane66 · 29/09/2022 20:52

How will he manage 3 hours a day when he's working? I presume he's not unemployed.
As he left you, his pregnant partner, I think he's lucky to get anything.

Tippexy · 29/09/2022 21:14

So you are back together then?

bluesapphire48 · 29/09/2022 21:18

He LEFT YOU WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT???!!!

What a scumbag!
Don't GIVE him anything!
Make him fight for every minute with the baby, and see if you can make sure it is supervised and she isn't left alone with him.

You may have to end up giving him a minimum, but don't let him be at the birth. Can your solicitor make sure he is barred?

And don't give your baby his surname if you don't have to. If he is good to her and she decides later on to take him name, she can do it on her own.

Grrrrdarling · 29/09/2022 21:18

He is clearly only thinking about his wants & needs here. Baby & you are more important for atleas the 1st 6 weeks.
Your initial offer was well above & beyond what baby would cope with so please rethink. Also that offer is now null & void. Tell him straight that when you feel ready you will let him know what contact you can facilitate, after baby has settled into a routine, & if he isn’t happy to do that for the baby then he can take you to court.
Get child maintenance forms filled in as soon as the baby is born & you don’t have to put him on the birth certificate to do do that.
He will probably start accusing you of ‘having an affair’ & saying the baby is not his’ to drag out CM claim but if he is being an ass about it he will just have to foot the bill to have the DNA test done to prove his case.
Do not do anything you do not want to or feel comfortable doing & contact Harbour for advice & support.
Fantastic idea to have someone with you at every contact he has with baby.
That way you can rest & he can get on with being ‘dad of the year’, as he will label himself, without you having to deal with him.
Stay strong & good luck with the birth. Don’t worry about dad. He is an adult & he chose to leave the relationship so he has forfeit any claims he has on yours & babies time until baby & you are ready.

Grrrrdarling · 29/09/2022 21:21

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:42

@RachelshouldvegonetoParis he's definitely not being at the birth. He's furious with this which I don't understand either.

With my boy I got so warm and couldn't stand any clothes or my hair even touching my skin in the end so gave birth naked. I don't want my ex around when if I'm naked!

Not to mention him being there won't help with any support or care or help release any endorphins that helps the labour along. 100% will not be at the birth.

I've even said I'd tell him when going in to labour or as it looks like now the date I'll be induced as she's a big baby, so he can be outside waiting and can come in as soon as placenta is out and I'm covered/decent.

Not good enough apparently!

Do not let him be at the birth or even tell him you are in labour/being induced. You do not need that extra stress. He can wait until you are ready to tell him Abby has arrived. If that is a week or two after the birth so be it. He is not the boss of you!

Gr33ngr33ngr4ss · 29/09/2022 21:25

Unless OPs an elephant I think this ship has sailed!

Shaniice · 29/09/2022 21:25

Don’t put him on the birth certificate as that gives the father rights. I’d register baby alone then you make all the decisions until if/when he takes you to court for access. I’d allow informal arrangement.

Grrrrdarling · 29/09/2022 21:29

Baby3at40 · 28/09/2022 09:20

Hi everyone

Well what a crazy few months it's been. Thank you so much for all your replies, I've read them all!

I did cut off all contact with him after the thread, I focused on getting baby's room ready and some downtime of just nesting and sorting the house out before the birth.

About 2 weeks before he contacted me wanting to talk. I agreed.

If anyone else is going through anything similar I really do think it's about how you think about the situation. The space and no contact between us gave me time to reframe how I saw myself in this situation and I PUT MYSELF in the strong position. I was carrying his baby, I was going to be primary caregiver - HE should be the one in the vulnerable position, not me. And that got me through that time.

I felt empowered by just reframing, putting myself first. I learned a lot about perspective! Life really can be better if you reframe your position in it.

I allowed him at the birth. And I made it clear I was allowing him. It was my choice not his. The birth was quite fast and scary and we've both had kids before but this scared us a bit with the pace - there was one point we feared there was something wrong and because of this he fainted - I'll never let him live that down.

I set boundaries and expectations and it's been hard but he's met them or at least done everything to try to meet them.

Baby is 4 months old and we're in a really good place.

Anyone that's going through anything similar let me know and I fell on some really healthy coping mechanisms which has led me and baby to be really happy. Including Dad.

Thanks so much for the support MN it really helped get me through the early dark days of this post xx

What a drama Queen he is for fainting 😂Oscar goes to him in that one 😝
Remeber that you are the resident parent & dad needs to fit around yours & baby’s schedule. He does not get to dictate anything when you have been more than accommodating from the moment he left!
Hope you can maintain a good co-parenting relationship going forward 😘

BluesDad · 29/09/2022 21:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

VariantHela · 29/09/2022 21:36

People really need to read OPs updates...

NinaJanina · 29/09/2022 22:15

Tell him to turn up fully rested at 7pm and he’s doing every night until 7am in your house except you’ll be doing the feeding 😉

his request is unreasonable and won’t be granted in a month of Sundays xx

Ineke · 29/09/2022 22:50

Baby will be asleep a lot for the first few weeks. What will he do, help with the laundry, cleaning, house work or just follow you about and intimidate you. These few weeks are precious, I would imagine having him hovering about would be very stressful for you at a time when you need to be calm, baby can pick up on your stress, not a good start for mum and baby. Especially if your voices are raised and arguments in earshot of baby. I can’t see any point at all to this.

Ineke · 29/09/2022 22:56

Sorry, hasn’t realised such time had passed and you were working it out, well done you. The ball is in your court, am pleased it seems to be a positive situation for you all.

Danielle9891 · 29/09/2022 22:59

He would never get 50/50 especially with a newborn. He's being unreasonable. I think the 3 hours a day is being very generous. If he doesn't except that then he can take you to court but I wouldn't worry as the judge won't separate a mam and baby under 1.
I'd say to him your breastfeeding (even if you're not) and can't express. I bottle fed my baby and still wouldn't have felt comfortable being away from her as a newborn.
Please don't get worked up about it and try to relax for yourself and the baby. Keep all messages and email in case you need them as proof he's being unreasonable.

Mamanyt · 29/09/2022 23:09

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

Show quote history

No, but if she can, and if she chooses to, it will immediately make "50/50" out of the question for the period that she breast feeds when courts hear it.

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