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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

374 replies

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 06:56

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 28/09/2022 13:04

Stop all contact with him until baby is born. Do not tell him when you go into labour or put him on the birth certificate. He does not automatically have those privileges,. He won't get 50/50 so just wait and see what else he proposes. For now, cut contact and definitely do not have him in your house even for contact as he will cause you distress.

Mybestyear · 28/09/2022 13:12

FFS can everyone posting please see that the thread has been updated and OP has had the baby!! At least scroll back to the 'oldest' date before the update.

congrats OP - hope things continue to go well.

Bestcatmum · 28/09/2022 13:21

He'll get bugger all if he goes to court. Don't give him anything and see what the court says. I certainly wouldn't be offering anything right now.
Don't do deals with bullies. Let him take you to court.

Bestcatmum · 28/09/2022 13:22

Oh sorry missed all updates as usual.

SlashBeef · 28/09/2022 13:27

Good on you OP. Fab update.

SpidersAreShitheads · 28/09/2022 14:51

ReeseWitherfork · 28/09/2022 06:13

Well you’ve kicked it all off now 😂
@mnhq can you put a warning or something on the thread showing people it’s 6 months old?

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😂😂😂

In fairness @ReeseWitherfork I wasn’t the one who commented first to reactivate the thread, I was several comments down. I just got sucked in and didn’t notice the date 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

On the positive side, we got an update from OP out of accidentally commenting on a zombie thread!

Good idea re the warning re it being an old thread tthough - especially if say, for example, someone is scrolling MN at 4am instead of sleeping……just hypothetically…. 😂

Miajk · 28/09/2022 16:33

Mooshamoo · 28/09/2022 12:14

Why should the woman get to see the baby more than the man though?

What about what is in the childs best interests.

I remember when I was a child- only getting to see my dad for a few hours a week. I missed him desperately. I wanted to see him every day. Both parents were equally important to me.

Women always seem to think that they are the more important parent. Why?

Well obviously you weren't an infant at that time since you remember.

Do you not know anything about child development? A baby needs to bond with the mother. The father can't breastfeed. It's cruel yo suggest the best for baby is forcing 50/50 and ripping it away from the mother, which until very recently the baby would have been literally a part of.

I'm genuinely concerned about how you wouldn't have considered this.

RavenhairedRachel · 29/09/2022 17:41

He's being ridiculous no way would he get 50 /50 in a court of law.

mapofeasterireland · 29/09/2022 17:43

I would think your baby was tongue tied. If you get this looked at after your baby is born you might find your experience is very different. Lots of midwives seem to miss TT somehow too (even after checking) so it’s worth pushing.

Yogalola · 29/09/2022 17:47

Crazy, offer the night shift. Obviously your ex doesn’t understand babies need a routine.

Anele22 · 29/09/2022 17:52

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

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Misses the point entirely!

Shell4429 · 29/09/2022 17:58

Jobseeker19 · 23/04/2022 08:09

I would say.

"I have changed my mind. I have decided that I want private time to bond with my baby without the stress of arranging contact. If you have an issue with this take me to court but it will be expensive and no court is going to force a baby from their main food source. I will contact you when I am available for visits and I will have someone with me when you do visit. If you keep contacting me outside of agreed times I will phone the police and say you are intimidating me. This will not bode well for you in the future."

Op, I would also be careful that he doesn't try to paint a picture of you as a bad mother. He may have motives that you don't know about.

Are you able to get away for a few months to stay with family? Thays what I would do. You have to reset boundaries. Also do not bring him with you when you register the baby as it give him extra rights. If he asks you when you are going lie.

This.

keeptheaspidistra · 29/09/2022 18:25

Ugh. I breastfed all my children but HATE the wording of this. Why don't you ask her how she's going to feed baby instead of telling. The passive aggressive assumption...

TheRosesAreInBloom · 29/09/2022 18:26

OP this is off the main topic of your post but related nonetheless…

I couldn’t breastfeed my first two children due to the pain, it was miserable and I lasted 2/3 days. While pregnant with my third a midwife asked if I had tried the rugby hold (baby’s body around the side of me as opposed to across the front). I tried this when my son was morn, hand on heart not a jot of pain at anytime until 9 months when he bit me!! I went on to successfully feed my fourth child 13 years later using the same position. It’s so worth a try.

good luck with everything!

morekidsthanhands1 · 29/09/2022 18:28

Don’t let him manipulate you! The 50:50 is to get out of paying maintenance.
my ex played that card, very crafty. Your offer is over generous for a new born. I would only let him have the baby at the house. And 2hrs max. Def not at the birth, he has no right to be there. Def don’t do mediation if he is manipulating. I’d let him sweat it out and apply to court. And just say you’re breast feeding even if you’re not. He won’t know!

SpidersAreShitheads · 29/09/2022 18:32

keeptheaspidistra · 29/09/2022 18:25

Ugh. I breastfed all my children but HATE the wording of this. Why don't you ask her how she's going to feed baby instead of telling. The passive aggressive assumption...

If you're referring to the comment earlier on in the thread, the poster wasn't telling OP to breast feed although on face value that's what it might have sounded like.

A mum who is breastfeeding can't be separated from her baby because she's needed for feeds. By telling a controlling ex that you're breastfeeding, it gives the mum more clout to insist that she's not separated from her baby. They don't need to know what you are ACTUALLY doing.

The poster was hinting to the OP to say that she's breastfeeding. It comes up regularly on threads where an ex is trying to insist on inappropriate access for a newborn/young infant.

Whiskeypowers · 29/09/2022 18:36

Congratulations on your baby but your update is a bit unclear ….Are you actually back together with this man??

a1poshpaws · 29/09/2022 18:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mollymoostoo · 29/09/2022 18:42

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:45

@CloseYourEyesAndSee he's offered to go to mediation after my proposal.

However following our relationship I'm doing work with the freedom programme (a programme to help women recognise abuse - his was verbal/psychological/emotional) and not only do I not have to attend mediation, their concern is that he will manipulate me in to making a decision I don't want to do. So we decided that email gives me the space to read, get the advice from the freedom programme about some of the things he says, reflect and respond.

OK. So first of all, look at the programme.
He fits the traits of the bad father...he is trying to be present at the birth (he has no right to do this, even if you were together he has no legal right to this), he is demanding to remove a baby from you for 50% of the week 3.5 days is too long, no judge will grant this.
He doesn't want any of this, he just wants to control you. Listen to your legal team and don't make any decisions. He cant take you to court unless he does mediation, which he will have to pay for and then he will have to pay court and solicitor costs as public funding for family cases have been cut.
His aim here is to keep control. Don't let him. Enjoy the last part of your pregnancy, stop contact with him, you owe him nothing. Listen to your support worker. If all else fails they can find a safe place for you and baby.
I had a similar situation and my midwife told my ex they would move me into a mother and baby unit for my own mental health and he would have no access to either of us. When he was challenged by her, he backed off.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/09/2022 18:42

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

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It’s relevant - not a chance of 50-50 while she’s breastfeeding.

RachandO · 29/09/2022 18:44

Swayingpalmtrees · 23/04/2022 07:31

There is no way he would be at the birth, and not a chance I would even put him on the birth certificate. In fact I would not let him anywhere near my baby or me. Cut off contact. Don't respond and consider your options with a trusted solicitor.

Take back your power.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. As other posters have said, let him take you to court, there is currently a nine month wait or longer for some cases.

Absolutely this!

SpidersAreShitheads · 29/09/2022 18:49

People really need to read the updates.

The baby was born several months ago.

pinkpantherpink · 29/09/2022 18:50

Thanks for the uo6date. You sound as if you're in a good place and believe in your own power. Best wishes x

BlodynGwyn · 29/09/2022 18:50

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:38

@Tlollj I have insanely sensitive nipples and struggled a lot with my son even though that was years ago. My aim is to breastfeed for the first few days/week and just sit there in pain for her to get all the best stuff at the start but unless somehow it's a lot less painful this time I think a week will be my maximum unfortunately and that breaks my heart!

Sore nipples go away after awhile. It's well worth it to stick it out. I was just as sore with my second as with my first. I breastfed my first for 12 months my second for over 20 months. Remember it goes away. There are creams and air drying afterwards helps.

Cruisebabe1 · 29/09/2022 18:52

He left you didn’t he??? He sounds a right twat!!