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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

374 replies

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 06:56

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/09/2022 18:53

Congratulations on your baby OP and what an amazing update - it's really good to see an OP come back and especially when it's going so well!

TheClogLady · 29/09/2022 18:56

Baby3at40 · 28/09/2022 09:20

Hi everyone

Well what a crazy few months it's been. Thank you so much for all your replies, I've read them all!

I did cut off all contact with him after the thread, I focused on getting baby's room ready and some downtime of just nesting and sorting the house out before the birth.

About 2 weeks before he contacted me wanting to talk. I agreed.

If anyone else is going through anything similar I really do think it's about how you think about the situation. The space and no contact between us gave me time to reframe how I saw myself in this situation and I PUT MYSELF in the strong position. I was carrying his baby, I was going to be primary caregiver - HE should be the one in the vulnerable position, not me. And that got me through that time.

I felt empowered by just reframing, putting myself first. I learned a lot about perspective! Life really can be better if you reframe your position in it.

I allowed him at the birth. And I made it clear I was allowing him. It was my choice not his. The birth was quite fast and scary and we've both had kids before but this scared us a bit with the pace - there was one point we feared there was something wrong and because of this he fainted - I'll never let him live that down.

I set boundaries and expectations and it's been hard but he's met them or at least done everything to try to meet them.

Baby is 4 months old and we're in a really good place.

Anyone that's going through anything similar let me know and I fell on some really healthy coping mechanisms which has led me and baby to be really happy. Including Dad.

Thanks so much for the support MN it really helped get me through the early dark days of this post xx

Great update OP! I’m quoting you so others might see it more easily.

Congratulations Flowers

BlodynGwyn · 29/09/2022 19:00

Taking a newborn baby away from its mother is a crime against nature. I'm so glad I don't live in the UK.

T1Dmama · 29/09/2022 19:05

Since he’s being a prick don’t have him at the birth, don’t put his name on the birth certificate… register baby just in your name… he’ll have to take you to court to prove baby is his which will take months…
also if you breast feed then baby won’t be able to go to his 50/50 as will need to be with you for 4 hourly feeds.
His demands are incredibly unreasonable for a new born baby. You’ve offered daily contact which is more than reasonable, what an arse putting you under so much stress while heavily pregnant … maybe a restraining order will help??

Jojo8247 · 29/09/2022 19:07

What he wants and what he gets is very different and he is being very unrealistic.
no court in the land would grant that.
Stick to your guns and let him take it further if he wants to. And deal with it then. But from experience what he is asking for is usually just to control you.
tell him to go apply for mediation once the baby is here if he isn’t happy with what you are suggesting.
if that doesn’t work mediation which you have to have around 10 meetings if he is willing to pay, then a solicitor can draw up an agreement Or he can apply I think it’s a C500 form then it will be court. However all this takes time and money which he might not want to spend.
stick to your guns, you’re the main caregiver, it’s just a little baby and needs routine.

Solonge · 29/09/2022 19:13

Just say you are breastfeeding for first year….

PoshHorseyBird · 29/09/2022 19:13

"I just hope she doesn’t resent you for depriving her of a loving relationship with her dad".
Oh yes dad of the year right there, walking out on you when you're heavily pregnant! He is being a bully and manipulative. If I were you, and its possible, I would get more legal advice and start communicating with him through a solicitor. If he keeps threatening to take you to court just let him. Let's face it hes not got a leg to stand on.

T1Dmama · 29/09/2022 19:17

You are being too reasonable! Remember this arse hole left you pregnant, is threatening you and causing you stress …
The most he’d get from me is a text at some point after the birth to tell him the baby is born…. Sod him!
id cut all contact now till after baby is born and then simply tell him you’ll see him in mediation!

T1Dmama · 29/09/2022 19:24

Ah seen the update.
Glad you’re ok. Glad you set boundaries. M you make it found like you’re back together?

Annierob · 29/09/2022 19:26

You sound a really kind lady. Time for you to put yourself and baby first. I wouldn’t let him visit at all for the first six weeks and then once a week for an hour’s visit at a set day And time. You don’t need his needs playing centre stage.
Actually, he would be lucky to be anywhere near the baby if he had walked out. I’m not as kind as you.
Good luck to you. Hope all goes well with your baby.

NotJustAnybody · 29/09/2022 19:26

Please for the love of god and your baby, get proper legal advice and stop engaging with him. I personally think what you are offering is well above reasonable and any court will recognise that.
Look up the Grey Rock Method.

Autumn61 · 29/09/2022 19:30

I think it was maybe a prompt !

Loungingstevens · 29/09/2022 19:32

Congratulations OP.
its great to read your update.
It seems you felt strong enough to allow him at the birth. As long as you weren’t pushed into it then I think it’s a beautiful gift for your daughter. Having the two people who made you be able to tell you that story, about your first moments of life can be very anchoring/important (I don’t know what the word is!).
wishing you luck going forward

Bestcatmum · 29/09/2022 19:34

BlodynGwyn · 29/09/2022 19:00

Taking a newborn baby away from its mother is a crime against nature. I'm so glad I don't live in the UK.

I totally agree.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/09/2022 19:38

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

Show quote history

It’s a smart question that tells op how to navigate this unreasonable demand from ex wether she is bf or not.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 29/09/2022 19:39

@TraceyLacey exactly the same with my 1st and 2nd

Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/09/2022 19:43

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:38

@Tlollj I have insanely sensitive nipples and struggled a lot with my son even though that was years ago. My aim is to breastfeed for the first few days/week and just sit there in pain for her to get all the best stuff at the start but unless somehow it's a lot less painful this time I think a week will be my maximum unfortunately and that breaks my heart!

He doesn’t need to know that.

ocadodeliveroo · 29/09/2022 19:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Oioicaptain · 29/09/2022 19:52

What a great update! It's great to see that you have taken control and that it's now working so well for all of you. A fantastic outcome!

Notfirme · 29/09/2022 19:53

I’m stunned that everyone seems to want to stop the father playing an equal role in his child’s life. Really stunned. I live outside the UK in a country where 50/50 is the default and the relationship to both parents is deemed equally important. Of course it feels scary to hand over new baby - but he’s the baby’s father. Agree routines, spend time to feel secure you agree on how to take care of baby and maybe short visits for both parents as you get used to the situation - and setting up a future where both parents play an equally significant role on your daughter’s life will be so positive! (Even if right now it feels overwhelming)

Jbbl · 29/09/2022 19:53

I get your going though a lot and everything but why dose everyone use babies as weapons he saw u naked to make said baby so what’s the difference he has every right as u do. As for said birth certificate that’s u fair he is the child’s dad and therefor the child should have both parents on the certificate it won’t hurt dad it will hurt said child later in life.

sometimes we need to put own on hurt to the side you was happy enough to lay and make the child together not fair pushing him out of everything.

LaurenM87 · 29/09/2022 19:56

50/50 is unreasonable on his part but if he's anything like my ex he will soon change his tune when he realises the reality of caring for a baby!

Kazibar · 29/09/2022 19:56

Tbh I don’t think anyone except your ex would think your suggestions were anything but reasonable. Your sons father is a whole different deal, you were living together as a family which for me maybe suggests slowing more access rights.

id suggest starting lower. See how he handles it. Is he an ok guy or a twat? Are you in your own mind sharing parenting or us he having access?

sjxoxo · 29/09/2022 20:00

Lovely update! I think many recent posters on this thread haven’t realised it’s old and there’s been an update…

Glad it went well for you Op. I thought you’ve been very generous!!! Good luck to you & your bubba xxx

Loulou9982 · 29/09/2022 20:01

Legally he would only be entitled to every other weekend your being more than reasonable. If it went to court he would only legally get every other weekend I believe but obviously it’s much better if you can settle outside of court

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