Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

374 replies

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 06:56

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

OP posts:
JessesMum777888 · 28/09/2022 10:23

What a lovely update.
congratulations to all of you x

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 10:37

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

Show quote history

Well if she wants to prevent 50/50, she's going to have to.

Vallmo47 · 28/09/2022 10:37

So pleased to read your update OP and congratulations on your baby!!

Justanotherlittlename · 28/09/2022 10:41

Great news that your baby’s safe and your in a good place @Baby3at40

there are a few things in your update that are a little concerning - please don’t ever forget this man is was and always will be abusive…

Onlinetherapist · 28/09/2022 10:41

Points to consider:

You will be extremely vulnerable after giving birth, physically, emotionally, trying to get breastfeeding established, (after a difficult start with your son) sore, bleeding, exhausted. Are you sure you want to let a highly abusive male into (what should be) your safe space? For 18 hours per week?
My babies were latched on constantly around the clock as newborns. Do you want to have to worry about covering up your breasts for three hours a day? Is he really the sort of man that will nurture you, bring you food and drink etc to allow you the space to nurture his child? Doesn’t sound like it, sounds like he wants to separate you from your baby rather than nurture you both.

Abusive men go for 50/50 to continue to abuse and control financially. In my opinion there will be a woman waiting in the wings (his mother, most likely, or new girlfriend?) ready to pick up the slack and enable him.

Does he work, and if so is there a generous paternity package he can take advantage of
if he has at least 50/50?

Is it in your child’s best interests to have a relationship with a highly abusive male, even if it is her father?

Is it in your sons best interests to have his safe space invaded by this man? And to witness a continuation of the abuse?

I feel for you as I’m guessing you will have years, possibly decades, of unreasonable demands from this man. I suggest with each new demand, you consider first and foremost your child’s best interests (rather than trying to placate her father).

Keep a trail of all messages incase this goes to court.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 28/09/2022 10:42

Tlollj · 23/04/2022 06:58

You’ll be breastfeeding though, won’t you?

Big assumption.

MrJi · 28/09/2022 11:16

AdaColeman · 23/04/2022 08:13

I think your offer is far too generous, and would be to your own and the baby’s disadvantage.
So, as he has rejected that offer, I’d withdraw it, and instead offer minimal supervised contact.
50/50 would be unworkable with a newborn breastfeeding baby and no court would order it. Your Ex is doing this so he doesn’t have to pay any maintenance.

Dont put him on the birth certificate, he would have to attend the registration appointment with you in order to be included on the certificate, so just go alone to see the registrar.

I'd be wary of attending mediation if I were you, it will just give him a chance to bully you.

Totally agree with this.
He sounds a bully, don’t let him control you.
Do try to persist with breast feeding. I had thrush in my ducts and found it so agonising with dd1 that I would cry with pain, each time I told myself I would do just this one more feed. After six weeks I realised it had just stopped hurting and I carried on feeding until she was well over two .

TherapistInATabard · 28/09/2022 11:23

Fantastic update, @Baby3at40 . Now for the avalanche of responses to your OP from posters who can’t be arsed to read all your posts!!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/09/2022 11:39

Charley50 · 23/04/2022 07:58

He left you! He doesn't get to demand all these things. You're going to be the one loving and caring for the baby, he can fuck off. He can prove himself a caring father by paying for his child and playing nicely and caringly when he sees them. If he can do that, and be respectful of you, you'll want him to see his child more often as they get bigger

This....

Also if he's been psychologically abusive to you.... Like hell would I want him in my home with my small child! (esp when I'm breastfeeding).

Do you trust his parents? Can they be around for some of these sessions?

In my (social work) experience, men who have emotionally abused their partners, they're likely to abuse their kids too. They genuinely believe that everyone in their world should submit to their control.

Think very carefully about how you proceed with this!

Misandre · 28/09/2022 11:49

What a brilliant update! Thanks for posting this OP. You sound like an amazing woman.

Did you go with the 3 hours 6 times a week?

VerbenaGirl · 28/09/2022 11:53

TraceyLacey · 23/04/2022 07:49

On the breastfeeding - with my first I was gritting my teeth in pain, but with the second I didn't feel anything, it was fine! No idea why it was different.

Same here! Totally different experience with different babies.

Yerroblemom1923 · 28/09/2022 12:01

Breastfeeding takes 40 mins-1hr and then 20 minutes later same again so not sure when he'll get a look in, OP. Appreciate this is an illness thread but would live to know the outcome.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/09/2022 12:02

Yerroblemom1923 · 28/09/2022 12:01

Breastfeeding takes 40 mins-1hr and then 20 minutes later same again so not sure when he'll get a look in, OP. Appreciate this is an illness thread but would live to know the outcome.

She updated this morning........

Yerroblemom1923 · 28/09/2022 12:02

Old thread not an illness thread! WHEN will MN get an edit feature?!!!

MadinMarch · 28/09/2022 12:05

Thanks for the update. I'm so pleased things seem to have worked out so well for you in the circumstances.

Kennykenkencat · 28/09/2022 12:08

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

Show quote history

A very practical one

midsomermurderess · 28/09/2022 12:11

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

Show quote history

A ruse, or device, whether she actually is, to close him down.

Kennykenkencat · 28/09/2022 12:11

If he is only an ex partner you could just leave him off the birth certificate

HannaHanna · 28/09/2022 12:12

You are really incredible. Thank you for sharing this outcome and how you achieved it. Really uplifting.

Mooshamoo · 28/09/2022 12:14

Why should the woman get to see the baby more than the man though?

What about what is in the childs best interests.

I remember when I was a child- only getting to see my dad for a few hours a week. I missed him desperately. I wanted to see him every day. Both parents were equally important to me.

Women always seem to think that they are the more important parent. Why?

SquigglePigs · 28/09/2022 12:15

Congratulations on your baby OP and amazingly well done on those boundaries. It is so good to hear you have managed to turn it around so you are content with how things are going. Tiny brownie points to him for stopping being an arse and stepping up where you've asked. It must have been really clear to him that you'd made your mind up and weren't to be messed with so nicely done again!

drspouse · 28/09/2022 12:18

Assuming he gets 2 weeks paternity leave (do fathers get that when they aren't living with the mum?) then what's he planning to do even for the three hours a day going beyond that time? He won't get random times off work (and you won't want to accommodate him seeing the baby every evening) and he won't find a nanny for this age (which is what he'd need if he really wanted 50/50).
Has he noticed his older children, you know, go to school and stuff?

Kennykenkencat · 28/09/2022 12:22

Maybe just me but the update might be a good outcome but I wouldn’t let my guard down.

Seems too friendly considering what he put you through.

MeridianB · 28/09/2022 12:23

AdaColeman · 23/04/2022 08:13

I think your offer is far too generous, and would be to your own and the baby’s disadvantage.
So, as he has rejected that offer, I’d withdraw it, and instead offer minimal supervised contact.
50/50 would be unworkable with a newborn breastfeeding baby and no court would order it. Your Ex is doing this so he doesn’t have to pay any maintenance.

Dont put him on the birth certificate, he would have to attend the registration appointment with you in order to be included on the certificate, so just go alone to see the registrar.

I'd be wary of attending mediation if I were you, it will just give him a chance to bully you.

Totally agree with all of this. I don't think mediation is recommended with abusers, anyway?

WRT the absuive behaviour, I would make notes of everything you can recall (with dates if poss) until now and then add to it whenever there is more, along with any screengrabs or emails.

Whatever contact he does get initially, having it in your home will give him the chance to abuse and bully you every time. If there isn't another another location where you could arrange it, then could there be someone there with you for all his visits?

MeridianB · 28/09/2022 12:26

Sorry! Just seen your update and glad you are feeling powerful. But I wouldn't trust him an inch.

Enjoy your baby! Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread