My husband is divorcing me. No lawyer, can he make me homeless after final order?

[Delilahsflowers]

Hi there everyone,

My situation is not good and I feel very vulnerable. Any advice I would really appreciate. I am so scared about my future and don’t know what to do. Apologies that my post is long!

My husband of nearly 20 years has applied for divorce this week. Over the last two or three years, he has changed and now broken every marital vow- even giving me a nasty STI that I’ll have for life after using prostitutes. He went on Tinder as well. He has bullied me in many ways, although not physically.

He has also been having an affair for two years I believe and is currently in this relationship after walking out on me and my children at Christmas. I believe it was all planned for months. He bought gifts for this woman in front of my face while lying about who they were for. I found a ‘grab bag’ by his desk for him to stay with her with the gift in. He encouraged her move to London from Glasgow which she has.

He has now issued divorce proceedings via a solicitor this week. He has removed his name from the council tax but says he will still pay it. He is living with his parents but seeing this woman when he works in London during the week.

I have been a full - time mum for many years looking after my 3 children. I also need major abdominal surgery and am only well enough to work part- time. I have now been referred for surgery but it could take months to get my operation as it’s complex.

I do have a job at the moment, but find it stressful and also not right for me, so need to find an alternative. I only started it in November and he left the following month. My health means I am quite weak and I only just manage with my condition. Although my children ( all teenagers) are helping, I’m coping alone in a house that needs constant maintenance.

I am very concerned about 2 things and am at a loss as to what to do now. I have filled in my home rights, benefits etc so that’s all done. I am 50.

1. I have no lawyer. I have no family to ask for financial support at all and no access to any resources. I can’t get a loan as I’ve not worked long enough and am not entitled to legal aid. I can’t find any lawyer who will represent me and be paid later from any equity. I know I may get legal aid for mediation but that’s all I might get.

1. I am very worried that my husband will force me to leave the house once the divorce is finalised. The property is in his name only. I cannot afford to run this house or pay the mortgage which alone is almost more than my wages!

We are currently on a debt management plan after he got us 60k into debt and didn’t tell me. He has only a pension of around 5k and a work pension. There is little equity and took out a secured loan of £35k a few years ago.

He has stated that he wants the house to be sold only once all the children are 18, which is in 3 years as they need a home and to finish their secondary education. But not told me I can stay here until that time.

I believe he might try to return to the house and live here with my children ( and even try to bring in his new girlfriend) while forcing me to vacate and basically be homeless as I can’t afford the bills. We have cats and one he is very fond if so he won’t want to be away from the pets either long term.

My job prospects are not good due to my years caring for the kids, my health and I have no savings or family support.

I literally have nothing or any assets in the house to sell. My wages only pay at the moment towards food, some things for the children plus my own costs such as dentist/ opticians and travel to work.

My concern is that without a lawyer, I cannot get any support at all and I might end up homeless. My husband is very much caught up in this affair, is younger than me and wants now to be free.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I have looked at seeing if I can apply for him to pay a solicitor’s fees - LMPS I think it’s called but I don’t know how to go about it. He is a high earner.

I am sorry to ask so much on this forum but if anyone has any ideas on what I can do legally to protect myself, please say. I know people say that I must get a lawyer- well I just don’t have any resources to.

They charge hundreds per hour and to open a file costs upwards of £500 even as a start.

It might be catastrophing the situation a little but I am very worried. My husband used to be a lovely man but has now got a big job, a big ego and has truly become so hostile towards me, I am stunned.

I would never have guessed that he could have done all he has to me these past two years. If I had known, I would never have married him.

[quote Villagewaspbyke]@AskingforaBaskin her posts do not show the children “piecing together” things at all though. Quite the opposite. There is certainly something concerning about ops pleasure at how “shocked” the childrens aunt was after her 15 year old had discussed their father’s alleged transgressions (including apparently prostitutes and vd). I would be deeply disturbed if that were my child.[/quote]
The Op did not say or indicate that her DC had told their aunt that their father had given their mother herpes, we don't even know if the children are aware of this fact. However, those are the facts and it isn't always a good thing to shield DC from the truth.

You might "be deeply disturbed", but not everyone thinks like you and Op has in no way indicated her "pleasure" at her SIL's reaction. You might want to rein in your imagination and try not to make up an alternative fantasy narrative.

Didn't see 'pleasure' at the shock at all when I read it

@UniversalAunt

If the debt is in his name, then it is he alone who is responsible for repayment of that debt. It is a contract solely between the lender & borrower.

What the money is used for is not the point.
The lender is only interested in repayment.

Sorry, that’s not necessarily the case if the debt was acquired during the marriage. If it was, the judge will decide whether if the debt acquired benefitted the marriage and I’d so, part of the equity of the house could be used to pay off that debt before us split between the parties.

Not trying to make the OP feeling worse with this information, just aware that she needs to be alert to the possibility so she is prepared to fight against it if it happens.

@UniversalAunt

If the debt is in his name, then it is he alone who is responsible for repayment of that debt. It is a contract solely between the lender & borrower.

What the money is used for is not the point.
The lender is only interested in repayment.

Not good advice in the context of a divorce. If the debt has been accrued as part of family life it is a marital debt. It will offset the marital assets. Leaving them £40k to fight over.

Debt gets split as well as assets. Unless you can argue either was separate from family life.

Basically you and STBEXH either have to come to an agreement together over finances, see a solicitor or mediator or go to court

What is he proposing offering you? What conversations have you had about this? This is the adult thing to do in the first instance.

It sounds really messy and confusing. Ultimately you need to reach a financial settlement. You may rightly be smarting about his behaviour but he could’ve shagged 100 women and it won’t make a difference to what you’re entitled to.

It’s good that your kids can maintain a relationship with his family. You don’t have to like them and of course you’re disappointed they didn’t turn out to be the in laws you would’ve wanted. Let it go as again, mud-slinging will make no difference in the long run to any financial agreement

Honestly - don’t panic but do take action.

You know that saying - the most obvious explanation is usually the right one.

Everything points towards things staying more or less as they are for at least the next three years. His new woman will not want to live in that house.

So start saving now.

Firstly…You have a job. That’s great. It’s the type of job you can do anywhere in the country and will always be in demand. You obviously have qualifications. No one can take that away from you. Can you do any more qualifications through work to improve what you have?

Secondly…money isn’t going to come out of nowhere. It is what it is. If there are debts they may well come out of the sale of the house. You might not get much of a lump sum. It doesn’t matter how much of a twat he has been or how much you hate his family this will not bring you one penny more.

You will, to be frank, have to get a better job/an additional job/work longer hours/retrain to get a better income. There is no other way.

I note there’s a pension but sadly as he’s younger than you, you could be past 75 by the time it can be drawn. Do you have any pensions from before you had kids?

Forget about this silly to-ing and fro-ing he said she said etc

Have you got together and discussed finances? If not why not

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and many helpful comments/advice. Some people have been so kind abd helpful. I will use all the advice given and contact support agencies.

I’m leaving the thread now but I wish everyone a lovely week.

OP, just a thought - but if you can stretch financially to a QC/barrister/advocate opinion, then it will give you an idea of how much you would get should it go to court - and then negotiate on that basis?

My opinion cost around £500. Cheaper than lots of lawyers letters back & forth.

@SmallPrawnEnergy it would be nice though if op would think of the impact on her children of her behavior (obviously she can’t do anything about her ex). As I say I have been the child in that situation and it’s not to be taken lightly. They are going through a horrendous time that will likely affect them for life.

@AskingforaBaskin - a fifteen year old girl discussing her fathers affair and alleged VD with her aunt is not some “cretin getting what they deserve”. It’s deeply disturbing behavior and really worrying to me about the effect on the child.

@RobertsRadio think you need to read the ops posts again. She seems quite focused on trying to get her ex’s family on side. Op also claims the children know “everything” as their father “left them.”

In reality there is no benefit to be had in trying to get his family on ops side. It won’t work. Oversharing with the kids will just damage them and their relationship with both parents.

There are very few assets to fight over. Better to agree things and move on and try to protect kids from the toxicity.

Agree with Village, I’m not sure under 18s should be told about this sort of stuff, no wonder they told the aunt they probably felt very strange about it. Daddy’s cavorting with prostitutes and given mummy a disease. How do they even know this information 🤢

By all means tell his parents or even the aunt yourself if you must I wouldn’t care about that but involving kids?! Weird boundaries!

By the way OP has started several other threads on MNet about the same sort of thing and then leaves the thread. She’s been given the same advice before so clearly doesn’t follow it.

1. Today register your spousal right over the matrimonial home HR1. This is free or cheap and you can do it online. It means the wrold, a buyer, a lender etc all have notice of your divorce law rights and your husband could not sell the house in secret to someone else.

1. If you have £3 spare too do a land registry search to double check the house is in his name and also exactly which lenders have a registered charge over the house.

1. Keep your job if you possibly can even though you feel ill and tired and he may disappear abroad and pay nothing and the children need the money etc.

1. See if you are entitled to any benefits.

1. If he has been really abusive you may be able to obtain a court order plus using legal aid if there is violence to exclude him from the home from now on. The order - non molestation order - however does not give you ownership of the house.

1. Negotiate with him as to a settlement financially and do NOT agree to decree absolute until the court has sealed the financial consent order. You may want to take out life insurance over him from now on and obviously make a new will in favour of your children too.

1. The settlement might be that he will pay 25% of his net income or whatever the CMS rules say for the children from now and spousal maintenance to you to help you pay the mortgage. In my view you are better off in the owned house rather than trying to get a dreadful council hell hole or private rented with no security. I would try to keep the house come what may. Try to negotiate for immediate interim maintenance. If he will not pay it you can apply to court without a lawyer to get that to be paid now. Maintenance pending suit or interim maintenance or whatever it is called. Then negotiate the final settlement which could be he pays the mortgage until youngest child is 18 and money for the children until 18 or out of university (my court sealed consent order says I support the children through university stage too - I earn a lot more than my ex husband). You may have a personal injury claim for damages as he gave you herpes for life against him. It may be he and you have just about no money, debts and hardly any equity in the house. Even so I would try to keep the house to give the children stability.

In British law the starting point is 50-50 and that means 50 per cent of what he has is yours... at least. He can't chuck you out of the house as a stay at home mum with children under 18 and he also can't wangle a quicky divorce without your consent... he has to wait two years. So first of all take a deep breath and understand that it's in his interest to treat you fairly. Secondly I'm sorry this has happened to you, but it sounds like you will be well rid of him and happier in the long run. 50 is still young and if you want to you will be able to move on.
Thirdly, there are lawyers who will help you. Have you considered going to the Citizens Advice Bureau for guidance?
Do no under any circumstances leave your family home. Personally, under advice I'd be looking to have the locks changed.
Good luck

@SnozPoz Divorce law changed at the beginning of April.
No consent needed. The whole process can take as little as 26 weeks.