My husband is divorcing me. No lawyer, can he make me homeless after final order?

[Delilahsflowers]

Hi there everyone,

My situation is not good and I feel very vulnerable. Any advice I would really appreciate. I am so scared about my future and don’t know what to do. Apologies that my post is long!

My husband of nearly 20 years has applied for divorce this week. Over the last two or three years, he has changed and now broken every marital vow- even giving me a nasty STI that I’ll have for life after using prostitutes. He went on Tinder as well. He has bullied me in many ways, although not physically.

He has also been having an affair for two years I believe and is currently in this relationship after walking out on me and my children at Christmas. I believe it was all planned for months. He bought gifts for this woman in front of my face while lying about who they were for. I found a ‘grab bag’ by his desk for him to stay with her with the gift in. He encouraged her move to London from Glasgow which she has.

He has now issued divorce proceedings via a solicitor this week. He has removed his name from the council tax but says he will still pay it. He is living with his parents but seeing this woman when he works in London during the week.

I have been a full - time mum for many years looking after my 3 children. I also need major abdominal surgery and am only well enough to work part- time. I have now been referred for surgery but it could take months to get my operation as it’s complex.

I do have a job at the moment, but find it stressful and also not right for me, so need to find an alternative. I only started it in November and he left the following month. My health means I am quite weak and I only just manage with my condition. Although my children ( all teenagers) are helping, I’m coping alone in a house that needs constant maintenance.

I am very concerned about 2 things and am at a loss as to what to do now. I have filled in my home rights, benefits etc so that’s all done. I am 50.

1. I have no lawyer. I have no family to ask for financial support at all and no access to any resources. I can’t get a loan as I’ve not worked long enough and am not entitled to legal aid. I can’t find any lawyer who will represent me and be paid later from any equity. I know I may get legal aid for mediation but that’s all I might get.

1. I am very worried that my husband will force me to leave the house once the divorce is finalised. The property is in his name only. I cannot afford to run this house or pay the mortgage which alone is almost more than my wages!

We are currently on a debt management plan after he got us 60k into debt and didn’t tell me. He has only a pension of around 5k and a work pension. There is little equity and took out a secured loan of £35k a few years ago.

He has stated that he wants the house to be sold only once all the children are 18, which is in 3 years as they need a home and to finish their secondary education. But not told me I can stay here until that time.

I believe he might try to return to the house and live here with my children ( and even try to bring in his new girlfriend) while forcing me to vacate and basically be homeless as I can’t afford the bills. We have cats and one he is very fond if so he won’t want to be away from the pets either long term.

My job prospects are not good due to my years caring for the kids, my health and I have no savings or family support.

I literally have nothing or any assets in the house to sell. My wages only pay at the moment towards food, some things for the children plus my own costs such as dentist/ opticians and travel to work.

My concern is that without a lawyer, I cannot get any support at all and I might end up homeless. My husband is very much caught up in this affair, is younger than me and wants now to be free.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I have looked at seeing if I can apply for him to pay a solicitor’s fees - LMPS I think it’s called but I don’t know how to go about it. He is a high earner.

I am sorry to ask so much on this forum but if anyone has any ideas on what I can do legally to protect myself, please say. I know people say that I must get a lawyer- well I just don’t have any resources to.

They charge hundreds per hour and to open a file costs upwards of £500 even as a start.

It might be catastrophing the situation a little but I am very worried. My husband used to be a lovely man but has now got a big job, a big ego and has truly become so hostile towards me, I am stunned.

I would never have guessed that he could have done all he has to me these past two years. If I had known, I would never have married him.

Thank you for all the advice Littleorangeflowers. I will stay put now and fight my corner ! You’ve given me some strength that I can get through this. x

Sending you

That's the spirit! Fight for you and your children.

Remember the only way he can get you out is to get a court to force the sale which a) takes forever b) they'll find out what he's been up to such as deserting the children and living with ow c) he'll have to give full financial disclosure and the earning capacity will be taken into account wrt the available equity split and you being primary caregiver for years and d) highly unlikely given you're living in a marital asset with the children.

So you've got time and lots of it. Solicitors letters can be scary but don't mean a huge amount unless actually in the court process. you can always write back to his solicitor and ask for full financial disclosure via form E.

Also consider changing the locks if you are worried about your privacy or his behaviour.

Littleorangeflowrs:-

Thank you for your very kind words- I am taking much comfort from your help x

You're welcome. Take care. Take your time and you'll get there. The emotional stuff is hard too but that'll pass in time x

Contact your local council and see if you can't get a crisis grant

So sorry you're in this position. I've been there and it sucks.

You won't feel like work now but will be glad of it long term. I went back a couple days after exH left for OW as was in a training position and would have lost the job. Also no entitlement to sick pay then. It was brutal and I cried many times in the toilet in between clients. But the support from colleagues was pivotal, it kept me busy and gave me hope for the future. It enabled me to get a small mortgage.

Definitely use CMS.
You may get council tax support.
Older kids under 21 don't always affect council tax massively.
Reduce bills and rearrange direct debits etc

Get on council lists and look into shared ownership schemes too

ExMiL made comments about older kids not being affected which really upset the kids as they were devasated. Some were doing GCSEs. They were and still are angry with exH. Despite me being neutral I can't shield them from exDHs poor behaviour towards them. He didn't want to coparent at all and basically ignores them apart from the odd text. Same with his family.

All the best

Forgot to say that your health issues can be mentioned in divorce because it Limits your earnings going forwards. This may mean you get more of his pension and equity in house. I have similar limiting conditions and work part time due to it. I don't get PIP etc for same reasons as you. It was mentioned in settlement. Over 20 years is considered a long marriage and you could go for over 50 percent of assets. Eg bigger share in house and some of pension. Also if he is younger he has more opportunities to grow his pension again.

@Delilahsflowers

I have checked and I don’t qualify for PIP. I can do all the basics for myself. My condition is limiting for me, painful and I can’t do things like ride a bike, swim or run much but I can walk normally.

Sorry but you should qualify for PIP, you said you are unable to work full time because of your abdomen. Please see CAB and ask them to help you apply, surely your specialists can provide evidence?

@Bananarama21

Stop mentioning spousal maintenance its rarely awarded. Op once the house sells you need to apply for council or private rented it suckd but many woman have to do it.

OP is over 50, out of the workforce about 20 years and with recent poor health.

I think it quite possible she would get a couple of years, to allow time for retraining.

Yes, thank you Autumn and Kalvin I’ll contact the CAB and get some advice for PIP and filling in the form as it sounds complex and tricky. I’ll apply for it as my abdominal problems do stop me working full time until my surgery. I have nothing to lose !

My in laws seem very nonplused about the whole situation. They are acting with my children as if nothing has happened at all- it’s not discussed. I was expecting that response. It’s all about their son, he’s very much ‘golden balls’.

They paid off one huge debt a few years back ( around 30-40k) , originally gave him the house deposit of 25k and loaned him a personal loan for 30k for more debt when the children were younger. Now they have paid his car repair bill of 700 and started the divorce for him after accessing an hr’s advice- at least 1200 so far I reckon.

He is lucky, they are are endless gravy train. And he will get half their house too on their death. They don’t ever question him. They refuse to acknowledge just how irresponsible he is with his money or any of his other behaviours towards me and neglect of the house either. It keeps happening and they won’t or can’t recognise a pattern.

They are an odd couple; polite, generous, but rarely showing any emotion so I’m not surprised. They never watch the news or look at world problems, they prefer to live in a bubble where everything is wonderful. They are certainly shielding him from all our pain here as the ones left behind as he is now living with them. He just runs to them and forgets about us.

His mother emailed mine and informed her about the situation, which wasn’t her place to do and I was upset. They like to interfere and are happy to bully me with expensive solicitors. They don’t know what he’s done as he’s lied to them and not told them anything.

I’ve found it extremely upsetting that they just aren’t interested much in my children’s welfare and how this affects them as young adults. My daughter only turned 15 two weeks ago and is incredibly angry about it. She has told her dad many times how she feels and tells me that he just doesn’t respond, won’t discuss and gives excuses.

My father in law thinks his son to be more important than me due his job and that my role bringing up the children is absolutely secondary. I’ve always felt that way. They are paying for the divorce as well so clearly happy to do it.

My soon to be ex definitely suffers from autism too; he has many symptoms and I’ve found it difficult over the years to negotiate the problems it’s caused. Even his sister thinks he should get diagnosed but he takes offence at her comments and ignores it.

My husband is one of those people who constantly stonewalls and defects . I’ve tried to work at it and approach him using different ways to tackle problems and his responses, but I never got anywhere. He simply closes down.

I know it can sometimes be a defensive response, but he often uses it attack me instead and deliberately won’t reply or deal with any conflict.

In a new relationship, I want a man who doesn’t stonewall!

Sorry if I’m venting and I know it seems as though I’m bad mouthing my in- laws. I don’t mean to be viscous to anyone but I’ve struggled with my in- laws on various levels. I come from a very different style of family so I’ve never adjusted to their approach to life.

I will look into at spousal maintenance although doubt I qualify!

If he doesn't pay the mortgage on the house it will affect his credit score so that is his problem so don't feel guilty for him having to pay for that plus CMS especially as he is staying at his parents for free.

Keep on keeping on

Have a listen to “the divorce podcast” there are some episodes there on sorting out finances

Thank you bowling- I will listen to the podcasts.

I can’t believe that he got us into over 100k of debt!

I didn’t know about the 65k and would have gone back to work part/ time long ago to help had I known he was struggling.

I did give him £1000 to help with a house renovation after I briefly did some agency work last year, but he never bothered to do it so I used the money elsewhere in the property.

He always said everything was ok and I never saw any financial documents. We never went short of money. I presumed he was managing the finances properly as he said they were his responsibility alone.

He never told me a thing and I feel both guilty and stupid. I feel naive to have trusted him but he was a good family man until 2-3 years ago when he started to become deceitful, lie and constantly hide from me.

I gradually found out everything due to my suspicions. I am a complete idiot for not realising he was most likely planning an exit. I see it now, but his autism some meant I was unsure what he was thinking or feeling. I wish to heaven I had never trusted him.

F

And now we have no family car as he’s taken it so our lives have shrunk to trains and one bus service.

If I lived in a city with good transport links it wouldn’t matter so much or had extended family support, but I’m stuck out in a small, quite isolated town.

I would never move here willingly without access to a car and everyone in my area around me has one, if not two ! I am learning to drive now.

If we need emergency supplies or help, I’m really stuck and will have to call an ambulance unless my daughter’s best friend’s family can help us.

We can only do very local things now. It’s really restrictive and shrinks where I can work as well. We moved here for his commute to London, he never considered my working here.

So my nearest large town is Ashford where I could get a much better choice of jobs. It’s only 20 minutes by car but by public transport - 3 hrs! I have some hospital appointments there soon and I’ll have to spend a whole day getting there and back.

I’ve had no warning about any of this - he’s just upped and gone.

He told me recently he wants a sports car.
I reckon he’ll exchange our family vehicle for one and spend more money on his new relationship. He pays no rent to his parents. So yes , I’ll do CM and look into spousal too.

I honestly do not know what I’ve done to deserve the way he’s treated me and our children. And his parents haven’t helped at all. They have not stayed neutral or
helped us to reconcile by not getting involved. They are enabling him to leave and just not understanding he’s destroying his family.

He is happy to see the kids only once a fortnight now. He is completely unfazed. Not a shred of emotion. He’s clearly completely checked out from our lives.

But thank you so much to everyone whose given me such wonderful support and excellent advice during the Easter holiday.

I really appreciate it very much and will take on all the advice. I don’t have much support in real life as I’m quite reserved so I’m very grateful to you all . Sending love and thanks

Do any of your children have a full driving license?

No, my daughter has a provisional but can’t afford to learn at the moment.

After her exams in June she is getting a summer job and she’s going to use some of that to pay for lessons.

I would drop the thoughts about the car. You have to much to think about as it is. You should filter out the things that aren't an issue.
It's his car and none of you can drive so what benefit would it have been for him to leave it with you?

You would still be reliant on public transport.

What I’m saying is that not having a car where we live is very inconvenient and not what I agreed to when moving to this area.

It’s part of the impact his leaving has had on us. Where we are is really limiting without access to transport and affects my ability to earn.

It also affects my children’s relationship with their friends and family as they can’t go places.

Had he told me he wanted to sooner and given me reasonable time to learn to drive and work, I would have coped better. He has placed us in even more of a difficult position which could have been avoided.

It also shows his is not bothered in the least about how we would manage in this area without access to facilities.

Separate sooner I mean

I would never, ever leave my partner of so many years in such a sudden way that leaves them and my kids stranded and isolated in a small town, unless it was a case of domestic violence, which this is not.

I would tell them of my unhappiness, request counselling and give them some time, at lest 6 months to get organised / prepare for a separate life.

I had no warning he was going, so couldn’t do anything to organise better transport or ask people I know to maybe help.

@Delilahsflowers

No, my daughter has a provisional but can’t afford to learn at the moment.

After her exams in June she is getting a summer job and she’s going to use some of that to pay for lessons.

No legal advice here, but just to say I'm so sorry this horrible soon to be ex husband of yours is acting this way to you and your kids, you all don't deserve any of this. He is horrid! Thank you for posting, as it opens the eyes of many SAHPs and the risks such an option can entail for them long term. Also, no one mentioned this, I may be a tad odd here suggesting this, but have you ever or your DC had an eye to eye conversation with your in laws recently about your husbands actions? Like explicitly said he's seen prostitution and given you life long STI's, his debt from you, your DC's anger, lack of sleep over this, etc? He maybe playing the victim to his parents, lying, and they and his sister should know the truth of what a twat he is...even if they will continue to support him (which they will), they can do it knowing what a twat he is, and how much havoc he is causing in your DC's lives.

My kids are older teens now and they want to go out, see friends and do things.

For example, my son is doing The Duke of Edinburgh Award and needs to get to other isolated for training. I can’t get him there now and I’m going to have to ask other people which is quite embarrassing!

No car confines them to only the immediate area or town centres nearby that they can access by train. My husband always took them to wherever they needed to go- it was part of our family life.

Suddenly not having that is causing much difficulty and is not of my making.

Contact Rights of Women

Also Gingerbread can provide details of organisations that can give legal advice or help you find it.

We're not living in Victorian times. He can't just walk away. Good luck.