My husband is divorcing me. No lawyer, can he make me homeless after final order?

[Delilahsflowers]

Hi there everyone,

My situation is not good and I feel very vulnerable. Any advice I would really appreciate. I am so scared about my future and don’t know what to do. Apologies that my post is long!

My husband of nearly 20 years has applied for divorce this week. Over the last two or three years, he has changed and now broken every marital vow- even giving me a nasty STI that I’ll have for life after using prostitutes. He went on Tinder as well. He has bullied me in many ways, although not physically.

He has also been having an affair for two years I believe and is currently in this relationship after walking out on me and my children at Christmas. I believe it was all planned for months. He bought gifts for this woman in front of my face while lying about who they were for. I found a ‘grab bag’ by his desk for him to stay with her with the gift in. He encouraged her move to London from Glasgow which she has.

He has now issued divorce proceedings via a solicitor this week. He has removed his name from the council tax but says he will still pay it. He is living with his parents but seeing this woman when he works in London during the week.

I have been a full - time mum for many years looking after my 3 children. I also need major abdominal surgery and am only well enough to work part- time. I have now been referred for surgery but it could take months to get my operation as it’s complex.

I do have a job at the moment, but find it stressful and also not right for me, so need to find an alternative. I only started it in November and he left the following month. My health means I am quite weak and I only just manage with my condition. Although my children ( all teenagers) are helping, I’m coping alone in a house that needs constant maintenance.

I am very concerned about 2 things and am at a loss as to what to do now. I have filled in my home rights, benefits etc so that’s all done. I am 50.

1. I have no lawyer. I have no family to ask for financial support at all and no access to any resources. I can’t get a loan as I’ve not worked long enough and am not entitled to legal aid. I can’t find any lawyer who will represent me and be paid later from any equity. I know I may get legal aid for mediation but that’s all I might get.

1. I am very worried that my husband will force me to leave the house once the divorce is finalised. The property is in his name only. I cannot afford to run this house or pay the mortgage which alone is almost more than my wages!

We are currently on a debt management plan after he got us 60k into debt and didn’t tell me. He has only a pension of around 5k and a work pension. There is little equity and took out a secured loan of £35k a few years ago.

He has stated that he wants the house to be sold only once all the children are 18, which is in 3 years as they need a home and to finish their secondary education. But not told me I can stay here until that time.

I believe he might try to return to the house and live here with my children ( and even try to bring in his new girlfriend) while forcing me to vacate and basically be homeless as I can’t afford the bills. We have cats and one he is very fond if so he won’t want to be away from the pets either long term.

My job prospects are not good due to my years caring for the kids, my health and I have no savings or family support.

I literally have nothing or any assets in the house to sell. My wages only pay at the moment towards food, some things for the children plus my own costs such as dentist/ opticians and travel to work.

My concern is that without a lawyer, I cannot get any support at all and I might end up homeless. My husband is very much caught up in this affair, is younger than me and wants now to be free.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I have looked at seeing if I can apply for him to pay a solicitor’s fees - LMPS I think it’s called but I don’t know how to go about it. He is a high earner.

I am sorry to ask so much on this forum but if anyone has any ideas on what I can do legally to protect myself, please say. I know people say that I must get a lawyer- well I just don’t have any resources to.

They charge hundreds per hour and to open a file costs upwards of £500 even as a start.

It might be catastrophing the situation a little but I am very worried. My husband used to be a lovely man but has now got a big job, a big ego and has truly become so hostile towards me, I am stunned.

I would never have guessed that he could have done all he has to me these past two years. If I had known, I would never have married him.

You need to tell his family the truth about the debt, the STI and the effects on you & the children.

Thank you so much magic for your comforting thoughts.

My two daughter’s have told my sister in law what he’s done to as they get on well with her and are both extremely angry.

She had been told it was mostly my fault by my ex and his parents- that he left because we argued too much.

They told her about all of what he’s done and in particular his cheating, his two year affair and wanting to be with another woman which has meant he’s moved out and started divorce proceedings.

They said she was speechless! She didn’t know what to say. I don’t think it’s fair to involve her in any way though and it was their choice to tell her. I’ve not heard from her but she told them she is very shocked.

I think my in laws are pretty much ignorant of what he’s done and will still blame me anyway. He’s very much their precious son and they have never questioned his actions on anything to my knowledge! Even the huge debts and not telling me they didn’t admonish him!

He has brought total chaos to our lives, yes. I think he is very immature for acting this way. I understand he might be unhappy but there are easier ways to separate or co parent satisfactorily before a final divorce.

I think my in laws will find out at some point. But they will blame me and perhaps think had I “serviced” their son more in bed, he might not have used sex workers. They are very old fashioned and it’s easier to blame me I suppose .

I became a stay at home parent as I had 3 children very close together and couldn’t afford childcare for 3. If made financial sense to stay at home, especially as back in the noughties there were less childcare options and only 6 months maternity leave.

I suppose I just fell into remaining at home as I was the one who did all the childcare and ran the home. I was very tired with 3 small children and just focused on their upbringing.

I did want to go back to work but my health has not been not easy to manage so it all became routine, especially as my ex DH
had a pressured job in London.

Posting isn’t easy but the support is fab and so helpful. I took a risk being a stay at home parent and lost. I have tried my best for my family and my kids all support me.

I did email them in January with a very brief overview about the trauma he’s caused without too much personal detail.

He told me they saw my email but won’t read it in case they find I’m being unpleasant and stare they don’t want to get involved. Yet they have involved themselves by contacting my mother and using expensive solicits when I have no money to fight.

They refuse to engage at all. Considering they have known me 20 years and have always been polite abc friendly, it’s very upsetting for me. I feel incredibly hurt.

They know about the debt as they bailed him out on 3 occasions and spent a fortune protecting and helping him stay afloat. To the tube of 100k at least I’d say over the years. I didn’t know though and always just used the money we had on the joint account for the kids/ house.

Sorry-my typos are bad! Tune- not tube!

OP - just keep hanging in there!

I had to spend 2 years in the same home as my nasty ex, under very similar circumstances- until the finances were settled.

He also cheated & was a compulsive liar with mental health issues.

His parents also supported him in his poor treatment of me, with large sums of money. I suspect he told them a load of shit & lies about me.

Good riddance to him. I am now in my own place with the kids, so much happier & am so glad he is out my life.

Why is your 15 year old daughter discussing her father’s affair with her aunt? Please stop with his family too - they are his family and they will support him no matter what you say. What is it you want them to do? He wants to get divorced and even if his family don’t pay the bills that won’t help you. It sounds like his family have bailed you out over the years but they’re his parents- no way are they going to take your side.

He wants to be with someone else. I understand that’s painful but you need to be a parent and stop involving your kids in their dads affair!

Large Prosecco- yes I wouldn’t be surprised if he returned to live here at some point !

I am not sure though and my worth is that if he comes back he’ll start bullying me again. I am still only just managing plus I go back work Tuesday and have to smile and be happy in front of everyone and children.

I don’t like being alone in the house, it’s very strange and I wake in the night shaking, but I hate the psychological attacks he does when he’s here, the stonewalling plus his refusal to accept any responsibility for his actions.

I do have billions and billions of evidence though of all he has done so his in-laws will find out at some point.

I’m still in shock after a few months! I still
Can’t believe he’s actually leave his children when he was so devoted. It all seems so unreal. He appears not to care.

We are just fit to throw away and be replaced by a trendy flat, a fast car and a new woman who has certainly not proven she loves him in any way.

On form E there's a section for your needs. Put down a car! Well done on learning to drive 💪👏

Village- it is my daughter’s choice and her older sister’s. They know he has left and why are are very angry.

My youngest has a voice and told my sister in law without my knowledge or promoting. It is her father who involved us in his affair by leaving, not me.

I don’t want his parents to take my side or expect that. His mother contacted mine without my consent. I’m extremely angry as it’s not her place. They interfere in my family not me. I’m entitled to defend myself against my husband’s lies, which I can prove.

My children are old enough to discuss the matter if they wish as they know their aunt well. I cannot hide what’s happened. They are all young adults, not 10 years old.

I came on here for legal advice, not to be told off.

I am, hopefully a good and responsible parent thank you. I have taken on the burden of raising and educating them and gave up my career while my immature husband partied in London and in Spain.

My children are all happy and successful. You don’t know me.

Please reserve your judgements for others on mumsnet.

His family have not bailed me out! That’s ridiculous. I did not know about his debts!

Little orange flowers- yes I will! Thank you for the suggestion.

Did you say he has a work pension as well as a small private pension? How long has he been paying into the work pension if so?

Be rational there is a lot of white noise here.
You must stay calm for your kids’ sake!
You’ve had some good advice so far.
Forget worrying about his family, whatever he’s done etc. None of this makes a difference to your future in terms of finances

Why do you want his parents to know what he’s done? It won’t affect the outcome

You’ve two under 18s so he will have to provide his share for them end of.
You have a job.
Presumably he’s paying the mortgage as it’s in his name
He’s not planning to sell for at least 3 years.
Divorce means division of assets - you will get a share and you have 3 years to think about what you’d like to do.
How would he boot you out?! Unrealistic.
Why would this woman want to move in? Presumably she has her own place. What woman would relish moving into a falling-apart house in presumably a new area with 3 teenage kids she has never met?? I can’t see that happening

Op, I'm very sorry for what you are going through.

Others have made some excellent suggestions

I mean this helpfully, I recommend you try and stop yourself thinking about what you thought he was, what he should be doing and what his family 'should' be doing. If you look at the history you have described he was not a perfect husband and he's obviously been deceitful and dishonest as well as poor at financial management for many years.

You sound quite passive in some of your posts, I suspect this is the result of living with a man like him for 20 years. He's not going to act in your best interests (and probably never did from the sound of his past financial decisions and behaviour). If you can accept this then it will stop being a shock to you. Nor are his family, even his sister.

As others have said, look at working from home and build a new career. A TA role is really not going to support your future and you don't need school hours. Look at moving house to Ashford. Apply for everything. Don't believe what he says about anything including his pension situation. He's dishonest.

As others have said, you have time on your hands so do your own research: solicitors are not always that thorough anyway so know your stuff.

And 50 is not old. Life starts now and you can make a bettor future for you and the children.

Sorry this has happened to you

Thank you cocktail club and Jones for your supportive thoughts and advice.

Once the house is sold, I’m going to move area to somewhere with cheaper housing for a fresh start, probably up in the north where I spent some time in my 20’s and have distant family. I want to explore it much more.

I don’t want to stay in Kent at all. There is not much here for me really and it’s very expensive. It’s very spread out and I want to be in a big city.

I’ve had some wonderful advice here and am so incredibly grateful to everyone. I will apply for absolutely everything and get myself together slowly each day and be strong for my children.

I could do some work from home but I would rather have a job meeting people at the moment, as I’m quite isolated here. But maybe do wfh at weekends to get some extra money.

Yes, he never acted in my best interests- he’s always been immature and basically has ignored me for quite a few years now. He would rarely take me out - I was lucky if I got a coffee out of him!

He always focused on his rock band or mining for crypto currency which he’s totally obsessed with. He would just go from the dinner table back to the computer and ignore me every night so I did other things. He works hard at his job but I was never in the frame.

He’s been paying into his pension for about 5 years although stopped contributions a number of years to consolidate debt.

His new company now take it at source I think. His private pension is only 5k. I saw it in his bag and took a screenshot. He has never told me about it though.

I’ll do a lot this coming week! Happy Easter Monday everyone. You’ve all given me so much strength.

The bottom line is that you have just over £100k in equity and possibly a work pension to share. You can ask for more equity but even all of it isn’t going far. The way work pension most likely split 50:50 as there isn’t anything left to negotiate with given the debt.

How the debt is settled needs more information. Is it joint debt? Did it accrue as part of family life and expenses or did he accrue most or all of it as a separate activity (hobby, gambling or addiction). If the later you can argue it is solely his debt. However if it was for holidays, family lifestyle and living expenses then it will be divided.

If you have a DMP in both names then your credit ratings are shot. It’s doubtful either of you will get a mortgage in the near future.

Practically if the debt is a joint, you are both better off reaching a settlement with your lenders to clear it. That means selling the house and using the equity Then you can start to rebuild your finances. But that will be as separate people. A settlement is going to be less than £60k.

A consent order can settle the issue of spousal or leave it open. You may be better off with UC and cms until the children reach 18. But unless you have a decent paid job after that your finances are going to be tight. Renting will be expensive and UC without children minimal.

If he is offering to house the children until they are 18 then it’s worth considering that. They presumably want to live with you so that offer needs to include you.

I get you are angry, scared and hurt. But will lobbing truth bombs at his family help? He is shameless and doesn’t care. You are not hurting him. But if you are dealing with the damage from those bombs (and it will happen) you are not sorting out your financial future.

You are single now, that’s all down to you. Being distracted over a war of words with his family isn’t going to help. Same applies to your kids. They will start adult life without the financial security you hoped for. But it sounds like that was never there anyway.

Your children are children op. Please let them be children and stop involving them in trying to get one over between you and your ex. Ultimately the best thing for them (and I speak as a child of divorce whose father had an affair) is for the adults to be adults and to separate in the least harmful way. Encourage your children to spend time with their father and be as civil to him in front of them as possible. Also they should have a good relationship with their aunts and grandparents.

You say that his parents paid off “his” debts repeatedly and gave him money. You also say that you never really earned any money and have been married for 20 years. So obviously his parents money has been benefitting you as well.

In any event, I understand it’s painful but your marriage is over. There’s no point really trying to prove it’s his fault especially to his family. Separate as amicably as possible and move on with your lives for the sake of the children (and your own).

As @LemonTT says, on the information you have given you will not be able to keep the house. There is probably about £100k at most to divide and unlikely that even if you get all of it you will be able to buy anything else due to your low income. You should be aware then that anything above the Uc savings threshold will just mean you don’t get benefits so may be best for kids to let him have the house.

As I said, if you move into rented you should get help with rent. You can make a more positive independent future for yourself. Good luck

Interesting that he is obsessed with crypto currency. This can be included in full financial disclosure which you both will need to do.

Re involvement of children with the aunt. Children who are older have their own minds and will likely talk to and say what they like. Sometimes it's necessary to expose untruths to family as they have done. I wouldn't sweat it. It doesn't sound vlike you've put them up to it. Anyway, lies thrive in secrecy and it can be a good thing for the truth to hit the air. OP I wouldn't sweat it

I don't think OP has involved her children.

They are not young. They will be perceptive and be able to piece together the events and have their own opinions.

They will judge their father for his actions and they have the right to discuss what has happened to them.

@AskingforaBaskin her posts do not show the children “piecing together” things at all though. Quite the opposite. There is certainly something concerning about ops pleasure at how “shocked” the childrens aunt was after her 15 year old had discussed their father’s alleged transgressions (including apparently prostitutes and vd). I would be deeply disturbed if that were my child.

Hi @Delilahsflowers you said ‘ The PiP- I’ll do it! You’ve all encouraged me to try so I will. I can appeal and see how it goes. It can’t hurt and may really help . I can prove my medical issue so they can only say no. I’ll see if I can get help with the form. I may as well give it go and I do struggle with my health- I’m trying to lie. ’

Please get some help from a disability support agency who are used to completing a PIP form as there is an art to answering the questions - giving examples of the four criteria each & every time - as required to acquire the points to pass the qualifying threshold. I’ve passed exam questions with greater ease. There are some good posts about PIP here on Mumsnet, well worth a read.

Maybe to you.
And good. I'm glad Op was happy.
There is nothing wrong with being happy some cretin is getting what they deserve.

@Villagewaspbyke are you just here to make op feel worse? I don’t know if you think constantly repeating the same thing in hysterical “won’t someone think of the children” type tones is beneficial to the OP but it’s really not . She has asked you to drop it, so drop it.

If the debt is in his name, then it is he alone who is responsible for repayment of that debt. It is a contract solely between the lender & borrower.

What the money is used for is not the point.
The lender is only interested in repayment.

A settlement won’t leave op with all the assets and her ex with 100% of debts