My husband is divorcing me. No lawyer, can he make me homeless after final order?

[Delilahsflowers]

Hi there everyone,

My situation is not good and I feel very vulnerable. Any advice I would really appreciate. I am so scared about my future and don’t know what to do. Apologies that my post is long!

My husband of nearly 20 years has applied for divorce this week. Over the last two or three years, he has changed and now broken every marital vow- even giving me a nasty STI that I’ll have for life after using prostitutes. He went on Tinder as well. He has bullied me in many ways, although not physically.

He has also been having an affair for two years I believe and is currently in this relationship after walking out on me and my children at Christmas. I believe it was all planned for months. He bought gifts for this woman in front of my face while lying about who they were for. I found a ‘grab bag’ by his desk for him to stay with her with the gift in. He encouraged her move to London from Glasgow which she has.

He has now issued divorce proceedings via a solicitor this week. He has removed his name from the council tax but says he will still pay it. He is living with his parents but seeing this woman when he works in London during the week.

I have been a full - time mum for many years looking after my 3 children. I also need major abdominal surgery and am only well enough to work part- time. I have now been referred for surgery but it could take months to get my operation as it’s complex.

I do have a job at the moment, but find it stressful and also not right for me, so need to find an alternative. I only started it in November and he left the following month. My health means I am quite weak and I only just manage with my condition. Although my children ( all teenagers) are helping, I’m coping alone in a house that needs constant maintenance.

I am very concerned about 2 things and am at a loss as to what to do now. I have filled in my home rights, benefits etc so that’s all done. I am 50.

1. I have no lawyer. I have no family to ask for financial support at all and no access to any resources. I can’t get a loan as I’ve not worked long enough and am not entitled to legal aid. I can’t find any lawyer who will represent me and be paid later from any equity. I know I may get legal aid for mediation but that’s all I might get.

1. I am very worried that my husband will force me to leave the house once the divorce is finalised. The property is in his name only. I cannot afford to run this house or pay the mortgage which alone is almost more than my wages!

We are currently on a debt management plan after he got us 60k into debt and didn’t tell me. He has only a pension of around 5k and a work pension. There is little equity and took out a secured loan of £35k a few years ago.

He has stated that he wants the house to be sold only once all the children are 18, which is in 3 years as they need a home and to finish their secondary education. But not told me I can stay here until that time.

I believe he might try to return to the house and live here with my children ( and even try to bring in his new girlfriend) while forcing me to vacate and basically be homeless as I can’t afford the bills. We have cats and one he is very fond if so he won’t want to be away from the pets either long term.

My job prospects are not good due to my years caring for the kids, my health and I have no savings or family support.

I literally have nothing or any assets in the house to sell. My wages only pay at the moment towards food, some things for the children plus my own costs such as dentist/ opticians and travel to work.

My concern is that without a lawyer, I cannot get any support at all and I might end up homeless. My husband is very much caught up in this affair, is younger than me and wants now to be free.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I have looked at seeing if I can apply for him to pay a solicitor’s fees - LMPS I think it’s called but I don’t know how to go about it. He is a high earner.

I am sorry to ask so much on this forum but if anyone has any ideas on what I can do legally to protect myself, please say. I know people say that I must get a lawyer- well I just don’t have any resources to.

They charge hundreds per hour and to open a file costs upwards of £500 even as a start.

It might be catastrophing the situation a little but I am very worried. My husband used to be a lovely man but has now got a big job, a big ego and has truly become so hostile towards me, I am stunned.

I would never have guessed that he could have done all he has to me these past two years. If I had known, I would never have married him.

He won’t get 350k. 320 more likely.

The house still needs much renovation. He bought it 8 years ago and I didn’t like the house at all but made the best of it. It was a 1960’s shambles! It needed thousands spent on it.

I physically can’t do much. But I have painted and decorated the rooms over time. My husband originally wanted to put in a new bathroom, new kitchen and do the garden up.

He has not done any of these things. The bathroom is still 1960’s blue original suite, garden a complete mess. I mean a complete mess.

Last year, I did some temporary work and gave him £1000 to do a kitchen make - over.
We had a new cooker and sink in the garage that had been there for 3 years.

He ignored the money I gave him and refused to help me do up the kitchen. He just wasn’t enthusiastic at all. Said he was too busy with his new job. In the end, the money was used elsewhere for bills/ children.

I didn’t know then, but do now it’s because he was likely planning to leave and so involved with this woman, he couldn’t be bothered to focus on the house.

Anyone buying the property will have spend a huge amount on it.

Wild blue and ditsy- thank you yes, I’ll look up the criteria. Getting out of bed hurts me when I crunch my abdomen and hernia so I’ll check it out.

I agree that I need a financial assessment and advice. I might look into it. I will see if I can afford some financial advice and how much they charge.

Ok, big note about solicitor letters: Take them with a pinch of salt, they are not official, they do not have a bearing in court, they do not necessarily represent the views the court would take. They are just letters your ex paid the solicitor for to be sent to you.

You need to find your own valuation, call 3 estate agents and tell them you want a bricks and mortar valuation for a quick sale due to divorce, then average the amount. Needless to say that the lower the house is valued the higher the likelihood you will get a higher percentage considering the disparity in income.

Your ex has to complete a full disclosure of assets and income and you too. The courts will want to see that as they have children to consider unless you agree to what your ex is suggesting so do not agree to ANYTHING just because he says so.

Be prepared to check everything he presents with a magnifying glass, my ex tried to convince the court his groceries were nearly £2000 a month, he also tried to get me to pay half of his debt because he put it in his credit card while we were still divorcing, a good part of this debt was for holidays abroad with his girlfriend. The judge told him where to go but I still think I was very lucky to be able to demonstrate that debt was not mine at all!

@Delilahsflowers… one question given his high income, is he employed or does he has his own company?

You may well be entitled to legal aid. Depends on saving and income. You should be claiming UC and PIP at least until your operation and recuperation is complete. Then you would be reassessed. If he isn't paying child support you may get child tax credit or equivalent til the child support people get up to date. It sounds as though he has done an excellent job of destroying your confidence and self esteem. No one listening to your story could say he has been anything other than unreasonable , abusive and hyper critical of you in spite of the support you have provided over the years. He doesn't get to call the shots and get everything his own way. Chin up and try to fight back the best you can 💐

So if he's earning £90k plus then you are entitled to child maintenance for the younger 2 and also the eldest if they are currently in sixth form until end August. So you can claim 19% of his post pension salary - on a straight £90k with a 12% pension you are entitled to about £1250 a month until eldest finishes school then £1050 for just the 2 kids. Get that claim in as he will be in arrears from the date you claim.

You can claim child benefit. (He will have to repay through tax return). That will be another £220 a month. (Reduces to £155 in Sept).

You will be entitled to universal credit on a low wage. You won't get the housing element because you don't pay rent but it will still be a significant sum. Get onto the entitledto calculator with your wages. Again the claim starts from the day you get the form in which you can do online tonight.

That should help sort some finances.

Then find a lawyer. Insist on full disclosure on form E (all his finances including a valuation on his pension funds). He presumably has a crap track record with money given he is bankrupt so it will be interesting what a judge makes of it all.

The thing you have to do now is hold your cool. Make the claims you need to make to improve your finances and then leave him to it. Concentrate on getting your kids through their exams and then regroup in the summer.

As I read this what occurs to me is:

1 Nobody has yet advised you to review your outgoings and reduce them as much as possible. This can be either by reducing usage - which may also need to be discussed with dc I don't believe in sheltering dc I raised dd as a single mum on a low income and frankly it was necessary for her to know that I couldn't afford all she desired! Or it can be by switching companies where possible (v difficult with energy companies at the moment I know but there are other ways to do this) also if you haven't already cancel anything that your pig of a husband was the only person to benefit from or ensure he's paying for it!

2 you seem to not understand how pip works and would I think REALLY benefit from an experts help to make a claim there. It's not just for "the disabled" I get it mainly due to mental health conditions but also a physical condition which is as yet not fully diagnosed and I can walk - it just bloody hurts! And I limp! I live alone and also "manage" but I have to pace myself and what I do on a daily basis is very much dependent on if it's a "good" or a "bad" day and even "good" days I can't do what others my age can.

Honestly it is IMPOSSIBLE to objectively assess yourself I made a complete hash of it trying to do it myself! Learnt the hard way that an objective party needs to help you fill in the forms - and most initial claims are rejected anyway just cos govt/dwp are bastards frankly!

3 why on earth are you not going through cms? I strongly suspect he is supposed to be paying - even considering cms is a minimum amount - a lot more than he is now!

STOP letting him mess with your head and not act in your own best interests!

Ime cab aren't the best esp with benefits stuff. I've found welfare rights advisers based in local councils to be MUCH better! The one I have at the moment doesn't even mind answering panicky texts on bank holidays bless her!

STOP taking this all lying down basically - find your anger! It's in there somewhere!

not the questions they ask on the form which are pretty much designed to trip you up.

Damn straight!

Ime with family court the judges aren't daft! They see through all the usual tricks and ruses and actually your NOT having a solicitor may work in your favour as some judges many in fact take that as you correctly being at a disadvantage - they KNOW the local law firms and if your ex has hired a super expensive shark then actually that may go against him - he can't do that AND plead poverty!

Graphista

I’ll check the welfare advisors for local councils- I didn’t know there were any- just thought it was CAB! That’s a great tip- thank you :)

Yes, I have decided to use the child maintenance service now so I’ll apply through that now and hopefully get a better deal.

The PiP- I’ll do it! You’ve all encouraged me to try so I will. I can appeal and see how it goes. It can’t hurt and may really help . I can prove my medical issue so they can only say no. I’ll see if I can get help with the form. I may as well give it go and I do struggle with my health- I’m trying to lie.

The solicitors he is using are quite good apparently - his parents are paying. Just as they have been paying off his debts! If I had known about all his debts, I would have budgeted and helped him, but he didn’t tell me.

Just relies on them to bail him out every time. I wonder how many times he’ll do this before they stop and realise he’s irresponsible with money?!

Not try to lie I mean!

Ykwal and Little owl- wow! You have both given me such a boost! Thank you!

I’ll fill in absolutely all your recommended forms and try to find a lawyer via the channels everyone has provided here.

My confidence is low. I’m dreading going back to work on Tuesday ( I’m a Teaching Assistant) as I have to smile and cope in front of the children.I find that very hard at the moment.

My confidence is low. I feel isolated and trapped where I live as well. My town is small and quiet plus not having a car doesn’t help.

I’ll try to be strong for my children. They have been a huge comfort to me and are very angry with my husband for his actions. But they obviously still love him, so I won’t stop them seeing him when they choose.

I am just still in shock that he’s truly left me (and by default the kids) for this woman. She must have an incredible hold over him. I did everything I could to stop him leaving and it’s not worked.

I’m the meantime, I’ll follow the amazing advice I’ve had here and the support! You’ve all been absolutely fantastic.

@WildBlueAndDitzy it’s one thing discussing university costs with dc, it’s another discussing bills with school children. My mother was always bringing up bills and money when I was a child. It’s not appropriate. Children shouldn’t be made to worry about such things.

Oh and make sure the kids schools know the situation. There isn't alot of leeway in public exams but there can be a mark or two which crosses a grade boundary given for extenuating circumstances!

[quote Villagewaspbyke]@WildBlueAndDitzy it’s one thing discussing university costs with dc, it’s another discussing bills with school children. My mother was always bringing up bills and money when I was a child. It’s not appropriate. Children shouldn’t be made to worry about such things.[/quote]
I don't share your opinion. The need to know not to waste money OP doesn't have. I don't think thats unreasonable. Also don't think it's unreasonable expecting an adult ie 18 or over to pay their way if their parent can't support them. Its just life. I don't expect you to agree you've made it clear you don't but I won't be changing my opinion on this.

@WildBlueAndDitzy - op said she “would discuss bills with her dcs especially the oldest one”. They are all children under 18 at school. It’s not about an adult “wasting money”. That’s about worrying a child about things they shouldn’t worry about.

Villagewasp- My eldest is 18. She is finishing her A Levels this term.

The children all know of the situation obviously. I’ve told them that things will change financially and we have to be more careful about how much we spend. At 15 and 16 and 18 they understand that.

But I’m not trying to burden them with it all as I want them to focus on their upcoming exams next term.

I was so sorry to read this. You are in a stronger position than you currently think but you need to get this case to court.

No-one has mentioned McKenzies friends who are basically people who are legally trained (often retired) but give their time for free or at a low cost to help people such as yourself.

www.mckenziefriends.directory/what%20is%20a%20mckenzie%20friend.html

Cordelia- I appreciate your kind words and the link.

I will contact them using the link. I have not heard of this organisation before, so many thanks.

Yes I feel weak at the moment- every day I try to push through .

It’s my kids I am devastated for. I know they are older now but two have final years exams and my youngest is very close to my husband.

I am getting strength knowing I’m not alone. So many women seem to have husbands who do this; have a mid -life crisis and then they’re off out the door leaving a distraught wife and children behind.

After 2 years, 20 or 30 years- men can just walk away with no social consequences.

After 2 years, 20 or 30 years- men can just walk away with no social consequences

Yes, this is so very common. They walk away leaving the responsibility of the children to the mother. Long term their children will see their selfishness and it does affect their relationship with the children. Your Ex will just be thinking of himself

@Delilahsflowers I would try to shield the children from any issues regarding your financial situation as much as possible. I don’t mean affording treats, I mean don’t worry them about essential household bills. That’s your responsibility and nothing they can do about it.

As I say my mother was always going on about how we couldn’t survive when I was a child. It was awful.

Also please try to be as positive as you can be about your ex to the kids. It’s hard I know (I am a single mum to two dds) but my parents toxic attitude to each other was awful.

The children should still see him and have a relationship- he Is their dad and your break up doesn’t change that. Please do what you can to encourage that.

I have not interfered with my children’s relationship with their father. I have already stated that twice.

My children are old enough to decide when they see him. We don’t and won’t need any custody arrangements. In 3 years they will all be 18 so then seeing him isn’t any issue.

Don't leave the house
Stop thinking of it as his it's a marital asset and the childrens home
Court number one priority is the stability of children
Ask him to fill in form E
You do it too
Apply to court for form A financial remedy
Don't let him move back in
Get him to provide you with pension cetv
Lower bills as much as possible
Council tax single person reduction
Research legal process
Learn about finance matters
Apply to CMS
Apply for UC
Look after yourself
You can do this. It might b the making of you x

Start playing hardball
Read chumplady.com
These things take forever he can't kick you out
You can always just stay put and let him apply to the court and then tell them all about it lol! That way he shoulders the court app cost and you can represent yourself

@Delilahsflowers that’s great that you haven’t interfered with the relationship. I try to encourage my ex’s relationship with my dds and his wider family for their sake (and because I know the effect my parents had on me). The children absolutely should not take sides and if they try to please tell them not to.

It seems that there’s about 100k net equity in the property but no pensions or other assets? Is that correct?

I wouldn’t worry about it just now - see how long you can stay in the house and get him to fill in the form e. In the longer term though I think you will need to move to rented if you want to stay in the area unless you can increase your earnings substantially. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing- will mean someone else is responsible for maintenance and upkeep and you can get help with rent usually.