My husband is divorcing me. No lawyer, can he make me homeless after final order?

[Delilahsflowers]

Hi there everyone,

My situation is not good and I feel very vulnerable. Any advice I would really appreciate. I am so scared about my future and don’t know what to do. Apologies that my post is long!

My husband of nearly 20 years has applied for divorce this week. Over the last two or three years, he has changed and now broken every marital vow- even giving me a nasty STI that I’ll have for life after using prostitutes. He went on Tinder as well. He has bullied me in many ways, although not physically.

He has also been having an affair for two years I believe and is currently in this relationship after walking out on me and my children at Christmas. I believe it was all planned for months. He bought gifts for this woman in front of my face while lying about who they were for. I found a ‘grab bag’ by his desk for him to stay with her with the gift in. He encouraged her move to London from Glasgow which she has.

He has now issued divorce proceedings via a solicitor this week. He has removed his name from the council tax but says he will still pay it. He is living with his parents but seeing this woman when he works in London during the week.

I have been a full - time mum for many years looking after my 3 children. I also need major abdominal surgery and am only well enough to work part- time. I have now been referred for surgery but it could take months to get my operation as it’s complex.

I do have a job at the moment, but find it stressful and also not right for me, so need to find an alternative. I only started it in November and he left the following month. My health means I am quite weak and I only just manage with my condition. Although my children ( all teenagers) are helping, I’m coping alone in a house that needs constant maintenance.

I am very concerned about 2 things and am at a loss as to what to do now. I have filled in my home rights, benefits etc so that’s all done. I am 50.

1. I have no lawyer. I have no family to ask for financial support at all and no access to any resources. I can’t get a loan as I’ve not worked long enough and am not entitled to legal aid. I can’t find any lawyer who will represent me and be paid later from any equity. I know I may get legal aid for mediation but that’s all I might get.

1. I am very worried that my husband will force me to leave the house once the divorce is finalised. The property is in his name only. I cannot afford to run this house or pay the mortgage which alone is almost more than my wages!

We are currently on a debt management plan after he got us 60k into debt and didn’t tell me. He has only a pension of around 5k and a work pension. There is little equity and took out a secured loan of £35k a few years ago.

He has stated that he wants the house to be sold only once all the children are 18, which is in 3 years as they need a home and to finish their secondary education. But not told me I can stay here until that time.

I believe he might try to return to the house and live here with my children ( and even try to bring in his new girlfriend) while forcing me to vacate and basically be homeless as I can’t afford the bills. We have cats and one he is very fond if so he won’t want to be away from the pets either long term.

My job prospects are not good due to my years caring for the kids, my health and I have no savings or family support.

I literally have nothing or any assets in the house to sell. My wages only pay at the moment towards food, some things for the children plus my own costs such as dentist/ opticians and travel to work.

My concern is that without a lawyer, I cannot get any support at all and I might end up homeless. My husband is very much caught up in this affair, is younger than me and wants now to be free.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I have looked at seeing if I can apply for him to pay a solicitor’s fees - LMPS I think it’s called but I don’t know how to go about it. He is a high earner.

I am sorry to ask so much on this forum but if anyone has any ideas on what I can do legally to protect myself, please say. I know people say that I must get a lawyer- well I just don’t have any resources to.

They charge hundreds per hour and to open a file costs upwards of £500 even as a start.

It might be catastrophing the situation a little but I am very worried. My husband used to be a lovely man but has now got a big job, a big ego and has truly become so hostile towards me, I am stunned.

I would never have guessed that he could have done all he has to me these past two years. If I had known, I would never have married him.

@Delilahsflowers - assuming all your dcs are still at school please don’t put bills on them. They are not liable to pay. Apply for benefits abs if you can’t afford the house you need to move to rented and sell up or let your ex have the house. Please don’t worry your kids.

If eldest goes to Uni you will still get the 25% reduction in your council tax
I have just been told I will need to provide the proof in September when she switches from School to Uni

Yes, my husband has become a man I don’t recognise. He is a bit younger than me but always a great dad and family man for all of these years.

I have no real explanation for his deceitful and very hurtful behaviour over these past two years.

He just started to change and hide everything he was doing; finances, sexual behaviour, the affair. I realised after a while things were very wrong. He made me really unwell with HSV2 as well. He even looks different; his face somehow pinched and unkind. My daughter said so too.

I had a fairly good relationship with my in laws too which is now over. They are paying for an expensive solicitor when they know I have nothing and no family. They have agree he can stay as long as he likes and haven’t encouraged him to come back to his family which I thought might happens as he’s very much a mummy’s boy.

Uggypow- thank you . I will tell the council tax office if she does move.

I will apply for UC yes. I’ll get it going even if it takes ages.

You need a lawyer. Ring round every family lawyer within a reasonable distance of you and ask for an initial conversation. You can use the Law Society website to find someone with family/divorce as a speciality.

I have tried the lawyers in my area.

They all want at least £1000 to open a file and don’t offer any loans to pay back fees through a scheme.

UC has been a bit better since Covid so shouldn’t take too long. Please don’t put any of this on your dcs though. With UC, child maintenance and your job you should be able to meet your basic needs.

if you are unwell enough to work full time, it might be that there are benefits - have a look at Pip. It is a nightmare to claim and many people are rejected the first time only to win on appeal. The Citizens Advice would help you make a claim if they believe you are eligible. You could also see if a charity with a focus on your condition exists and whether there is any help with making an application there. Similarly, Facebook groups based on your condition may also be helpful.

You may find wikivorce.com helpful for further advice.

I have used Wikivorce a couple of times so I’ll go back to them next week and CAB.

I wouldn’t get PIP no sadly. I am not disabled. I have a painful abdominal muscle condition plus a hernia which causes me a lot of discomfort and I have to wear a support. So my physical condition is limited if that makes sense but I’m so bad I can’t look after myself and the children.

My surgery is going to be a difficult one to get through and my husband had just left me to it and I’ll have to cope alone.

Sorry- “not so bad” I mean!

The situation for your eldest and university funding isn't as bleak as @WildBlueAndDitzy is stating. Hold off on talking to dc until you've checked it out properly.
A few years ago the full maintenance (for living in London) loan was nearly £1200 a month, and full tuition fees were also loaned as my income was below about £26,000pa. The maintenance loan is less outside of London, but still very doable. My daughter didn't work as she was in Uni all day every day, but managed well on that. She only needed a bit of financial help at the end of the first term, and never asked again throughout the three years. Her uni also automatically gave her an additional grant each year of about £1250 pa payable in the second term
If you dc gets a holiday job and possibly a term time job if she has the time, she'll be absolutely fine.
Don't worry her right now as she probably has more than enough on her plate.
Your husband sounds a shit. You will get through this though. Good luck.

Just jumped ahead to say great post @TheBigDilemma.

Note the points about ONLY using the solicitor for essential legal work as the meter is ticking every moment work is done on your case. Do as much as you can yourself, you’ll have greater control over the speed that mundane things are done & you’ll save money.

Debts in his name are his, he’ll have to work very hard to have those debts taken into consideration during the financial stage of the divorce - it is not a given that any personal debt is offset against the marital assets.

He has walked out in you & your marriage - no coincidence in the week after the change in divorce law. However, he is not that smart as not that much has changed & he has over estimated his cards.

“ WildBlueAndDitzy
Delilahsflowers
My 18 yr old is going to Uni either here or in London. My husband has said that she can apply for a higher grant to help her as he’s moved out.
This 18yr old is going to need a job part time and pick up extra hours in holidays, as a minimum.

Sit them down and have a chat about how you can't afford to support them. If you're renting a house with an extra room for this child they're going to have to contribute towards your rent as well as bills and food. They need to understand the situation you're in before they start taking out loans for uni. Children take parental support for granted and won't understand all the costs involved. An additional adult over 18 costs you in council tax too, with only one adult and under 18 you can get 25 percent discount, so this is another cost the 18yr old will have to contribute to. Going to uni may not be their best option. They deserve the right to make an informed choice, knowing all the facts”

I think there are some very wrong assumptions about student finance in this post:

1. since you are part time, I am assuming you are earning less than £25k a year. Since students loans are calculated on household income (only yours as this time) your DD will get all her tuition fees, probably the full maintenance loan, an extra amount paid for studying away from home and in London plus will be very likely to qualify for Access fund grants (non repayable) that can range from £1 to £5k a year depending on the university she is choosing.

She may need to work if her accommodation is expensive but then many students do. Now, if she has not applied for the loan as yet, make sure she does ASAP as the last thing you want is for the loan to be delayed if she applied in May or later and then finding herself in hardship during the first months at uni.

OP, if you have not done so already, contact the council to get the 25% discount you will get for being the only adult in the household. This discount still applies if your children are over 18 provided they are away at university or if they don’t, until the first of September after they complete their A levels.

For PIP assessment, you said ‘ So my physical condition is limited if that makes sense but I’m so bad I can’t look after myself and the children. ’

So do you have help with anything?
Does it take you longer to get things done?

Completing a PIP form takes skill & courage to answer each question in full. Although you say that you are not disabled, yet you describe a long standing health condition where you need help or support with to live independently. I suggest that you ask the local CAB if there is a local disability support/rights/advocacy service to help you make a claim.

Did you complete the PIP form from the perspective of you on your worst day?

Could you work from home desk based for more hours? Lots of companies are looking for wfh admin/data staff.

You should be entitled to around £300 per child that is still in education upto the age of 18 in benefits and you will also be entitled to housing benefit which where I live is £451 for a two bedroom property as you would need more rooms it will be more if you make a claim now for universal credit you will be able to get an advance which could cover a payment for your solicitor fees, hope this helps

@Delilahsflowers

The car is in his name and I don’t drive at the moment although I’m learning .

My concern is that he will force me to leave and live without my children. I can’t possibly afford to rent nearby so I’ll have to leave the area completely. I’ve always been the full time carer.

But they are old enough to chose where to live .

You need a full financial assesment .

Are you sure you know how much the house is worth ?

If he wants to live there eventually he may have to pay you for your share . Are you sure he does not have a hidden pension?

My husband walked out on 30th December during the Christmas holidays. He did return but only intermittently for a weekend of a few days. He was just biding his time until the no fault came in.

He’s now left permanently.

I’ll speak to the CAB about my health. I don’t think I’ll get anything as I can work and walk but I’m in pain and my condition is not easy to manage- that’s why I need possibly a part- time option. I can’t lift or do sports or heavy work. By the end of every day I’m in real discomfort so it is a problem for me.

It does take me longer to get things done but I manage.

Thanks for the advice on Uni. I’ll re- read those posts and make sure my daughter applies for everything she is entitled to. I think she will need to get a part - time job.

I could do some wfh work but that is quite isolating and I want to work in an environment where I meet people. But possibly in the evenings or short term I can think about it. I don’t have many computer skills but I have found a few online courses for free I can do that may help.

The letter from the solicitor states the house is valued at 350k with secured loan of 35k.

I don’t think there is any hidden pension although he has 5k in a private pension not mentioned on the divorce notification. He didn’t tell me about it - I found it in his things. He has taken all his financial documents out of the house and re- directed his mail.

@Delilahsflowers

I have no family here unfortunately but I have cousins in another area. I could try the council list for that, thank you .

Your connection to your current area is the length of time you've lived there and your job there. If your job happens to be in another area and you commute, apply for the council list in the area where your job is too. Get on as many as you can!

That's useful to know about council tax still giving the discount for students, thanks.

I know in an ideal world nobody wants their DC to worry about poverty and all go to uni. But in the real world, if a DC is going to have to fund their own university place/living expenses with loans and grants and work with zero family support and if they have no career ideas so it's a "go for the lifestyle/experience" thing, then it might not be the best option. Ignoring poverty isn't going to make it go away and if DC are used to an affluent lifestyle, they're going to need telling about things like not wasting food and switching off lights and putting on a jumper because you can't crank the heating up when someone else is paying without checking it's ok first. People aren't born knowing these things. I'm sure OP would love to shoulder all responsibility for finances and shield DC from poverty but if she can't, she can't. Its not like she can just work more hours.

He probably can force a sale if you are unable to pay the mortgage. But it will take time. You do need a solicitor. Everything isn't his. Your house is a marital asset regardless of whose name is on the deeds.

It's how long things take you, if it is excessive times you might qualify also

I don't think I’ll get anything as I can work and walk but I’m in pain and my condition is not easy to manage- that’s why I need possibly a part- time option.

It's what you can do without pain or discomfort look up the rules and criteria for points, not the questions they ask on the form which are pretty much designed to trip you up.