AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

Hi everyone, can I join? I've been trying to read through the thread and it's comforting yet sad that so many of us are in the same situation.

I told DP that I wanted to separate in June. Since then we've been living together but separately. Having weighed up all my options I think it would be best if I could buy him out of the house but the thing is that he doesn't want to separate at all. I wondered if we could continue living together separately for a while but actually I think a clean break would be best for both of us.

The relationship just makes me so unhappy and I know 100% now that I want to be separate. It isn't just a case of the feelings 'going', there are massive issues around him continually emotionally invalidating me through being unbelievably defensive about every little think. Ive also felt invisible sexually for years, DP has a porn addiction that he doesn't really admit to. I've tried for years to Wade through this stuff, having open conversations with DP, reading books, having personal counselling. Like other posters have said, I've got to the point where I don't feel I need to justify WHY I want to leave with a list of 'evidence' it's just enough now that I know I do.

Does anyone else feel like the process is a little bit 'slow motion' like a gradual untangling of ties- emotional and physical. It's been months already and I know there's still so much to work though.

Hi,
Here for a hand hold as well. Just told my 'D'H that I want out. It's been hard for years and I've finally got to the point of being done living like this. A few things have culminated recently that have had a bearing. A massive argument where he thinks I over reacted and I think he is being ridiculous about a parenting issue, enough people telling me I deserve better. To be honest for the past few months I've just let him live his life, going out whenever he fancies and spending hours doing hobbies. I just can't be bothered with battling for family time anymore.

Whilst in some ways one of the hard parts of telling him is done, this is where he will go into arsehole mode. It isn't and wasn't ever about me and kids, it's about the house and stuff. Which is one of the main problems in the first place. He's adamant that he's going to stay in the big family house and we all have to move.

@pumpingRSI same situation re my partner suggesting me and our son move out and he stay. A few times he's said "(our son) will settle somewhere else" he's 4, starting Reception next year and I feel so disappointed that his well-being isn't regarded first and foremost by ex DP. It absolutely underpins why we have to separate. Ex feels possessive about the house because he's done lots of DIY to renovate the house. He's even suggested that if we sell he should get more because he did the work (he forgets that while he was doing that work I was taking care of our child and the rest of the house, so absolutely no way he's getting more. Its stuff like this that is building resentment. I really hoped it could all be amicable but unfortunately I think it will get messy

Thanks @Imagineit . That is exactly it, he feels like he has worked so hard for the house and his ego is massive so won't want to lose. Who cares whether me and kids are destitute!

I want to go down an easy non combative route but today his moods have been all over, understandably. One minute raging and threatening, another like a kicked puppy, another as if he can't believe this is happening. I can, you've been an arsehole for years...

@autismorarsehole it's so hard isn't it. My ex DP swings between sadness and anger too, and then, worse, a kind of denial where when I think we're being amiable for our son he thinks it's back to how it was and says things like 'next year we should decorate that room' it gets so I have to keep saying it and it's like he's hurt all over again.

*amicable

@Imagineit mine was a long (and possibly too drawn out process). We separated in Sept 2019 but he didn't move out until July 2021. Mainly due to Covid hitting and he couldn't find a house he liked . He desperately wanted to stay in our house but couldn't afford to buy me out whereas I had my mums inheritance so could. He wanted me to find him staying here until he could afford to repay me!! That would have impacted on what I could then buy so that was a no! I was actually ok to buy somewhere new as I thought a fresh start, in the village would be good - I'd fallen a bit out of love with our house but am now glad I stayed, especially since I've done a fair bit to make it mine.

ExH did get a bit shitty - he didn't want to separate or move but we are in a good place now and I'm even going over for Sunday lunch today (his weekend with the DC).

When we first talked about separately he'd also be planning future holidays etc and I think that's denial as you say. We just kept on talking (with ups and downs) and managed to get to the position where he agreed this was something that had happened to us after 20 years rather than one of us being to blame. It was good once we finally got to that position.

@pumpingRSI well done for biting the bullet, it's so hard, but sounds like he's been a bit of a dick for years so I don't blame you! You don't need a reason really, just 'this isn't working for me'. Urrrghh to the porn bit as well, can he not see how this affects you? Just grim in my book.

It will take time, although a friend of mine had the conversation and was out in 2 weeks! I think that's rare though.

Stay strong both of you 💐

@SummerSazz how did you buy him out? As in did you agree pay him half the deposit or more than that? I paid the deposit where we are so I'm not really sure what to offer and what is fair if we were to stay

@Imagineit We'd moved into the house before we were married and actually ended up with 2 separate mortgages - his ported on a fixed rate and the top up as a variable rate. I'd actually paid 'mine' off so he settled the balance on the mortgage. Then I paid him 50%, principally from my inheritance. So it was fair in a sense as to what we had put in.

It doesn't sound like you are married as you mention DP so I'd expect any settlement to take account of what you've put in but I'm no expert! But don't do yourself short because of some kind of perceived 'guilt' x

Having read this I can totally relate! I am trying to also look at myself or 'us' i15/20 yrs down the line, DD has left and we're here as we are now but we're older and probably not even friends, throw in age and the menopause would i have wished I jjst did it 15/20 yrs ago took the plunge followed the gut which is very rarely wrong, not wasted hours thinking when it's just all those complexities that make the 'decision' so much harder than doing what you know you would do so easily without all that extra adulting crap to deal with. We spend so long worrying about all these extra issues and I think we all know what we really need to do except doing it! What if, just say we met this new person we just clicked with, they made us laugh like we hadn't for years, made us feel amazingly attractive, funny, interesting and all of a sudden it just felt right, are we making it all just so much more complicated by thininf abkit this rather than just doing what we know in our gut is right and we just have to accept that and get on quickly! The hardest bit for me is the 50/50 split for the kids that is just so hard but it's a lot of people this happens to it's not uncommon we and they are not alone, it's life and for many and maybe if we love someone or care for them and our kids one day also love us would they not want us to do what was best for us and would we want to see our parents be happy?.. do we want to teach them to stay in an unhappy relationship because it's more convenient or say this has to stop because happiness should be a priority esp if we love someone we have to do what's right and the we just have to hope to god the rest of it sorts it's self out along the way. And when the kids fly the nest years down the line, our children as young adults grow up seeing mum and dad genuinely very happy with their new partners and by then they've accepted that fact rather than seeing their parents hating being together and stuck together now in old age unable to do what they should have done years ago... just another slant but god this makes you think, if it wasn't complicated enough eh 🤦‍♀️I don't want to get this wrong and I don't want to live with regrets but perhaps we have to accept that we can only do what we think is fight at the time we don't have crystal balls anf we don't always get it right that's life. Choose the hards we can cope with best and hope for the best with the chances we take for the bits we just have to get rid of maybe

So STBX casually said 3 months ago that he wants us to split up, he'd move out, I'd sell the house next summer and we'd split the money. I was in a state of shock, and said I didn't think it was the right time, DD still at home, just got her first job, we have lived in the house for 30 years, there is so much to untangle.I told friends and most importantly DCs. DS recently came to visit for first time since , STBX would not talk to him about it. I don't think STBX has spoken to anyone! STBX has accepted what I have said about it being too soon so the new target for the split is 3 years when he retires. Divorce is a word that hasn't been spoken. He has a large pension pot and plans to go off with it and live in a flat and go on the sort of holidays he wants. In the mean time we will carry on. We've always had separate lives. STBX who has many Asperger traits, always kept me separate from his friends who were colleagues of us both. I know this from what they have said to me, they've invited me to an events and STBX hasn't told me. In the last couple of years STBX has withdrawn from everything at home, stopped doing the few chores which were his. He never engages in conversation, he hasn't even asked me what I think about his announcement. Last night I noticed a booking confirmation for a holiday, this is something he has form for, booking things and not telling me. It used to really hurt now it doesn't I just think it's so disrespectful.
So the marriage is dead.
Now I have spent the last 3 months talking to solicitors and pension advisors. It will be a 50:50 split if we divorce. I've got my ducks in a row.
The problem today is I'm off work, my appointment has been cancelled, I'm at a loose end, STBX is WFH. I could and will go out, but I could also get going on clearing the house. I was sorting through old photos yesterday and came across some of him in early days, we've been together for over 40 years. I remembered what attracted me, I loath him now with they way he has treated me.
What I really want to do is scream and shout. But I also want to carry on living in my house for as long as possible.
I think STBX is going say it's a joint decision, he said he's worried about what people with think as we wont be going on holiday together. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. Other people think he's quiet but nice. Nobody but me knows what he's really like. I think that's one of the reasons he kept me separate from friends.
He finds it easy to compartmentalise, I'm in one box, work, football etc in others. For me everything is connected. I am getting on with the mourning process for my house quite well, seeing advantages in downsizing, exploring other places to live.
This has been such a ramble but I'm having a wobble today and I can't keep talking to friends.
They just say LTB!

@itscomplicatedlife
"What if, just say we met this new person we just clicked with, they made us laugh like we hadn't for years, made us feel amazingly attractive, funny, interesting and all of a sudden it just felt right"

So this sort of happened to me but the other person could never feel they could properly be with me as I was married and then going though a major break up. I mean if I had met him when I was single it still might not have worked out but I think I am always going to have this "what if" in my head.

Also even through I brought a lot more into this relationship money wise I took legal advice and its going to have to be 50/50. I would advise anyone to get some decent legal advice. And yes - I do need to change my user name now ! I will put my thinking cap on.

@Undecidedandtorn could you be decidedandresolute?

@1ranksenior I know you want to keep the peace and not have to get stbx to 'out' himself as in this separated predicament but 3 years feels an awfully long time to prolong everything. If you loathe him now and want to scream and shout I think you'll end up a shell in 3 years time having been blamed for everything and the dcs probably despairing of the situation. I'd say you've had time to reflect and you think next year is fine for timing and plenty to get things sorted. Good luck 👍

@itscomplicatedlife I agree with a lot of your post, especially re leaving when we know it's the end rather than prolonging and with @Undecidedandtorn that when (maybe!!) a new wonderful person enters your life you are in a place to explore that without having to unravel a whole pile of history. It also puts the 'blame' firmly on you for getting into a new potential relationship rather than agreeing that it is best to separate for no other reason than the 2 people involved are both mutually responsible but the relationship cannot be salvaged. Clearly this is not the case for abuse victims but they need to run ASAP and fuck the 'nice' mutual separation.

@Yellowswan have you managed to move things on further since your note? 🤞

@lemonmeringue85 are you still on the rollercoaster? I hope it is slowing down soon so you can just hop off x

Hi all, update from me 3 weeks on. OH is working through the emotions, at first was completely disbelieving, talking about our future, asking if he could arrange a date for us etc. As of yesterday he's reached the anger stage. Never seen him so angry. He moved out from the start, 2 hours away to his brothers house and so drove up to "chat" to me, which transpired to be him shouting at me, demanding answers. I foolishly tried to put a few points across but am going to stop that. Everything I say gets thrownback at me. As another poster said, it's best to just nod. One of his main points is that everything works out well for me, while he's 2 hours away, living elsewhere without his kids. And I feel terrible about that, but what can I do?! I feel like him bringing this guilt to my door is a result of our dynamic, where I've always been "the fixer". Not now though, and that just adds to his new perception of me as the bad guy. He actually said that I've lied to him this whole time (8 years) as I had doubts about our future. But he had mentioned having them too previously and I am sure it's also normal in relationships. If I had doubts why did I proceed to have kids with him? Again, can I want kids and still have doubts niggling in the back of my mind? I don't like the version of me that he's building in his mind, but partly don't care also. I want him to step up and be the father he claims he's now going to miss out on being, and yet he's refusing to see the kids until it's his weekend next week. So he's furious at me benefitting from living in our home (which I found and bought), with our kids (which he is refusing to see). It's such a mindf*ck. How was this phase for others? Despite the stress I'm so happy to have ripped off the bandaid.

This is indeed the worst bit. Its not always possible to explain yourself. I did some crazy stuff last year that I don't even understand let alone making anyone else understand.

Just nodding and biting my tongue got me through.

Hi all. I haven’t been on this thread for a while as I needed to concentrate on what was going on in my real life!

For anyone new, I came on here a few months ago for many of the same reasons as you. I finally bit the bulletin and told my husband I wanted to separate and we’ve been living separately but in the same house since the beginning of October. We decided to sort out a separation agreement so it would allow me to move out with some financial stability before divorce proceedings start. I’ll be moving to my new flat at the beginning of December and I can’t begin to describe how excited I am.

I just wanted to let you know, it’s been really hard at times. However I’m in no doubt that I’ve done the right thing and I feel positive about the future. My H has been very reasonable and fair and we’ve had minimal input from solicitors as we’ve been able to work most things out between us. There have been some flare ups and disagreements, emotions have run high at times but we’ve managed to work through them.

I hope this helps anyone thinking about going ahead with separation/in the early stages etc. Yes it’s hard at times but when you know, you know and for me I feel more at peace now than I have for years.

I’ve been thinking about you @@lemonmeringue85**@lemonmeringue85 I hope you’re ok xxx

@smileyotter So good to hear from you. Love the name change. I am still hanging around this thread but can see that we are getting closer to 1000 messages and I wonder if @lemonmeringue85 will start a new thread. It helps to get together and share, it really does. I am so glad to hear that you are doing well and that you will soon be free. It is truly an amazing feeling. My ex moved out in August and while the first few weeks were still very emotional for me, things are getting better as we speak. Every day, many times I would sit down and do a quick scan of my body and mind and be so happy and grateful to find how much healthier and happier I feel, day after day. I find that coming back home and going to bed are the happiest times for me. When I am looking forward to it rather then dreading it. I wish you all the best and please do check in again.

Hi, apologies for being quietly hovering in the background. I have been reading through the replies and just felt really lost lately. Nothings getting any better and I just wish I could rip that plaster off, I don't know what's stopping me. Both my H and I know things aren't good and that neither of us want to continue feeling how we do, but he's so so difficult to get a response from in these situations.

@smileyotter Thankyou for your kind thoughts. I've been thinking of you too and we're hoping things were going well.. glad to hear you're feeling so much better, it gives me hope!

@freeatlast2021 I was thinking of starting a new thread I just have no idea how to! Do I just start a new one from scratch?? Any advice would be great so we don't lose people ☺️

Thinking of you all. You're all doing amazing xx

@lemonmeringue85 I am sorry that you are still struggling with this, but it is totally understandable. This is hard and painful. The only thing I know for sure is it WILL happen. You are there, you want it, you know this is the best thing for you and your husband and you will do it when the time is right. You will recognize that moment when it comes. We were just talking about it in another thread and someone was saying how she was so calm and composed and her thoughts were so clear. I can also say that I was calm and so sure, there was no doubt in my mind that this was what I wanted. I just said it, "Yes, this is what I want. No, I do not think we can work it out. Yes, I think that best 25 years of my life that I gave you IS enough time." The End.

As for the thread yes, pls, do create a new one once we reach 1000 on this one. I think we all need this "thread" to come back to from time to time. It is my life line for sure. I think when the time comes you just create a new thread and leave a link to it here. Right guys? Is this correct?
Hugs

This thread is a lifeline so yes, please make another! All quiet here, ticking along, still happy with my decision to end it. I havent seriously had to consider was it the right thing to do, so I know I made the right decision. I think I was thinking about it for so long that I had already reached that conclusion. Reading others' experiences is such a help, knowing I'm not alone is encouraging. And also the recurring theme of guilt is interesting - many times it is mentioned guilt at ruining the happiness of our partner / children, at the expense of our own happiness.

Well the gates have opened. After weeks (months really) of us both ignoring the subject, the H text me from work this morning telling me how he feels. Neither of us has ever been very good at communicating face to face so if this is the way we do it, so be it. I messaged him back all my side of things this morning and hes yet to reply.. I'm hoping he's just busy at work. Although he's replied to another message I've sent him regarding one of the kids so who knows.

I have no idea what to expect tonight.. I don't know what to feel.

Thankyou ladies (and gentlemen 🙂) for always being there to offload to.

Hope everyone is ok xx

@lemonmeringue85 sending virtual hugs to you. Same with us re communication. I'm not where you are, but trying! I have text my feelings to my DH since August with no response. Will be thinking of you & hope you get some peace with going forward. Your posts have been a constant warm blanket to me over the past few months but I have been somewhat shy to say so !

@findthecourage oh bless you! Don't be shy, this is exactly what I created this space for. A safe space to share and vent and offload and most of all, help people in similar situations realise they're not alone and this adulting shit is hard!

Sorry to hear you're in a similar predicament. The communication side of things has been the biggest barrier for us. I hate confrontation and conflict and the thought of hurting someone makes me feel sick. I've been having therapy for a good 5 months now and beginning to realise my voice is valid, my thoughts and feelings are valid and it's ok to speak up when I'm unhappy.
It's a learning curve but I'm getting there and realising I've probably been very unhappy in this marriage for some years, even before kids.

You will find the strength one day. When I started this thread in April I never imagined sending H the message I sent this morning and I'm becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of separating and being allowed to choose my very own new sofa ha!

Sending love xx

@lemonmeringue85 I hate confrontation and conflict too. Since separating I think this has worked in our favour as we are pretty collaborative and still willing to help each other out. Mine was a looooong road too but I don't regret that. We've been able to adjust to things as they arise which has been really good from my pov.

It's a bit manic as a single parent but I do think I'm calmer within myself. The unshackling from an underwhelming relationship has been good for me abs the dc seem ok so far. That's all I can hope for. Dd1 turns 15 tomorrow and asked to be 'at home' which luckily he's fine with.

Hope you get an answer in some form from your H.

@findthecourage has he just gone 'grey rock'?? August is some time away. I hope you can get him to engage soon xx