AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

Currently in process of separation although not necessarily instigated by me. Recently bought a house, got engaged, got a puppy. Wedding booked for next year, deposits paid, dress bought etc. Lockdown, working from home, general anxiety and the shock of a puppy took its toll. I can see a way forward, he can't but I guess I've had my doubts before but always thought we could work through them. Feel very sad, like a need a hug but there's no one to give me one lol.

@Mvshrln I know that it must hurt a lot right now, but trust me if its not meant to be its better that it is over now then 20 years from now. You are young and the whole life is ahead of you. Hugs!!!

[quote freeatlast2021]@Mvshrln I know that it must hurt a lot right now, but trust me if its not meant to be its better that it is over now then 20 years from now. You are young and the whole life is ahead of you. Hugs!!![/quote]
I was just hoping this would be part of my life! :(

Hi all, I hope it’s ok to tag along, I’m in the same predicament and need somewhere to talk about it. Dh and I together 17 years, married 12 years with dd13 and ds12. Things have been up and down (very much more down than up)) for years, by his own admission he is a very selfish person and likes things his way or no way at all and that applies to most aspects of our life, this became very apparent once we’d had the children. I have been through some very difficult times in my life, losing both parents and having a very frightening health issue which luckily after surgery and treatment I got through. Throughout these times he was little or no support at all, I was actually made to feel a burden sometimes, he has also got a nasty side that has chipped away at me over the years. When it comes to the dc our views on parenting are very different and I can only see this causing more problems as they get older. I told him last month that I thought we should separate and I hoped we could do it amicably but he broke down and pleaded with me saying that he would change etc etc, I agreed but as time is going on I know that I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore but I’m scared of what lies ahead. We will have to sell the house and although there is quite a bit of equity there may not be enough for me to buy so may have to go into rented and that worries me (never rented before) I don’t want the children having to potentially move every 6 months to a year. There is so much more to this but I’ll stop rambling now so thanks for reading!! It’s horrible to think so many people are in this situation but also a comfort knowing I’m not alone xxx

Didn’t realise how long my post was sorry! And apologies for lack paragraphs etc but was on a roll😊

Hi guys, I just wanted to share something with you. I have been working with my lawyer on separation agreement these days and it is finished now, we just have to sign it both. I just left it with my ex yesterday. He is supposed to sign it with a witness and pass it on to me. Today, he texts me asking if he can come over to sign the papers. I was totally stunned. First, no, I do not want him to come over a this always brings anxiety to me and second, I thought I should not be his witness, but someone else. My lawyer mentioned that it could be adult kids but we should avoid it as they should not be involved in anything related to our separation, but she never mentioned if it could be me. I just felt so uncomfortable and so I told him, I did not think it should be me. He was like, "well it says here that it should be adult". Anyway, I contacted my lawyer, thank god I finally have one, and she said, no, it should not be me because I am the "other party". OMG, I felt so relieved and of course I told him this.

But the thing is wtf, why did he think this was OK. I mean, this man, he messes up with my brain. Stuff he does or says sometimes, it just confuses me so. Like he will not answer a text where I am asking how he is or something but will ask me to hem his curtains and stuff. Like he is pissed with me for "kicking him out" but will, with no problem ask me to do something for him. Blows my mind.

Sorry, just had to vent.

lemon DS came to visit for the weekend, I checked with him that his father had still not spoken to him of his intention for us to separate and sell the house. So I asked STBXH if he was going to tell his son his plans. No he says he doesn't know what our!!! plans are. I told him the separation was his idea, it was up to him. Needless to say nothing was said.

When STBXH told me 3 months ago he wanted to separate and for me to sell the house, I had said the time wasn't right, DD had just returned home and started her first job, I wasn't ready to down-size etc. So he agree to wait but wanted it done by the time he retires in 3 years.
Now STBXH says he doesn't want to tell the DC, (I have of course plus all my friends!) and he is concerned what people will think.

This 'separation' all started for me just before covid when he said he didn't want to have holidays like we had been having in our 40 years together and he wouldn't fly anymore. I thought we had plans to travel in retirement
He is now worried what people (his friends) will think when we have separate holidays. We have both (him more than me) had separate holidays so I don't know what his concern is? We've had very separate lives full stop and often holidays were the only time we were together.
His closing remark was we will just plod on for the next 3 years but no one must know.

I've made great progress getting my ducks in a row. So as soon as I have the house in order I could get the divorce and sale underway. I just don't want to. I don't want to leave the home I've (yes it was just me) built over the last 30 years, to move away and start over again.
But I don't like living this lie, not telling his friends and relatives and most of all his children what's happening. I had consider separation myself in the future at the time for downsizing and the thought of living with him in retirement!

@freeatlast2021 don’t blame you needing to vent, how ridiculous of him?!! Great to hear that things are moving along though in terms of the process.

I could really use some advice/opinions from you guys. I still have not managed to say anymore to H yet, I can’t get the words out and I’ve had so much opportunity. I am so annoyed and upset with myself, I just can’t stand this for another day. So what do you all think of me texting him tomorrow when we’re at work, saying we need to talk over the weekend. He will know straight away what about. I just desperately need to initiate this, but I don’t know if that’s just a cop out and unfair? Help!!

@Yellowswan anything to open the door to the conversation is a good thing. Once you've sent it you know you've put it out there & the genie can come out of the bottle. You need it to happen as you can't go on churning up inside. Good luck and be brave x

@Yellowswan absolutely, you can email him to let him know you want to talk. This way he will take it seriously. I think that you need to deal with this the sooner the better. Be brave, you can do this.

Thanks ladies, exactly what I needed to hear. I’m 100% going to do it around midday. I’ve written it down here now so I have to!! I’m not overthinking it anymore until then, just going to do it. Xx

@Yellowswan Let us know how it went. Hugs.

Hi,

Does anybody on this thread have any experience of leaving their H and moving into social housing please? This is what I intend to do, I have my application up and running and I've been given good priority banding but I feel a bit lost with it all and was just wondering if anybody is in the same boat?

My separation has officially happened tonight. We would have been in our house for 1 year this week and didn't even make it to marriage and kids 🤷 feeling quite (very) numb and shocked (almost hysterical tbh). He's gone to stay at a friend's for tonight and I'm staying here, gearing myself up for the incredibly difficult times to come.

Hi all, hope everyone is doing OK. Small update here, youngest child now at uni, so I applied for a job 200 miles away!!! I had that conversation with dh who to be fair was very good, also told my kids (none here) so lots of talking. A small step forward as it's not really the job that's important just that I applied for it and the implications of that. I have to say my kids were amazing and it makes moving forward a little easier. Spent the week away on my own, difficult as I really don't like being on my own, but I will need to be able to do that and I can. Sadly didn't get the job so back to living separately but still feel I have moved forwards a little bit. I hope others can do the same, having that conversation is so difficult but makes it a little easier. X

There are some days when I think to my self:" I love my life"! Today is one of those days. What am I doing? Absolutely nothing!

I woke up late, at 8 had to walk my dog and after went back to bed. Could not sleep of course but just lay there enjoying the quiet Saturday morning, the bird songs outside of my window, my gorgeous new bed sheets. I got up at 9 took a shower, and meditated for thirty minutes. Went up to my living room and made my self an amazing breakfast, without counting calories. Turned my TV on, made myself a cup of coffee and "stole" a handful of Halloween treats. I am now watching "Sex Education" all by myself. Only one of my kids is in the house right now, still sleeping. It is a gorgeous day outside, just gorgeous and a quick scan of my body tells me that there is no sign of anxiety or discomfort of any kind. Pure bliss.

I apologize if this post looks like bragging but I am only trying to be grateful. That is all. Also, hoping to give you something to look forward to because this, my dear friends is/will be you, very, very soon. XOXO

Can I have a hand hold please? I've told my H it's over. He's absolutely broken and I feel awful. Should I sacrifice my own happiness for his? He says he will never ever be happy again, I can't bear to see him like this. I really really hate hurting him. Can anybody tell me if this gets better?

@brightorbleakfuture it does get better, my dh was exactly like this, said he was suicidal and had nothing. I am still struggling with how much I am hurting him, but know its the right thing to do for both of us even if it doesn't feel like that now. It's been a while since I had that first talk and have had many since but he has now accepted it and it is better,. Stay strong, keep going and yes your happiness is important.xx

[quote Scooby2021]@brightorbleakfuture it does get better, my dh was exactly like this, said he was suicidal and had nothing. I am still struggling with how much I am hurting him, but know its the right thing to do for both of us even if it doesn't feel like that now. It's been a while since I had that first talk and have had many since but he has now accepted it and it is better,. Stay strong, keep going and yes your happiness is important.xx[/quote]
Thank you.

I've done the wrong thing. The begging, pleading and tears became too much and I've said 'we can see how things go.'
This is cruel of me as I know that I'm leaving but I had to make things bearable here in the here and now. I feel awful. He's not a bad man, he doesn't deserve this but I cannot change the way I feel.

@brightorbleakfuture I am with you.

So I went through with it and sent the message. We finally managed to talk today (busy weekend and older children who don’t go to bed make it tricky to get the chance!)
I’m left feeling annoyed with myself, because I wasn’t as explicit as I needed to be. He very much wants to work things out and feels like ‘we’re not giving it enough effort’. I tried to explain, in many different ways, that it’s not about effort it’s about how I feel and I can’t change that. Then it was all, ‘what about the children, what about finances’ etc etc. I think I did get my point across that these things are secondary, not reasons to decide to stay together.
So that’s where we’ve left it really, I’m so annoyed that I remain in this awful limbo because I’m not brave enough to spell out that it’s over, but it was a step forwards as we’ve not discussed it for months. I’m determined that I will get there xx

@Yellowswan I am sorry that you feel like you did not achieve what you wanted. I know exactly what you are talking about, this seems to happen often. I think that the best way to do this is to rip the band-aid. Short and sweet works the best. Just say, I am not happy in the marriage, do not think that we can work this out, I want us to separate. After this just nod. I know that this is hard because we all feel like we owe it to them but I feel that ones you start explaining and discussing things you may lose the momentum, start questioning your self and stuff.

Anyway, be kind to yourself. You are doing great, your started the conversation. Take care.xoxo

Hi all I would also like to tag along. Been together 20 years, married 14, one child (11). I ended up leaving him twice in the last 15 months (both times he forced me out of the house). Once he’d calmed down cue begging me to come back, he’d change, I was the love of his life, marriage counselling etc etc. The first counsellor wasn’t what we needed and I ended up brushing too much under the carpet. Second one was much better but told H that he was controlling bordering on abusive, which he didn’t like obviously. Cue row as I agree with the counsellor. He left yesterday and stayed in a hotel - said he’s moving out but I’m scared he’ll be back in a couple of days and will try and force me out again. Why is it so hard even though he’s being vile with me? It’s all my fault obviously that the marriage hasn’t worked, I’m selfish etc etc. Horribly complicated finances which will be a nightmare to untangle. He will be awful I know it - he’s vindictive and spiteful ☹️

I can't even remember the last time I posted - great to read some stories (first dates are so exciting) and sad to read some others. My and my ex have been doing 50/50 for 2 months now and I feel like everything is settling down. Even the teenager is getting used to think although I know he would have preferred in if we could both have stayed in the house.

We even managed a week together as a family in half term with me sleeping in the spare room and we all went away for a half term treat - paying for 2 hotel rooms instead of one. I feel good - happier then I have done in a long while. I think if you had told me this time last year I could feel like this I would have not believed you. We need to start mediation re the money situation which is going to be hard but hope it will help both of us move on.

@Undecidedandtorn
I think it is time you changed your name. I am glad that things are settling down on your end and that you guys are managing this new phase so well. My ex does not want to do anything with me. When he was moving out I told him that I would like us to get together for birthdays and holidays, but he said, bdays are fine but holidays maybe not. First two birthdays he joined us for our traditional dinner out, but last week, for my youngest birthday, he decided not to. I was really mad at him as I think it is so selfish and immature and irresponsible, but did not say anything. Its not like I want to have dinner with him, of course not, but I would do it for the kids.

I always knew that if we split up, he would be difficult, make it as hard as possible and it is happening exactly like I predicted. I am just grateful that my kids are grown up and we do not have to co-parent, not really. Our youngest one is 17 and so I do not really have to talk to him at all, but I keep thinking how awful and difficult if would be if they were young and we had to talk about everything.

@kasho5
Hello and welcome, to our little corner. I am really sorry to hear of all the difficulties you are having lately with your spouse. I am not sure I understand it when you say he "forces" you out. Does he kick you out of the house? That is horrible.

Dear OP, this is hard, it is always hard, no matter who initiates it and what the reasons are, especially for us women as we have this natural tendency to care for others, to make things work, to make them better. However, we all should listen to our own instincts, and if it tells you that it is time to call it quits, then it most certainly is.

Do not wait for your husband to come back, or kicks you out, or tells you what to do. This is the time for you to be strong and proactive. Start by talking to a lawyer. If you husband is abusive call Women's Aid and talk to them. Get your finances together. Get your important documents together. Start looking around and see if and where you can rent a place, so that you have an idea in case you have to leave.

While this is all very hard, it is much harder to live in a marriage that is bad. This will be hard and stressful for a long time, but it will get better. Like people say, it has to get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. You take care of yourself and I hope you are free very, very soon.