AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@SummerSazz thanks for asking. He just completely stonewalled me back in August when I called him out on some very passive aggressive behaviour towards our DS. He so did not like that at all. He has used silent treatment to 'voice' his disapproval of me attempting to stand my own ground. Embarrassingly, I allowed and enabled it for years. Not realising in truth what was actually happening (had never experienced this before so was so shocked). I now see it for what it is and want out. I want to be able to show my DS that he can leave a relationship if it is unfulfilling. Sadly I'm not handling it all very well at the minute and now have shamefully reacted to the stonewalling and am completely ignoring H. Feel very broken by it all tbh

@findthecourage well done you for calling out the behaviour. Keep advocating for your DS, you've completely got this! I don't know if it's any comfort, but I've felt broken for around 9 months in this situation. I'm finally feeling able to speak up for myself and voice what I'm not happy about and although H doesnt appear to like this, I'm feeling much more empowered and stronger. It will take time but with support you will get there and we're all here to support you. Sending love xx

@SummerSazz I don't know what's wrong with him. I sent him my response, no holds barred and got no response. I sent him another one and got no response. I assumed he was busy at work which he said he was once he got in, then nothing more has been said. Admittedly I wouldn't have wanted to raise the issue in front of the DCs anyway so expected a conversation once they were in bed but was met with complete silence. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes and then continued to play on his phone. So, probably wrongly, I accepted his silence and after 2 hours of it watching tv on my own I went to bed without even saying goodnight. It's not been brought up this morning, I'm so angry.

It's good to hear you feel calmer within yourself and that the DC seem to be coping well. That's all I hope for to be honest.

I'm not sure how these last few months would have played out if I'd not had the support of this group. Hearing all your different stories and perspectives, words of encouragement and general honesty really has been the best thing.

Thankyou xx

@lemonmeringue85 I completely understand what you are going through. I have had to resort to testing my H since August to communicate. I have let him know why I called him out and the damage it will cause to our DS. Zero response. I asked if he wanted me to arrange a babysitter so we could discuss everything, zero response. / excuses that he was working. I even pleaded with him to talk as told him (albeit this is all in texts) that I didn't think we would get through this without professional help, zero response. I text about getting solicitors advice as this way of living was toxic to our son. Zero response. I even tried verbally taking to him explaining how dysfunctional this was for our DS. His response was 'get your solicitors letter & this isn't toxic, you wanted coparenting, here it is'. I like you, am hitting a wall every single time. Now I know I need to leave him but he is already telling DS how sad he is as he doesn't get night time cuddles from DS (as he is sharing room with me) H is in DS bedroom. Feel so stuck & torn between bit throwing a Grenade into my DS life & breaking free from a man I no longer have any positive feelings or love for ...... It is so so difficult & I am drowning in the anxiety & unfairness of it all. You guys really are my lifeline as when it gets too much I come back to this thread and it allows me regroup and breathe

@lemonmeringue85 just saw a typo; not testing him, texting him **

I think messaging/texting can be very helpful sometimes. Like others neither me or my ex are good at confrontation (I think this is partly why our marriage failed- a good row every now and then would have cleared the air maybe) and when we tried again it was him sending me a message asking how I thought it was going that led to the end of our relationship.

@lemonmeringue85 and @findthecourage they sound more petty and juvenile by the day. You putting your feelings on the table and asking to talk and being ignored is completely disrespectful.

I'd think that would give me the impetus to throw that grenade in. And re the impact on DC - getting away from that disrespectful behaviour has to be a good thing rather than tearing anything apart. I think you'd need a solid plan though with your expectations - we need to separate (even if you say for an initial period to both think before actually talking properly), you need to go to [parents, friends, rented etc]. Not sure what you do mind you if they say no!! Hopefully it would be the wake up call to actually communicate and work out your way forward.

@1ranksenior

I think your STBXH is in for a huge shock;I don't think he's really cottoned onto the fact he'll be having to split his pension pot or that his new flat when he gets it won't magically clean itself,his dinner won't cook itself nor will his clothes clean themselves

@Undecidedandtorn Can I ask your opinion ; if being given the silent treatment. How acceptable is it or not to text I want out?? I think I'm scared to tell him verbally. He's not violent but I feel anxious and uncomfortable around him right now.
It would be an awful thing to finish my marriage by text though, god, I'm nearly 50 years old. So embarrassed

@findthecourage - I would text and say "I'm really unhappy. We need to talk. When I come home we need to sit down together" (or whatever works for you, ). Then when he sees you ask him if he got your text.

If he still won't engage then could you write him a letter and hand it to him?

@Undecidedandtorn thanks so much for your response. Am very low emotionally today so your hand hold very much appreciated I have sadly had to text him over the past few months as he refuses to engage with me & gave me the silent treatment. I am now ashamed to admit that I am now reacting the same this past week. Am at my lowest point. I know he is trying to break me so I will relent and follow the narrative I used to follow; his way or no way. I am literally worn down now & have little fight left in me, but genuinely do want out. I do think I will have to verbally tell him as he hasn't acknowledged any previous attempts by me telling him how unhappy I am

@findthecourage - what would be the next stage for you if he was engaging? Speak to a solicitor? Find a new place to live? Something else? I think you should start to do that next stage and tell him that is what you are doing.

I found it useful when I was doing stuff at the start was to remind myself that I just exploring options. Your not making any big decisions yet.

@Undecidedandtorn I am hyper emotional past couple of days so am wondering is it because Christmas is near too? Can I do or say anything a few weeks before, do I leave it until afterwards ? Seem to have lost my determination & resolve. Need to find it again !

I’m very late to the party but hope you don’t mind me joining?
DH and I are at crisis point. I’ve been umming and ahhing backwards and forwards about separating since July.
We have 3 young DCs (6, 5 & 2). We got together very young - I was 19 when we got married - and children followed in quick succession after that. He’s military, and his job is an enormous factor in our lifestyle. His job means that I’ve done majority of the parenting by myself as he comes and goes with his job anything from a few weeks to a few months at a time.
There’s no abuse, no raging arguments, no addictions issues, no cheating from either party….we’ve just grown so far apart, it feels like we are friends who share a house rather than a couple. We do love each other, but I don’t think it’s a romantic kind of love anymore.
I keep telling myself that I’d be stupid to leave when there’s nothing that’s gone majorly wrong. But there’s that constant niggle of “there’s got to be more to life than this” that I just can’t shake. And then I feel like the most selfish person in the world for even thinking of ripping the rug out from under my kids’ perfectly happy, comfortable home and family.
I was hoping we could give the kids a normal Christmas, and then have the discussions that need to be had once that was out of the way, but last night things came to a head and it all came flooding out of me. As expected, DH is completely broken hearing how unhappy I am, and again that makes me feel like an awful person because the last thing I have ever wanted to do is hurt him. He’s a good man. He has never ever hurt me intentionally, but has inadvertently hurt me a million times over when it comes to his apparent apathy towards our relationship as a couple. I get nothing from him. A few years ago, when we were still ok, it was always me making the effort for date nights etc, he has never taken the initiative to do anything for us as a couple, and now seems shocked when I told him that I got to a point where I thought “what’s the point”. I stopped putting the effort in because it all felt so one sided.
He’s so emotionally unavailable, I feel like I carry the weight of the entire family’s emotional well-being and I have no one to be that person for me. He had a difficult childhood, and I suspect that’s the reason why he can’t handle any kind of emotionally taxing conversation or situation, so instead buries his head in the sand.
Sorry for the word vomit

Hi everyone, sorry I’ve been quiet lately but I’ve been watching from the sidelines, as always finding all of your posts such a huge comfort and feeling aligned with many of you.

Not much to report which is the reason I haven’t posted, because I’m still so annoyed that I’m in the same situation. I said to my friend a few weeks ago that I cannot still be in the same situation by Christmas, I just can’t I would be devastated and feel like such a failure.

@lemonmeringue85 and others, I’ve been reading with real interest with what your saying about text messages. I guess it’s not ideal, but I can’t physically get the words out of my mouth, I’ve tried so many times. Then I sent that message a while ago saying we needed to talk. It worked in terms of opening up the conversation but still, I couldn’t say what I really felt. Maybe I need to revisit and have a conversation via message. As someone else said, not an ideal way to end a marriage- but nothing about this is ideal!!

As always, I am stunned and amazed that he is still happily plodding along, acting like all is fine. It really makes me resent him, absolutely no consideration for the issues we have. My friend said it could be because he has things so easy at the moment. I communicate so little with him, I do absolutely everything in the house/with kids and I don’t make an issue about this anymore. I don’t care when he goes out or how long he’s out for, so absolutely no nagging there either. He can literally do what he likes and doesn’t have to rock the boat, no wonder he’s not keen on moving forwards 😂

@Yellowswan I have always found your posts extremely comforting and have 'followed' you for a while. It is so so hard, but I ask this if you. Please do not be hard on yourself. I was so despondent over the weekend and so distressed with myself as I couldn't get the words out. I got home last night & after 4 months of silent treatment from H (and me reacting the same the past week) I finally had enough. Don't know where it came from but calmly said We need to sort what we are doing for Christmas as this is so unfair in DS, he didn't even look at me and when I said you're not even going to look at me: he responded with a grumpy aggressive What. That was it, I just said we need to separate, I won't live this life. Felt a million times lighter!! But, I have had nothing since from him. He never even approached me when I came home this evening. I know I will have to pursue this and do it all. So am unsure if it was even worth saying anything at all. I have a feeling it is going to be exceptionally difficult for both of us to get rid of our H but wanted you to know that I have valued your posts so much over the past few months

Some typos, apologies **on should be there a few times rather than in !

@Yellowswan I am so sorry to hear that there is no progress, but do keep your eyes on the prize and wait for the right moment to broach the subject again. After being on MN for years I learned that many men act in a similar fashion, ignoring the obvious. Even if you are complaining and commenting on issues they will still pretend that all is well. I think that any communication is better then none. While it would be better if you spoke with him, I think writing him an email is better then nothing. I would just sit down and write. This may also be a chance for you to get it all off your chest as I know it is difficult to do so in person. When I told my husband I wanted to separate, that was literally all I said. I was also feeling frozen for months, years even, just could not get the words through my mouth, so when I finally did it, I felt in no mood to discuss it further.

@SlamLikeAGuitar Welcome! I am sorry that you are going through this too but I promise posting about it will make you feel better. I was in a similar situation with my husband, he worked evening and weekend shifts and while this worked well for child care it took a toll on our relationship. I loved him so much and missed him and I begged him to change jobs but he completely ignored me saying he loved his job and did not want to change. This is when our relationship started deteriorating. My ex has no communication skills, so he would always get defensive and dismiss all my attempts to address issues. Eventually I called it quits and he was “shocked” and said that he did not realize it was “that bad”. He did not because he was not really listening to me and paying attention. We spent twenty-five years together before we split up. He moved out this August. I say, trust your instincts. Sometimes you feel that something is wrong but you cannot name it and you think you are imagining. The thing is if you feel that there is something going on it probably is and if it makes you feel bad you should do something about it. Good luck and keep posting.

@freeatlast2021 I’m sorry you found yourself in a similar situation, but grateful for your insights at the same time.
Everything just hurts. The idea of staying this unhappy hurts. The idea of hurting him hurts. The idea of splitting up the family that’s all my DCs have ever known hurts.
And I don’t want to hurt anymore

@findthecourage It is interesting how similar a lot of our stories are. I had similar situation where things were accumulating over the years but in the last few months before break up it was just piling up and I felt I had enough. Came to my now ex and said I wanted to separate. Funny how he looked surprised and said he did not think it was that bad. I thought to myself, not that bad?!?! What does that even mean! I kept bringing up issues and he completely ignored me for years, decades and now he tells me he did not realize it was that bad. No, because I was not yelling and screaming and breaking things. Other then that I did all I could. A year before that I offered him couples counselling and he refused. Then he said, “I cannot believe that you are giving up so easily, all you did was offered me couples counselling”. OMG, really!! That is ALL I did. I do not know, some of these men are just, unbelievable.
By that point, I realized that there is no point in talking with him, he will never change. In order for someone to change they first have to acknowledge that they are doing something wrong and my ex, he thinks he is perfect.

I am sorry to hear that you guys are in this situation and so many of us are too, but please listen to your instincts, trust yourselves, love yourselves, be true to yourselves. You deserve to be happy, content, relaxed and comfortable in your own house, your life, with your kids. And you will be, once you are free of this burden.

@SlamLikeAGuitar I know how you feel. In the last two years I felt so bad I though I would fall ill and die. Literally, I though I would get cancer and die. Or have nervous break down. My blood pressure was skyrocketing, I had headaches, my stomach hurt constantly, my heart was pounding, I could not sleep. I talked to my GP and he advised me to talk to my husband. He said, this will all be gone ones you take that off your chest. He was right. It literally went all away, all the physical symptoms anyway.

Please note, it WILL get worse before it gets better. After I told him that I wanted to separate and a few weeks after he moved out I was very anxious and guilt was killing me. But then things started feeling so much better. These days (four months after he moved out), I find myself observing my body and my mind and I find nothing. No anxiety, no stress, no pain, no suffering. When I go out I cannot wait to come home. At night, I cannot wait to go to bed. MY bed. I am not out of the woods yet, of course. I sent him spousal support this morning and texted him to let him know, and it was like someone opened a dam, a flood of anxiety and all kinds of toxic emotions just overwhelmed me. I had to take few deep, deep breaths to return to my normal, healthy state. I do not know how much longer it will take me to have this reaction to any kind of contact with him but as long as there is not contact, at least, I am ok. And just to point out, my ex was not violent. There was no screaming, cursing or physical violence, mostly emotional and mental abuse, buy it was deeply rooted.

I wish you all the best, and keep posting. It does help. It helped me tremendously, especially because I was not sharing this with anyone except my therapist.

@freeatlast2021i can totally relate to the physical symptoms. Although I’ve spent much of the last 2 days crying, so have the headache that always hangs around after a proper ugly cry.
I think I might be looking at everything I’m potentially losing through rose tinted glasses. Earlier I thought about Christmas, and how every Christmas Eve, DH and I watch Die Hard, demolish a cheese board and do all the last minute wrapping - how can I be feeling like I want to leave, but feeling so so sad about things like that?
It’s not because I don’t enjoy his company. He’s my best mate. But he doesn’t make me feel special or sexy or loved the way a husband should

As always I feel so much better for posting, thanks so much ladies. @findthecourage that is so sweet of you to say, we will both get there one way or another, no doubt about it xxx

thenewduchessofhastings
STBX may well be in for a shock. What worries me is that I may also be taken by surprise. A number of my friends are puzzled by this dropping the bombshell and then him seemingly doing nothing.
I was completely shocked when he said he wants to split. Since then nothing much has happened. He hasn't told the DC or others as far as I'm aware. I think he blurted it out too soon because I was talking about sorting our wills and finances for the future.
Is he plotting something? Preparing in some way? The driving force for him seems to be to be separate by his retirement in 3 years. What could he be up to? I don't think it's an OW, it's something financial. His salary goes into a joint account. His pension pot is being topped up. His credit card bills are quite high for someone who does little but it's not a significant amount of money.
What have others ex's done in the lead up to divorce?

It’s happened.
We’ve had the conversation. Haven’t told the DCs anything yet, but DH has moved back into the block accommodation on camp, me and the kids are still in the house and he’s been coming back to spend time with them and stay with them while I work evenings.
I’ve found a little house for me and the dcs, waiting on the landlord to agree a move in date in the New Year. Plan is to have Christmas together before we tell the DCs.
Not really sure how I’m feeling to be honest. In a way, I feel 10 stone lighter. My general mood is better, and I’m actually eating properly which I haven’t done for a very long time. But then I have pangs of guilt when it comes to the DCs Such a weird mix of feelings

@SlamLikeAGuitar Well done you !!! So inspired by your courage. I've told H we are separated in my eyes now & asked him to leave. No response, oh except that I have ruined our DS & he's a much happier child when I'm not there. I said we need to sit down with DS together to explain to him about us separating. He said I will tell him what I want, when ai want. I the. Found out the following evening when I got home from work that H told DS "sometimes he thinks he should leave & go live somewhere else". Am so grateful DS told me that same night while having our bed time cuddles. I wanted to go and punch H in the face but remained calm & had to explain to DS that sometimes parents do live in different houses but it's never the child's fault. And that we both love him very much. He seemed to take that in his stride, thankfully. I want to scream I'm so annoyed. Oh & H won't leave. So close to Christmas I feel so drained and at a loss what to do now