AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@findthecourage I’m so sorry that your H is using your child for emotional blackmail that’s disgusting.
My H had a moment of almost slipping into that the other night. I’d got home from work, and as soon as I walked in, he walked out to go back to the block. He then sent me a WhatsApp message, basically telling me that he doesn’t know if he will be able to carry on coming and going from the house while I work because it’s “not healthy” and it’s hurting him. So I said “So you’re essentially telling me I have to quit my job which then fucks me financially when I’m living on my own with the kids” - he then tried to say that it’s my fault I’m in this position anyway and it’s me that’s done this to the kids I think what actually happened, is he’s seen that I’m getting my ducks in a row and the Penny has finally dropped that I’m not coming back to him this time, and his automatic response to that was to go on the offensive.
He seems to have come down from that now and we are back to amicable, friends parenting together and kids are none the wiser just yet.
You’re so brave for having that conversation with your child. I’m dreading it. I’m hoping that after Christmas, I can go along the lines of “Mama and Daddy both love you very much, but we don’t want to live together anymore” and I can hopefully get them excited about our new adventure moving to a new house

@SlamLikeAGuitar thank you so much for responding. I feel like I'm in a fog and cannot see in front of me anymore. Am devastated H has done this to our DS as the sad thing is they absolutely adore each other. This is why I unravel. My life financially will be a huge struggle when we separate & will impact DS but I keep trying to remind myself that this will only get worse, DS is only 8. I'm scared but am trying to dig deep to make the final cut. Christmas really makes it's so difficult. Both my amazing parents have passed away and siblings live in different countries so feel quite alone with the enormity of it all. You must be so proud of yourself for getting your H out. I think I knew deep down when I finally had enough just how difficult it was going to be to be free of my H. Please keep posting as it provides me with some much needed motivation to keep pushing through with it all

@findthecourage I wish I could hug you must be so hard not having that family support. Sorry to hear that you lost your parents
I think I reached the point where I could see nothing was going to change. I’ve been on the brink of leaving 3 times this year, and each time I’ve said we would work on things and give it another go. But I can’t do that anymore. It’s not fair to me, him or the DCs. I was in a foul mood all the time, I wasn’t eating - to the point where my friend’s DH saw me on the school run, went back gone and told his DW “I think you should have a chat with Slam. She’s got so skinny she doesn’t look well” My friend’s DH noticed that and my own H seemingly didn’t.

@SlamLikeAGuitar they really have no idea the impact of their behaviour have they? My H too busy feeling sorry for himself am sure, he hasn't spoken a word to me since August and most communication through text. The only conversation is when he's snapping back at me when I can be bothered to try to engage with him verbally. I have a feeling I'd be already gone if my parents were still alive. The humiliation & shame has kept me here this long. No one wants to admit they are not cherished by their H. 20 odd years we have been together. His behaviour this time is the worst it has ever been. Am close to breaking point for sure. I think I read you are now eating better? I do hope so, self care is so important so we have the strength to deal with all the emotional turmoil. Have never met you but am so so proud of you standing your ground. Gives me hope I will be able to ! Thank the heavens above for this forum !

@lemonmeringue85 How are you doing? Any news?

@findthecourage, @SlamLikeAGuitar well done both of you, you are amazing. I’m determined I will follow your lead and be as brave. Keep going xx

So it has all gone beserk here. Told H I had told my siblings we are separated but living in the sand house and that Christmas would be Santa in the morning together and then I was taking my DS to friends for dinner and remainder of the day. He barged into my bedroom. Saying I never asked him how he was feeling about any of this; he has ignored me for the past 4 months!!!! Then the guilt trip of I was affecting his mental health & he needed to see a Dr ( he never goes to Drs, always refuses). He then said I am working tomorrow but after that I will be having this out with you. I just said I'm done. He said you have changed & I said, yes I have. He said you never want to do anything with me, and I said I don't want to do anything with you, am done. Then the best but; I could have walked out in you when you parents died ( I suffered a depressive episode following their deaths) but I didn't. And look at what you are doing to me now. I am quite anxious now for when he gets home. Going to be major fireworks, am a little scared

Whilst he is out, write everything down you want/need to say to him and have it handy so you don't get distracted.
Remind him that you have tried and tried a d tried to discuss it with him and he has IGNORED you. Stand your ground - he is obviously going to try and turn this to be "all you" but if he had acted like an adult and not a sulky child, you could have discussed and agreed arrangements for Xmas months ago. Stay strong xx

Oh my goodness @findthecourage! I can’t believe he brought your parents deaths into it. It sounds like he’s grasping at straws for things to through back at you. Not nice at all though!

Well done to everyone who has managed to move things forward in any way. I’m in awe of you all. And hang in there to everyone else who, like me, is still plodding along in limbo!

I’m no further forward and still so frustrated that I’m still in this situation. There always seems to be something that convinces me that it’s not the right time and I’d be an awful person to drop this bomb now. Current excuse is Christmas obviously! But then I was saying exactly the same this time last year so I probably just need to get on with it. This would be the 4th time I’ll have raised it though and I just don’t know how to make this time different so that something actually happens and he doesn’t just pretend it’s not happening and carry on with life as it was. He honestly acts like there’s nothing wrong at all, and is super clingy despite the fact I’m always squirming away! I mean the fact that he’s not challenging that at all makes me lose respect for him to be honest. Why isn’t he sticking up for himself or wanting to talk about the fact we have no intimacy and haven’t had sex for over 2 years?
The other day he walked past me in the kitchen and put his hand on my bum and left it there before slowly brushing it past. I moved away and asked him not to do that. He said “why?”, I said “because I don’t want you to”. His reply was “but I want to.” It just makes me so sad, like what I want or feel just doesn’t matter. Maybe I’m just being over dramatic!

All I can think of is how I don’t want to upset anyone. Him, our DC (teenagers), my dad (who adores him), his parents etc. But this isn’t fair on anyone if it isn’t real, is it?

@findthecourage what a low blow from your H
Seems to be a running theme that these men want to pretend the separation isn’t happening, and then when the Penny finally drops, they go on the offensive. My H did the exact same thing.

On a brighter note: the landlord for the house I’ve been enquiring about for me and the DCs has accepted me pending credit and referencing checks! I paid the holding deposit to lock in my application this morning!!

H has asked to talk tomorrow, properly. Don't know how I feel about it. Any advice anyone ?

@findthecourage

H has asked to talk tomorrow, properly. Don't know how I feel about it. Any advice anyone ?

I know that he may want to talk now and I know that you feel like you owe him a conversation, but I think that keeping it short and sweet is the best way to go. Separation is hard and nothing you say will make it easier for him, especially if he is like my ex and is not really listening to what you are saying. Because if they have been listening through out the years, we would not be were we are now, right. Going into too much explanation can weaken your defenses. You need to understand that at this point, he only wants you to drop it, forget about it and move on and he will do everything in his power to do that. But you know that you are past that point, wanting him to change or things to change. You are at the point where you made your decision and nothing he says or does will change that.

Anyway, I would avoid mentioning situations, details, events that happen through out the years, as he would want you to explain each and would probably want to fight each one with his own arguments. Just have a few short and to the point sentences that you would keep repeating to yourself as well as him like a mantra. Something like, "I am not happy. You were not willing to listen, or change. We are done" or whatever is your truth. Because that is the bottom line. Right?

@freeatlast2021 thanks for advice. Talk never happened as he didn't arrange anything for DS. I told H I would not have DS overhear anything. Now H walking around as if the last few months never happened !!!!! I've had to text him to say nothing has changed, while it's better we are civil I meant everything I said about last week.Is he nuts, in denial or trying to break me again (like he used to in the past) Am so frustrated & a ball of anxiety & so fed up with it all

How did it go @findthecourage?

Hi can I join?
Brief overview of the situation been with STBX for 20+ years older teens one younger over 10 ( I have to be vague as my STBX has hacked my mumsnet before)
Been unhappy for years finally got the courage after years of indecision to tell him I want to separate in back in August and since then nothing. He says all the right things but is doing nothing about it. We rent a council house together so I would prefer not to leave as life long tenancy.
I’m now stuck! Was trying to save a rental deposit to get him out but been advised now to stop doing that so my plan is to tell the children this week as one they aren’t stupid and two I can’t bear lying to them anymore by omission, try and get a solicitor and then I’m not sure! anyone have any advice? Xxx

@SlamLikeAGuitar it never happened !!! He didn't organise anything for our DS to enable us to talk properly. I told him no way did I want our DS to overhear. Had to remind him my feelings had not changed at all & although glad we are being civil (he's chatting away as if nothing ever happened) I meant everything I have said over the past 4 months. He did through the mental health card at me, saying he stayed when I had a reactive depression following the death of my parents over 15 years ago & I should do the same !!!!! I cannot even begin to tell you how high my anxiety levels are. Oh he also said he won't leave either. He's back inside my head again & I need to get him out of it. Any tips/ advice gladly welcomed

Oh love I’m sorry he’s making this so difficult.
The only advice I have - because it’s what I’ve been doing - is to remember all the reasons you want out, and keep those at the forefront of your mind. There’s been 3 occasions over the past year where I’ve let my H back in under the pressure of what is essentially emotional blackmail and guilt over breaking up the family unit. And I can’t do that again.
I think he’s finally accepted that this is it, and his idea of “She’ll crack and come running back soon” has been shattered. @findthecourage

@SlamLikeAGuitar bit how can I get him to see this is over. It's almost like he's decided, nope, it will go back to the way it was before. I'm actually terrified I will relent as I really don't want to

Hello everyone, this thread has been very helpful, I wonder how many more of us have been reading, like me, swaying back and forth on my decision to end the marriage and not having the mental energy to join in but appreciative to read other people's stories!

My second marriage, have been together for 17 years, 2 kids together.

To be honest massive problems started from the beginning, but I was very very vulnerable, just out of the break up of my first marriage with young children and stayed on through a mixture of optimism(oh we are just getting used to each other, there's bound to be difficulties) and despair (moved for DH to where I didn't know anyone and didn't own anything and literally had nowhere to go).

Never dive in into a new relationship without having sorted yourself out I'd tell anyone (who was interested :D).

Anyway, DH is not a bad person and I can see he's always tried the best he could, and I even love him as a relative, but he has some mental health issues which result in him getting white hot ANGRY on a regular basis over unexpected and trivial things and also he's just incredibly negative about many things in life in general and slightly paranoid about money, safety etc etc.

We nearly broke up a few times in the past, there was a crisis point but then I got pregnant with our first child together, and in the end we always pulled back on the decision to go our separate ways.

I have spent the last year studying psychology and self-development and having some therapy and I think only through that I have been able to see just how damaging and co-dependant our relationship was, and how unhealthy it was for the kids to witness it as a blueprint for their future relationship(or as something which would convince them to stay single forever!)

It was him who actually initiated the latest separation again (because it's always been him who blew up and suggested divorce as the ultimate solution over the course of many years), but this time I KNEW I'd be better off without him, desperately needed to be by myself to have time to heal, and even though it wasn't clear at all how I'd manage financially it was worth the risk to have the freedom and responsiblity for my own life without constantly being reproached for having a roof over my head through him being the main breadwinner (and hating his job, just one of our issues).

Sorry, tried to put as much as I could in one post so that not to fill up the thread but please create a new one if this one fills up!

Anyway, just wanted to share that one of the most helpful things for me, apart from realising that a very miserable and unhappy mother was worse for my children than staying together for the sake of the children, was imagining that I knew for sure I only had 20/10/5 years to live. What would I do then? Because ultimately none of us know how long we have, and imagining a certain limited lifespan helps bring your true wishes into focus.

For me the idea of living the last years of my life in this situation was just completely unbearable, and I knew I had my answer and I had to act. I don't even dismiss the idea that through a separation and if DH went to a psychiatrist or therapist we could eventually get back together, but I didn't want to be even another few months in a situation where somebody regularly screams blue murder at me because a switch in their brain has flipped. (then he apologises and is deeply ashamed of himself etc but the repeating experience of it is just plain damaging even if you know clearly it's nothing to do with you as a person and just the other side's MH issue)

I know for those of you who didn't have regular verbal abuse in their relationship my decision might seem easy, but it hasn't been easy at all. Also we did have sexual chemistry throughout our marriage, probably a big factor in getting us together in the first place. When we didn't have sex for some periods it would be because DH was very depressed and didn't want to, but for me it was difficult because he didn't show affection in other ways (cuddles, presents etc). He thinks him just earning money and mowing the lawn or doing DIY was "showing love".

I think it's much easier to separate when you can't contemplate the idea of sleeping with your DH any more (which happened in my first marriage). I have been reading a bit incredulous about how some of you go for years without having sex :(, it makes life so much more vibrant having somebody in it who wants you...

Anyway, we've been in the same house but living separately for about 2.5 months now, told the kids(primary school age) about 3 weeks ago and they took it much better than we expected, not surprised at all for sure.
For both of us it was heartbreaking that we'd have to lose the house of our dreams to separate, best house we ever had by a long shot and we haven't lived here long, but neither of us can afford to buy each other out, so we'd both be downgrading our life in terms of housing/finances which DH is very very bitter about...we are putting the house on the market after New year and fingers crossed we both can find something, having a chain where we both need to buy a new property not too far away from schools etc is a bit overwhelming...DH is determined to have the children half of the time, which is heartbreaking for me and what stopped me from going through with it before but now I just feel they are a bit older to cope without me and on balance it'd still be better than living like we have been...

@hereyougoagain Again, sorry you’re in this situation, but welcome to this safe space!

I feel like I’ve kept it together so far. I’ve pulled my big girl pants up and put on my bravest of faces in order to cause as little upset for my DCs as possible (they still don’t know DH and I are separating, they just think daddy is working an awful lot lately which is why he’s been coming and going so much), but I had a bit of a wobble this morning My eldest DD is 6, and she went in her book bag on the school playground this morning and whipped out a photo of me and DH from about 10 years ago that she’d robbed off the fridge. As much as I know DH and I are no longer in love with eachother in the romantic sense, and that separating is what’s best for both of us, I can’t help but feel like this decision is going to blow the DCs world into a billion pieces, and I can’t bear it

Hello everyone, after posting many pages upthread, I've continued to follow this thread and have been encouraged by hearing all of your stories. I thought I'd send an update in the hope that it might help others and also in the hope that people further along on this journey might reassure me.
Together with DH 20+ years, 2 preteen children. DH is a kind loyal man but I haven't felt an emotional connection for years. Sometimes this is just fine - we amble along companionable and work well as a coparenting team. Sometimes it is unbearably lonely and boring.
So the new development is that, after a few weeks of couples counselling, I think he's finally hearing what I've been trying to tell him for so long about the lack of connection. He is furious and hurt and I feel awful seeing him in so much pain that I feel I have caused.
I come very close, many times a day, to trying to take it all back. Maybe bumbling along companionably isn't so bad.
To paraphrase a novel I read recently: Exactly how much happiness can we reasonably expect? Is contentment enough? What about excitement, a deep soul connection?
I worry that i am just being unrealistic.
Thank you for reading. I hope this resonates with people.

@lemonmeringue85 How are you doing? You have not posted in a while.

Hey everyone, could really do with some support 😕 so we’ve moved along a little. A few brief conversations about where we’re going, a possible split. But tonight it came to a bit more of a head. H said I’ve been treating him like shit for months, he’s been depressed for months, and basically I’m an awful person. I can’t disagree with that, I know he has a valid point. I know I’ve been so focused on not wanting to appear as all is well, or we’d carry on in this limbo forever more. So yes, I have not treated him well. I’ve held my hands up to that and apologised. I know that’s not enough, but I don’t know what else I can do.
He then went on to call me a horrible name and accuse me of cheating, I shut this down straight away. I’ll concede what I’m guilty of, but I won’t put up with that.
So he says he’s gone in the new year, and that’s that.
In some ways I feel a massive sense of relief, I am also scared he’ll wake up tomorrow and act like nothings happened. I’m also worried about a horrible atmosphere in front of the children.
I knew this was coming, and I knew it would never be easy, but I feel awful for causing someone so much pain. Don’t really know what to do now xxx