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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal Maintenance

274 replies

RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:28

STBXH and I separated 7 years ago after 7 years together (5 years cohabiting 2 years married). We have one son.

When we separated I was working full time and able to pay my rent etc, however due to his emotional abuse towards me I had a breakdown 2 years later and was no longer able to work. It has been 4 years, and I am still not able to work. He is resident parent of our son due to my mh problems, and lives in a lovely 3 bed house that he owns with his new partner who he has had a baby with.

He claims child benefit even though he earns too much to actually get the money paid to him. Him not allowing me to claim child benefit has meant that I am not eligible for some housing benefits and I am essentially poor, I live hand to mouth so that I can keep a two bedroom flat, with my son having his own room. I have my son every other weekend.

He is now asking me to sign a clean break order before our divorce is finalised. I have requested a lump sum in return for signing due to my financial hardship, but he is refusing and threatening me with court.

If this does go to court, what are my chances of achieving spousal maintenance or a lump sum? Does anyone have any kind of experience of divorce after a long separation?

I am ineligible for legal aid.

I am so grateful in advance for any help at all.

OP posts:
Misty9 · 31/12/2020 12:52

And as far as I know, form E is just for financial information. There's nothing to describe behaviour on there. And the courts really aren't interested anyway.

Choice4567 · 31/12/2020 12:52

But you don’t get help for food from your EXH because your son isn’t living with you. Same as you don’t get child benefit because he doesn’t live with you. You can’t get financial support for your son because you’d LIKE him to live with you

I’m afraid your not entitled to anything.

ChristmasUserName2020 · 31/12/2020 12:55

It was a short marriage and there’s no real proof that he was the cause of your breakdown as you had it two years later. Sorry to sound harsh. If you were to get anything at all, I think you’d be lucky to get something until your child leaves full time education and that’s it. The judge will probably say that the CHB has to go to you so you can get other benefits and then maybe you can consider a job Flowers

KnobJockey · 31/12/2020 12:56

I'm sorry you are suffering mentally OP, that must make it hard for you to move on.

Legally, the judge will not care that you lived together for 5 years before marrying.
Legally, he won't care that you are suffering emotional abuse, as it has nothing to do with the financial situation.
Legally, he will not care that ex is now better off and you are worse off, as he has achieved that after your legal seperation.
Legally, he may care that in the 2 years you were married, ex put some money in a pension. You also put some money in a pension. He will add those two together, take off the legal fees or cost to work that out. He will then probably split it in the exes favour, as he has custody now.
You are likely to end up worse off than receiving that small lump sum, as you may lose some of your pension.
He won't read your petition and think- this woman has been treated badly, I'll give her something extra. He will so exactly what he is legally bound to do- look at the facts. Plus whatever you are writing, your ex is writing about you too, and he is backed up by social services.

If you really are too I'll to work, fair enough. But in that case, look for somewhere smaller, sleep on the sofa and give your son your bed once a fortnight, and start trying to work at making your life better in other ways.

Dwelling on this will only hurt you. It is having absolutely NO detrimental effect on your ex.

BringPizza · 31/12/2020 12:56

@RosieWosieWoo

His lump sum offer was made to insult me. It would just about cover one monthly food bill.
You're a single person with a child 2 weekends a month, living on the poverty line, so I make that offer to be around £100 (being generous).

In the kindest way, I think you need to gather yourself and move on. You separated 7 years ago and you are desperately clinging onto this man. Finding work would give you a sense of purpose and of self-worth. If you can volunteer then you can work. It doesn't matter if you don't clear more than being on benefits to start with, you need to take back control of your life and stop convincing yourself you need to be dependent on your ex. You will be strong and happy again Flowers

bluebluezoo · 31/12/2020 12:57

So explain:

You should be paying him Child maintenance.

But you want spousal maintenance.

Do you really think a court will award you spousal maintenance and not expect you to pay your CM out of it?

You and your ex will be no different financially, and the only ones who come out ahead are the lawyers.

I think posters have gone easy on you tbh. If you were a bloke not paying CM and trying to go after your ex for Child benefit and money, not attempting to get a job, you'd have had your arse handed to you...

ChristmasUserName2020 · 31/12/2020 12:57

Sorry, missed the bit about him being RP of the child. You won’t get the CHB but I think you know that.

millymollymoomoo · 31/12/2020 12:59

But your son doesn’t live with you....

You can make a claim
But that will be based on length of marriage
Assets available
Time elapsed since separation
Needs of children

Money / assets usually follow the children

In a short marriage ( even 7 years) with long time since separation, little assets at time of separation, your chance of success, particularly re spousal support is probably highly unlikely to be successful
The basic premise is to try to sever financial ties and the expectation is you become financially independent , particularly if you are young.

I would suggest you focus your energies on this rather than pursuing a costly claim that is most likely not going to deliver what you want

piggywiggy123 · 31/12/2020 13:01

I think anyone who had been so emotionally worn down and abused to the point of a severe MH crisis that has affected you to the point it was ruled a child should be placed in the Dads care would surely want a clean break divorce? No idea how you can start to heal if you still want to be married to him?

Surely cutting ties now could be the start of the rest of your life. Get back into nursing which is a fantastic career and work your way back to having your son.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2020 13:02

The only advice I think uou can be given op is prepare to loose the offer of the lump sum.

Secondly you need to get your argument straight. You cannot argue you need money to provide for a son you don’t have custody of. In any event that would be child maintenance not spousal.

You’ve continually changed your story as to why you want money throughout this thread, from him being wealthy and you being “destitute” and how his partner is provided for so you as “his wife” should be. Now you’ve moved to you wish to provide for a son a court has ordered you not to provide for. That provision is being given wholly via the father, you simply need to feed him twice a month when he visits.

It seems you just want money, you need to own that. You’re not entitled to his money becayse he married you nearly a decade ago and it lasted two years. You’re not entitled to his money because in your view he was abusive. As said, the law isn’t punitive in this. You need to accept that.

Right now it reads you’re trying to extort money from him in return for the decree absolute. You even want the child benefit. A court isn’t going to find in your favour, it comes across terribly.

polkadotpixie · 31/12/2020 13:06

You've got zero chance OP. If anything you should be paying him in the form of child maintenance. If you're not willing to pay then I wouldn't piss him off

Cotti · 31/12/2020 13:06

Reverse surely?

Iwonder08 · 31/12/2020 13:09

OP, you need to move on and embrace responsibility for your own life and mental health. He doesn't owe you any financial support. Be grateful he is not asking you to pay any child maintenance given he is a resident parent

Oldbutstillgotit · 31/12/2020 13:10

Cotti

Reverse surely?

I am beginning to think the same given another thread I have just read .

FrippEnos · 31/12/2020 13:11

You have been separated 7 yrs you won't get spousal and you won't get any inheritance after that length of time.

Shmithecat2 · 31/12/2020 13:11

@Cotti

Reverse surely?

Possibly. It had crossed my mind. There are some other threads posted the past few days that would appear to be from the exh/exh dp, with similar user names 🤔

Throwntothewolves · 31/12/2020 13:14

I'm sorry for your situation OP and I hope you have the support for your health that you need. But you're on a hiding to nothing with this. No court will award spousal maintenance in your circumstances, and I believe it would be extremely unlikely even if you were the resident parent. You claim it's about providing for your child while simultaneously saying it's to get you back on your feet (see the comment about claiming child benefit to increase your entitlement to other benefits). The best advice I can give would be to stop thinking he owes you anything and start taking responsibility for yourself. Be the best parent you can be and take it from there. Don't start a court battle because you could lose what little you have and are entitled to in the way of time with your child and finances. It's time to move on and rebuild your life. I wish you luck

DillonPanthersTexas · 31/12/2020 13:23

I am not a money grabber. I don't care about money. But I do care that I should have a fair chance to provide for my son

You provide for your son by returning to paid employment.

Pissoffbikes · 31/12/2020 13:23

@Shmithecat2
What were the other threads?

Misty9 · 31/12/2020 13:27

I'm starting to think this is a reverse too. So I'll stop putting efforts into it and pay my dc some attention!

bluebluezoo · 31/12/2020 13:28

I am not a money grabber. I don't care about money. But I do care that I should have a fair chance to provide for my son

You son is provided for by his dad.

Why should his dad be expected to provide for you, so you can provide for a son he’s already providing for?

You are expecting your ex to provide. That is not you providing.

If you can’t provide for yourself, how will you provide for your child?

You providing is going out and getting a job, and paying Cm to start. Changes in residency shouldn’t be discussed until you can at least do that.

DunravenBadger · 31/12/2020 13:31

OP you really won't get anything and you do not need a financial settlement for a divorce. When DH and his ex divorced, they didn't get a clean break order - they both just wanted the divorce done and neither of them had any money or assets anyway (no pension, house etc.) It was only years later they did the clean break order and despite sharing their financial information and DH doing substantially better since the divorce, neither party was awarded anything.

Don't drag it out just for the sake of it. It will affect your mental health, don't you want to move on? Nursing is a fantastic career. Focus on getting yourself better and getting back into a good job. I've had incredibly bad mental health (partly due to an abusive ex) and managed to pull myself back up so I know it's not easy but you can do it! Don't rely on an ex who owes you nothing. You owe it to yourself and your son to get back on your own two feet.

Shmithecat2 · 31/12/2020 13:33

@Pissoffbikes

This one and this one...

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 31/12/2020 13:38

I’m sorry you’ve had a breakdown, issues with your ex and your son now living with his dad.
Lots of people have told you that you’re very unlikely to get anything financially from your ex. You’re actually giving him more ammunition to control and attack you. My advice would be to get the divorced finalised and move on. Focussing on yourself and your son

Clutterbugsmum · 31/12/2020 13:39

Unfortunately you aren't entitled to any money from you Exh. But you do have a responsibility to support your son.

I can say from personal experience my parents met when they were 13/14 married at 18/19 and were married for 30 years by the time they divorced and my mum was either a SAHP, worked PT and then eventually FT after the separation and she was awarded 5p per year as spousal maintenance and that was just she could have claimed more if her circumstances changed.

You need to find away to get on with your life and not expect your Ex to continue to support.

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