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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal Maintenance

274 replies

RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:28

STBXH and I separated 7 years ago after 7 years together (5 years cohabiting 2 years married). We have one son.

When we separated I was working full time and able to pay my rent etc, however due to his emotional abuse towards me I had a breakdown 2 years later and was no longer able to work. It has been 4 years, and I am still not able to work. He is resident parent of our son due to my mh problems, and lives in a lovely 3 bed house that he owns with his new partner who he has had a baby with.

He claims child benefit even though he earns too much to actually get the money paid to him. Him not allowing me to claim child benefit has meant that I am not eligible for some housing benefits and I am essentially poor, I live hand to mouth so that I can keep a two bedroom flat, with my son having his own room. I have my son every other weekend.

He is now asking me to sign a clean break order before our divorce is finalised. I have requested a lump sum in return for signing due to my financial hardship, but he is refusing and threatening me with court.

If this does go to court, what are my chances of achieving spousal maintenance or a lump sum? Does anyone have any kind of experience of divorce after a long separation?

I am ineligible for legal aid.

I am so grateful in advance for any help at all.

OP posts:
Dowermouse · 31/12/2020 12:15

You have my deepest sympathies OP, what he's put you through sounds absolutely brutal. Have you found the charity Rights of Women? Gingerbread is another one.
Have you concidered how any cash payments at this point might affect your benefit entitlement? A percentage of his pension entitlement may be more realistic, as well as beneficial in the long term.
I hope you find the solution to this and 2021 is a turning point for you x

Fuckstickss · 31/12/2020 12:15

2 years of marriage is considered very short. The 5 years before that living together won't be considered as much as you may want it to.

Sorry op, there's no change of SM.

What was the lump sum he offered? I'd seriously consider taking it. For such a short marriage and with no assets you may be awarded even less than that if you pursued it to court.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2020 12:18

@Dowermouse

You have my deepest sympathies OP, what he's put you through sounds absolutely brutal. Have you found the charity Rights of Women? Gingerbread is another one. Have you concidered how any cash payments at this point might affect your benefit entitlement? A percentage of his pension entitlement may be more realistic, as well as beneficial in the long term. I hope you find the solution to this and 2021 is a turning point for you x
She hasn’t actually described what he put her through an there is no chance she will get any of his pension, she’s more likely to sprout wings and fly to the moon. Leading someone with mental health issues into believing something that’s impossible is possible is not helpful.

Two years married seven years ago. A judge won’t even give her the lump sum he is offering her to make her stop.

PerhapsOverlyWorried · 31/12/2020 12:19

With respect OP, but you seem to have discussed adult matters at length with your young child who isn’t anywhere near mature enough to be able to deal with him. You put him in the position of having to comfort and assure you that he’ll choose you over his dad - that’s way out of order. He’s a child and shouldn’t have to deal with anything other than knowing both parents love him and want what’s best for him, and if that’s living with his dad because his mum is too mentally ill to care for him then you should fully support that. Think about what’s best for your child, not you. He doesn’t care about money, he cares about his mum being well and you focusing on screwing your ex over financially isn’t what’s best for him and isn’t what’s going to help you get well again. Focus on yourself, including looking long and hard at your failings so you know how to avoid them happening again.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 12:19

How can I message you privately @Fuckstickss?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/12/2020 12:19

Op, actually you do understand that when it goes to court he will withdraw the lump sum offer and you’ll get nothing at all right?

PerhapsOverlyWorried · 31/12/2020 12:20

*deal with them, not deal with him

ArnoldBee · 31/12/2020 12:20

He's 9 years old. He needs shelter, food and water. More importantly he needs his mothers love which costs nothing.

ScottishStottie · 31/12/2020 12:21

You dont need money for your son though. He lives with your ex amd you pay no maintanance....

madcatladyforever · 31/12/2020 12:28

I have a severe mental health condition OP and I'm on psychiatric drugs for life but I hold down a responsible NHS job very well.
You cannot use mental health as an excuse not to work forever, on the right medication you should be able to return to work after all this time.
It rather sounds like you don't want to get better so you don't have to pay maintenance and you are angling for what you can take him for.
It isn't healthy to live like this at all.
You are very unlikely to get anything much after two years of marriage when you are not the resident parent, people sign clean break orders to protect their finances after divorce or it can just go on and on.
Get a free half hour with a solicitor and go and see citizens advice, nobody on here can advise you without knowing all of the financial circumstances but half an hour with a solicitor should be enough.
You don't have to sign a clean break order unless you want to, you can just leave it.

Notchangednametoday · 31/12/2020 12:28

So the money will go to pay solicitor fees and not your son at all.
Your son will likely not want much to do with you. Trust me my husband and daughters want little or nothing to do with his bitter mother.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 31/12/2020 12:30

FFS - as soon as someone mentions inheritance you are on that like a rabid dog. I think the point being made was that you are obviously after money and one poster was wondering if there had been a trigger like inheritance to make you think about all this now, all these years on.

The reality is that any inheritance is nothing to do with you. At all. Nada. What on earth would make you think differently? Seriously, I think you need to get a grip.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 12:31

I have not explained myself well and I apologise.

I am not a money grabber. I don't care about money. But I do care that I should have a fair chance to provide for my son.

I also have physical health issues, and am due a surgery that has repeatedly been cancelled because of covid.

I am simply wanting the chance to get back on my feet and get my son back, and this is my opportunity.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 12:33

@Notchangednametoday my son and I are extremely close, and he would much rather be with me. He gets extremely upset when he has to go and I know he cries himself to sleep. It has been devastating for both of us. I am supportive of his relationship with his father, but I will not condone the way he has treated me.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 12:35

His lump sum offer was made to insult me. It would just about cover one monthly food bill.

OP posts:
NewYearHere20 · 31/12/2020 12:35

The reason I feel I am entitled to money is because I need it for my SON,
But your son lives with his father for most of the time?? If anything you should be paying him maintenance - not the other way around.

You have already said there were no assets at the time of your separation. What exactly do you think you are entitled to part of?
As I said in previous post, half of nothing - is nothing. Several people on this thread have pointed out how unlikely spousal maintenance would be. I really think you need to drop this - go ahead and get divorced. Let your ex and yourself begin to build a new life concentrate on that - not what caused your separation 7 years ago.

Shmithecat2 · 31/12/2020 12:37

@RosieWosieWoo

@Shmithecat2 not that I know of, his grandparents all passed away a long time ago and his parents are only in their 60's, is this something I should be asking?

Er, no. I just wondered if that's what you were dragging all this out for.

Misty9 · 31/12/2020 12:42

Pp have said most of what can be said on this matter, but I'd be very careful involving pensions if yours is an NHS one. Mine is too and was worth the same as my exh pension - who'd been paying into his twice as long! So we disregarded pensions and split the assets of house, car and business accordingly.

My exh is a higher earner and we agreed spousal for two years so I could re enter my profession and get on my feet. That will end soon and my income will drop dramatically, but it's his money not mine. Just because we have dc does not mean he owes me anything. He'll ensure their lives are equal in the two homes we provide if necessary, but although we are still technically married I have no claim on his earnings and nor would I want to.

Viviennemary · 31/12/2020 12:46

I felt some sympathy when I first posted but now you are sounding well hard work. What exactly do you want from him. What would be enough. You say he's offered a months food shopping so that w ould be under £1k presumably. Which is a paltry sum in the grand scheme of things. There is little or no chance he will be forced to support you financially.

notapizzaeater · 31/12/2020 12:48

But this isn't your opportunity? He's not living with dad because of finances only, you need to get your MH better, stop hanging onto this and let go.

Shmithecat2 · 31/12/2020 12:48

I deserve to be able to provide my child with the things he needs, I have had to beg to my family to help me with Christmas.

But if you're getting this money from your exh, it's not you providing, is it? It's your exh, and as resident parent, he already does that with NO financial help from you at all. Can you not see how no judge will sign off what you want?

I will indulge you though - how much does he earn? What do you want from him wrt spousal, and does he have it to give?

Misty9 · 31/12/2020 12:48

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@Notchangednametoday my son and I are extremely close, and he would much rather be with me. He gets extremely upset when he has to go and I know he cries himself to sleep. It has been devastating for both of us. I am supportive of his relationship with his father, but I will not condone the way he has treated me. [/quote]
This is very sad and worrying. For your son. You really need to try and separate the two things, no matter how much you hate your ex, he's your son's father. Children who have one parent hate the other are often extremely conflicted about their own identity - after all, both parents created them.

Full custody wouldn't have been awarded without cafcass. Have you seen the reports?

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/12/2020 12:49

I am simply wanting the chance to get back on my feet and get my son back, and this is my opportunity.
I'm afraid the courts aren't going to award you any money OP, your best chance of getting back on your feet would be to focus on your health, your life and your work prospects. Chasing your STBExH for nothing is a waste of your time and prescious energy and it will do zero to improve your relationship with your son.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/12/2020 12:50

You keep saying the law is on your side. Financial matters don't work like that. It is a simple division of marital assets OF WHICH THERE ARE NONE. There is literally nothing you are going to get from this. The Court are really not interested is behaviour. Please listen to me, I've been there and done it!!

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2020 12:51

Op are you able to see how Illogical this is? How is taking money off his father enabling you to provide for a son you do not have custody of? Are you suggesting you then give it back to the father as maintenance?

Also is your son crying himself to sleep when he stays with you.?

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