Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal Maintenance

274 replies

RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:28

STBXH and I separated 7 years ago after 7 years together (5 years cohabiting 2 years married). We have one son.

When we separated I was working full time and able to pay my rent etc, however due to his emotional abuse towards me I had a breakdown 2 years later and was no longer able to work. It has been 4 years, and I am still not able to work. He is resident parent of our son due to my mh problems, and lives in a lovely 3 bed house that he owns with his new partner who he has had a baby with.

He claims child benefit even though he earns too much to actually get the money paid to him. Him not allowing me to claim child benefit has meant that I am not eligible for some housing benefits and I am essentially poor, I live hand to mouth so that I can keep a two bedroom flat, with my son having his own room. I have my son every other weekend.

He is now asking me to sign a clean break order before our divorce is finalised. I have requested a lump sum in return for signing due to my financial hardship, but he is refusing and threatening me with court.

If this does go to court, what are my chances of achieving spousal maintenance or a lump sum? Does anyone have any kind of experience of divorce after a long separation?

I am ineligible for legal aid.

I am so grateful in advance for any help at all.

OP posts:
Madvixen · 31/12/2020 10:14

OP, the absolute can be granted even without the financial order being in place. I really don't think he is the one being the bully. He clearly wants to move on and he's trying to facilitate that.
I appreciate that you feel hard done by and that you should be getting more out of him but, in such a short marriage, there is not going to be anything there for you to take. You won't get spousal maintenance and you may want to consider his offer of a lump sum

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2020 10:18

Op, as long as you can recognise that all that’s happening is you are dragging it out. As said, the judge is not interested in what he put uou through in the two years you were married, the law isn’t punitive in divorce orders, It is simply about what you are entitled to, which will be nothing.

For your own sake you should stop fighting it, it’s been seven years now, you were only married for two.

Yes technically legally you can do this, but clearly it’s not in the spirit of the law. He is not bullying you in this context, his approach is right in finalising this now, it is uou bullying him, in trying to withhold completion to gain money.

Ending this is the right thing for all of you. However I don’t think you’ll let go until a judge orders it, 😞

ivfbeenbusy · 31/12/2020 10:22

If anything it's you that is bullying him. You had been separated 2 years before you had your breakdown so he can't be held solely responsible for that since you were no longer together and it's been another 4 years since. You don't share responsibility or custody of your child and complain you can't get child benefit because he claims it. You are the bully in this situation and it will just come across to a judge that you want to drain the man out of money so you can continue to not bother working

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 31/12/2020 10:24

OP are you aware that financial matters don't need to be sorted before the divorce goes through? Seems not Hmm

Read what you have written. You do yourself no favours, you are showing yourself to be greedy and spiteful. I pity him and his partner. I think the cause of the problem is very clear.

No wonder it was such a short marriage. I'd love to hear his side.

Designateddiver · 31/12/2020 10:32

I don't see how him pursuing the divorce is him being a bully. You may have justifiable reasons for stating he was/is abusive but saying he is a bully for thst is not one. Focus on your mental health not him, you are the only one who can get better, fixating on the past is not healthy or helping you

Asilisa76 · 31/12/2020 10:39

Glad someone picked up on that bit!

notapizzaeater · 31/12/2020 10:51

It's not bullying saying he's applying fir the absolute ?

Are you still getting support for your MH? Have you discussed this with them. You need to let go and start rebuilding your life. The best way to show him is to get better.

Fuckstickss · 31/12/2020 10:51

Sorry op, there's a 0.000001% chance of any kind of spousal.

It's very rare in the uk as it is, and unless you were married 20+ years and he's a millionaire then it just doesn't happen.

NYNY211 · 31/12/2020 10:55

@Amira19

Youre motivation is money here and how much you can get not increasing contact with youre child. You sound like you want to punish him and are bitter. Plenty of woman are cheated on end up depressed however they move out crave a future for themselves and there child. Youre still stood in the past 7 years on and it isn't healthy a judge won't award you what youre not entitled to op. I dont know how you are going to pursue anything if you have no money of a solicitor.
This.
CheesePleaseLoueese · 31/12/2020 11:01

@RosieWosieWoo

As I understand it, as we never signed any kind of financial order when we separated and aren't even divorced yet I am entitled to claim against his assets, and when filling in the form E I will be able to detail his behaviour towards me. There are plenty of examples of ex husbands being pursued 10 even 20 years down the line by ex wives. The law is on my side here.
You're entitled to make a claim but by no means entitled (or likely in my view) to be awarded anything once that claim is heard by the Court...

I'm sorry OP.

Get better. Focus on the future and better things

NewYearHere20 · 31/12/2020 11:02

Sorry to hear you've had a rough time @RosieWosieWoo, I'm glad that you are getting help for your MH issues from a GP and counselling.

However - your husband is not responsible for your current financial situation. You may believe he is responsible for your MH issues and therefore your inability to work - but the hard truth of it is - after 7 years separated there wont be a judge in the is land who would agree he needs to support you now.

You've mentioned a couple of times that you had no assets when you separated - so I can't see why you think he should now pay you a lump sum. He can't give you half of nothing? You both had pensions - maybe you paid into them for differing lengths of time but I think any calculations would be based on when you separated 7 years ago - so from what you've said it doesn't sound like either pension would be worth a huge amount anyway.

I think after 5 years or more of separation you can divorce without agreement from the respondent, so trying to stop the divorce is likely to be a waste of time.

Sorry OP - I hope you can begin working on yourself and build a better life for yourself from now on. Flowers

movingonup20 · 31/12/2020 11:09

I get spousal but exh earns over £100k, we were married over 20 years and I didn't work because I raised our disabled dd - even then it's a private arrangement because the court would prefer we arranged a clean break. The reality is you won't get spousal support, what you instead need to do is work on your health and then consider increasing child access

napody · 31/12/2020 11:18

@Crazycrazylady

Honestly Op, you have zero chance of spousal maintenance. That's rare and only granted after very long relationships (years and years) where one party had clearly sacrificed career , earnings etc to support a partner and it's normally only ever awarded for a set amount of time. Please don't rack up large legal bills pursuing this. What you are entitled to is a share of his pension for the years ye were married and likewise he is entitled to half of yours for the same period. The fact that he has sole custody and you don't pay any child support though may complicate matters and move to things to a non 50 .50 split in his favour.
This. Plus even if you were paying into your NHS pension for a shorter period, they are often more generous than private in terms of employer contributions so there might not be a huge difference and be swallowed by legal bills as crazycrazylady said.

That's great you are volunteering especially from home. You really have something to build on. Try not to get too fixated on work impacting your benefits....in the long term it will be far far better to start building up although I understand you can't manage full time now.

It must be heartbreaking to not live with your child, but at least he has a stable base and you have space to work on your life and mental health. Really hope things improve. I think letting go of these expectations on your ex (and feeling bitter about his new partner) is key to a more empowered 2021....

freeingNora · 31/12/2020 11:22

So don't sign anything a clean break can't be settled or signed until after the divorce is final then the financial settlement is reached. Who is divorcing who and if I were you I'd check legal aid because your marriage essentially ended due to domestic abuse of you sought support from a domestic abuse charity they could write you a letter and as would your gp.

Please contact legal rights of women but don't sign anything with your ex until you do It was relatively short marriage so you'll likely get little in way of a settlement but you are entitled to something. Don't let him bully you out of anything

Crazycrazylady · 31/12/2020 11:23

Op
Sign the order.. you have nothing to gain by being difficult. You've been separated for years , this is just a box ticking exercise at this stage.
I'm sorry but your MH issues are skewing your judgement here. A judge won't care about how he behaved during your short marriage that was over years ago and it doesn't change what your entitled to (which is pretty much nothing) and it's unlikely you'll even get the chance to vent to him in the first place. Concentrate on trying to get well so you can get a job and move on with your life . Your ex has and being bitter will gain you nothing .

Notchangednametoday · 31/12/2020 11:46

Through all of this why is your main concern not to get your mental health to a good state and a healthy relationship with your son...

My husband parents divorced 42 years ago - his father had an affair and left. His mother has spent the last 42 years as a bitter lady. She is now a lonely old lady with a low contact relationship with her son. It’s sad and a waste of a life.

The way you are sounding it’s like you both where emotionally abuses in the marriage - you do not come out of this by what your saying any other way.

If you continue on this path of GRABBING money that is what your son will remember- especially if he is seeing the family unit he lives within suffer the stress. You may forever loose your son.
What’s actually important- get well, get a job and be a functional parent to your son.

Shmithecat2 · 31/12/2020 11:55

@RosieWosieWoo

Is your exh due inheritance in the near future?

Perfect28 · 31/12/2020 11:56

I'm sorry but I think it's ridiculous that you expect your ex of 7 years to financially support you.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 12:05

@freeingNora I am the petitioner, I started the divorce on the grounds of 2 years separation as I just wanted it over and done with. Women's aid have been supportive and I have a letter from my GP and will apply for legal aid. I will not sign a single thing. He will have to take me to court.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 12:06

Everyone is saying it's a short marriage but we were together for 7 years and lived together for 5 of those

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 31/12/2020 12:09

@RosieWosieWoo, as you have said yourself, there were no assets. What are you waiting for him to offer you? What does he have to give?

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2020 12:10

Op, you say you’re registered mentally disabled. Are you willing to discuss what your diagnosis is? Potentially what it is is stopping uou seeing clearly what is happening here and accepting the situation, but it is not possible to tell without further information.

I think it’s clear you won’t let go of this marriage till a judge orders it. No matter how much pain it costs for everyone involved, but it’s hard to tel if this is due to a need for money, a desire for revenge, or mental health issues.

He will get his court order, I think you know that, but yes, legally you can drag it out and force him to make a judge order it.

When it’s done though, which it will be in the coming months, what then?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 12:11

The reason I feel I am entitled to money is because I need it for my SON, this is not about me wanting to make a quick buck so I can go clothes shopping or on a piss up, I deserve to be able to provide my child with the things he needs, I have had to beg to my family to help me with Christmas.

@Shmithecat2 not that I know of, his grandparents all passed away a long time ago and his parents are only in their 60's, is this something I should be asking?

OP posts:
Notsure2020 · 31/12/2020 12:13

Ffs your ex will have to pay legal fees for a case you won't win, he will be wasting money that could be spent on your son

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2020 12:13

But op, your son lives with his father, he has custody and your son is provided for by his father, you only habe visitation every other weekend. Other than a small Xmas and birthday present, what more do you need to provide?