Court hearing updates

[Chumpnomore]

Hi, don't want to be all doom and gloom but I know it's useful for others to have up to date information when available if going through the court process.
I had a directions hearing today. The judge personally dialled me and my solicitor and stbx/solicitor and we had a five way call.
The judge said courts were running on a skeleton staff and had no idea when anyone would be back in court.
He said we might have to have a FDR by phone.
Anyway, thought might be useful if people waiting for news. Expect delays.

[Chumpnomore]

@rammingspeed good to hear from you and your experiences.
I can't see him being able to make a claim on your pension without disclosing his. I guess you have considered a pension actuary to help work out what the pensions are actually worth?
Im really interested in hearing more about your video hearing. I heard today that my FDR will be by video and although relieved I won't have to see my ex in court, i do wonder how a judge really can make a proper assessment.
Whats your next step? Must be incredibly difficult doing it without legal representation. Hats off to you!

[Rammingspeed]

Hi Chumpnomore.
There lies the problem everyone knows what my pensions are. I complied at the FDA. Ex didn’t. I will only know if he has really instructed an actuary if and when they ask me for further details. Some I don’t think they will. I gave my financial life story in the form E two years ago.
My hearing was by telephone. Judge had information from the other side that was not given exchanged with me before hand. Was told final hearing will be in January. No date as yet. Would really prefer a face to face hearing. Next step is waiting for ex to either instruct the pensions expert or if he’s done that, to wait to see what the pensions expert have come up with. So far representing myself hasn’t been too bad just correcting a lot of lies!

[Cherrypie3456]

@Chumpnomore @WhiteWriting @Momentumneeded @goldwrapped @AustinRd
Hi everyone! And to all you other lovely ladies. Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

I've just been catching up , sorry I missed these updates.
I'm stunned to see my last post was in summer, where I said we were nearly at the end ( slightly different story for me - have tried to get it done via solicitors and consent order) . I too am no further along. It's a complete shit show - and we have come full circle and are having the same argument as we were 6 months ago- but let me fill in some gaps.
Our financials are all agreed, have been for months. "Concluded agreement" on that part.
But
He refused to agree to my maintenance proposal, so we went by CMS calculation.
He then refused to pay maintenance and refused to pay any of kids activities ( gymnastics, swimming) etc and refused to pay childcare.
Then he did pay , then he didn't, then it was half the activities, half the childcare, just so much faffing and fighting every month that I went to CMS so I didn't have to deal with him.
He then pushed for 50/50 shared care thinking he wouldn't have to pay anything - which has totally back fired because actually he does!

However to get the order finalised I cancelled the application as I didn't want it to go against him been able to remortgage and pay me out ( we are still waiting on a decision if he even can buy me out because been self employed , and covid and all that crap) so we have settled on half activities and each pay own childcare.
Fine.
But he ( who earns 3x me) has sent back these conditions to "safeguard himself"

• all the contents in our former home are all his unless he says otherwise- fine CBA with that.
  
• shared care agreement , each pay own childcare costs, he pays half activities - fine I just want it done!
  Then * if I go to CMS I have to give him 2 x child benefit , and I have to pay his childcare costs !!
  Is he deluded. So we are back to square one because obvs I'm not signing that.
  I am so effing frustrated with all this shite.
  So if he won't take that last statement out- my only option ( I think - anyone any other ideas?)
  Is to reopen cms - I would be better off financially doing that anyway !
  So then don't have to deal with him , he can't not pay. But also can't make me pay for his care.
  Safe guard 😂😂🤦🏼‍♀️ him in our 4 bedroom house, who's converted the garage and got a new hot tub, drives a 4x4
  Me - living out my parents back bedroom with 3 kids - has to pay his childcare because he can't afford ! 🤯
  
  Whatever happens I'm just hoping I can skip his signature and get everything signed off by a judge , because at least if that's signed he has so many days to pay money or house is up for sale. ( still not ideal but at least the ball will be rolling again ) .

[Chumpnomore]

@Cherrypie3456 it sounds such a nightmare. Im so sorry things aren't moving on for you.
Him in the house while you are crammed in with your parents is outrageous. Why do these men think this is acceptable in this day and age?
Its so draining isn't it? Don't give up though. We all have to believe things will get better and look ahead to that day.

[Chumpnomore]

Grrrrrr!
Some of you will know I've been waiting for my FDR for months and months,at last resulting in a date by video call.
I have been told 24 hours before hand that there is no judge available and its been cancelled.
Absolutely gutted. So desperate to get this moving. No idea when I'll get another date.

[AustinRd]

@Chumpnomore I’m gutted for you! Not only is it time consuming and emotionally draining but it can be SO expensive when they do this. Now we are into lockdown! Have they given you an indication of when it will be rescheduled for?

[AustinRd]

My ex has once again failed to adhere to the court order but is in possession of all my documents. He will no doubt submit something on the morning of the hearing (his usual MO) which will mean we have to react rather than plan. He’s never submitted anything in time always 1-4weeks late, I swear it’s just a game to him. I’m exhausted and pretty low again as I battle with why he can’t put the kids needs front and centre. I have turned myself inside out over the last couple of years with this question and I still can’t answer it. Entitled twat!

[Chumpnomore]

@AustinRd Thanks for your post! I know you have had a similar rollercoaster. Courts have offered no indication to when the hearing will be. You're completely right when you say its exhausting.
The thing is, as much as you want to move on and get on with life, its actually impossible until these loose ends are tied, once and for all.
I feel your pain with late submission from ex. Mine did the same. 36 hours before hearing was going to take place he provided out of date disclosure. Then of course, hearing cancelled soon after anyway!
How do these 'men' sleep soundly at night. Oh to have a good nights sleep eh?!
Keep us posted though x

[AustinRd]

When mine was cancelled at the 11th hour (3pm Fri for a 10am Mon hearing) they are least said they would aim to get it rescheduled within 2 weeks. It ended up being 2months though 🤯 I hold out very little hope for a consent order at the FDH because ex refuses to compromise ever no matter what advice he is given, so I’m forced through a long, convoluted process to a final hearing. Such a waste of everybody’s, including the courts time.

[Cherrypie3456]

Bloody outrageous - how can they do that so late in the day. How are they even allowed to submit out of date info , and submit late! It just makes my piss boil and I’m not going through this same as you guys! I really feel for you. One good I think is that the ‘system ‘ won’t be on complete lockdown like before hopefully. I keep wanting a massive blow out, but can’t even be arsed to do that , it’s just so shit.
Did I mention my divorce application has been lost again . So have just recently submitted my 3rd attempt for a decree Nisi . Bloody ridiculous !

[Mylifestartstoday]

Both solicitors wanted to delay the first court hearing in order to get pensions valued. The judge decided that it had to go ahead, without either of us on the phone, so we’ve had to pay ££ for a worthless hearing, at which things were deferred 7 months. Complete and utter waste of time. This has been dragging on for 18 months so far due to the ex being an ignorant arsehole. I’m currently up to £7k in solicitor fees.

[Merryterry]

Good morning everyone, I hope you’re all well. Since last time I posted I had my first appointment and felt it want well. My ex hadn’t got his pension valuation which didn’t please the judge and also has since been found to have lied to the judge about his income and the valuation of the house.
The orders came through and he was instructed to get his pension valuation and provide me with the documents I had requested. He’s done neither. It also said he had to name 3 independent experts and I could choose one of those to write a report which will be presented to the judge. The deadline for him naming this 3 has also passed. The orders said either of us would be in contempt of court if we didn’t adhere to the orders, how do I go about getting this done as he is choosing to ignore the orders.
Does anyone know what the expert will do? Is it just to work out pension shares? We have now agreed to a house value since I proved he had lied in court to under value the house price as it suited him. He has agreed to my value. I can’t afford legal representation to advice me. I wish he would just do what the judge ordered, it seems so unfair.

[Chumpnomore]

Hi @merryterry. Its good to hear your update! Was your hearing by video?
So the valuation and expert you mentioned i take to be anpension actuary.
If this is the case, i have been through this and we were ordered to go halves on the fee, this was £1000 each. The report took 3 months as its important to get all the information together. It ends up with a lengthy doc which ultimately should show what the pensions are worth and how to equalise them at retirement. This also includes state pensions so be prepared to provide a forecast on this for the expert.
As far as making our OH's accountable for not complying with an order don't hold your breath! i ihave lost total faith in our system. My STBX has delayed and ignored for two years and always at last minute (literally) given information or docs required or not at all. He has never been pulled up on it by a judge.
My FDR was cancelled day before in October. The court office won't even answer the phone or emails to tell us there is another date. Im so fed up with it all. Just want to sort finances and move on!
Anyway, good luck with yours, im relieved hearings are going on in some areas!

[AustinRd]

@Merryterry so sorry you are going through this stress it is utterly hideous. I can’t help with the pension question but is seems @Chumpnomore has offered some insight. I just wanted to offer you some hope that you will get there and the sense of relief will be immense. As you will see from my posts in here I have been through 2 years of hell and been in court either in person or via video no less that 9x due to Ex. I had my FDR this month and I really didn’t hold out much hope as Ex seldom provided documents, those he did were late and often delivered the morning of the hearing leaving me little time to wrap my head around them. Anyway my FDR via video was a positive experience. The judge listened to both sides and then went through each of the issues in turn providing their view on how the issue would be viewed in a final hearing. They also provided guidance on the type of supporting evidence that would be required to convince a judge. Thankfully they were pretty prescriptive and as a result we got to a final agreement on the day!! Nobody was more shocked than my legal team who had prepared me for him to once again not engage (this is a guy who ignored medical reports and several Cafcass reports). I may not have got everything I hoped for but I got 99% and most of all my freedom from an controlling ex. I wish all you ladies luck it’s been a long road but it does end! 🥳

[Palaver1]

Thank you for your update I’m shattered

[Merryterry]

@Chumpnomore Thanks for your reply, they’re very insightful. I’ve emailed the court in the hope they’ll appoint an actuary to compile the paperwork. Do you think that’s something they would do? I’m worried about Christmas and holidays taking more time and 3 months is a long time anyway!
The first appointment was done by telephone, the judge was really calm and I felt he was definately annoyed that he hadn’t got all the information he was meant to have. He came across as very arrogant on several points which I have to feel goes in my favour. @AustinRd I’m so pleased to read your post, what a relief for you. Here’s to the future xx

[Palaver1]

Three times I’ve had this happen each time a different judge each time different ways of addressing the situation each time his never pulled up each time his allowed to get away with his non compliance.
Each time I’ve paid for a barrister .each time his piggy backed on my lawyers.
He cares not won’t get legal advice.
Each time my bitterness has no measure

[Cherrypie3456]

@AustinRd - fabulous news! I'm so pleased for you ! Now your next chapter starts . Can't believe I'm reading it!
Everyone else hang in there , try and stay strong . You all got this x

[AustinRd]

Thanks @Cherrypie3456 how are things with you?
The final win is my absolute also came through so I’m busy changing my name everywhere that wanted my absolute so I can start 2021 afresh 🥳

[Momentumneeded]

Hello lovely people. Sorry for being so quiet but it's been a very difficult couple of months. I need to catch up on everyone's updates but v quickly wanted to say a huge 'well done' to @AustinRd for finally getting your absolute. Can't imagine how it must fee! All credit to you for keeping going. 💪

[AustinRd]

@Momentumneeded sending huge hugs! I felt like giving up so many times I wanted so badly to get off the rollercoaster but there is no getting off 😫 I shed so many tears and felt so alone but always found the strength to pick myself up (amazing parents and the love of my kids) Hang in there it is true what they say it does eventually come to an end. I am so proud of the way I have risen above ex behaviour, and I didn’t realise my strength or the resilience I was teaching my kids in the process. My eldest danced around the kitchen when my divorce was finalised as she knew what it symbolised for me and how hard I have worked. Makes the freedom all the sweeter. Please feel free to share the stresses I can’t fix them but I can share my new found time and strength

[Chumpnomore]

Wise words @AustinRd! Im proud of you too and i don't even know you!!! We all know the emense strength we need to get through every day, let alone come through to other side.
@palaver1 don't give up now, you can do this
@Cherrypie3456 and @Momentumneeded, good to hear from you both.
Still no count date here. I've spent £10,000 to date, money i don't have but i have to keep the faith that it will be worth it when i can be free of narcissistic ex

[Palaver1]

Chumpnomore
With bitterness and seething anger .I'll hope for the best.

[Palaver1]

I've spent over 32 thousand he maybe 800

[goldwrapped]

@Chumpnomore @AustinRd @Momentumneeded @Palaver1 @Cherrypie3456 and all you other lovelies.
Darlings, I hope you have survived this festive period.
I'm just coming to terms with the idea that I'VE DONE IT! Posted the application for my Decree Absolut on Christmas Eve.
Financial Direction Hearing was in Court via BT Meetme on 21/12. Ex was twisting and turning like a twisty turny thing but the barristers got a resolution eventually.
It was really vile and stressful. Nearly exactly 2 years after he beat me black and blue I've secured the family home and I don't have to deal with him again.
Court was interesting, especially re Mesher orders (they don't like them) and older children at university (the judge agreed they need a home outside term time).
I feel sad but so relieved.... hope you're all doing ok. Just wanted to give you all hope. Big love