Court hearing updates

[Chumpnomore]

Hi, don't want to be all doom and gloom but I know it's useful for others to have up to date information when available if going through the court process.
I had a directions hearing today. The judge personally dialled me and my solicitor and stbx/solicitor and we had a five way call.
The judge said courts were running on a skeleton staff and had no idea when anyone would be back in court.
He said we might have to have a FDR by phone.
Anyway, thought might be useful if people waiting for news. Expect delays.

[Chumpnomore]

Really good to hear updates. Its painfully slow progress, actually no progress here!
My solicitor has given him seven days to return the answers to my questionaire (the same questionnaire due last year...) and if he doesn't we have a penel order ready to go, which goes straight to court to show he isn't complying with court orders and will claim costs. I have absolutely no doubt he will ignore this too. Ive losy faith in court system. Syill waiting for FDR date! No update from courts and my solicitor says he gets no reply when he phones court to check!
Its good to hear everyones news, @goldwrapped @Momentumneeded @AustinRd. @WhiteWriting, how are you?

[AustinRd]

@Momentumneeded I really don’t know. Yes it is a breach but in the grand scheme of misbehaving I doubt the judge will be that interested. It does piss me off that I incur more and more fees due to his behaviour

@goldwrapped I’m glad you took some amusement from your ex from E, it sounds like our experience is similar. My ex has run up huge debt apparently from supporting 2 households (he pays under cms and half mortgage through choice as he wants to retain his interest despite me offering to buy him out and release him over 18m who) but in reality some months he’s spent £600 on eating out. His income needs submitted are significantly more than he earns, in fact higher than my needs with 2 kids. I’m pretty sure he’s still with OW who in CAO proceedings he said he’s moving in with then changed his mind but has indicated he has no intention to live with anybody. It’s utter BS from start to finish.
It’s tough but I know one day I will be free of all this, as will each of you my sole aim is to do right by the children and keep my promise to myself (that at the end of this I can still look myself in the eye and be proud of how I acted)

[minnieok]

Are the courts still closed/backlogged? Dp has been waiting 2 months so far, beginning to really drag him down.

[Chumpnomore]

@minnieokMinnie i think a lot will depend on the area, but certainly south east so backlogged and most hearings are being conducted remotely, which is never ideal. My court won't even answer phone calls or emails so it doesn't look good for the future. Its so frustrating when people need to move on and sort finances.

[goldwrapped]

You lot are so cool. I feel so alone in this whole process-I have support in real life but no one really gets it better than those going through it.
We will get there and it’s going to be AMAZING 😉

[AustinRd]

@goldwrapped I totally get what you mean about such a lonely process. I have great family support but friends must be bored of it or simply don’t realise how consuming it all is. I just want to close the door and look forward but that’s not within my gift. I’ve lost count of the times my family have said they don’t know how I’ve kept going and in all honesty have no idea, I simply have no choice. I have to have faith it will end. One things for sure I wont be getting married again!

[AustinRd]

Quick update on my FDR. Applied late June, hearing confirmed as late November. I so wanted it all wrapped up 2020 but I’m cutting it fine as I know Ex will go to final hearing 🙄

[Chumpnomore]

@AustinRd im so relieved to hear that you have a FDR booked in! I assume it will be a phone hearing?
Im in the south east. Appled april and still no date! Coury not answering the phone.
Your news has given me hope so thanks for posting!

[AustinRd]

@Chumpnomore I’m south east too PM if you want to know more. I would say that my local family court has been fairly responsive despite lockdown. My solicitor was surprised at the date she was expecting it to be early 2021. I think I’m booked for a 3hour FDR 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Momentumneeded]

@goldwrapped I'm hitting the bottom. How are you staying sane as I know you are in the same boat. Whole new level of awful this week. Police involved but he's mirroring (classic manoeuvre according DV support) so he's counter claiming against me. I have the option to make a formal statement as it was assault but it sounds traumatic and I don't think I can do it as it means kids and neighbour interviews. My poor kids - I will never forgive him for bringing this level of ugly into their lives. Also it's his word against mine so have been told unlikely to lead to any safeguarding assistance. Do you understand how it all works as tbh I'm trying to get my head around logging v statement etc. Have been told an injunction will cost £2.5-3k as don't qualify for legal aid due to house ownership. Going to seek legal advice. I'm with you 100% @AustinRd - I will never let anyone do this to me again and I will always make sure In future that my home is my safe place shared only with my kids, however minuscule it might be.

[AustinRd]

@Momentumneeded only you can decide what’s right for you. If I had my time again I would have taken a more official route. I was so focussed on not rocking the boat and my perception that it would distress DC that I shied away. The reality is nothing you do/don’t do will change their behaviour but having something official in your corner may enable there to be repercussions. It’s not your job to teach a lesson just put you and DC first and keep you all safe
We finally exchanged response to questionnaires following Form E and court docs but again ex has provided only 10% of what’s required and no evidence to support his “statements”. Not only does it cost a fortune but it’s exhausting. I’ve handed it over to my solicitor who I trust completely The gloves are now off!

[goldwrapped]

I hear you. After 20 months of not wanting to rock the boat I reported his abhorrent behaviour and the police said I should have reported every single time he harassed me to build a case against him.
Also so it would be logged against Claire’s Law, so he can be searched for in the future.
I lost my mojo several times last week and the big black dog took up residence on my shoulder, but today is a good day and I can do this. So can you, if not today tomorrow or the next day. Don’t lose sight of the wonderful person you are.
Have you tried yoga or mindfulness? It’s honestly saved my mental health and stopped me imploding.
Sending you the biggest hug 🤗 xx

[Momentumneeded]

@goldwrapped @AustinRd thank you both so much for your words of wisdom and kindness. Still feeling v fragile but I feel slightly less alone. I've had my ear glued to the phone but I'm slowly getting my head around things thx to all these amazing helplines and some timely legal advice. There are options - all involve scary things - but I think he's shown there are no limits now to how far he'll try and break me so I know I need to stay strong. It's the mirroring/ retaliatory aspect of what he's doing that most unnerves me - and the fact that it's my word against his and how convincing/ cool as a cucumber he can be when I feel rather like an emotional wreck. I think you are all amazingly resilient mamas. Like you say @AustinRd it is utterly exhausting/ draining. How I would love for us ALL to get this rubbish wrapped up in 2020 although I think it's going to be uphill all the way. Thx again. Just knowing you are all there and that you 'get it' means so much. Off to try and settle the mind monkeys and see if I can actually manage some sleep.

[goldwrapped]

@Momentumneeded @AustinRd @Chumpnomore
How are we doing today ladies?
What an absolute rollercoaster this is.
My Requests for Further Information (ie requests for proof of his lies statements on his form E) have now been filed. His haven't. 13 days until the first hearing.
Bring it on.
Hope you're all doing ok, thinking of you.

[AustinRd]

@goldwrapped I’m pleased to say you’ve caught me on a good day. Despite the games I am feeling optimistic and am focusing on they kids and our future. So it’s all about prep for returning to school, sorting out club subs and realising that I don’t (and never did) need him. It we turn him off the kids and I are happy so that’s what I’m doing. Even his aggressive and abusive emails are making me laugh because I give that many f*cks today 😂🤣🤣😂

Stay strong you’ve got this!

[Chumpnomore]

@goldwrapped, good to hear your progress.
Don't hold your breath with waiting for answers to questions on form E... I sent my questionnaire last July... He STILL hasn't given any answers or paperwork!
Finally sent a penal order to the court this week saying he'd not replied to us, even though he had my answers up to date information months ago. Its maddening everything at court has slowed so much as its hard to feel like any progress is being made.
Please let us know how your court date goes. We will all be thinking of you!
@AustinRd your post made me smile. There has to be times of positivity doesn't there, or what on earth are we striving towards! It definitely gave me a kick, so thank you x

[Chumpnomore]

@Momentumneeded just to say, been thinking about you too. I know you are having it particularly bad. Know that you are not alone. It will get better. X

[AustinRd]

@Momentumneeded how are you doing?

[Momentumneeded]

@Chumpnomore @AustinRd thank you for checking in on me and sorry for not updating you but it's been a stressful couple of weeks. I decided to move out with the kids and we've been sleeping on the floor at a friend's house. Argh I don't know where to start. I didn't make a formal statement re. assault but he was interviewed and denied it so nothing further will happen without witnesses. One of my children heard everything so was prepared to give a statement and I did tell them this but didn't hear back. I haven't pushed as it still feels like such a daunting move and I still hate the thought of my 'baby' having to be interviewed. So that's that. I don't qualify for legal aid so would have to self litigate if I go down civil route of injunction. I haven't pushed that as just felt so overwhelmed by everything ( sleep awful!) and my 'window' to act since the incident has passed. So I've been rather a coward. But I haven't pushed because in the midst of this he's finally, finally agreed to try mediation and it's already got results. I think mediator got the measure of him very quickly and has put him right on many things. We have (still pinching myself!) swapped form Es and he's moved out temporarily. I'm still in shock frankly. All sorts of petty silly power games still but I am finally back in with the kids. He retains right of access though so I don't feel completely 'safe' - he could decide to return and I wouldn't put it past him. He's furious about wasting money on renting although easily affordable for him. He could be up to all sorts - I know now that he'll totally screw me over if he can. His form E is an utter joke - think deluded, massively skewed to self interest, basic inaccuracies and wild conjecture about earning potential or lack of. 🙄. So that's where I am - in the midst of financials and child arrangements. Trying to make sense of reams of complex financials and putting questions together. Plus the anxiety of kids return to school (not straight at all after only just getting back in house) and starting a new job without access to my things (long story - more power games). I'm just trying to keep my head above water frankly and am not always successful. But goodness - the utter bliss of being away from him. Feel stronger and clearer just by virtue of that.

Has anyone taken a form E summary to a financial advisor or similar? I know some specialise in divorce finances. I'm seriously considering it if it would help me get my head around it all.

How are you all doing? X

[Chumpnomore]

@Momentumneeded. You truly are mighty! When i read your update i was so sad that you are still having to deal with such a nightmare.
The mental stuff is hard enough but the physical tirades you continue to encounter really must take their toll on you and your family.
Im relieved you have a little respite in being in your home now. I think others have suggested in the past to leave a key in the door from the inside to prevent him from just letting himself in. It must be hard being on tenterhooks all the time.
Form E exchanged! Well done. I put together 21 questions for my ex after reading his corrupt form E. He still (a year on) hasn't answered them and I've now served a penal notice to court to make him accountable for this. Ridiculous though that he thinks the 'rules' don't apply to him.
I had an accountant friend who looked through the figures for me? Maybe you could see if this is an option?
Its good to hear from you though and keep in touch x

[AustinRd]

@Momentumneeded I’m sorry the turmoil continues for you. Please never feel bad or guilty for the decisions you make at any point in time. 1) hindsight is a great thing but 2) you can change your decision at any time. The fact remains that the police have a log of recent events should you need it in the future. I’m so please to hear you are back in the house with the kids. It’s so important for them to feel safe and grounded. The key left in the door or a chain is the way to give yourself peace of mind.
In respect of the form E I second the asking a friend or family member to take a look. I’m lucky that I have family in finance and they helped pick up inconsistencies. Here’s my hints and tips: are all the bank accounts there. Within the statements do they run consecutively (there is a number at the top or bottom of every statement), transfers in and out where do they come from us there a corresponding bank account in their name, if not start digging. Same applies to credit cards. I created an “income needed” based on ex bank statements and ran this against ex submission they look nothing alike which needed explaining. It also showed me that the debt he had was due to lifestyle and not the reasons he said. You have the right to ask for just about anything he would need to apply to the court to say it wasn’t relevant. I can’t recall your background but full credit card statements, bank accounts going back years, valuations on property not just the house, evidence of any statements made (he can’t just say I spent £5000 on this for the family he has to prove it with receipts etc) Feel free to ask for help here too. No such thing as a silly question when you are talking your kids (and your) future!!
@Chumpnomore you are sounding a bit more upbeat/in control. Your patience astounds me although time seems to fly by. Interested to know about the penal notice application goes as I may be in the same boat. Good luck!

[Chumpnomore]

Hi, thought i'd update and report progress! My FDR date has come through for middle November...a months notice, but still havent been told if a phone one or in person.
Been waiting for so long (december..) but now petrified!
@Momentumneeded @WhiteWriting @goldwrapped @AustinRd @Cherrypie3456 @minnieok how are you all? Really hope things are moving in right direction for you all..

[AustinRd]

@Chumpnomore so pleased you’ve finally received your date. It is incredibly daunting so hold tight it will get a bit bumpy. Do you have a list of things you need to submit ahead of your hearing date? Mine is November too and I’ve been asked to submit various updated documents which I’m in the process of pulling together. I’m also submitting a schedule with all the missing items from Ex disclosure so it’s clear what’s missing and which issue it relates to.
Tbh I’m really struggling, my children’s mental health has been really poor (court, Covid and returning to school) which is sucking the little fight I have in me. I wish I could get off this ride but I’m stuck on it as ex wont engage but has brought the court case. I had so hoped we’d be done this year but it will be a big chunk of next too as everybody can see he will take it to final hearing no matter what advise he’s given. Probably just to cause as much upset as poss.

[Chumpnomore]

@AustinRd, so sorry you are struggling atm. To be honest, its one of the reasons why I posted today, because its reassuring that others are surviving this madness too. Its hard isn't it because friends and family are supportive but continually surprised when things aren't moving! I understand its hard to be upbeat and really know how it feels.
Try to keep focused on the positive things that have come out of not being with a fwit.

As far as providing up to date information, i have to show payslips, bank statements since form e (16 months ago...), my mortgage capability and also some health stuff. My children are now over 18 (not when he left..) so im not hopeful for much more than 50% equity. Solicitor says she's going to push for spousal though.

Keep the faith though @AustinRd*. The end is in sight... 😉

[goldwrapped]

Hey beautiful ladies. Lovely to hear from you. Sorry you're struggling @AustinRd, especially with your kids. Honestly, things will get better and everything will be ok in the end! Glad to hear you're making progress @Chumpnomore.
So my first FDR hearing was due in court on September 7. But we both raised questions about each other's Form Es beforehand and as we agreed to answer the questions the hearing was adjourned. The deadline to reply to the questions was last Wednesday, and he hasn't responded yet.
Once he responds, my solicitor is hopeful for an out of court agreement, which would be great as the date they've set for the second FDR is 21st December!
I can't believe it's nearly 2 years now! I keep imagining how I will feel when it's done.
Keep xx