Court hearing updates

[Chumpnomore]

Hi, don't want to be all doom and gloom but I know it's useful for others to have up to date information when available if going through the court process.
I had a directions hearing today. The judge personally dialled me and my solicitor and stbx/solicitor and we had a five way call.
The judge said courts were running on a skeleton staff and had no idea when anyone would be back in court.
He said we might have to have a FDR by phone.
Anyway, thought might be useful if people waiting for news. Expect delays.

[AustinRd]

@Momentumneeded I’ve just wrapped up my CAO hearings which moved 3 tines due to the pandemic. We found out on the Friday it would be an attended hearing (hearing was a Monday) before that bombshell it was due to be Skype.
Anyway re finances I have my fact find post Form E at the end of the month. Given the 18m of hell on the children I’m considering a private FDR. I’ve been quoted 2-4K + VAT depending on seniority. The more complex ie overseas business, Multiple businesses the more senior you require. Typically the costs are shared so you’re looking at half but a much much quicker turn around and a 90% success rate. Might be worth it depending on the assets.
I’m in the south if this helps
I wish you all luck x

[Chumpnomore]

@goldwrapped what an incredible story. Thanks for sharing with us.
I note your comments about needing a strong mediator when dealing with narcissist. Maybe it wouldn't have worked as my OH excels as a narcissist!
Unfortunately my narcissist doesn't respect any one, including solicitors! He doesn't think the 'rules' apply to him.
It shocks me that these men don't want to do the right thing and allow us to live independently from them.
My OH had a affair with a 28 year old (hes 58 and we have a son her age..) and left his family two years ago. He lives with her now. But, he doesn't accept it was because of his choices, we are in the situation we are in. Obviously, its all my fault... Its hard isn't it. Im sorry @goldwrapped you suffered such horrific abuse. You are made of strong stuff! x

[Chumpnomore]

@AustinRd thanks for sharing your updates! What a shock re in person hearing! How did you find the judge in your case? Generally helpful?

[AustinRd]

@Chumpnomore very unassuming but very in control without being intimidating. I actually felt better it being in person because body language is a huge part of communication and I was stressing about a whole day on Skype as you can’t control the internet connection! Obviously that was a CAO and not finances.

[goldwrapped]

Thank you Chump and White for your loveliness. It's great to have a handhold!

[Momentumneeded]

How is everyone doing? Any sign of a date for your FDR @Chumpnomore ?! 🤞🤞🤞

@AustinRd I thought I'd replied to say thx for those insights! Interesting to hear about the private FDR. How do you begin to go about finding a judge/ setting that up though? 🤷‍♀️

@goldwrapped how are you? I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. You are incredibly strong to be battling your way through it all. I think that solicitor comment about needing a judge to tell these husbands that they are in the wrong is spot on.


I have a question about actuaries - I'm guessing some of you have used one/ requested a report and would be grateful for any wise advice? I've heard they can take a couple of months to be prepared. Can anyone tell me how I go about finding a good one (SE but guessing location not an issue) ? Anything I should be aware of? We have a mix of final salary & contributions based pensions.

Also, can anyone explain to me - if one settlement option is a pension offset, is that considered after the split of the house equity or as part of it for needs based cases. Ditto if there is any spousal is that on top of the split or part of it and if a clean break does that mean a higher % split of assets for the more vulnerable party? I'm trying to understand possible settlement outcomes and how it is all considered.

Thank you wise ladies!

[goldwrapped]

Morning ladies. Thank you for your kindness momentum.
I can't offer any advice I'm afraid as neither of us have any pension to speak of,I'm sure one of these other wise ladies will be able to help.
I'm updating my Form E at the moment, for the 67th time! Hopefully this will be the last.
I actually have butterflies thinking that this could soon be over....!
Have a wonderful week

[Chumpnomore]

Hi @Momentumneeded
Still no date for FDR! Its so hard no knowing as i really want this over. My solicitor has resorted to writing to court for information but no response. My OH still ignoring request to start negotiating. Its such a mess. I still haven't had the answers to my questions from his questionnaire. All 24 questions we asked (like can he provide payslips and evidence of self employment) were agreed by the judge to be answered LAST August! Its ridiculous.
Re actuary. My actuary report was clear, consise and my solicitor said it was the best (easiest) hed seen.
I don't know if im allowed to name them?! Happy to recommend though! It cost £1800. When they finished, we were sent individual bills with the cost split which made it easier.
The report stated how much the pensions would need to be split to equalize the end amount. Example! His pension £300000, mine £50000. The actuary worked out that we both receive the pension at 60 and we ended up with identical amounts per year. (he would end up 'giving' me part of his pension to equalize and i draw directly from that, so it ends up being my 'pot' and completely separate from his pot! Hope this makes sense! Equity share is kept completely separate.
I have no idea how our equity will be split. Thats what I hope to negotiate before court. Im much lower income (4 kids, 24 year marriage, lower earning capacity etc) so im hoping for slightly more equity. It would be good to have this in place in principle before court but my OH just wont engage.
Isnt your FDR soon? Is it Whats the latest your end ? Been thinking about you all!
@goldwrapped keep plowing on with form E! Really hope you get some progress soon!

[Chumpnomore]

@WhiteWriting how are you? Is your FDR still going ahead this month? Will it be by phone? Know you must be so nervous. Keep us posted!

[AustinRd]

@Momentumneeded my solicitor suggested it so I’m hoping they know how! It does need bit sides to agree and tbh I fear my Ex won’t and will let this all drag out once more (I made my first offer over a year ago and they have failed to engage in any negotiations). We are about to exchange questions on form E with first hearing in a few weeks.

[Cherrypie3456]

Morning all, hope things get moving for you soon . So great to hear how you ladies are so strong.
My solicitor and I have drafted a new consent order, which has been sent to him, so I await his reply.
My divorce has been "lost in the system " his solicitors had issues with online court system - so apparently requested paper copy in Jan 2020 but as yet no decree Nisi so now another thing I have to pay my solicitor to chase.
I'm still living at my parents with my 3 children , stuck here till he pays me out.
He still refused to pay our agreed maintenance, so I paid it myself from the joint account- he went nuts! Then get this ladies. He refused to have them at all last week because I had not sorted childcare for him to go to work. Then he says I've got to pay for it for him 🤣
I'm honestly drained with him , I feel like he's got to win every argument, every battle, - why can't he just be right when I've settled for everything now. Frustrated knowing I can't move on until he pays me out , and takes my name off our old house- he can drag his feet for the fun of it 🤬

[WhiteWriting]

Hello all, sorry to hear that things are dragging on for so many of you. I am due in court for FDR a week today. Courts are all listed as open but solicitor says that doesn't mean they are sitting for all cases and most are still happening remotely. The more I research doing this remotely, juggling two phones, the less I like it. I have paid for a direct access barrister and this week has been a whirlwind of paperwork. It never ends and the requires a detailed rundown since separation - which in my case is Oct 18 so makes War and look like a pamphlet.
ex-H still not budging on his many petty demands. Still arguing he needs paying back for all mortgage and bills he paid from the house equity. Mental.

[WhiteWriting]

should read War and Peace. Ironic Peace did not appear- story of my divorce life!

[AustinRd]

@Momentumneeded looks like I won’t find out Ex has refused the private FDR, seems they would rather go through another year of court case Honestly all we have is a house which I’ve offered to and can afford to buy out.

[Chumpnomore]

@Cherrypie3456 what a nightmare for you.
I did the same with our joint savings when i needed money to redecorate the house in preparation for enevitable sale. I did email him though and said i was sure he'd agree it was a good use of the money! (funnily enough, he didn't agree..)
So frustrating for you when you need your home for you and your children. Really hope you make progress with the concent order.
@WhiteWriting the remote hearing just doesn't make sense does it? How can you talk effectively with your barrister just by phone? Have your documents, bundle? been sent off to the court? My timeline is also lengthy (Dec 18) so I would like to think the judge would read how things have been constantly held up by OH. Its not acceptable to just start the remote hearing without knowing the facts.
Will be Thinking of you though over the next week ! You've got this far! You can do it!

[Momentumneeded]

@goldwrapped

Morning ladies. Thank you for your kindness momentum.
I can't offer any advice I'm afraid as neither of us have any pension to speak of,I'm sure one of these other wise ladies will be able to help.
I'm updating my Form E at the moment, for the 67th time! Hopefully this will be the last.
I actually have butterflies thinking that this could soon be over....!
Have a wonderful week

Oh gosh - wonderful to think it could nearly be over for you! Totally relate to the continuous updating of Form E - I will have a ceremonially burning of all the docs when all this is over!

You take care! x

[Momentumneeded]

@Chumpnomore you must be so utterly sick of it all. How can they be allowed to drag things out like this? I just can't believe you are still waiting for those answers and an FDR date. It's so hard not having any idea of the equity split isn't it....leaves you completely unable to scenario plan. It's the uncertainty that is the most frustrating part of it all with a global pandemic and economy crash thrown in for good measure. It's finally clicked that pensions and equity split are separate so any offsetting is done afterwards - if that's a route I can/want to pursue. Thanks for helping me get that clear in my head!

Someone very kindly pm'd me their actuary details but it would be great to have another option - yours sounds excellent so if you wouldn't mind pm'ing me their details I would be so grateful.

@Cherrypie3456 there are no words. It is draining in a way you can't possibly understand unless you are going/ have gone through it. I completely empathise with every tiny thing being a battle.

@WhiteWriting I really hope your FDR goes ahead and is ok. It must be nerve-wrecking. You sound crazily run off your feet with the paperwork (and yes it is ridiculous isn't it!) but when you get past it and come up for air I'd be very grateful if you would let me know about your experience of the direct access barrister either here or PM if that's better . After delaying all this time and self-litigating (costing me £££ as my solicitor digests his pointless bile) my STBX has finally instructed a senior partner of a city firm (all about the winning and vastly out of proportion to our situation...). I fear my local one will be no match so think I'll need to check out direct access barristers who can maybe give initial advice and then represent me in court.

@AustinRd I'm so gutted for you. I feared that would happen and think my ex would be the same. It's all about control isn't it - trying to keep us down and wear us down. Stay strong - you've come so far and he will not get the better of you in court.

I've got an individual MIAM and then will put in my Form A. I know the timescales are depressing but at least we'll be on a court schedule and he'll be forced to do financial disclosure. I'm hoping it will be the forceful nudge needed for him to finally engage and really hope it doesn't get as far as a final hearing. I'm rather petrified of how awful he will be to me in court and the things he will drag up but for now at least, I'm feeling galvanised to do it anyway!

Stay strong ladies - can't tell you what it means to have found this group and to know that I am not alone and that we all 'get' the realities of dealing with nightmare STBX-husbands.....x

[Chumpnomore]

@WhiteWriting been thinking about you. How did your hearing go at the end of July?
@Momentumneeded
@Cherrypie3456
@goldwrapped
@AustinRd
How are you all doing?
No news here... Still waiting for FDR date. So fed up. Can't move on/away til get finances sorted.

[AustinRd]

@Chumpnomore well the CAO concluded and ruled in favour of DC which is a relief. Nobody wins in these things but hopefully things can now move forward and the children’s happiness will improve. FAO was vacated as there are so many holes in Ex Form E that need answering so looks like back end of the year for FDR 🥱

[goldwrapped]

Hey @Chumpnomore, nice to hear from you. Sorry to hear your FDR news @AustinRd but at least you're moving forward.
I had to call the police this week, ex moved his harassment to a whole new level.
The police were disappointed I hadn't officially logged anything else he'd done to me but they were very supportive.
I don't hold out any hope that he will submit his Form E, it's due at the court tomorrow...
Hope you're all keeping your heads while all about you are losing theirs...

[Chumpnomore]

@goldwrapped im really sad to hear your news. This is hard enough without the extra stress of the harassment and abuse you are enduring.
Keep the faith that one day things will improve and your new life can start properly. Thinking of you all.

[Momentumneeded]

@goldwrapped how are things? So sorry to hear what you've been through. Did his Form E get submitted in the end.

@AustinRd good to see things are inching forward for you and the children.

@WhiteWriting I hope you're doing ok. I know July was really stressful but hoping you're making some progress now.

@Chumpnomore Dare I ask if there's any news? It feels like such a horrendous waiting game doesn't it? I do feel for you.

My head is all over the place currently. I'm changing jobs which I'm excited about but also rather anxious as I think my new career will have more stress. If all this crap was behind me and I had my own place, I know I'd feel more confident but it's just the constant bad-mouthing in my own home that's hard to hear. So the MIAM worked - I will believe it when I see his Form E but the exchange should be happening soon (mediator is being v proactive!) and then I'm somewhat nervously giving mediation a go. I have no idea what to expect. Everything he's said so far has implied a crappy settlement for me but I'm wondering if his solicitor has had a convincing chat as I'm frankly amazed he's playing ball after months and months of messing about. I can only assume he's been told court will not end well for him. I'm not holding my breath it will work but I can hope....

[AustinRd]

@Momentumneeded good to hear from you. Good luck with the new job it’s great to have something forward looking. I hope the mediation works out.
Unsurprisingly ex failed to submit court papers (questionnaire, missing form E evidence plus other papers) they remain outstanding. Mine went in on time but I’ve withheld from ex. Still waiting for our FDR date which is anticipated to be Oct but I’m wondering how seriously the court takes these omissions? I’ve been trying to get ex to engage for 18m, he brings court proceedings and then misses every deadline! 🤯

[goldwrapped]

Bless you Chump. Thank you for thinking of us all. Good luck with your new job, I feel every inch of your Issues around confidence. Put your game face on at work. You can do this! When you’re out the other side it will feel like a breeze.
Form Es have exchanged. His is a pack of lies and hilarious. His bank statements show a life of takeaways and sitting by himself in the pub. It’s all very painful and I’m frightened and so excited 😆
Hope you’re all doing ok x

[Momentumneeded]

@AustinRd it just makes a mockery of the whole thing when they can ignore court deadlines. Does that not make him in contempt of court? At the very least, surely it should strengthen your case and mean he meets your costs as they have clear evidence of his lack of engagement? Is there no power for them to request the missing evidence direct from employer/ bank etc. ? You would think so.

@goldwrapped well they say 'fake it until you make it' so I'm going with that! I had to make a move as my old job is no more thx to the pandemic and I need job/ income security. It's been the push I needed really. Ah i bet that form E made for interesting reading!!! My STBXs certainly will. I know he's been buying stuff for his eventual new home and I've asked for extra info as I'm pretty sure the delay tactics have been about him hiding money being moved before and when I initially filed. They are so flipping slimy and slippery. I just don't get it - why not do things properly, be straight and let everyone move on. The lies are never ending. I think I'll find it virtually impossible to ever trust a man again.