Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Gosh. It must be a relief that its all on the table now; but how are you day to day in the house? Do you still have to buy milk and pay the window cleaner, get a birthday card, clean the loo and ask if there's any petrol in the car - that sort of thing? Or are you in effect separated; two households but in the same house?

I think I'd welcome the silence

I should explain, others on this thread have been through similar, and worse esp those with young DC; some have had awful money worries, been scared for themselves and their kids. But I think your story resonates with me @Somefantasticplace - because you are in a similar life stage to me (albeit I think quite a bit younger), kids gone to uni, just you two in the house etc.

I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself today, older DD gone back to uni and young DD struggling again (not sure her new meds are helping at all in fact they might be making things worse) - it feels very lonely. I've also been thinking a lot about how it will in future. H and I have (had?) a lot in common and I often see things on TV or a picture and think I must show H and then I think well no I can't because what's the point in sharing a funny anecdote with someone who was shouting in your face 8 hours ago. Only then I think well that will leave me with no one to share so much with. Don't get me wrong, I know its all over with H (bar the shouting as they say), we couldnt fix this now and we shouldn't even try, but I will mourn it terribly. I seem to be realising that I've lost the opportunity to have a life partner - our time of life we should be planning holidays and a new car all that sort of late 50s early 60s stuff.

Its these sorts of worries and realisations that keep a lot of unhappy people of our age together . We had the house refurbished a couple of years ago and since then H has refused to lift a finger, even basic maintenance is a struggle - he'd rather see something ruined than step up. He's retired (well, works 8 hours a week in a very quiet clerical role at the moment) and was furloughed all through lockdown but he sat in the armchair every day and did nothing. For my part, its only recently I realised that we threw personal stuff into piles and took down all the pictures etc during the refurbishment, and I never put any of it back.

Sorry for rambling rant. I might need to have a go on Gransnet if I carry on like this!!

@DishingOutDone not very much younger, also mid fifties (late starter having the DCs). It is very weird, we do an online shop as it seems the sensible thing in these times so we do have very brief conversations about that and about other day to day things.

We need some things fixed in our house before we sell it but that's all left to me and I don't have the energy at the moment. He also won't do anything and I'm so very tired. This week has been particularly hard and I've gone to bed each night wishing there wasn't going to be another day.

We're two people in the same house avoiding each other as much as possible and occasionally bumping into each other in the kitchen.

I really get what you say about mourning the loss of someone to share things with. I have TV shows that I can't watch now because we used to watch them together. I have places that I love that I would find it very hard to go back to because we used to go together. We've had almost 3 decades together and shared so much and it wasn't all bad. I'm also grieving for a life without a partner as I get older but it will still be better than staying with him.

The silence is nice in a way but I hear him moving around and when he comes into the room I immediately tense up. Is this the time he'll choose to say something and will it be normal or mean? I live in a constant state of high adrenaline and it's wearing me out. The only place I feel safe is in my bedroom and I'm spending more and more time there. The thing that is keeping me going is that it will end, it must end.

I see we have much in common @Somefantasticplace

How is everyone else doing? @Itistimeandiamscared, @RoseMartha @twosmallbuttons @user1486131602 @Tiedupwithstrings and of course, @Tiddleypops?

I was also scrolling back to the autumn and we had some newbies not sure if they are coming back sounded pretty stressful - @Myotherface and @Susanwouldntlikeit

I am so glad this first month is behind us. February is normally a crap time as well, cold damp and a long time till spring (spring is not March!)

Update from me, my divorce petition STILL hadn't been filed today so I told my solicitor not to do it and I've just done it myself online - and I'm changing solicitors.

Possibly one of the scariest things I've ever done but good to finally get things moving.

@Somefantasticplace has your solicitor said why your divorce petition hasn't been filed?

@ValleysGirl72 it was a technical problem at their office but I waited 10 days for them to get it sorted out and there was no end in sight.

I asked if there was any problem with me filing instead of them and there wasn't so I decided to do it myself. I've told my H that I've filed now so we'll see what happens next.

@DishingOutDone Not good re your H. I can see the way the clogs are ticking in his mind ate like me ex. During my divorce my ex asked me to wait until my parents had died before I divorced him. I said no.

I am ok. Exh been abusive. Asd teen been abusive. Parents situation slightly better as I now have support in place for them. I am now having counselling which is helpful.

Sending a hug to you all 🤗

Well done @Somefantasticplace - good to hear you can get a new solicitor too.

@RoseMartha glad you have some support for DPs and access to counselling but some things just seem stuck.

I think you need to cut and paste this into your own thread under the Divorce/Separation topic @HelpingMyEx rather than join this one, then you will get the sort of advice you are looking for.

You have a very specific question about assets, this thread isnt the right place. You can report your message once you have copied it into your own thread and have it removed from here.

Thank you @DishingOutDone. I just copied/pasted it into it's own thread as suggested. Going to remove my post from here now.

@DishingOutDone sorry to hear you've been feeling like this. It's hard to process all the emotions that come with divorce; even when you know it's what you need to do, there's a lurking question in the back of your mind if you are in fact making the right decision. I keep thinking to myself, I cannot imagine living another year or 5 years like this, so that usually sets me back on track again. Even with the immense upheaval it comes with, I have to believe that it's the right thing, that I will be happier. Whether I find someone else to be happy with is not on my mind right now, I need to make sure I'm happy on my own first before letting someone else into my space again.

My Decree Nisi court date is in a few weeks, I'm really encouraged by the speed of the online system! I filed online at the start of January so this is really encouraging.

What isn't so encouraging is that STBEX is claiming that his income is now so tenuous that he might be out of a job in 6 months - it's the company we both set up together 15 years ago but has been hit really hard by Covid. I'm still a 50% shareholder so this obviously has huge implications for me. I'm really worried that it will impact the equity split of the house sale. I was pretty much banking on getting at least 60% (as I can't get a mortgage currently on my earnings) but if I only get 50% then it really screws up my prospects.

I've asked him for a 2-year financial forecast so that we can start to plan the financial split based on how things are now. I really don't want to 'wait and see' for another 6 months while we're still living together. In my mind it's just enabling his controlling behaviour.

Hi, I'd like to join. My ex really doesn't want a divorce and he is absolutely dragging the whole thing out. I moved out over a year ago and we are only just now approaching the first hearing.

I left the (enormous, very expensive) marital home due to his emotional abuse. His plan is to stay there, remortgage, and give me what I "need" - i.e. enough money to buy a flat in a much cheaper area with a huge mortgage.

At this point I'm super depressed about it all and don't know how I can go on. I'm spending all of my savings on rent and the divorce. He wants to represent himself.

Quick update - new solicitor has been fab, really calm and helpful.

Big news is he has isn't defending! I'm a bit shocked as I had geared myself up for a long, drawn out fight. I've applied online for decree nisi so just the finances to sort out hopefully, although that may be where a battle will take place.

Funny thing was that after I got the court email telling me he hadn't objected, the first thing I felt was a huge wave of sadness and grief. I have allowed myself to grieve until now as I was fearful of losing my strength but it has hit me now.

Just catching up...

@Somefantasticplace oh my goodness your last update! I felt that rush of relief and grief as I read it. Things are moving. The start of a new life, albeit not what you had signed up for! is just around the corner. The treading on eggshells your are doing in the house with him really resonates with how my situation was. Constantly being on high alert is so draining.

@DishingOutDone how are you lovely? Things are so so hard for you. Has anything moved forwards? How is your DD? I'm so sorry that you are going through all this, you are between a rock and a hard place and I'm just willing something to give a little so you can start divorce 🙏

@littleloopylou one day at a time is all you can do. My ex really dragged everything out (3 years and we lived together throughout 😳). It felt endless at the time. It is depressing watching it all fall through your fingers. The future will be worth it.

@twosmallbuttons that is speedy! Gosh! Good on you for not waiting around and pandering to his delays. I hope you get your nisi date soon.

@RoseMartha I'm so sorry you are still receiving abuse from your ex and dc. You do not deserve your at all. You have come so so far and have been so immensely strong. That must be so intimidating for your ex! But that in turn heightens his need to 'put you back in your place'. You are one brave lady. I'm glad you having some counselling. I hope it gives you some tools to deal with the abuse.

@Itistimeandiamscared @user1486131602 and anyone else apologies if I have missed anyone, how are things?

Things here are peaceful. I hope that some of you will be able to take some hope for the future from that.
This lockdown has been very hard, mentally challenging, emotionally challenging, far too much plate spinning. But also I think it's been a time of recovery for me. With nothing open and nothing to do, I've not had the pressure to start building my life and myself back up too quickly.
Despite all the money I hemorrhaged through divorce, the massive mortgage I had to take out to give XH half the equity in our house that he never contributed anything towards, the fact that XH did some kind of frenzied trolley dash and stripped the house, I feel more stable financially now than I ever did in our marriage.
Yes finances are tight, but being independent and organised feels sooo good after years of living with someone so unstable and reckless.

I'm sure his drinking will be on the up. It will kill him eventually.
As long as DS is safe, then I'm just glad that it is not my problem anymore... Aside from the broken wall on my shared driveway, which he crashed into last summer while pissed of course 🙄
DS is well adjusted and happy. He will have things to deal with in the future with regard to his dad, but I hope that now I'm on solid ground, I will be better placed to support him.
For today at least, things are good.

Keep going everyone. There is a way through, even if it is not always clear and you lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. You are all going the right way

@Tiddleypops you are so right about the new life just around the corner. I got a date for my nisi, 3 weeks time!!

Part of me has been worrying that it wouldn't happen or it would be months but it's been so fast.

Just the finances to sort out now....

Wow that is quick! I hope the next steps go as smoothly 🤞

Hello everyone

Just wanted to drop by and wish everyone a happy Mother’s Day!

Things are still different at my end but I have a date for the 1st part financials.......only took 2 yrs!🙄

I’m trying to be positive but the stress of the divorce, the situation with my daughter still not right, my health issues and lockdown have just about done me in! Let’s put it like this if lockdown goes on too much longer I’ll have bed sores!

The bloody ex has broken lockdown umpteen times and turned into Disney dad, even buying flowers for the lady he’s paying to bring up our daughter......more than he ever did for me! I’d like to think he’d learned his lesson, but it’s more likely to be appearances sake for the judge!
Sorry for the rant!

Anyway,
Wishing you all a lovely day with your kids , remember you are all warriors❤️

Aw thank you @user1486131602 lovely to hear from you. FFS 2 years to first part financials . As you say its good to concentrate on what we all have tomorrow which for most of us is DCs who are either with us or are at least safe and well. My youngest DD's mental health continues to deteriorate and that is frightening, particularly for her because she knows what is happening but neither of us know why (things are now moving so she is being seen by the team from a specialist hospital facility next week).

But today she was ok, she was calm, she laughed - quite a lot. H continues to be a pain, I examine my life and think how did I get here and then stay here for 30 years. Definitely repenting at my leisure as they say but I am trying to count my blessings, its the only way.

I too wish us all a peaceful day tomorrow.

Joining . H is moving out start of April . He's asked for a 6 months trial separation but I think that's just dragging it out . Neither of us want this but I have to do the responsible thing

Here my thread for reference

Drinking in the morning - everyone does it, right? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4185558-drinking-in-the-morning-everyone-does-it-right

Hi @fedup078 🤗
I've read your thread. Really similar to my situation. Hope you are holding up OK. I agree the 6 month thing is probably just delaying the inevitable. It's good that he's sorted out somewhere else to live. Hopefully it will give you space to find some clarity x

@fedup078 just checking in to see how things are going?

@ValleysGirl72 thanks
He moves out end of month and I can't wait
I'm really looking forward to it now . I know I'm doing the right thing

@fedup078 that`s fantastic news!!!

Virtual party at your house then!!!