Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Yeah, it has been a very difficult two years. I really need to gather some wind and get those form Es done, so that next year is all about moving onwards.... (and upwards 🤞).

@Itistimeandiamscared
You have a lot on and you are coping remarkably. You have organised it all yourself despite many obstacles. It is unfair they have gone back on their word. You will get through this. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. It is ok to not feel ok. 🤗🤗 Remember just a day at a time.

@Tiddleypops 🤗 That is good news and a step forward for you and ds. How is he?
That must be a relief. It is an odd feeling though when they finally move out. Start changing things when you feel ready.

When my exh moved out I slept on the floor for another few days before I went and cleaned the bedroom and went back to using the bed. Dont feel there is a rush to do things all at once. 🤗

Thank you both. As you have suggested my parents refuse any more outside help. At their club they now attend twice a week they get fed a proper meal. We have been approached about increasing this by the manager but it is a bit too expensive really to add another day, at some point we will start having a carer go in everyday, I think we are heading to this really.

It is very difficult because for example, how do I get clothes off them that they have been wearing for months without washing them. When suggesting they wear more weather suitable attire they say they are warm (because they have heating blaring out all day), and they have washed their clothes. I know they have not as the cctv shows them in same outfit all the time, plus we havent had to buy them washing powder for over a year and the last one I bought was 16 capsules in June 2019 which is still fairly full.

Hello everyone, hope you are all OK.

I must admit that the thought of another 4 week lockdown with just me and STBXH in the house has really got me down.

Some good news though, I took your advice @Itistimeandiamscared and found myself a counsellor. I've had 2 sessions now and I think it will really help although I'm finding it tough to talk about some things. I'm trying to think about the future more than the past but it's hard when the past is in my kitchen and living room every day.

Sending to you all.

@RoseMartha, thank you for your lovely words of encouragement. So sorry to hear about how things are with your parents.
Hopefully, something works out.

@Somefantasticplace, I can relate to your feelings. I am so sorry. Lovely to hear counselling is helping. Sending you strength for the 4 weeks ahead.

The new lockdown rules have thrown things in to even more chaos for me... seeing as I was due to travel in about 12 days for my mum's funeral. Covid 19 has really messed with a lot of people's lives in a variety of ways.

@RoseMartha @Somefantasticplace really sorry I don't have anything very helpful to say.

@RoseMartha, I read your post about how when ExH moved out, how you still slept on the floor even when he had gone. I related to that so well..
When STBXH left us... I continued to sleep in the kids room and also the sitting room for weeks before I did lots of cleaning, bought new sheets and changed the room around. Then I was to sleep in the bed/room.
There is something about the need to make the space different. More us......

@Itistimeandiamscared I believe you are allowed to travel for a funeral as part of the rules. I hope you can make it.
You are such a strong person, you really are. I'm not at all surprised about how you are feeling, you are carrying such a load. You've come so so far.

I think I'm still expecting XH to walk through the door any moment. It will be a while until I can truly relax in my safe space because it was the opposite of a safe space for so long.
DS is doing well, I'm being gentle with him and he's young enough to adapt quickly, to understand enough about what is happening, but also not really old enough to ask too many questions about the whys, if you see what I mean. It helps that his best friend's parents are divorced, he immediately latched on to the fact that they are 'the same' now. I think he felt good to be in the club!
I know there will be battles ahead with XH over DS, I go into panic mode whenever the phone rings or a get a message that might be from him. I guess time will help with all this. I dread to think what will happen with his drinking. He's kept a lid on it recently, but with no one in his new house to keep up appearances to, I'm sure he'll soon start to slip downwards

@Somefantasticplace, the prospect of lockdown 2 with him must be horrible. I really feel for you. Mine was unemployed in lockdown 1 and I was working from home, it really was horrible. You can only get through it one day at a time. Will your counselling continue? I assume it's online / phone anyway? I'm sure that will help. I used meditation and wrote in an online diary to help when I had lots of pent up emotions.

@Tiddleypops, I can totally relate to how you are feeling... That will get better with time and you will start to relax in your home. Your Home .
I was the same whenever my phone went or I saw stbxh had messaged, I was constantly terrified. One thing I will say is when his drinking starts worsening, he will be in no fit state to have DS. Also, you need to keep in mind, DS safety first. The courts frown on Parents who don't keep children safe. If you decide to hold onto DS because you are concerned about safety, do so. The courts would rather you do that and if they feel he should have DS some agreement will be reached and you will be given time to adjust to that.
I know it is not easy.... Sending you strength and lots of it. (((huggsss)))

Yes, for the time being XH will have DS overnight, but I'll be keeping a close eye on things. I've also spoken to the school and explained the situation. His teacher is amazing and they will keep a diary of anything that DS mentions that doesn't sound right. I also think I'll introduce some suggestions about things DS can do if there is a danger. XH used to fall asleep with the oven on etc, so this scares me. I will emphasise to DS that he can call 999 for help at any time.
My solicitor has advised against a legal arrangement for this very reason - I can withhold contact with DS without being in breach of anything and it would be up to XH to take me to court. Obviously I hope it will never come to that. But I do forsee his drink problem worsening. Now he's alone, it could happen quickly.

@Tiddleypops yes I'm planning to continue with the counselling, probably via Zoom.

The counsellor recommended a book called 'The Disease to Please' about people pleasers. I got it on my Kindle app and am only a couple of chapters in but it is really hitting home. I have some serious work to do, both on forgiving myself for not seeing the truth and getting out sooner and on dealing with my need for the approval of others.

@Itistimeandiamscared I am so sorry that you have the added worry of your mum's funeral, I really hope you can get there.

I think the lockdown will be hard so I am trying hard to only think 1 day at a time and to do something nice for myself every day. Hope you can all do something nice each day too.

Hi everyone, could I join you all please? Joining hesitantly as I've joined these support groups before only then to disappear once DH has talked me out of divorce again.

A very short summary. Together for 13 years. DCs 10, 7 and 5. I've been unhappy for ten years. DH was emotionally abusive for years. I kept trying to talk to him about it but he was always defensive and gaslighting me. Now in the past couple of years he has finally realised how bad his behaviour was. How he reacts varies. At times he takes full responsibility, then there are times when he'll attack me about it saying how can we move on when I still resent him for it. I do think he now realises how badly he hurt me (and DD) with it though. He's changed a lot of his behaviours and is lovely most of the time. He however has an explosive temper and can be mean when stressed or tired. He's always walking around looking grumpy or angry. He says it's just his face, not how he feels. I've finally come to a point where I realise it doesn't need to be anyone's fault. I'm desperately unhappy and don't value him as a person never mind love him. This is my only life and I refuse to spend it unhappy.

Planning to tell DH on Monday when we have a day off together without the kids. Last time I even approached the topic he said he would probably kill himself if he had to spend any days apart from the kids. He begged and pleaded, said he had nobody else, no friends or any support networks. That I was the love of his life and he couldn't live without me. That this would destroy the kids and any chance they had for happiness in life. This is going to be so hard. I worry I will back out again. I need my freedom from this. I feel like a caged animal and I'm sick of using destructive and dysfunctional coping mechanisms to be able to live like this.

"This is my life and I refuse to spend it unhappy"

Quite right @Myotherface, and why should you. He sounds like a classic emotional abuser, knows just when he's gone too far and then reins it in to get you doubting yourself and the cycle continues.
Have you done the Freedom Programme? www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
It can really help to demystify the behaviour and give you some confidence to realise it's all him (and also, that you cannot change him. You cannot change another person - only they can change themselves and only if they want to). There's an online version of the course which I found really helpful.

Good luck telling him, I think you are very brave. Please come back and offload whenever you need to

Hello everyone, how are you all coping with the second lockdown (those of us in England that is)?

I've got to have a difficult conversation this weekend. STBXH has finally spoken to a solicitor and claims he has been told he should get more than 50% of the assets as he is planning to change careers and will be earning less in future.

My solicitor laughed when I told het this and tomorrow I plan to tell him that this isn't acceptable and it has to be 50/50.

Not sure what the reaction will be but it's unlikely to be good :(

Do you have to tell him? Planning to change career so he can take more from the marital pot does sound laughable. I let my solicitor handle negotiations about finances.
My XH actually went from earning almost double my salary to being unemployed during the course of our (long!) divorce Not much I could do about it ultimately. He still got less than 50% (but we have a young DS who lives with me, so obviously that is also a factor).

@Myotherface, welcome to the group.
How did the conversation go? Hope you are alright.

@Somefantasticplace, sorry if I have missed it.. Why do you have to tell him that it has to be 50:50? How about letting all communication go via the solicitors? It helps with all these difficult chats, makes it less personal between the both of you.

I was able to organise a very quick travel just before the lockdown came in to effect. I am so glad I did. A couple of my siblings are stuck and unable to travel out. Also, so much to be done here, no way my initial travel date would have been sufficient.

@user1486131602, how are you? You have not been on in a while. Hope you are okay.

@RoseMartha @Tiddleypops @DishingOutDone @Tiedupwithstrings, a big hello to you all. Hope you are all doing well.

Please may I join?
Just typed a long post and lost it....
So shorter version.
H had been having an EA for at least four years with a woman 20 years younger who shares his hobby (which he is obsessive about.)
When I found out four years ago U told him I wanted a divorce when the children left him for uni, which they have now (although one is back for remote learning)
H did but want a divorce because it will cost him money and he is exceptionally mean, even though he has large amounts of cash in his business as well as large pension property etc.
We have led pretty much separate lives since then. He will not move out of ‘his’ house even though he could but another one outright. He has done no maintenance at all on this house and the boiler broke over a years ago and he will not pay give a new one so the house is freezing. I can’t afford to do it as my salary is only enough for me and the DC (he gives them nothing) and he prefers to gave electric heaters etc and immersion heater because it is more expensive than gas and I have to pay the fuel bills. He used to pay them but they were in my name and at one point he just stopped paying do a huge debt built up in my name that I knew nothing about and I had to borrow money from my (pensioner) parents to pay.
The OW has now left her H. She has four kids and would just love my house. H says he would not shack up with a woman with four kids, but she is a very determined type, has no job and could easily have him if she wanted- till now I think she has enjoyed having him on a string and coming running whenever she snaps her fingers. I think he bought her a car this summer.
Anyway -sorry this shorter version is so long!
Am finally ready to make the break as I hate my uni DC living in this situation and seeing it as normal. As a teacher I am really busy at the moment so hoping to contact a solicitor this week and try to get things moving before Xmas.
How long can he string things out to delay a financial hit?

RoseMartha:
Congrats, new home, new start! I hope it’s a happy place for you x

Tiddleypops:
Sorry ExH is being an idiot even after the absolute, but does he know how to be anything else? Still a win! Hope it goes well x

Itsmeandimscared:
I am so sorry for your loss. Sorry that I wasn’t here to at least offer comfort. You sound like you are running on empty. Please take of yourself 😘

Things here are quiet, thanks to covid.
Still in the house, which is peaceful.
Still waiting on ExH to complete forms 🙄
Things are going well with my daughter, coming for xmas, so excited!
One toed sloth, still sleeping, eating, gaming and a bit of uni work!

To you other ladies, welcome.
We have a lovely group here, come and vent anytime!

Love and hugs ❤️

Hello all, some new friends joining I see and struggling with horrible situations. I don't understand how so many people can get divorced etc so easily - you must all know couples like that? Trying to think how long I've been posting on these threads? I remember nearly 3 years ago telling my oldest DD that H and I would split soon, and then youngest DD became unwell with depression and the rest as they say is history.

So my situation now - my long awaited operation has been promised for January - if it goes well by March/April I should be more independent (able to lift the laundry basket that sort of thing). I've also come into a small lump sum, a few thousand from an old pension, and I have opened a secret bank account and hidden it. H knew of the pension and originally we both thought it was worth nothing as it was a very old complicated scheme. He did spot the paperwork saying it was worth a lot more so its now on his radar but he "leaves all that to me" - he never gets involved with finances which means he can simply blame me for everything. I told him I would query it with the company and he has never asked about it again. If he does, I will say it turned out to be worth a couple of thousand and we're using it for DD's private treatment (which is true, but the rest is hidden!)

DD17 had a complete breakdown over the summer with lockdown after 2 years of MH issues - she's not back at school, so unwell now that each day we are just hoping to get through it and H has calmed down some of his behaviour so its made things manageable. I am hoping that with treatment and the right meds, DD will be a bit more stable in the Spring. She still wants to put her UCAS application in, so this time next year I could be sat here on my own! But seriously, her future is uncertain so I need to make sure I have a decent place to move to once this is sold, to accommodate her maybe in the uni holidays but maybe permanently.

I've worked out getting a new mortgage etc and its very tight, because I am 58 now the "window" to borrow is getting smaller and smaller - I feel very strongly that 2021 is my last chance to leave. But we'd be selling up post the stamp duty holiday so I reckon we will struggle to get the exact amount we need to give both H and I a chance to buy.

I noticed upthread @myotherface was going to have "the conversation" - that's always been my greatest fear - I too am wondering if @Myotherface is ok?

So glad we are all still here to support each other though.

I suppose I thought I should talk to him because we are still living in the same house @Itistimeandiamscared and @Tiddleypops and because my solicitor told me that if we can come to an agreement it will cost less.

I took a deep breath and brought it up today and it went better than expected, not in terms of outcome (he still thinks he is in the right) but in that I said my piece and told him that him getting more is not acceptable to me. That is a massive step for me, in the past I would have been too afraid to say what I really feel.

It will now be in the hands of our solicitors but I suppose I wanted to let him see that I will no longer just be compliant.

@DishingOutDone good news about your operation and for your situation with your daughter.

Welcome from me too to the new members, sorry that you find yourselves in this situation but glad you have found this thread, it has been a real help to me at a very difficult time.

Hello all, turns out STBXH and I are very unlikely to agree on separation finances, not sure what to do.

We had another chat about what happens next and he seems to think that after we split and sell the house we should still have joint finances so I can subsidise him until we are divorced. That could be more than 18 months away if we go for 2 years separation. Don't know how that would even work, both in our own places but still with joint finances?

I don't know what to do next. Do I just start divorce proceedings knowing that he'll be really difficult, may defend and will drag his heels? At least if we divorce it will be final.

We're living in this weird limbo where we are separated and still under the same roof but I don't know how much longer I can stand it. Should I just leave? I feel like my mental health is suffering, I feel like I'm close to being broken. Counselling helps but it is making me face things I've been burying for a long time and that's hard.

I think I need to leave but I don't know if leaving him living in the marital home while I move out is the best move. Guess I'll need to speak to my solicitor. Thanks for listening ladies to you all.

Hey everyone....
Currently on my way back. I arrive in the UK this afternoon.

@Somefantasticplace, so sorry to hear how this is affecting you. My initial reaction was d'on't leave the marital home', only because that's what I have heard adviced over the years. There must be some wisdom to it because solicitors are still giving that advice.
Regarding joint finances after you split and sell the house, I can't see how that would work or how that makes any sense. Please speak to your solicitor. They could advice you better. What I can say is that he may be saying all these things because subconsciously he is still trying to hang on to you and him in some way. When the reality hits, he would not want joint finances. My STBXH declared so many things he would demand/he wanted, when it actually came to it....... his demands had melted away.
Your H can get difficult, drag his heels at any point in the process for any number of reasons... so if you want out, don't let your fears about what he may do hold you back.
Can I ask, why does your H feel he needs you to subsidise him? What is the situation with him... is he retired or out of work/job seeking or ill health....?
Please, forgive me if you have mentioned why before.

@Somefantasticplace, do take it easy. This always more difficult and extremely stressful in the beginning.. Please take care of yourself.
Some of these issues will sort out themselves. Look after yourself. Eat, drink, sleep, exercise, sleep and take it one day at a time. Be really kind to yourself and please, really take it one day at a time. It makes a difference. Also try meditation. It really helps. The ladies here have some great recommendations for meditation. I use headspace. At times when you feel like this, try it, it helps.

Thank you @Itistimeandiamscared, the situation is that I earn more than him and that has planning to give up work next year to go back to study full time so will have little or no earnings. He thinks I owe him for the time he 'subsidised' me while I stayed at home to look after our children when they were young.

I will speak to my solicitor and I know I haven't been looking after myself properly lately, not eating well and not exercising. I feel like I'm living in a kind of purgatory, in lockdown with him, both working from home. I can't get away so that's why the propect of just leaving seems so good. I don't want to mess up my financial future though so I'll take the solicitor's advice.

I guess my mistake has been to believe him when he said we could work out an amicable separation agreement and wait for the divorce. I don't know if he ever intended that to happen and feel quite stupid to have allowed all of these delays. It's nearly a year since I said I wanted to divorce and we are no further forward. He's talking to his solicitor again this week, hopefully they can talk some sense into him but he hears what he wants to hear so I don't hold out much hope.

Oh @Somefantasticplace that all sounds so horribly familiar. I really feel for you.
Definitely see what the solicitor says. It's such bullshit that he 'subsidised' you while the DC were small. How about you offered free childcare so he owes you for that? What a twat.

I'm not sure, I'm reality, how much leaving the marital home affects the final settlement. My XH was adamant he wouldn't move out because he was "protecting his assets". In reality, his assets were a share in the home I bought for us. He never paid anything for it.
Nonetheless, he got his "share" and I can't see how this would have been any less had he moved out sooner, it made not a jot of difference whether he lived there or not.
I can see how it might affect things in cases where a couple separate, then divorce years later - perhaps then it comes into play because both parties have moved on financially in some way. Anyway, it would be for your solicitor to say, because it is different for everyone I guess.

Agree with @Itistimeandiamscared, be prepared for lots of hot air and foot stamping. Think if him as a tantrumming toddler. Sometimes it's easier to appease them, sometimes you have to stand your ground, but always they are creating a scene which doesn't necessarily mean anything. Take his threats with a pinch of salt and don't engage with that sort of behaviour.

This sense of entitlement ran through my whole divorce. It was awful to deal with. Coming here definitely helped as well as other sources of support. I really get that feeling of being stuck and powerless to move forward, I was there for a long time too. You will get there though, you will

Thanks for the support @Tiddleypops, you are so right about the tantrums. I have been feeling really stuck and really annoyed that I trusted him to do what he said.

I know what you mean about entitlement too, that sums it up nicely. I'll see what my solicitor has to say but I really just want to start divorce proceedings now. As things are, he has no incentive to do anything so he can just string me along.

One thing that I have decided is to have my wedding and engagenent rings cut off when the jewellers reopen. I can't get them off any other way (overweight plus swollen finger joints) and I don't want to wear them anymore. That will send a clear signal that we're finished.

I really want to go back to my maiden name too, just not sure when to do that. I like the idea of my new home (whether rented or bought) not having his name attached to it.