Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

@DishingOutDone I don't know what to say, you are in such a difficult position 😔 It would be hard without lockdown.
Oh how different life would be, if he would just go away and leave you in peace, it's him who needs to go. For the well being of your DD. One day at a time is all we can do. Sending strength and love your way xx

@Somefantasticplace good luck with your lawyer, I hope you can get things moving. You have made the right decision (and I know in my experience that it took years of agonising, so I'm sure that now you are in the right head space, the finish point cannot come soon enough).

How is everyone else doing?

Well we had 'the talk' where I told him I'm talking to my lawyer tomorrow and going ahead with filing for divorce. His reaction was every bit as bad as I expected and he talked at me for an hour. Said everything I thought he would from how I'm the one who has been unreasonable and he has been a great husband to how I'll be spending tens of thousands of pounds as he will have to defend.

Basically everything is my fault and I'm a really horrible person and he's in no way to blame for anything.

It wasn't nice but I said very little except that this is what I'm doing and whe he tried to bring up old arguments I refused to rerun them.

Then I had a large glass of wine. Glad that's over, I'll talk to my solicitor tomorrow and get papers ready, although I don't suppose I've heard the last from him.

Hello all. I'd like to join in :) Thanks to the advice I got on another thread, I filed for divorce 10 days ago and today got the email that the application has been approved - yay! So relieved I got the first bit done on my own.

@Somefantasticplace well done for telling him. I was so so nervous about telling my DH, had awful anxiety the few days prior. But it's done now, you've set the ball rolling. Hopefully you feel some relief? And hopefully your solicitor will be able to offer good advice.

@Somefantasticplace very well done, I know I will get similar if not worse when I do the "talk". Can I ask are you concerned about how he will behave now? You said DCs are back to uni soon or already - I was thinking I'd do my "talk" when they are out of the house so as to protect them from his reaction, but also that I'd want it to be during holidays so they were here to tone him down if you see what I mean - he doesn't have many inhibitions even round them but I am just hoping it means he won't get violent if he knows they would "catch him out" - not sure that makes sense.

@twosmallbuttons - that sounds brilliant! Are you too going to have to live with H in the same house whilst things are being sorted out?

@DishingOutDone yes we're in the family home still until finances and Covid allow otherwise. It's not what I want really but at least it means we have plenty of opportunities to talk when necessary, and for me to get paperwork etc sorted.
Oh and start cleaning out all the crap in the house prior to selling

@DishingOutDone I waited until both of them had gone back to keep them out of it. I am a bit concerned about how he'll behave but it will most likely be in the form of giving me bad looks and long lectures and telling me what a terrible person I am.

I'm not worried about violence as that has never been a problem and he knows our DCs would never speak to him again if he hurt me.

I'm waiting to see though. We're still in the house together for now but I may move out if it gets too bad to bear.

@Somefantasticplace, well done for having that conversation. It's a horrible thing to have to go through. I would take 90% of what he says as hot air. Unless you are millionaires, then I can see no solicitor ever advising him to defend. What would be the point? Just keep letting his words fall into space and thin air, nod, shrug, disengage. Easier said than done, especially in lockdown I know.

@DishingOutDone still holding you in my thoughts. Do you think you will tell him soon or are you still having to wait? 😔

@twosmallbuttons well done on coming this far! Did you apply online? Hopefully things will go smoothly for you. I know the pain of cohabiting while divorcing only too well. Mine was (is) an alcoholic, and lost his job during divorce. His sense of entitlement was horrendous. I wish I never had to see him ever again, but unfortunately we have a DS so I have to communicate and see him often. Life is much easier now we aren't in the same house.

@Tiddleypops yes online application, so much easier and quicker! Just such a relief to have the first step done. Thinking of you all

Evening ladies, got the draft divorce petition from my solicitor today and I'm feeling really emotional tonight. I'm not really sure why, it's what I want, but seeing it all written out coldly on an official document felt like a punch in the guts.

I'm going to make a couple of small changes to what she wrote for the grounds then ask him one last time if there is any way we can agree a wording so he won't defend. If he says no I'll tell her to file.

I just don't understand why I feel so upset tonight, surely I should be happy that I'm doing what I want to at last? It's definitely not that I think I want to stay married to him, I do want a divorce but I suppose this makes it very real.

I suppose I'm also scared about how he'll react when he sees the grounds (she put in ALL of the examples I gave her, about 8 things) as we are still shut in together.

Think I'll crawl under the duvet and have a bit of a cry now. Deal with it tomorrow.

Blimey @Somefantasticplace! Thats a Big Thing - how did he react? Are you ok?

Oh sorry just saw you still need to make some changes.

Hi @DishingOutDone I'm a lot calmer today thanks. I woke up this morning and sent a couple of tiny changes to my solicitor and I've already got the final draft back.

She has suggested we write to him first to say I'm filing and to ask for him to complete a form E within a month. I've agreed so I suppose the actual submission of the form (online now even for solicitors apparently) will happen after that. I've got my form E to complete too so I'll get on with that.

I'm bracing myself for a very bad reaction when he gets the letter and then a worse one when he ses the petition with the grounds but I'm pressing on.

I just googled form E as I wasn't 100% sure about it, and came across a page talking about the "no fault" divorce law coming in, saying it might be in place by autumn 2021. Far too long for you to wait @Somefantasticplace but an intriguing idea for me

Oh @Somefantasticplace I think your feelings are totally understandable. I grieved for my marriage! Not for the man, but for the family and the life and all the things I'd signed up for. I cried for that.
I was also terrified about how my H would take the petition. He didn't take it well at all, he "vehemently disagreed" apparently and his solicitor wrote to me and told me this... It's worth noting though that he didn't defend.
There is an option for the respondent to disagree or reject the reasons but to agree with the divorce, it's a tick box on the form I seem to remember. I'm certain that any legal advisor to your H will tell him just to do that. No one in their right mind would tell him to defend. And even if he decided to anyway, it would get laughed out of court... Not that that is much of a consolation, but it all just adds to the pain and the agony.
Anyway, good luck, I hope the next few days go smoothly for you.

Oh @DishingOutDone, do you think it will happen? The no fault divorce really needs to come in ASAP and yes it could really help you here. Although I hate the thought of you having to wait until then. Is there any option at all to separate and sort divorce later?

@Tiddleypops @DishingOutDone I was planning to go down the separate now and get no-fault divorce later route but we couldn't agree on how to manage finances and split the equity on our house.

We did initially come to an agreement to split everything 50/50 then as soon as we got solicitors involved to draw up a separation agreement he changed his mind and wanted more. I felt that I couldn't trust him to stick to any agreement so that when it came time to divorce we'd be back to square one, negotiating on finance again.

That's why I've decided to file for divorce now, at least the finances will be finalised and it will be court ordered.

I was also a bit worried that the plan to enact the no fault divorce legislation this Autumn may be pushed back by Covid and I'd be waiting even longer.

It would have been my preferred way to do it though, if I could have put up with living with him in the meantime or if we could have agreed the finances.

I've taken the big step now - told the solicitor to file today. I feel excited and terrified in equal measures.

I'm glad you've done it. The fact he agrees to separate shows just how bonkers it would be to defend. It makes complete sense in the circumstances. His only reason for not going along with it is because it suits him to be able to change the goalposts every 5 minutes, and this means he won't get away with it. Stay safe and warm and lots of warm drinks

Interesting and thanks for discussing it. I want to go for a larger share of the equity as H has a large pension and DD may need extra support long past 18 - we have no idea if she could ever be independent. But I am younger so I can still work and get a small mortgage. I'd prefer to give him some money to rent with so that he is not in the house whilst the sale is going forward because he will be hell and DD can't cope with the slightest show of emotion/anger etc.

In an ideal world, I'd like to pay him to leave for a while, stay in this house for another year/18 months then sell but that would leave him renting and in limbo and my secret savings stash would be used on helping him to afford rent (his private pension and part time job don't give the multiplier to qualify for a 1 bed flat! Estate agents wouldnt let him do viewings without 6 months rent to hand)

There is something else coming up which is relatively new and which has muddied the waters even further - I have discovered a wealthy relative, I can't go into details of course, but H has got it into his head that this relative will give me a gift. He wants to be around to share this possible "good fortune". Wealthy relative has a particularly unusual hobby and H has taken an interest in it. Literally made me feel sick to see what he was doing, I could see exactly what he was up to.

So now H is even more invested in digging his heels in

@Somefantasticplace its always both encouraging and awesome to hear of people taking that step on this thread, it does happen! Well done. We are all behind you.

@DishingOutDone, you should be entitled to a larger share of the equity.
One thing that always strikes me, in all our situations, is that we are the ones trying to make things 'ok' for everyone involved, including our XH/STBXH! Oh if the roles were reversed, they would not give a tiny crap about how we house or feed ourselves.
I hope your relative can see through your H attempts to manipulate them 😔

@DishingOutDone how awful to see your H sucking up to your relative, that would make me feel sick too.

I agree about us trying to make things ok or to be nice. I agonised for ages yesterday about whether I should tell my H before telling my solicitor to submit the divorce petition. Then I remembered now vile he was to me when we were talking about it and decided I don't need to tell him anything anymore, we'll let the solicitors deal with it.

Rather frustratingly though, after screwing up all my courage to say 'yes, file' the solicitors' portal had a problem and it couldn't be submitted .

Hopefully it will be sorted out very soon and in the meantime she has sent him the 'your wife is divorcing you' letter. Looking forward to that arriving.

How's it going @Somefantasticplace. Did the letter come?

@Tiddleypops yes it arrived on Monday and I know he got it and since then - silence. Actual 'no words if they can be avoided' silence.

I'm used this of course and I'm expecting that the next move will be for me to get a letter from his solicitor saying he'll defend. The letter to him contained a copy of Form E and asked for it to be completed and returned so I expect he'll say he isn't doing that as we won't be divorcing.

It's a bit tiring and annoying but sadly predictable.