Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Good idea about the rings. It's a step that you can make that has can have no control over. That's a big thing.
My XH too had no incentive to do anything. I had to drive the whole thing. Is there any reason to delay starting the divorce?
I waited 10 months, assuming that we'd come to an agreement about separation between us too. It's not an unreasonable assumption really, it's it?! It can be a long slow process, (even without someone who wants to drag their feet) and the courts are ridiculously busy right now, so maybe that would be a reason you could give to him for why you're getting the ball rolling.

There was a thread here the other day about name changing. Posters seemed to be saying that you can do that at any time, so go for it if you can! Another step in the right direction, another of his hooks into you carefully removed.

I still don't know what to do about my name.
I prefer my maiden name, I still use maiden name at work.
But I have a 7 year old. If he were younger, or much older, I don't think it would matter, but he understands enough about names to know we are The Smith Family (names changed to protect the innocent ). So my inclination is to stay as I am.

But what about title? What am I now I'm not married any more? Am I a Ms? Can I still be a Mrs?!

My DCs are adults so that makes the name change thing easier, and I've already told them in planning to do it sometime. I think I'll go with Ms, feel too old for Miss and don't want to be a Mrs anymore 😁

Only reason that has stopped me from going for divorce so far is the fear of his reaction but counselling is helping me face that fear. Also I thought we might be able to reach an agreement but I seriously doubt that now. It will be a shitstorm but at least I wouldn't be dancing to his tune anymore.

@Tiddleypops, your post talking about names etc made me smile a bit.
I always kept my maiden name professionally but used my married name for other things.
I have kept status quo because good for the children to see letters come in with the same surname as them. But I changed from Miss/Mrs to Ms. So now I am a Ms.

Regarding names after divorce, it is literally whatever you choose to be.
Miss, Ms, stay a Mrs.... Maiden name.. Married name..a new surname... It is your choice.
I have seen lots of women make lots of different choices... Life goes on.. No one gives a d..

and people always assume anyway. One of my bank accounts has been Miss My maiden from the very first day I opened it as an A level student. It remained so after marriage but they persist in calling me Mrs... even before I got married.

How is everyone doing? Hopefully feeling strong and looking forward to the festive season.

I spoke to my solicitor this week about filing for divorce in the new year. I think this is how it will have to be, it's the only way I can get a final financial settlement. I'll wait until the DCs have gone back to university and do it then as the atmosphere will be toxic.

We will say that he should pay costs if he defends and hope his solicitor will talk him out of it. If he wants to waste his own money that's up to him. We've had a few masterclasses in DARVO recently so no doubt he'll end up the victim of my money grasping.

I sent my solicitor some unreasonable behaviour grounds to look over and these will hopefully be enough. I talked to her about just moving out and her advice was to try to stay put to make sure the house sale happens but to leave if my health is suffering and I think it will help.

I did go and have my rings cut off and I expected it to be quite emotional but I just felt flat. I suppose it's symbolically a big step but I'm a bit too emotionally drained to feel much.

Getting through Christmas and New Year will be tough but at least it isn't just the two of us in the house for a while.

@Somefantasticplace, sending you strength.

This Christmas and new year will be difficult.... but DC are excited. I am trying to get in the spirit... I will get in the mood. And honestly, I will. I want to make it so fun and colourful for them (and me). I am really hoping I get back on track soon.

I am taking a couple of weeks off work. I think I want to have a career change. I just don't know what I want to do. My counsellor and GP think I am making rash decisions.

One good thing is... it will be me and the DC... no abusive H and abusive's H's family who use these times to reassess, rejudge and re write me off again! Looking back, I can't believe how badly I was maltreated and how I tolerated it . I get embarrassed if it pops into my mind.
I am sincerely so grateful for where I am now. I feel peace at home, I feel safe.

Hang in there @Somefantasticplace, this time too will pass. I hope you do find some joy in the season's celebrations.

I hope we can all take a break from our 'stuff' and try and get some genuine joy and enjoyment from this period.

Wishing everyone a very merry Christmas.

@Itistimeandiamscared the thing that really resonantes with me from your post, is the bit about you having peace in your home this Christmas. I feel that too. My house last year was awful, it was not a home. I did make the best of it, but it was really tough.

I was very keen, when ex H moved out, to get decorating and renovating immediately. I underestimated how exhausted I was to be honest, so of course, I haven't actually started yet yet! But gosh, even with a threadbare carpet and a tatty old sofa in the front room, it just feels so comfortable and homely now, with the Christmas tree up etc 😊
I'm looking forward to it. There will be difficulties with XH and DS, but it will not be in my home this time and that makes me feel so relieved.

@Somefantasticplace it sounds like you are making some progress and preparing in sensible ways. It's not actually long now until January - 2021 will come with positive change for you. With DC home for Christmas, hopefully you can refocus on them and as Itistime says, hopefully you'll find some joy in that.

Thanks for your kind words @Itistimeandiamscared and @Tiddleypops, it helps to hear how other people are further on than me and are getting to have more of the Christmas they want.

Although this year will have its difficult moments (including inlaws coming to stay for 5 days) I'll get to the other side. Having my DC home does make a massive difference, last week I had my first hug since the start of October but there have been many this week.

It helps so much to have somewhere to come and talk about this and I am looking forward to Christmas more each day

That's a lovely message @Tiddleypops, I totally get you... having peace at home totally changes the way we perceive our home even with the same furnishings and decorations..

@Somefantasticplace, so lovely to hear you are getting hugs. May your Christmas be filled with many such lovely moments and many more nice times.

Wishing all of us a Christmas filled with nice times and loads of lovely moments. I am really wishing we are all able to find some joy during this time.

I've decided to go back to my maiden name.
It was the Christmas cards that did it - addressed to Ms MarriedName. Sounds like some spinster 😖
Don't feel I can be a Miss / Mrs MarriedName just don't feel right either. So Miss MaidenName it is 😊
Easier said than done. Passport office require marriage certificate, which does not get returned by the divorce courts (and it was already a replacement I had to buy when the divorce court lost my proper original, I resent having to buy a third 🙄).

Just think how much better it will feel when you get the name you want @Tiddleypops.

I talked to my solicitor about changing mine this week but she thought it would be better to wait as she has someone else who changed after filing for divorce and it caused complications. As soon as I can though, I'm following in your footsteps

Good for you I guess you can start being known by your old name and change it on unimportant/unofficial things, online accounts and so on?
It feels good. I never particularly liked my married name. I tried to keep my maiden name when we got married (by which I mean I asked his permission and he kicked off about it and said I had to take his name Jeez, why oh why did I put up with such shit treatment and even worse, marry him?!) I'm a bit sad I won't have the same name as DS.

I was thinking about that, I think I'll set up an email account in my old name and see what else I can change without causing problems. At least that would feel like progress.

You were braver than me, at least you brought up the topic of not changing your name when you married, I knew what a stink it would cause and didn't even bother.

Well here it is.... Christmas!

A Christmas like no other. Burying a stepsister on 23/12 from covid 2
I’ve tried to be quiet, just lurking in the background, not that it seems I’ve been missed!!

What a yr it’s been, mine starting and ending with a death 💀

I’m still in the martial home struggling! But I have my health and both my kids for Xmas this year, things could be different, so I’m grateful for that. Captain chaos has finally asked The court for a financial settlement after farting about for 2 yrs ( in Feb)

Lost myself in my marriage , lost my daughter thru separation, lost my mind with the divorce.

But 2020 has taught me patience and gratitude, 2021 is the year I will find myself on a new path, excited about that! I am strong, true, healthy and even optimistic ❤️

I wish you all a peaceful, drama free, loving, healthy Christmas and a wonderful 2021 xx

@user1486131602 just came on to see how everyone is. So sorry to hear about your step-sister What a year it has been for you, even without COVID that would be a lot to bear. But thank god capt Chaos himself has gone to court.

Of course @Tiddleypops has a great update, so proud of her (vicarious joy!) @Itistimeandiamscared you have been through so much its great to hear that its just you and the DC at Christmas. Thank you for always having time for all of us. @Tiedupwithstrings just scrolling back to see if you've updated? @Somefantasticplace hope you have a peaceful Christmas too.

My update? Well, H is still here, still the same, good day, bad days, but we are just plodding along. DD's mental health has got worse, lots of professionals involvement, psychiatrists and the like, but nothing seems to help so I now have to think, if she doesn't get any stronger shall I just tell him to leave anyway? Could she cope? Still waiting for my operation - the hospital is in tier 4 so I am still thinking like fuck do I want to go there for an op! So maybe i will wait even longer now.

But you know I have my DDs here, I dont wish death destruction or plague on H and if he starts throwing his weight around I come down as hard as I can on him. We are all alive and kicking in our various ways so I'll take that. Christmas day will be boring and if it is, I will be bloody grateful.

Love to all the amazing women on this thread who have inspired me to keep on going, wishing you a calm festive season!

@user1486131602 I am so so sorry to hear about you losing your step sister to this hateful virus Sending hugs.
I'm very pleased though to hear you will have Christmas with both your kids, that's brilliant news. It just goes to show the way you dealt with things with your DD, your patience and consistency, really paid off, although I know it was so tough at the time. I'm sad you had to go through all that, but your relationship with her will be so much the better longer term. You've proven you are solid and there for her.

@DishingOutDone I wonder if DDs health would improve if she did not have to live with STBXH. It would probably make such a difference to the atmosphere around her and give her the strength to get better. Gah! But he could make it so difficult too . It's such an impossible situation. A crystal ball would be very useful here.
I know it's a completely different situation with my DS, he's much younger and adaptable and the separation was almost invisible to him so there was very little disruption in a practical sense.... but he's just so different now, lighter, more at ease, more playful, (talks nonstop 😂) - and I was so convinced that the atmosphere wasn't affecting him, that I was protecting him.
I know there are practical reasons for you delaying too, I really feel for you I can't believe you are still waiting for your operation. I had to smile about the boring Christmas day, but I know exactly what you mean .

Wishing everyone a peaceful Christmas, I hope we can all find some joy in the little things (and hopefully big things too, but it is 2020 after all!)

Hi, everyone.
How was Christmas?
How are we all today?

@user1486131602, so great to read from you. You had been on my mind. So sorry to hear about your loss. May her soul rest in peace. How are you doing today? How are the sloth and your DD?

@RoseMartha and @Tiedupwithstrings
How are you? Have not heard from you both for some time. I hope you are okay and things are not too bad.
@RoseMartha, how have you been coping with your DP... especially with all these different Tiers and you have work, DC to look after and Christmas thrown in...? You live closer to them now, right? How has it been working out? Thinking of you.

@DishingOutDone, I read your update and I could just feel how difficult things are so difficult. I really hope your DD MH gets better. Regarding your surgery and all these Tiers & rising cases... elective procedures are being held off again. Have you heard anything from the hospital? Sending you strength....one day at a time.

@Somefantasticplace, how are you?

@Tiddleypops, how was Christmas? How are you? I hope this Christmas was a nice one for you and DS. I am so happy for you and DS and your new beginning. I actually did think of you on Christmas day and I smiled thinking it is surely a better Christmas than last year and you must be happy today.

DC and I had a nice Christmas. I worked really hard to make it fun.

I am still off work. Even though I know I need this break and mentally I am not great, I feel so very guilty being off work knowing how busy the NHS is right now.
I am having therapy. I am told all the time that I will get back to the normal me... It has been a very difficult two years plus & I am worried that this anxiety, feeling lost, feeling inadequate, feeling inferior, lack of motivation, absence of any zeal, marked laziness and being directionless is the new me. It's scary.

Just sending a shout out to everyone. Let us know how your Christmas went and how you are doing.

Best wishes for the New Year 😘

Hello all, hope everyone had as peaceful and happy a Christmas as possible.

I'm OK thanks @Itistimeandiamscared, Christmas day itself was quiet and we all managed to sit down to dinner together (STBXH cooked his own, his choice) and it has all stayed polite so far.

DCs start going back to university soon and that's when I'll tell him I'm filing for divorce. I'm not looking forward to that but I've been checking out places to rent on Rightmove in case I decide it's too awful to stay and looking at holidays for the Summer and that's cheering me up.

I'm kind of dreading New Year's Eve as wishing each other a happy New Year seems a bit wrong as it's likely to be anything but happy at the start. We'll keep it civil for the DCs though and it's only another day to get through.

Sending wonderful New Year wishes to everyone

Sending you all hugs 🤗🤗

Glad to read your updates, and see you are slowly making progress. User sorry to hear your news.

Things are fairly difficult. We are in T4 which is not helping matters.
Dc difficult. They are settled in flat but hate it if that makes sense. Mainly because they are embarrassed to live here as it is low end of housing market mixed with social housing. They think they deserve better and the latest is that if i had not divorced their dad we would still have the house, so it is my fault they have to live in the flat and they can not wait until they are 18 and can move out and buy something for £400k. (I think he has been talking to them bc he keeps having strops and verbal aggression to me about where he lives). I have also told them they wont be able to afford that at 18!

Exh continues to try and abuse me. I am trying not to let him. Also being controlling with dc and when choosing to have them. Driving me nuts.

From my pov flat is fine and neighbours friendly but not over friendly which works for me.

Parents gone downhill. Unable to manage taking their pills independently . Had to get them a PA. also they do not understand covid and rules. Nightmare really it is.

This will make you laugh although was not funny at the time.

Dc and I took my parents for first vaccine . It was chaos . Dc wld not stand in queue in rain to save a place and in the end I had them all in car. Dd with asd and my parents could not understand why we had to wait. Nurses said we had to wait. The parents and dc needed loo. They could not wait for jab or wait to go loo. Dd threatening to wet her pants. (She is 13), all started getting aggressive in car. I had to go back to nurse and explain i was stuck in the car with parents with dementia and kids with asd etc who didnt understand and needed the loo. Finally they let us in

Then dc were not allowed back in car after loo. So we all had to wait for parents to get vaccine. Parents are acting like kids and swinging their masks around and shouting. Dc are refusing to wear masks as my parents were refusing. Dc are filming my parents acting like children. Some other people gave me 'i feel sorry for you looks'.

Parents unable to answer Dr questions . Parents not really understanding and i had to shout as they are deaf and refuse hearing aids.

Then to prolong my agony we had to wait 15 mins after the jabs in case of adverse reaction. Only seats for parents. I was about to have a nervous breakdown at this point.

Dc would not help me help parents back to car. It was one of the worst two hours of my life. Yes the whole thing took two hours!

Yes still juggling wfh also. Dd refusing school in jan if only one going, but has a place due to SN.

@RoseMartha - all that was just 2 hours?! Jesus that's a fucking month's worth of stress right there!!

Glad you have come back to update even though it sounds tough, at least you are in your own flat. One of the limiting aspects of my DD's MH condition is that she would not be able to cope with housing that she considers "inadequate". We've currently got a fairly big 3 bed semi that was refurbished 3 years ago and she still struggles with it as its not quite what she likes. She doesn't leave the house currently but when she did she wouldnt go anywhere with mismatched furniture or patterned carpets. Sounds comical when I say it like that but I can imagine how your DC are esp if DD has ASD as some of the issues are similar. Exhausting stuff.

Oh @RoseMartha that was exhausting reading that! I really feel for you, I don't know how you managed to keep your cool. You are so strong.
I feel for you with the XH messing about plans with DC. I'm starting to get this too now. I've no idea when XH will next see DS right now, he's working shifts and told me I must fit in with him, but then isn't telling me what shifts he's on. So I'm expected to keep DS free for whenever XH feels like seeing him on a whim Anyway, I'm lucky that this is now my only real issue. That, and I'd quite like some child maintenance!! (It's been promised that he'll transfer 'something' but of course he has only said that to appease me and make me go away for a bit).
Good luck with the school return next week.

@Itistimeandiamscared something you said really resonated with me, the bit where you know you need a break but also feel lazy (you are not btw). I feel this. I simultaneously know I deserve a rest and then feel shit for having a rest!!
One thing that really helped me yesterday was to do a couple of planning jobs, for things I will be doing to the house at a later date (garden thing and emailed a company for some information about their services etc). Things that took very little effort but I felt like I had accomplished something with my time.

@Somefantasticplace not long to go now. I know what you mean about pretending to be happy about new year. As you say, one day at a time. You will soon be on the other side of it.

@DishingOutDone I hope you managed to through Christmas OK. It sounds like you have things under control in the short term. Have you thought any more about what to do about what to do next? This operation situation dragging on forever and then more because of Covid does not help at all does it?!

So, here it is 2021!
I don’t know if people are happier that we got rid of 2020 or that’s 2021 started🤦🏼‍♀️
Any way to all of you happy HEALTHY new year !

Thank you all for your commiserations. I am fine.

Xmas eve spent with both my kids, had a nice meal together.
Xmas day, the one toed sloth actually managed to get up in the right time zone To have gifts and eat...No small Feat 🦥
Boxing Day drink fest at dads cancelled, thank you corona!
Had a nice time with a friend ( in my bubble) and sloth last night, so HNY for us all?

Tiddleypops
Thank you for your kind words.
I’m hoping that things are improving for you

RoseMartha
Wow! Just wow! What a sh1tfest to deal with and all that for a vaccine!
Difficult as it is I’m glad you were forced to get a PA for parents, you needed help. I hope that continues for you this yr!

Itsmeandimscared
I know you find it difficult to be off work but you needed a rest and that without everything else you’ve been dealing with.

Thank you for remembering me when you have so much else on your plate. Just be sure to ‘ step away for the chaos’ take the time you need to heal, and you will it just takes time.

DishingOutDone
Oh lawn! Still waiting for the op.....better than catching the wuhan as well! I hope the situation calms down for you and that the op will come around soon. Thank you for your kind words about my stepsister, but I am really fine.

So , this year I’m looking forward...I’m going to pursue my own happiness ( I don’t know what this means yet) after spending years taking care of everyone else’s! And it sounds like my divorce will be final soon, thank god, also don’t know what that means for me either!
But, it won’t be sitting waiting, and letting anxiety get the better of me.
I wish all you amazing ladies the same, strength, love, happiness and health 🦥 ❤️

Hello all - I cant believe its 12 days since the last post on this thread (@user1486131602) - it seems like years.

Had a bad week, youngest DD's (DD2) MH is so poor and then older DD (DD1) has set a date to go back to uni and I am thinking fuck, this is going to be awful. Only good thing is H will then go back to sleep in DD1s room whilst she is away. But I will miss her she does so much round the house to help me and helps look after her sister with meds, food and just someone to talk to. DD2 is going through one of her I Hate Mum phases, its all my fault, I hate her, no wonder she has MH problems because I ignore her, I think she's mad - and so on.

H has been particularly nasty this week too. I was sat up 4am the other night thinking dear god how on earth can I get out of this? Even if I wanted to say fuck it all, fuck the operation I am waiting for etc., put the house on the market now, DD2 couldn't cope. She can't even go out in the car at the moment this house is her prison and her sanctuary. She has OCD too so no one can come in the house. Caring for her is becoming over-whelming. We are still looking at uni for her just in case, I want her to have options, but I am not sure that's going to be feasible.

Scary stuff. H just sits there watching TV for hours on end.

How is everyone with the current "lockdown"?

(Don't know why I said "we" are looking at uni for her, I suppose I mean myself and DD1. H would never help)

Oh @DishingOutDone I really feel for you. I recognise that 4am 'what am I going to do' feeling and hope things get better with DD2 really soon.

My two DC are heading back to uni too, one already gone and the other by the end of the week then and I'll be alone with him again. I'm taking a deep breath and telling him this weekend that I'm filing and he can defend and spend lots of his money on it if he wants. I'm booked in to talk to my lawyer tomorrow to say go ahead. I can't believe it's taken me so long but I've finally (with the help of weeks of counselling) decided that I just have to get over my fear and do it for my own sanity.

Another lockdown is a shocker so I'm also looking on Rightmove at rentals in case it gets too bad.