Just can't believe this is my life

[Shinsplints]

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies so good to hear from you, I'm glad you found @daybyday473 post too, she sounds like an amazing woman (hope you doing ok today @daybyday473 ). Thanks for your advice about Christmas. I agree the best thing for me would be to go to DB but (and I may live to regret this) I've agreed to let (D)H come over for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I'm not sure what we'll do exactly but I just didn't have the heart to keep DS and DH apart. Somehow I'll get through it. Part of my decision making was down to recent (D)H communication with me which I have found to be much more conciliatory & human. I think we are both capable of putting DS first so I think it will be ok (I'm not expecting it to be "good"!). What will you do for Christmas, bunnies?

@Shinsplints I’m much better today thank you. Feeling positive and agreed with my children to sell the house and move on. I know it’s only been 2 weeks but he’s adamant there’s no going back so I’ve decided to take charge. He wants us to keep the house and he’ll pay the mortgage but as my children are all adults he’s under no obligation to do so. So as my son pointed out, why wait for him to tell me he’s not paying anymore. Do it on my terms!!! Still scared and miss him so much. And I know this is a rollercoaster and I could be a quivering wreck again tomorrow!!!!! Hate this feeling! Never in a million did I think we’d split!!!

Hey Shin, I'm glad you feel you can do that.

I had originally thought of having H here, but have decided against it. I just don't think I could deal with it. Fortunately dd & ds are older, and so it's easier and we can make some new traditions. ds was ok with the idea, but dd doesn't want it either, as it won't feel right.

Glad you found the group @Ckb1996. It is so hard in the early days, you feel like you will die. There’s no answer but to keep going – “if you find you’re in hell, keep going.”

Thanks for the thoughts @Shinsplints, and I am hanging in there. Ex has signed the settlement, without any dispute, so things appear to be moving forward for me. Hard to believe, just three months from D-Day, I am divorced. So strange to be single again after 24 years of marriage.

Not sure where the feelings are taking me. Celebrated Thanksgiving with family, without ex or his mother (she usually made the pies). Still some shock with parents, siblings. My pain is less intense today. I once read that this is like having emotional open heart surgery, and it takes time, rest and care to recover. It feels like the pain is lessening.

Wondering if my subconscious is taking it all in, finally, that my ex is a parasite, possibly being used by another parasite to escape her marriage. It’s just better to get away from all these people “using” each other for their self-absorbed lives, without regard for the families and hearts they’ve broken apart. TERRIBLE people, treating others terribly. Glad to see them go.

For me, it leaves an open path. A little scary. Taking things one day at a time. Sadness is still with me, though. What I thought I had. What I thought would be for me, it’s gone now. Something new will come along. I am trying to trust, and go day by day.

Hello @Shinsplints, I also meant to add that it sounds like you have thought carefully about your options. These decisions can be very, very difficult. I am hoping for peace for you and strength to manage the pain, well wishes and take care.

That is so quick @daybyday473 ...are you in the USA? You just can't get divorced that quickly here. I've not even started the process and although I was initially very proactive I have totally stuck my head in the sand over the finances these last couple of months. I am really going to have to force myself to get to grips with it. I think it's part of not wanting to accept this is really happening.

I have been feeling a bit better (not good, just not in the absolute depths of despair) but I wonder if part of that is hoping that (D)H is regretting it all and wishing he could come home. He's not said that he wants to come home but has said he misses me & DS and still loves me. He agreed with me that it was possible to love someone very much but just not be compatible with them anymore (maybe we never were, I don't know). But how do you square loving someone so much with betraying them to this extent? I could never have done this to him even if I wanted to end our relationship. I can't stop this going round my head over and over - ending our relationship is one thing and would have been hard enough but the betrayal, I just don't know how to recover from this.

Hello @Shinsplints....yes, in the USA and a state with no-fault divorce, no attorney needed, pretty fast. I moved quickly because of finances. He is having an affair with his subordinate employee, and I'm worried he'll get fired, have no income, face a harassment lawsuit, etc. I did move fast on the legal end.

Unfortunately, I think my emotional processing is behind the curve. It's been very difficult these past few days. Strong emotions and regrets for something over which I had no control. It's difficult because I can see some ways I have been able to take control, leave an abusive situation. Still, it's so painful, to be betrayed by someone you thought you could trust. It's a huge disappointment, and lonely to be living on my own after 25+ years. Just a lot of pain, hurt, grief and other feelings cycling. I agree the recovery can seem unimaginable at times.

It's the worst feeling ever. None understands till they been through it. Still in shock myself. I get the haunting of them.

We worked together and I had no idea he was planning to leave me. How stupid am I. Never did I think he would do this. He was still affectionate . I've stopped seeing him now as he hurts too much. The betrayal, lies ,

I've just told (D)H that we can start off with a DIY divorce and no point in waiting to start the process as it won't be any cheaper...and asking would he prefer it to be on grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour. All he cares about was the fact that his gf is on benefits so he is worried about the court documents going to their address. Can anyone advise if this is likely to problematic? I can't believe that SHE is even getting in the way of my fucking divorce. I'm livid and devastated at once.

Well done for taking some control. It will be good to get the process started. As for her address being on the document. How is that your problem? I wouldn't be giving it any head space. If it causes them a problem it is up to him to find a solution.

I know in principle you're right @unicornsarereal72 but I suppose if there is a way to make this easier for him to sign then it is better for me in the long run. It makes me hate her more though and I know that's not good for me.

Tell him to get a Post Office box and have his papers sent there, so he doesn't have to worry about his girlfriend's benefits being affected. I know it's a pain having to even think about her, but as time goes on you'll get used to it.

Sending a hand hold by the way OP. I've been in your situation too, AND also just before Christmas. Had to let him come and see the kids on Christmas Day and it was so infuriating, but I kept smiling until he left . That was 15 years ago . The kids are grown up now and are ( almost ) unaffected . I'm happily remarried and living the life I always dreamed of. A happy outcome is always a possibility, OP. Sending my good thoughts to you .

First of all well done for having the courage to write out to people. You will be stronger and more capable to handle any situations that come your way in the future. At the moment you feel rotten because its trust thats broken. However to get better ,take charge. Go for online divorce say no to any favours for him eg re address etc. Be brave. When you stand up for yourself you will gain inner strength. Best wishes

Thank you @ShippingNews it's good to hear from you and that things are so much better for you now. It gives me much needed hope. Your post made me burst into tears! Lack of sleep and the argument today with him over the divorce (which inevitably sent us into an unhelpful spiral of who did what etc) has left me a very emotional state. Thanks for your kind words and handhold I need to get myself together in time for school pick up...

Thanks @Prjam I'm going to dedicate the whole of tomorrow to getting my shit together - dealing with the finances & looking at the online petition application. No excuses.

Well done. See on way already ! Keep the momentum going. You are strong stay focused and strong

Hello Shin, sorry you're having a rough time of it. I can see the sense in H getting a PO box if that will ultimately make things easier for YOU. If he balks at that, then I think any consequences have to be his.

Going back to something you said in an earlier post, about the betrayal being the hardest part, and how you wouldn't have done that to him, well that is something I've been going over and over in my head.

A split would always be hard if one person doesn't want it. But it's the lack of respect, kindness and everything else I'd known with H, the fact that he has turned into someone I don't recognise that is most devastating. Because the very foundation of my life, that was always so solid, has turned to quicksand. Nothing is what it seems. And it is the fact that it didn't have to be this way, that if he'd really wanted out there were kinder, better ways of going about it - and he chose not to - that slays me.

Like you, I have been doing some practical things, although shying away from finances at the moment, just normal day to day things I've been neglecting.

Wishing us both, and you daybyday and others, some positive strength, and sending some hugs xx

Strength and courage. Each step is a step of bravery to overcome betrayal and disappointment. I have cleared out so much in the house, preparing for my move to an apartment. Feels unreal at times.

Lately I have been watching movies, where the hero undergoes a trial and hardship - the movie shows a montage of rebuilding, getting stronger, growing in power as time passes. Maybe this is my montage...until the next phase of my life begins. Sending hugs for comfort in this pain, I trust the tears will take us to healing and peace, esp. if you are like me and breaking free from the deception of a self-absorbed loathsome liar.

He came around on Friday wants to be friends and keep seeing but not when his o/w as she has trust issues. Ffs. Hes totally broken me.

as a bloke I feel exactly the same - it's been nearly two months now and my life has been destroyed. every time you wake up you feel sick with loss when you remember what has happened and how grim the future might be. ~Divorce is grim, expensive and lengthy. It should be the absolute last resort. In my case, for my wife, it seemed it was the first.

It is so crushing in the early days. The first few months, especially if it comes as a surprise. The destruction of everything I had seemed to happen so quickly. It's so piercing, painful, words just can describe. I still continue to find strength from ChumpLady.com and her blog -- her strength helps me to battle against feeling like a victim in all this.

I'm finding it very hard to post at the moment. I just don't know anything any more. Nothing makes sense. Someone close to me persuaded me to sign up to OLD site "just to look" and "for a bit of fun". It genuinely horrified me and made me feel so sad. I didn't want to be a single parent trying to find a date. I don't even want a bloody date! Even if I did, when would I have the time? My "D"H is the one that now has loads of time for dating his gf. I would rather be with my DS anyway. I am definitely not ready to be with anyone else and can't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone ever again. It makes his decision to be with the OW even more baffling to me. How could he? I honestly feel sick at the thought of him with her and of me with anyone else. It doesn't feel right or real.

Don't be rushing into old. For some it is a good distraction. For other gives them a sense of being desirable. And helps with the hurt feels. I couldn't face it at the time and even now 2 years on keep starting a profile and then hiding it.

I'm content. I have time to enjoy the children. Family and friends. I would like the company of someone but I don't want a relationship as such. And I'm ok with that decision.

When the time is right for you to get back out there you will know. For now just focus on you.