Just can't believe this is my life

[Shinsplints]

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

It seems a common excuse for shi!!y behaviour to say we were unaffectionate, cold and unloving. I’m in week 4 of separation. He’s already getting his self validation from elsewhere ( suspicion he may have also before split but what does it matter now)
I manage to sleep at night by ploughing my energy into securing the kids and my future and am so blooming tired it does the trick.
I know it’s going to be a rocky road ahead and am dreading the overnights my kids will be away

I do find comfort here in MN. In RL , I have family members that think I have to "get over it " and just continue on.
Currently in limbo . Still living in same house, elderly relative too. I was SAHM and then caregiver for years. He worked away a lot , due to financial reasons, so income just covered things.
I would like to split but it is a mess money wise. Not enough equity to get two houses, me not able to work due to elderly relative and also no skills anymore.
He reckoned that he had EA because we were living "separate lives ". I was at home , taking care of everything and he would arrive at weekends to do nothing. Pathetic reason. He did it because he could.And he wanted to. I don't think I will ever forgive him.
If I had money and opportunity, I would be gone .

It is interesting that some of you say that you wish DH would return. Do you think you could forgive? And continue on? Maybe if you realised that it wouldn't necessarily make you OK , you might feel better?

Shinsplints, Have you got a job yet ? How are you now ?

Hello all – well he moved out. Today was the day. I survived several hours around him, dividing up dishes, pots, silverware, watching his friends remove pieces of furniture – our master bed, our dresser, a desk, books, chairs, the lamps in the living room, our Christmas tree, etc., etc.

These hours since, this afternoon and tonight, have been very hard. Each step, I know, is going to be like this. Selling other furniture. Getting through the settlement. Me moving into an apartment. Finally selling this house. It is a step-by-step sleepwalk away from the life I thought I knew.

Logically, I know that he is a bad person, and I am getting away from a trainwreck. But the pain of losing is still hitting me, the loss of what I thought was real. The loss of my marriage of 24 years. I am struggling so much to discover the hope that people are telling me to grab onto – that I will have a future, happier days, opportunity and freedom like I’ve never had before.

I invested so much into this marriage and this person, and he just tosses me away in a few months of insanity and infatuation. So, clearly it wasn’t real. It hurts to consider that he never really loved me the way I loved him, and not the way that I deserve to be loved.

I’m sorry to bring anyone down, not intending to do that. Just struggling tonight. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

I know it’s too much in proximity with this screwed up person “acting like a nice guy.” I know – I KNOW – that my life is better for knowing who he really is (nobody else does, since he continues to hide his OW). I know that everything is wrong because of somebody else.

Now I can get away from this nightmare, and she gets the nightmare, their own nightmare together and I hope it eats them alive (working toward no bitterness…hmmm). I am feeling lost with myself today. I guess I’m just not sure – I’m asking myself, what are the good dreams that I am supposed to dream next. I don’t know where to begin. What a day. Over soon now. Thank you for all the prayers, well-wishes and support. I know I am not alone.

Dear DaybyDay, I'm sorry, that sounds so hard. I would hope that with his stuff gone, you will be able to create your own space around you.

You sound very strong and determined, although I'm sure you don't feel it. I am just a few days in to my situation, and know I have all this to come.

I've actually just reread this whole thread, and in all the posts detailing such horrible betrayals and emotional turmoil, what really comes across is such dignity.

Which is in marked contrast to the actions, words and behaviours of the various exes or soon to be exes. It is extraordinary, these people throw a bombshell, reinvent history, swan off to be their 'authentic selves', but seem to continually tantrum, whinge and generally behave like wankbadgers.

You'd think they would be able to be calm and dignified - after all, they are getting what they wanted.

But instead they are so small, so insecure they have to act like the snottiest of brats.

I know where my admiration, support and empathy lies.

Yes, I just had to see him one more time today (splitting up our phone and internet service). Ughh! And he was a snotty brat. Upset that I told my family about the OW, because he hasn't told his family about her.

Wow, he just doesn't have a clue. He kept saying he never meant to fall in love, it just happened, and he couldn't help it. Yes, that's right. Well, please move along and quit explaining it to me. I don't care anymore. Getting closer to my "meh" with this whole thing.

Just need to get the settlement ironed out and signatures on the line. I am not putting my life on hold anymore for someone with lousy life skills and a me-me-me mentality. I hope he enjoys the real world without someone who has his back like I did for 24 years.

Day2day

It feels raw and hurtful right now but in a few weeks or months you may see this as an opportunity. I bet he's held you back. I bet he sucked the life out of you. It is possible that without this man child in your life you can now achieve your own dreams. I bet you have a bucket list of things you want that gathered dust whilst your focus was on him.

Show him and anyone who knows you both that when he left, he set you free.

Thank you so much everyone. This rough weekend took a lot out of me, and I am gathering my energy again. So many wonderful supportive voices to help me make it through this, and I am feeling better, more restored.

I have a fresh strategy for keeping my mind on myself and my next steps forward. I am glad to have your ongoing encouragement. I wish the same for all of you - continued strength, perseverance and a focus on the joys that life brings on the other side. Thank you all!

Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over, it became a butterfly.

daybyday473 I am inspired by you! I tell myself that I too , want to be able to split from him. And am also scared.
So honest of you to talk about the mixed feelings.And then great to hear your positivity about your future.

Yeah, of course he doesn't want his family to know about the OW.Probaly wanted to pretend that he met her afterwards . Well , good luck to her with her " prize ". What she is starting with is a known liar and cheater. And nasty man.

@daybyday473 you owe him no loyalty. My ex didn't get that bit. He too denied ow. Met her the day he left me apparently. Regardless of the months of staying out all night and usual BS.

I wasn't going to keep quiet to save his ego. He wanted to walk away guilt free and not be judged. Well life isn't like that.

Hope that you continue to go from strength to strength.

daybyday, you sound so determined, and brave. Inspiring indeed, and I hope your new strategy works well.

Still & unicorns, yes again - that desire they have to control the narrative. H was 'not impressed' that I told dd & ds when I did. He wasn't going to come down and do it himself, but I suspect he would have wanted to have input into what I said to them, so was peeved not to get the opportunity. And he didn't get that. Wasn't my intention to 'thwart' him, I just did what seemed best for me & dc, but I'll take it as a win, anyway!

So many broken, broken people (men as far as I can tell, although I am sure women can do it too.)

Supportive fistbumps/hugs/shoulder pats all round.

Just trying time catch up on the thread...good to see @daybyday473 getting lots of support, how are you today @daybyday473 I hope you feel like you are moving forward now that you've got his moving day out of the way? I feel better for having got most of my ex's stuff out but there is still quite a lot here and I suspect I will find more. I am considering taking it all to MIL and asking her to drop it off with him when she visits him. Every time I feel a twinge of jealousy at ex and OW & their new "nest" I try to turn that negative energy into positive energy by doing what I can to make my home as nice as I can for me & DS (there is lots to do!).

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies how are you today? I'm so sorry you have found yourself so recently on the receiving end of such shitty times as well and welcome you into the club with open arms & hugs it's such an unbearable intense pain at first but it is true that it does get more bearable with time. Hang in there and remember you deserve better than this treatment and better than him!

I am now 11 weeks on from the day my ex left. In some ways I feel better in other ways I still feel stuck & scared about the future but regardless of how I feel I keep going day by day. I cry a lot less than I did but certain things do still set me off & if it happens I just let it out then carry on. One thing I really miss is how he made me laugh, I hope I laugh more soon because I hate feeling so sad & miserable. I'm going to start free NHS counselling sessions next week. I think it will be good to just let my feelings out to someone external and objective.

I'm still job hunting which is taking up a lot of time but I know it will make me feel so much better (financial independence plus I'll be able to exit the business with ex which will also mean less contact with him) once I've found a new job so it is worth the investment.

Sending love & support to everyone going through this and heartfelt thanks to those supporting us through this hellish time

Thank you Shin. Not a club I would ever wanted to have joined, but the company is excellent.

I hope you find the counselling useful. I had my first session Monday night and was lucky enough to really 'gel' with her. Just the right mix of kindness and practicality, and gave me a few things to think about, which was useful. It was a relief to talk to someone, as you say, external. There is always the slight worry of overburdening friends, and even here I worry I'm going on too much.

Yes, shared laughter is one of the hardest things. No one has ever made me laugh the way he did (and vice versa), and we were friends first, and friends throughout, so it is difficult. Although if only I could separate the marriage from the friendship I could still have that part of the relationship. And before you got WTF, this was essentially his suggestion - his preference. Earth calling wankbadger, that is not how normal people operate!!!

Sending my support to you x

Hello all - Another tough week. I am "forcing progress" as the Chump Lady says on her blog. She has been so helpful to me, mainly to get angry and focus my strength toward myself (not the cheater). Yes, the STB-EX also wanted to "be friends" and "keep playing music together". We've performed music nearly all of our marriage. I play guitar and other instruments. Me: No.I.Don't.Think.So.

There is still stuff to go through. Yes, I am separating and sorting this weekend. I am discovering a little more peace of mind, while pursuing healthy insights on this situation: his choice to leave me is HIS LOSS. I am an amazing person, with financial and relational stability, a lot of love to give and appreciation, compassion and kindness to share with my loved ones. Too bad for him.

His actions DEFINE HIM, not me. He is the one who failed the marriage, cheated, betrayed me, his family (still lying to them), his co-workers (still lying to them), his supervisor (who is a good friend, still lying), and those values are not my values.

I have the opportunity to try to live with integrity, grow into myself and learn from this... (I should probably stop bad-talking him, too, I guess :).

I am getting more into my own brain, my own life and considering what I want to start focusing my time on, in terms of my thoughts and where those take me. Another new resource I have, another book - "Tears to Triumph" by Marianne Williamson (just started it, but it feels nice so far, focus = spiritual strength during painful experiences).

A big part of this (this week) was accepting that the man I had loved essentially "died" and doesn't exist anymore. I see that the reason I keep thinking about him is because I don't want it to be over; but it is. I also continue to internalize the effects of his behavior: cruel, hurtful, disrespectful, selfish, self-absorbed, purposefully deceitful, disgraceful. This gives me clarity that this is not a person I want in my life.

Another sign of progress -- my brain actually has the space, calmness and emotional stability to allow me to read a book again. It really is small steps.

Love the hugs/fistbumps/shoulder pats! I am sending those around to all of you as well.

So sorry OP [flowers} it happened to me too after 20 years of marriage with the man I thought was the love of my life.
The feelings are intense, terrifying, you feel as if your life is over.
But it isn't.
Three years on I've moved cross country, got a good job, bought a beautiful cottage and I'm doing very well.
Now he's gone I can see what he really was having taken the rose tinted glasses off.
It's hard to understand the motivation for someone to just go after all those years and shared experiences. But they do.
I have a new and better life now, and so will you if you can keep the faith and believe in yourself and of course like me you have your precious DS. They keep you going when the going is hard.
Your solicitor will advise what you are entitled to.
I kept the house as it was mine and gave him a few grand but have since downsized into a 300 year old cottage which is my dream house.
Looking back it's difficult to know how you are going to survive those early days with all the grief and uncertainty but somehow you do.
You want to scratch the OW eyes out though. Hope she gets hers for breaking up a childs family.

"Wow, he just doesn't have a clue. He kept saying he never meant to fall in love, it just happened, and he couldn't help it. Yes, that's right. Well, please move along and quit explaining it to me."

Oh God please fuck right off. Yes you could help it and you broke your sons heart you utter knob end.

Daybyday, what you've just written is really powerful - can almost see the Amazon shining through! What you say about values, about 'his loss' and his actions defining him really resonate. I will come back to those words. I hope you are able to hold on to them too - I know how hard it can be with the ebb and flow of feelings, but it's really good stuff!

I haven't looked at Chump Lady really, so will do that too.

I love the sound of your cottage, madcat, and glad you have peace now. I hope I can keep the faith.

Wow @daybyday473 I'm LOVING your kick arse attitude today. It's good when you get angry isn't it - you can make it productive and work for you. All the conclusions you have come to are spot on. Come back and re-read your words when you need a boost.

Thanks for your message of hope @madcatladyforever your life sounds wonderful, I'm so glad things have worked out so well for you. I know I need to find faith in myself that I can make a better life for myself now. I loved him but I wasn't actually very happy with my life with him, not really... so this is my chance to make it what I want. I just need to work out what that is!!! I need to work out who I am and what I like now because after 19 years together and always putting him first I genuinely don't know the answer to those questions yet.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies you should get the chump lady book! I loved it. Will probably have to re-read along with the rest of my self help book pile. I actually had a rest from those books over half term & read a couple of autobiographies. Think a rest was good but I need to get back to them.

How are you @Boozysuzy84 ?i was reading through the thread again and realised you'd not posted for a while. I hope you are ok

I'm feeling really out of sorts today, everything feels so weird and wrong. I can't imagine feeling happy again I cant imagine ever being able to trust a partner the way I did before. I am functioning and holding things together so that will have to do for now. This seems to happen more if I've had contact with (D)H. Hopefully it will pass.

A bad day for me today. I have been struggling with how to manage my emotions. I know that I will continue to grieve, but I feel like I am spinning my wheels. This frustrates me because I want to move out of this intense feeling of pain; it's very maddening to return here time and again.

Even knowing the ex doesn't deserve any more of my mind/energy/thoughts - - I return to reflecting on the betrayal, and the cruel way I was discarded, as if I don't have feelings, a soul, or deserve any respect for my years of caring, love and commitment.

Statements keep going through my mind: "I don't want this" / "I don't want to do this" / "I don't want to go through this" / "This can't be happening".

Another hardship is that I know I am utterly alone to walk through this. (I thought I would have a partner to walk through tragedy or devastation, but turns out he is the source of the devastation.) Friends, family, even counselors, don't quite get it. Though I know all of YOU do understand, so I'm not alone.

Just wondering when should I become concerned that I am digging myself deeper, rather than helping myself to recover...I'm having trouble seeing this very clearly today.

It's been four months since D-Day. Am I being too hard on myself...How long do I have to struggle to ride this roller coaster, and are these intense ups and downs normal....

Thanks for all the kudos, lately. I appreciate it. Glad to be in this place with you wonderful humans, being true, compassionate, kind and courageous.

Day by day hope u ok. Emotions will most certainly be up and down. I am entering week 5 and being so practical having let my emotions fully taking over yet but have counselling session next week set up so fully expect I will let release then. I am quite scared at emotions to come and know that the protective mechanism in me that I had to develop by being with him is in full swing. I do need to acknowledge these feelings and let them out. It’s a big week ahead.

Daybyday. Be kind to your self. I had the mindset that The first 12 months would be emotional and be upsetting . Getting all the firsts out of the way. And past the year mark etc. It was still hard and I'm nearly at the end of the second year and just beginning to be ok.

I didn't want this and I hate the time I miss the children. They don't deserve growing up like this. It is rubbish. I don't know if I will ever have peace with this. I grew up in a split family and I was passionate I wanted it to be different for my kids. - just like everyone else I know and I'm still angry at him for putting me in this position.

Have you spoke to your gp and looked into counselling. There are no short cuts. You have to go through it. But meds enabled me to cope. Just keep going day by day. You will get more days you don't cry and it will consume you less.