Just can't believe this is my life

[Shinsplints]

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Shin, I have read though the Chump Lady site but haven't ordered the book. I have ordered a couple of the others you mentioned, so will read those first.

And I'm sorry you're feeling out of sorts, and wrong, but you're only a bit over two months in, and from everything I've read in posts here and other places, that is still such early days. And you are doing terrifically well, considering that.

And daybyday, the same applies, 4 months is still very soon, and you're doing amazingly too.

That cycle of repetition, of poking and poking at the same things is one of the things I'm finding hardest. The counsellor I saw last week (and am going to continue seeing) said it's a necessary part of building resilience, almost like you're testing the feelings. Eventually I guess the idea is that they ultimately lose their 'power' because of this testing. Like tanning a hide to make it strong.

Doesn't stop it being immeasurably shit though.

And I'm sure so much of it is because we want to try and tease out an answer that makes sense. As humans we need to make sense of things and it is maddening to find none, so we just keep going round and round.

And yes, you and other fab women really get this.

Sorry you are there too, Mary. I think counselling will open the floodgates, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I find myself during the course of a day getting tighter and tighter, as though I'm getting full to bursting and it is unbearable. I have been having a massive cry in the car home from work. The emotions are horribly painful, but the release seems to bring a bit of calmness.

You lot are the only people that truly understand.In my life I am told " It's not good to obsess over it " " You need to move on",
"Can you not forgive and forget " And from DH " Do we have to keep going over it ?"

But they are not the ones crying every day. My whole house is full of memories ( still living in house together).Where is my safe place?

And dreading Xmas this year
Used to my favourite time. It is nearly a year now, January 2019 was when I found out about his cheating. So glad when this year over. The last time I felt like this was when my Mum died , first birthday , Xmas, etc... I guess the grief is similar as a huge loss in your life.

To think that someone you totally committed yourself to could cause this is shocking. And yet , divorce is on the rise. Didn't realise that there were so many broken women - until it happened to me.
To all the strong women going through this.

Thank you @unicornsarereal72 and @asmallboxofchocolatebunnies. Yes, I have a counselor, a support group, and friends and family supporting me. It feels like I have a lot of support to process this. You are right that I am of a mind to try to rush and get this “pain thing” over with as quickly as possible. It’s just no fun to sit in the pain of it.

It is so helpful to hear from all you very similar, or the same thoughts. Not wanting this situation, trying to find peace when it feels unjust, unfair.

Yes, I too have that feeling, getting “tighter and tighter” through the day, filled with emotion, then it overflows. This comes and goes as well. So glad to know I am not alone, your voices of support and words here bring good feelings, courage into my heart. It’s good to feel your presence. Sending hugs/shoulder pats to everyone.

Sorry, just looking over that makes me sound all " me, me, me".
Just want you to know OP, that there are a lot of women are going through the same thing as us.
I take comfort in those that are telling us that we will be OK.And that it is normal to try and make sense of things.And the pain you feel is normal but will hopefully pass.Hope you do too.

Don't worry @Stillfunny just let it out. We are all suffering from heartbreak on this thread and I'm sure everything you/we are feeling is something we can all relate to which brings comfort in itself. Take care of yourself

Still, yes the memories are everywhere. Even though he's not physically here, there is nothing that isn't entwined with our lives together. Places, even stupid tv shows. It's like there's no escape.

And is is a great loss. When someone dies it is horrendous. My mum died suddenly many years ago and I can't describe the pain. And ironically, losing my 'safe space', my 'unit' with H has brought all those feelings to the fore again, because I never really processed it.

And I'm not saying this loss is worse, but it does have different elements to it that make it, if not actually harder in itself, but certainly harder to process.

And yes, friends etc are being brilliant, and really kind. A couple of them get it, as they have been in the same place. But talking here, being able to be 'rawer' with it all, is immensely useful and comforting, even though you wish no one was there with you for their sake!

Daybyday, it is helpful, isn't it? I hate that so many of us are in the same boat, but there is something powerful about hearing others stories, especially if they are further down the road, throwing back encouragement! There's a sense of community to it, weird though that may sound.

I also think it's useful, because I know, for me, I still harbour these feelings that this can't be happening because we were special, and although it's gutting to find out that actually, no you were not special, that this is dreadfully commonplace, it is probably better to face this and use it to power forward than sit in a bubble denying it all.

Don't get me wrong, I am still in my bubble of denial, but I guess at least I can see it for what it is.

I do agree that knowing it will take time to get through, wanting to rush it all is not fun at all. I bloody hate time! I want it gone now!

Love and strength to you all.

I've been there; when i left husband i lost my home and business too. And never knew emotions could physically hurt!! 2yrs on i still have to rebuild my career and finances but i know in my soul i'm over my husband and have a wonderful new bf who's so supportive helping me get back on my feet. Life isnt over.

Pukeworthy...thanks for sharing. Glad to hear you are powering on. Life isn't over.

My meditation brought forth insight for me today about the level of deceitfulness my STB-EX used with me this year. I wish this didn't hit me so hard. I am telling myself that, really, I'm counting 2019 as the lost year. The previous years he was still maintaining the lie, and then he quit, so I guess I was none the wiser. Good for me to get out now, since he can't keep up the charade any longer.

I know that eventually I will be happy. He, on the other hand, will NEVER be happy. I'm certain of it. Absolutely.
And it brings me some peace.

His primary task in life is to take from others (things, gifts, adulation, kindness) and give nothing in return except empty platitudes. My eyes have been opened in recent months. He keeps trying to fill his empty elevator shaft of an identity with whatever he can find. This behavior has gotten worse with age...he is closing on 50.
Now it's the OW and her praise and worship. Good luck with that. Eventually, it will burn out and he will be right back where he started. Empty and unhappier still. (Hope I don't sound too vindictive. I am not too charitable in this moment.)

Hoping to use this anger in the next couple of days since we are discussing the settlement, meeting w/attorney, and hopefully, get that ironed out and moved through quickly.

Good luck with your settlement daybyday. You are sounding very strong. Hold on to that feeling.

Just plan the best life you can for you. I know in the not to distant future my ex will no doubt have more kids and get married. It will hurt. But that is part of moving on. And he will repeat past behaviours. They won't change. Ow is welcome to the selfish arse. And his wondering eye will kick in as he doesn't settle or feel contentment. Just be glad they aren't our problem anymore.

Hi all - just an update. I met with my financial advisor, and she said I've got everything on a good track. I am set to meet with the cheater and my attorney at the end of next week. If the cheater goes with the draft settlement, it may be through fairly soon.

My parents visited this weekend to help me sort through 24-years of stuff. Found my ex's bag of my love letters from when I was in college (before we got engaged). Can't believe he held onto these. Took me back to the denial stage ("what the heck happened" "how did he lose his mind" "was everything a big lie"). I've seen different things about "midlife men" who drop their wives.

Chump Lady says that we can try, but it's never going to make sense, and it is a waste of our energy and goodness.

This morning, I have a return to the feeling like I got hit by a train. I know that the divorce process will do this to me, cycle me back into the grief. I am just crying and going on with it. I found a couple of articles on the grief process by counselors, and they just encourage there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Comfort yourself, give yourself compassion.

I can see the grief in my parents. (My father talked about losing his son.) They have been a big help with all of these history, personal, family memories sorting through possessions to divide for the settlement. In a way, I think it is helping them to grieve as well to see all this stuff, before it's divided, sold off, trashed, etc. It will soon be all gone.

Ultimately, I know the cheater is the one who has lost - BIG TIME.

I will make it through this and discover my new life on this path with God, trusting day by day -- as I can only live my life one day at a time.

I hope everyone is doing okay. It's been kind of quiet recently, and I hope that means calmer times, more peace and clarity for everyone here.

Wishing all of you comfort and care in the grief, and relief for your healing. Hugs to anyone who needs one today.

I hope ex goes with the settlement daybyday so it can be finished with.

I am sorry you ended up back in the denial stage. I think there must be some weird magnetic attraction to it, that sends so many of us back so regularly.

I'll gladly take a hug, thankyou, and will pass one back to you also.

the denial is strong with me at the moment. I've had a couple of people express their shock in a kind of "but that's not right" kind of way, as if it has knocked everything out of kilter for them. which of course it has, because he was such an intrinsic part of so much, the knock-on effect is not something I'd really thought of.

Many hugs all round.

How are you doing @daybyday473 ? How about you @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies ? I hope you are ok.

I've not posted for a while because I've just felt so miserable this past week I didn't want to bring anyone down. I've been hoping every day that it will pass & I'll feel better. It's been 3 months since (D)H left & immediately moved in with his OW. I feel like I've gone backwards in how I feel, maybe it is all part of the grieving process but I've just felt desperately sad & been crying at the drop of a hat all week. My brain/heart seems determined to see our relationship through rose tinted glasses. It's so hard to pull myself out of the sheer torment of being rejected & discarded by the man I loved and was completely loyal to. Logically, I know our relationship was in trouble, I know things were not good and he wasn't fun to live without most of the time especially towards the end (and probably neither was I!). Logically I know I feel calmer without him in the house so why do I feel so terrible and still so heartbroken? I miss the good things about him and I miss the idea of him (how he could be at his best). Im also scared because I don't have a new job yet. I'm in a recruitment process for a good job but my confidence is so low I'm terrified of getting any further with it as I feel I'll be exposed as the incompetent emotional mess I feel like I am.

I have no idea what to do about Christmas. I want to do what is best for DS but often what is best for him is in direct conflict with what's best for me...and it's just so hard for me at the moment. I don't know if I can handle putting on an act for DS just so (D)H gets to see the best of him and then run off back to his OW and their little utopian existence. I don't think I can cope with how hollow it will feel when we are together with DS and then how horrendous it will be once he's gone (but I'll also not want him there either). My DB has invited us to his for Christmas, it's a good 5/6 hour drive but I would rather be there than at home I think. I want to be with family that love me not with the man that broke my heart. DS would prefer to be at home and see his Dad but of course he has no concept of how things will be different this for us this year or that in future he will spend alternate christmases with each of us...it's all so sad

Hello @Shinsplints – so sorry to hear how bad this week has been. Please hang in there. Yes, those times hit, and they are awful. My soul feels split apart, and the pain is piercing. Our heart continues to look back. But our brain knows we are better off without this horrible person – he was selfish, entitled, disrespectful, treated us horrible, has no right to our love, has no right to our trust, and passes himself off through “impression management” as some kind of prize. He is no prize. YOU ARE THE PRIZE.

You are an amazing, caring, compassionate, giving, dedicated person – and your depth of goodness is proven through the depth of your grief. That is what has been true for me. Your grief is about you – and how much you are able to give in love to someone. Let’s keep that for us and our friends and families and new loves.

Keep fighting to get those rose-tinted glasses off.
I listened to this video, which may help:
Guy Winch – How to fix a broken heart –
www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart
I followed his directions, and I made my “phone list” of all the awful things that I had to deal with, and it helped me.

Also, Susan Elliott has this article on Splitting, which helped me:
Splitting: The mental habit that keeps you from getting over a breakup
gettingpastyourbreakup.com/the-mental-habit-that-keeps-you-from-getting-over-a-breakup-2/

I have also dealt this week with my feelings of worthlessness and really worked into my own grace with that, forgiving myself, and seeing my true value and worth. I deserve to live my life free of abuse, free of judgment by someone who doesn’t even “see” me for who I am. I am carried mightily through my faith in my creator, which is central to my identity, and may give you relief if you are in this place spiritually.

You are not alone.

Please sense my presence, and many other spouses who have been treated badly in this way. Those betrayers, those people who make these types of choices are so selfish, entitled – and blind to what is real, authentic love. They are “consumers” of other people, and it’s a horrible life. I don’t want that, and I’m glad to be rid of a user and parasite.

Here is what I see you telling all of us: You care about us, not wanting to bring us down (this is so kind of you). You see the good in others (you know he doesn’t deserve it, so you can stop now). You know he was not good for you (good riddance, right?). You know he is awful to live with (so she gets all that crap now). Your life is calmer, you can finally breathe (that is very good – a good sign). Their “utopia” is based on lies and emptiness, so it’s like most utopias – imaginary.

I hear you are torn about how to handle the holidays, and it sounds like you really need to be with your family. I urge you to go with your gut and your heart because you deserve your own caring, your family, and your time to keep working through this mess this other person made. Let the ex deal with some consequences, it’s a few days, whatever – he’ll get over it, right? (Even if he were with you, he’s a hologram (from the Chump Lady)—that is nothing you will miss.) You deserve generosity, and he’s not giving it, so give it to yourself. That is true love that we all deserve from within.

I’m so sorry for the sadness. So sorry for the pain. It feels so awful, words cannot express it – but please hang in there. Keep going. As Nicole Kidman said, after surviving her horrible divorce from Tom Cruise – “Onward!” (See her divorce-free picture – she is a new woman ) It’s a slog, it just is – but you are not alone. I see you on the trail, too – let’s keep going, we are going to make it. We’ll be okay, then we’ll be better, then we’ll be even better.

Thank you @daybyday473 that is a really wonderful post from you. I don't have the words to tell you how much I appreciate it and I can barely type because I am blind with tears. I will re-read and check all the links. Thank you again for the love and support Sending love and strength back to you xx

I'm so glad. You and others have helped me, with shared strength, it is so good to help each other carry this burden, until we can heal, until it gets a little lighter.

Hi, first time posting and I’m at desperation point. My husband of 26 years just walked out last Monday. He packed his stuff after I went to work then sent me a text message telling me he needed space. I’ve been with him since I was 18 and we’ve had a happy marriage until around the end of August when his friend passed away. He suddenly became cold and distant. He had an affair 10 years ago which I felt we had gotten over. I clung to the fact he was just depressed and I’d be able to talk him round. I met with him 2 nights ago and he wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say just kept saying he doesn’t love me anymore and that he’s broken. He says I never got over the affair. Maybe I didn’t but I can’t accept him walking away just like this without even trying. I can’t think and I can’t function. I have 3 adult children who still live at home and they’re devastated. We were such a close family unit. I don’t know how to move on without him. He’s my life.

Dear @Ckb1996 I'm so sorry you're hurting too. You are in shock right now. The most important thing to do is focus on taking care of yourself - lean on friends and family, try and eat, drink water, sleep (all easier said than done I know). Read this thread and other MN threads to get advice, reassurance & comfort - there are lots of us in the same position as you and many that have come out the other side happier and stronger (they give me hope!). I am still in the midst of the hell 3 months on but the initial agony of feeling like you can't breathe without him will pass. You are not alone

Thank you for your reply. I’m almost having panic attacks at the thought of being without him! He was/is the centre of my world! And apart from the last few months he always treated me like I was his! All I want to do is find an excuse to call him just to hear his voice but I know that’s prolonging the agony. I just can’t see a way back up without him beside me.

Shin, I've just read daybyday's post and have also cried. What amazing words. I like the idea of seeing each other 'on the trail' and geeing each other along.

I've burbled on my own thread, but I am sorry you're so low. i think if I were you I would go to your db for Christmas. I know you want to do right by your ds, but I think this is one time you need to do what's right for you. And I think ultimately ds will benefit from you being in the best place for you.

And ckb, sorry that you find yourself in this place too. That sudden cutting off, with no discussion is so, so painful. I'm 4 weeks in, and the support of this and other threads is incredible. I wouldn't have believed how much difference it makes to have people to share with, and being able to offer some support back as well. You can be raw, repetitive, rational, irrational, sad, scared, angry and pretty much every other emotion, and there are people who understand, and offer comfort.

Do keep posting xx

Thank you. I just can’t stop crying. I idolise this man and we’ve always been so close. He left and has now become a man I don’t recognise. So so cold. I’m just mentally and physically exhausted. I can’t get up from the sofa. I feel like I’m never going to feel normal again

New here and a man! Can some explain DS and DH please 😁

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms here you go @Red51fox

How about today @Ckb1996 ? You

Argh sorry posted too soon @Ckb1996 I was trying to say...you WILL be ok, it feels like end of the world but it isn't. From your posts or sounds like you centred him too much in your world (I did the same) and now it's time you put yourself first