Is it selfish to leave a good man?

[MadridGirl]

First time post but been reading this stuff for years!

I have told my husband our 18 year relationship is over. He is having some sort of break down as a result. He has always been a very helpful and kind person. He's says he loves me and will do anything. I feel horribly responsible for his mental health.

He never shouts, has never been violent. Does his best to be good and right and kind. But he is also very anxious, moody and withdrawn. For years he has avoided deep conversations, rarely touches me (I have to explicitly say I want him to and be very encouraging) sex is less than a few times a year, doesn't have friends etc.

Very attentive to the children and a very reliable dad. Never spends on himself. Does loads of housework, very selfless but sometimes he does these things to hide from connecting. He always denied this, said it was because life is busy etc. It's true that we've had some tough experiences- but all families do... I asked him to see a counsellor with me and also told him I couldn't live life like this unless something changed. Every time I raised it he would minimise, dent, he always refused and just got so upset and offended that I had criticised our relationship, in the end up I just gave up reaching out to him.

He agreed to see a doctor and a counsellor about a year ago when I really put my foot down, but he didn't do either in the end.

He has explicitly said he doesn't believe in talking about feelings, it makes things worse for him, not better.

Now I have said that I don't want to be with him he is shocked and distressed. He's acting as though I've gone mad and that I am selfish because we have two children.

He will insist on having the children half the time. He is being very nice to me at the moment but I know it's because he isn't taking me seriously and thinks I'll change my mind. I won't. I feel that under the surface he is furious. It's taken years to get here, and I am now done. I am almost phobic about him now, I don't want to be close to him- I am so much happier when I don't have to deal with his feelings. I want to be on my own and stop carrying all his anxiety and moods. I don't want to be with an introvert, it makes me feel lonely and trapped. I am 100 percent through.

So my question is, compared to all the people here who had violent,abusive, selfish and nasty men, am I justified in doing this? How do I square what I feel I have to do, with the view that I am being selfish?

@juneshowers19. Yes, mine has been doing similar. Recently there seems to be a bit of an improvement in parenting. I am just doing the best I can and hoping the start of a new school term will give structure and force away the junk food, fizzy drinks, late nights etc.

Stay calm and consistent.

My ds is starting to realise it is not all my fault. I am keeping things as normal as poss for him. We have had emotional conversations but not every day...sometimes he just wants to be on his xbox and have me bring him a sandwich 🙂

Stbx is currently okay about access, he wasn’t at first, making ds feel that he wouldn’t cope if he wasn’t there with him...it was painful and I dislike him intensely for putting that pressure on ds. I text him every day and see him most days. I miss him. As soon as school starts I have said ds needs to be sleeping round at mine a few nights a week (I have only just moved so no internet etc here yet!). I’m hoping it will stay grown up so we don’t have to go down the court order route.

I am taking each day at a time. Never realised stbx was so unstable. I hope he stops drinking and looks at how everyone can be happy. I, rather optimistically, just want the best for all of us, him included.

I'm very reluctant to leave the family home and / or leave him with the children. He's not capable of managing either. I do it all. He also has no means of his own to pay for anything.

I think he'll refuse to leave. I've allowed him to become so dependent I don't think he's even capable of living independently at the moment. He has zero life skills. Ironically, his best friend is a mental health nurse (!) and he has very kindly said DH can stay with them for a while (although DH responded to that by hanging up on him). They are expecting their first baby soon though so it can't be a long term arrangement.

It's so hard. DH drove off twice yesterday and turned his phone off. If he was in a flat on his own and started drinking, there's every chance he could hurt himself. And his family would certainly blame me if he did.

I have an apt with a solicitor in the first week of September and an apt with a mediator the day before that. I've asked DH to make an apt with the mediator too as we can't see her together until we've both been separately but he's ignored the message. I thought I should probably at least try.

I'm thinking I'd pay for 6 months up front on a flat for him and give him some kind of lump sum to survive off until he gets a job. I think I need proper legal advice before I do that though - I'm not sure how it would affect a future financial settlement. I'm furious at the thought of him being considered my 'dependent' and having to pay him maintenance indefinitely. While I get that he's depressed, he's been given every opportunity to help himself and he's refused to take any of them - jacked in the counsellor I set him up with, won't see his psychiatrist, won't exercise, won't stop drinking.....how long am I supposed to live with that? How long am I supposed make our children live with it? I honestly can't take much more.....

I desperately want some space from him so I can....breathe. I want him gone

Can I please tentatively join too? Told DH again that he needs to leave. He is a good man and a great Dad. I don't love him and I don't fancy him. Someone earlier said they felt like they shoulder the responsibility for everything, that's exactly it. He does stuff around the house but organises nothing at all and we have argued so many times over this. It sounds silly but I have very little respect for him now. There is no fun and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him as a husband. I actually think we could co-parent well and even do things together still as a family in time.

But the guilt. It's intense. He doesn't want it and I don't think he would ever find anyone else. He would be devastated to leave the DC. They clearly don't want it either. I also know I will have to sell our lovely home and that feels like even more disruptin for all. Essentially for my happiness.

It's about the third time this has happened this year now and then each time I think we can do it and I can get through but I really think I can't. Someone else also said they feel like they checked out of the marriage, I do too. But I also don't know I can cause do much disruption for just me.

I likely should try counselling but it will be me who organises it and that just fucks me off even more. We both work ft btw so I have no more time to do stuff than he does.

Replying in my phone in a hotel room with all if us ( big pre paid trip) and stuck here for two nights. I can't easily reply to other posters, sorry. I also read the commfnt about their DH wanting to sink and swim whilst they wanted to fly. That resonated. He's happy to plus on. I want more. Not money related more but fun and ambition. I literally don't know what to say him anymore and I just think we are do mismatched. I have changed so much sbdcegen I went back FT, I realised I cared more about my work than I thought. Sounds silly but I think that is when things really went downhill. And yep, I feel guilty about that too.

Sorry for the written ramble.

Aggh, sorry for typos and autocorrect weirdness. I usually MN on my laptop where I am more sensible. I am not drunk!

It’s interesting how often people try to do this and then get sucked (suckered?) back in.
It has taken me 20 years and in the bad moments I am kept going by the thought that I am only ever doing this once. The thought of going back after his recent behaviour fills me with utter panic
(Now if you have made a mistake then that is okay too.)
My DD is hating the atmos at the house because her father is acting so bloody weird. Secretive, emotional, very childish, irresponsible and she sees him spending money we don’t have like water. It is not an attractive scene

Hi. I'm the OP. It's been months - I somehow lost this thread. It's extraordinary to see how many women are experiencing such similar endings to their marriages.

I am still 100 percent certain I did the right thing, I like myself and my life so much more than while I was with him. It is also getting clearer and clearer how controlled I felt by his capacity for distress and despair- I realise that for years that was what kept me trying. But I feel so much better without him, the weight of being with someone so shutdown was huge and constantly coping with his anxiety was more than anyone should have to do for a life time.

I took the children on holiday in the summer and there were so many situations where I realised that I would have been trying to manage his grumpy, anxious, anti social behaviour, and instead I was able to just enjoy my children and have fun.

He is being please take on the surface now we live separately, but I still feel manipulated. He is here a lot and I feel like if I maintain my boundaries he try's to punish me by getting really distressed.

He has also said some stuff to the kids to make sure they see him as the victim.

BUT the spell is broken. I have chosen to stop being controlled by guilt and responsibility.
I'm making sure I behave in a way I think is reasonable and decent, but I am not advocating against myself on his behalf anymore.

I think it will take a long time for him to accept that this shift is permanent. Which is frustrating. Especially because the next phase will be to come to agreements about the house and finances (not enough to go around), but I have never felt so clear. It's simply an act of self preservation. I'll never allow that kind of dependency and control in my life again.

I'm going to build up my finances until I feel secure. Get a divorce. Love the hell out of my brilliant kids and hopefully fall in love with a strong cheerful man who knows who he is and how to be with a women.

I must admit this has been a somewhat confusing thread to read on occasion. Many occurances of "he's a good man and a great dad" followed by "he was lazy and I did everything" or "he had (dealbreaker personality issue X".

Surely the latter disprove the former?

Or is the thread "he's a good man so long as I overlook these glaring flaws"?

I would have thought a "good man" would a DH who is pulling his weight, doing what any man can reasonably achieve to be supportive and if he isn't, will almost certainly be willing and try and change their behaviour (we're only human, after all, all of us - there's inevitably going to be some flaws somewhere but what matters is how we react to hearing about them and the actions we take).

Shouldn't "Is it selfish to leave a good man" apply to those wishing to leave such a man for reasons other than perceived neglect? The few cases I've known its been because DW has felt life's got boring and stagnant and a new man has made her feel "alive". Or because they no longer want to share a house with someone and partake in the compromise this requires - they'd rather go it alone and have full control. Or the reality of married family life isn't what they thought it would be - and shifting to a "single mum with boyfriend(s) to have round when DH has got the kids" dynamic feels more enticing.

Really interesting point ms tippletopple - I guess that's the things about human beings, they can be good but lazy, kind but destructive, loyal but neglectful... so many different things can go on in one person at once.

The feeling alive thing is interesting. I want to feel alive - not got to the 'boyfriend(s)! Over stage' but I don't think I'd feel apologetic about it if I did..,

Being alive and connected and not crushed by the compromised by trying to make right a dynamic that is no longer working seems like a good goal.

No one owes someone their whole life. Not if you can't grow together and stay connected in a meaningful way. Especially when that person had plenty of chances to try and out it right and avoided them.

@MadridGirl thanks for your update, it's good to hear you're doing well. I was also on this thread earlier in the year having told my DH I wanted to leave in April. I couldn't cope any more with the lack of connection or intimacy and finally left in July. It's been a real rollercoaster, the hardest part being that my DH remains devastated and keeps telling me the children are falling apart. We have shared custody and I know it's not been easy for them but that isn't the case and I'm trying to stay strong. At low points my instinct is to want to return and take away all the pain of it for the kids and for him too actually but I know deep down it isn't what's best for me in the long term. I'm just hoping all this starts to feel easier at some point and the endless questioning in my head will reduce.

Jamkan.

I've been thinking a lot about this. There's such a narrative of together equals a happy family, apart means unhappy.

I think it's bullshit. And we need to support our children to see that there are lots of different ways to be happy, and indeed to be unhappy.

Of course it's wrong of him to invest in the children being unhappy so you will feel his pain, but all you can do is focus on how you are with them.

Good luck. It's horrible to go through, and even though I'm having the hardest time in my life, there is nothing that could make me go back to such an empty relationship. It's soul destroying, and finishing it was a simple act of self preservation.

@Tippletopple - my DH was a good man, a good husband and a good father. For whatever reason he lost his way. He is very, very depressed and the only thing he is doing to address that is drinking. He refuses to see his psychiatrist, counsellor or take medication. I don't know where I was supposed go with that - living with him became unbearable.

My DH has now moved out and gone to live in an Air BnB I booked and paid for him to go to. I had to beg him to go and then get solicitors involved. He'd become so verbally abusive to our DS that I decided if he didn't leave I would have applied for a court order to get him out and had a solicitor explain that to him. He was constantly accusing me of fancying other men and seemed to have decided my relationship with our DS11 also represented a threat

I suspect some of our friends think I've kicked him when he was down but they didn't see day to day how destructive this 'good man' has become.

I'm only 6 weeks in but I feel utter relief. The children don't seem to be half as distraught as I feared they would be.

I don't hate him because I know deep down he is a good man but even if he sorts himself out, I don't want to go back. I thought I should for the children but for the moment at last, they seem OK with us living apart.

*at least