Is it selfish to leave a good man?

[MadridGirl]

First time post but been reading this stuff for years!

I have told my husband our 18 year relationship is over. He is having some sort of break down as a result. He has always been a very helpful and kind person. He's says he loves me and will do anything. I feel horribly responsible for his mental health.

He never shouts, has never been violent. Does his best to be good and right and kind. But he is also very anxious, moody and withdrawn. For years he has avoided deep conversations, rarely touches me (I have to explicitly say I want him to and be very encouraging) sex is less than a few times a year, doesn't have friends etc.

Very attentive to the children and a very reliable dad. Never spends on himself. Does loads of housework, very selfless but sometimes he does these things to hide from connecting. He always denied this, said it was because life is busy etc. It's true that we've had some tough experiences- but all families do... I asked him to see a counsellor with me and also told him I couldn't live life like this unless something changed. Every time I raised it he would minimise, dent, he always refused and just got so upset and offended that I had criticised our relationship, in the end up I just gave up reaching out to him.

He agreed to see a doctor and a counsellor about a year ago when I really put my foot down, but he didn't do either in the end.

He has explicitly said he doesn't believe in talking about feelings, it makes things worse for him, not better.

Now I have said that I don't want to be with him he is shocked and distressed. He's acting as though I've gone mad and that I am selfish because we have two children.

He will insist on having the children half the time. He is being very nice to me at the moment but I know it's because he isn't taking me seriously and thinks I'll change my mind. I won't. I feel that under the surface he is furious. It's taken years to get here, and I am now done. I am almost phobic about him now, I don't want to be close to him- I am so much happier when I don't have to deal with his feelings. I want to be on my own and stop carrying all his anxiety and moods. I don't want to be with an introvert, it makes me feel lonely and trapped. I am 100 percent through.

So my question is, compared to all the people here who had violent,abusive, selfish and nasty men, am I justified in doing this? How do I square what I feel I have to do, with the view that I am being selfish?

Thank the lord for this thread! I told H yesterday that I wanted a divorce. It was all my decision. Things havent been good for years. We have drifted apart, I have changed as a person, no sex. We have 3 youngish children.

Hes called me selfish for wanting to leave and ultimately ripping the family apart.
He has said that he doesnt want to to stay with someone who doesnt want to be with him.

Can I ask for some advice. Our house is on the market, I really want to move out from our house its too small and hate the road. Is it advisable to sell before going through the divorce?

I am clueless. What do I have to do next regarding the separation? Does he have to live apart before we can divorce?

Sorry to hear things are tough @DG123 - I too made the decision to split, and I’m sorry to say even when they have contributed to that decision (in my case, drinking, gambling, pressure to have sex etc!) they still don’t accept they have done anything wrong. I’m now 5 months down the line and he moved out last week but still I get almost daily messages about how I’ve ripped his life apart, taken his kids away, but not once has he acknowledged what I’ve said resulting in me not loving him anymore. Be strong. Go and see a solicitor, you can sell the house but you need to understand how the money will be split. I started my divorce whilst we were still living together I moved into the bed with my daughter. It’s a very long winded process so get it all started ASAP. But defo go and get a free half hour consultation which most solicitors offer so you know where you stand xx

Thanks Itsallchange,
How do you feel now he has moved out?

It's a sad situation, it's all so new I just am wondering whether I'm doing the right thing. It's definitely not an easy thing. I just keep crying to myself and ask myself is it worth the pain that it will cause the children.

I will try and find a solicitor. I just worry whether I'll be able to afford a new house on my own. I doubt he will be able to either.

How does a separation work if you are in the same house? Can't imagine that's easy.

X

It feels so much better and I know 100% I made the right choice for me and the children (4) but it’s hard and todays not a good day, it frustrates me because I know he’s hurting and this isn’t what he would want, but he would settle if he was unhappy he has sex for the sake of it he drinks just because and I want more from life, more of a connection, to be a partnership and share the children but we never have and it’s just got worse as we’ve gone on. It’s no different for me in terms of what I do with him gone. And I feel the house is less stressful. But I know I’m a people pleaser so this feels really hard even though it’s right. It was not great living together not being together but we got through. I’m staying in the family home as we do not have enough finances to rehouse is both. It’s so hard but I know In the long run it will be worth it x

@Itsallchange I'm glad it feels better for you, but sorry that you are having a rough day today. Today is my first day after telling him I want out. He's been out at work all day. He's text me saying he's sad, as I am. I also am a big people pleaser and just ultimately want him to be happy and I know he isn't.
I wonder how long it will take me to get over this stage...

@DG123 just take each day at a time, i found it helped to write down why I made the choices I did, a friend advised me to do this and it was such good advice, because it’s not a quick process and further down the line you will forget why you started this but those reasons haven’t gone they just don’t become as much of a problem as you emotionally detach. Be kind to yourself and take all the support you can xx

@Itsallchange

Thanks, I will start to write things down. I think that will help me in the future. It will be a journey that's for sure!

I hope today is a better day for everyone.
My DH is trying to do everything I asked him to do for years but I feel like it is the usual, only doing it when not doing it will impact on him massively. I then feel like a bad person for thinking that. I feel caught in an endless cycle and I’m not getting any younger,

Issues with your H’s behaviour, eg moody, sex and affection, were sound reasons for divorce!

Involving your friends was manipulative and selfish of him.

Dangerous road to go down to agree to things with respect to money or the DC because of - unfounded - guilt about ending the relationship.

You need a very good lawyer.

I have been there. Then I left, badly and in a way I'm partly ashamed of. But my anger that day - the final straw day - also served to save me, as 18 months later I am so much happier living alone, plus my ex is much happier (in the family home with our adult dc who occasionally live there).

It's like my ex and I are able to be and show our better selves. We spend really enjoyable time together now, he "sees me" in a way he didn't for decades. He's less stressed and more himself now I'm not bending him out of shape with my unhappiness and resentment towards him. I'm less bitter and unhappy now he's not passive aggressively undermining and ignoring me.

I thank my lucky stars that we are able to afford to live apart.

I'm back again, we spoke and now decided to sell the house, will be a huge wrench for all the family.
I feel so guilty and sad, but can't go on , the moods, anger , silences will repeat in six months, a year ..
as they have been doing for the past 10 years at least, and every time we've got through it only for it all to start again.
Over the years he doesn't understand but I have gradually fallen out of love with him, and now as PP says he's suddenly started doing the jobs he has never done before but its too late.

It's such a hard situation isnt it?

I know what you mean about the cycle repeating. I just think maybe stay put, grin and bear it and wait it out till the kids are older. But then a couple of months down the line, I'll be annoyed again and wanting to leave. I just have to be brave and end it properly.

It definitely is a brave decision, my reason for eventually just making the decision was I was hoping that he would die (from drinking) because that would be easier for me, but ultimately would be horrendous for the kids. I didn’t want to get to 50’s/60’s and think I’ve wasted my life, because I knew we would have nothing left without the kids once they’d left home

I went through this over 30 years ago but didn't have the support of anything like Mumsnet then and really did think it was all my responsibility.
I had 2 dc and 1 man baby. When out he was the perfect parent, playing with and seeing to both kids. My family thought I was very lucky and also lazy 'because HE did everything' and I let him. Sure I let him. I was exhausted as he did nothing at home.

I wasn't allowed to go out without him when he wasn't working - in his eyes it was family time. Fine but I needed a bit of a break. I only wanted to go window shopping for an hour but he said we should all go.

When I said I needed a bit of space he said I was selfish.
He blamed the magazine Cosmopolitan and my friends for giving me 'ideas'. Ideas that he should share the responsibilities of life. Ideas that him bringing home the money, and doing 'manly' jobs at home (but in his own time) and having no other responsibilities wasn't right. I got into trouble for putting a plug on a new appliance (hairdryer I think) THAT was a man's job.
He would do some gardening and clean the car, when he felt like it but nothing at all in the way of housework. When we decorated, I was supposed to do all the labouring, fetch and carry and clean up after, whilst he would do the manly painting, cutting and putting up the wallpaper (pasting was my job). And decorating was always when he felt like it even if I had other plans.
He was very insecure and extremely jealous. He didn't trust me at all and I got accused of all sorts. I chatted briefly to the guy selling veg of the back of a van - I was obviously sleeping with him.
Eventually I gave in, I was unfaithful (he never found out). I wanted to separate but couldn't afford to find somewhere for me and the dc and he wasn't abusive (he was EA but I didn't realise that at the time). He knew I wasn't happy but he wouldn't leave. I had a friend of a friend who I knew was looking for a new partner having just separated herself and I kept pushing them together. Eventually he did start seeing her and I then was able to push him into leaving.
For years I took full responsibility. I said that I had grown up and he hadn't and that we were no longer compatible.

It is only now I realise how controlling and emotionally abusive his behaviour was. I remember the first boyfriend I had after we split used to complain that I would never express an opinion or make a choice. When you have spent 9 years being told your opinions and choices are wrong it becomes easier not the have them.

Even though I took responsibility I never regretted him leaving. I missed having a partner at times but I never missed him.

@pissedrightoff1 oh the cycle! I know that.
I get my rental flat keys on Friday and last night I prayed it was Friday already.
He screamed and shouted at me, tried to shame me over and over then the I love you we can fix it nonsense.
Eventually after that he properly discussed the access schedule but I'm exhausted I really am

@Hecateh thank you for your story. I'm lucky I have a best friend that's holding my hand through all of this

I think he's just saying sell the house to shock me, but I've really had enough now.
I did suggest he moved into rental for a breathing space but he "doesn't want to waste the money on rent "
So, aiming for legal separation and then divorce in two years
Sad but slightly relieved as well.

Can I join in?
I’m moving out this week.
Married 20 yrs, one grown up child , one 12 year old.
DH drinks way too much and is a nasty drunk (personality not violence).
Has been very controlling and over protective (wants passwords, texts all the time), a lot of sexual jealousy (wants me to apologise for exes, big issues because I wouldn’t go on the pill but did for a few weeks for someone else) and so on

But

We have had a lot of happy times and he is devastated. Says he will never be happy again. He acts completely broken and sad. He is anxious and now on antidepressants and so unhappy.

Friends can’t believe there was ever a problem.

Ds 12 is very upset and stbx has told him he will do anything to get me back but I just want my own life.

He is also hijacking all my hobbies to show me he interested he is in them and how compatible we are and it is making me panicky!

I just want to leave quietly, without all the sadness and air of defeat and for everyone to be happy. If only he could stop the emotional pressure on our son and be a proper dad (not disney dad and not emotionally dependent, he is really tearing the lad up). We could all work hard and have happy lives pursuing our own interests and be friends?

We separated 6 months ago, but I have been living in the same house until now in a very awkward environment. Two places is stretching the finances but my family have generously lent me money. I’m moving. We run a business together and all the equipment (lots and lots engineering stuff in garages) is at our property and he can’t work without it.

First night away without DS tonight. Guilt is immense. Need some tips to cope. Oddly I would have said it was all mostly his doing but somehow I’m the bad guy . xx

(Adore my light, feminine, compact new apartment, just love my boy so much)

Awww @Tiredoptimist I’m sorry your feeling so fragile. And your H is turning on the emotional blackmail and bringing your DS into his plan, that is wrong on so many levels. I’m in a similar position in that my H moved out almost 2 weeks ago, and the dc are mainly with me, so I’m not the same in that way, but I have been made to be the bad guy because I made the decision he has not yet acknowledged his doings in this break up but I have emotionally detached so I can see him for what he is. The guilt is still immenSe and he has told the dc things I would rather he hadn’t because they now blame me and vocalise that but this fantastic Disney dad can’t have his children all together what does that tell you! Anyhow I just wanted you to know that your not alone and you will get through this and life will end up being what you strive for it to be, we just have to get through this forest first! Good luck Hun

Itsallchange. Thank you. That made me a bit tearful but in a good way.
Good luck to you too. We’ve all got this, we can do it. Xxx

@Tiredoptimist @Itsallchange
I moved out on the 6th July, four months after telling my almost perfect husband that I was leaving him. He is still devastated and hasn't stopped campaigning to get me back ever since, despite the fact he knows I'm now seeing someone else. He is now playing Disney Dad, inviting all our friends round to our house and painting me in a bad light to all who'll listen. I am still the bad guy I was when I first told him and I don't think this will change anytime soon. The guilt I feel has lessened over time as I've seen the kids adapting. I have to remind myself that I can't take responsibility for him though, that's not my job anymore. I'm still glad I left.

What is it with men and the Disney dad thing and using emotion to make their kids feel bad?

My DCs were more upset because they kept seeing their dad upset. And DS didn't like the fact that I wasn't upset (OK, I actually wasn't massively but I'm also a damn sight better at hiding how I'm feeling from the DCs). I brought it up with ex and he said he couldn't help it sometimes if he was out. DCs have felt far worse for ex and not bad for me at all and I think that's all down to his emotional blackmail. He also started making little comments about me to them, just so it put me in a slightly negative light but wasn't in an overt way. I pulled him up on that.

Now he's left he's fucking Disney dad and going to dads is just the best fun ever whilst I've heard DS moaning on the phone to ex that he's just been bored here (when he'd actually been playing on his xbox). I'm sure ex is playing up to this and making sure they are constantly just doing loads of fun stuff that he hardly ever did without me facilitating it or just stuff he never did anyway.

Yes, using the kids emotionally is completely out of order. My DS is fine and then his dad will start on ‘It’s just you and me now mate, couldn’t be without you’ and ‘I know mum’s going but I’m always here for you’ etc etc.
Makes DS all emotional whereas before he was happily playing xbox, googling memes, thinking about what to eat next etc.

He also texts him constantly when he’s with me. Arghhhhhhhhh.
The kids need two decent parents. What sort of arse tries to put a wedge between a child and his mother?

Ah yes, the constant contact when DCs are with me too. It gets on my nerves and cuts into my time as he then has epic conversations with them both, not really talking about much but prevents me from doing something with them at that time. I have a quick check in when they're with him if they phone me, then I get on with what I'm doing.

Oh my days ladies! Seriously these men are all the same, so the day before my H was moving out he got all the kids a photo frame and put a mugshot style passport size photo in and a message saying he would always be there for them and love them. I wouldn’t have minded if A it was a nice smiley photo and B I didn’t have 4 of the bloomin same 🙈 I also had to have words with him the other day as he’s twice cried around the kids since but at times where they end up blaming themselves. He’s taking everything personally. He told my dd7 that he was crying outside the house because the other dd7 was angry at him. He then had the cheek to say I never blame them and did it outside! Errr yep you did and outside our house 😡😡 it feels so good right now I did some DIY this week and have ordered myself a new bed, life is good and the kids are doing just fine (makes me wonder why I didn’t do this years ago!)