Is it selfish to leave a good man?

[MadridGirl]

First time post but been reading this stuff for years!

I have told my husband our 18 year relationship is over. He is having some sort of break down as a result. He has always been a very helpful and kind person. He's says he loves me and will do anything. I feel horribly responsible for his mental health.

He never shouts, has never been violent. Does his best to be good and right and kind. But he is also very anxious, moody and withdrawn. For years he has avoided deep conversations, rarely touches me (I have to explicitly say I want him to and be very encouraging) sex is less than a few times a year, doesn't have friends etc.

Very attentive to the children and a very reliable dad. Never spends on himself. Does loads of housework, very selfless but sometimes he does these things to hide from connecting. He always denied this, said it was because life is busy etc. It's true that we've had some tough experiences- but all families do... I asked him to see a counsellor with me and also told him I couldn't live life like this unless something changed. Every time I raised it he would minimise, dent, he always refused and just got so upset and offended that I had criticised our relationship, in the end up I just gave up reaching out to him.

He agreed to see a doctor and a counsellor about a year ago when I really put my foot down, but he didn't do either in the end.

He has explicitly said he doesn't believe in talking about feelings, it makes things worse for him, not better.

Now I have said that I don't want to be with him he is shocked and distressed. He's acting as though I've gone mad and that I am selfish because we have two children.

He will insist on having the children half the time. He is being very nice to me at the moment but I know it's because he isn't taking me seriously and thinks I'll change my mind. I won't. I feel that under the surface he is furious. It's taken years to get here, and I am now done. I am almost phobic about him now, I don't want to be close to him- I am so much happier when I don't have to deal with his feelings. I want to be on my own and stop carrying all his anxiety and moods. I don't want to be with an introvert, it makes me feel lonely and trapped. I am 100 percent through.

So my question is, compared to all the people here who had violent,abusive, selfish and nasty men, am I justified in doing this? How do I square what I feel I have to do, with the view that I am being selfish?

@nothingmuch sorry you’ve had a tricky time 😢😢

The thing is itsallchange is that I can’t possibly live with him as a loving married couple as we want different things from life. It’s like a heffalump with a chicken.. he wants to swim and sink and I want to fly lol. It just wouldn’t work if I stayed with him which is why I left.

So if I keep that thought in my mind when the niggle of regret rears up, I know I’ve done the right thing, it’s the journey forward is so rocky, and I’m hoping the road gets a lot smoother soon.

Remember we only get one chance at life, don’t let anyone or anything take away your happiness. I’ve gone into this with eyes wide open in that their will be tough times, and lonely times but and it’s a huge BUT the times where we aren’t walking along on egg shells, the times where I can take responsibility for my own destiny and become financially stable will out weigh any of the negatives and your right hold onto the fact that you were brave and put you and your happiness first by leaving and you have absolutely done the right thing. Take care hun xxx

I don't think it's in any way selfish to leave a 'good man'. You know in your guts when a relationship isn't right and has little chance of being carved into something that will make you happy in the long term.

My husband is emotionally manipulative. He'll say things like' "Everything I do is for you", which then makes me feel like shit if I'm not 100% happy all the time.

He's just said, on the back of me being offered some work at a local school in September; "I thought that would make you really happy" - presumably he's confused and irritated that I'm not jumping for joy. He considers 'being happy' as THE most important thing at every juncture, at very moment of the day. I find him exhausting and fucking annoying when he projects HIS need to see everyone around him being upbeat and wholly positive ALL of the time.

I never really know how to act around him - on one hand, I can feel myself steeling up for putting a 'happy face' on whenever he appears, mainly so I don't have to 'explain' why I'm not 'happy' (sorry for all the quote marks, but this is how I feel). On the other hand, the stubborn, wilful part of me wants to set a neutral face and when he says; 'You don't seem happy' (a regular judgement heaped on me almost every day if I'm not whooping for joy or commenting how 'happy' I am) shout 'JUST FUCK OFF. NO-ONE'S HAPPY TWENTY-FOUR-SEVEN'.

The latter, I know, would cause no end of debate about my 'attitude' (another issue that frequently gives him cause for comment).

Like others, I've instigated counselling, but it wasn't successful (the counsellor instantly disliked my husband, apparently). The upshot is my husband is incredibly proud, very set in his way, with deeply-ingrained ideals about how people (including me) should act and behave. When people, in general, don't adhere to his high standards, he gets very huffy.

And yet.... anyone who doesn't know him as well as I do thinks he's a total gentleman, kind, funny, generous etc etc - and he is all of those things, but he's also an uptight arse who can never, ever relax and just let people be people.

Apols for the thread hijack.... OP, you know in your heart what to do and, based on your original post, I think you're doing the right thing.

But what is a good man? are we saying that if he's not violent you should stay? I do agree with everything @Nothingmuch has said - yep, its going to be pretty shit on your own under certain circumstances, I'm facing that too. But then I always think of the saying that is better to die on your feet than live on your knees.

Gosh Tabitha500 your man sounds extremely hard work. Is HE deliriously happy all the time ? As in smiles and laughter ?

DishingOutDone I’ve never heard of that expression before.

I have several married friends who are definitely ‘living on their knees’.
One of whom has a definite ‘thumb print on his forehead’ ie is ruled by his wife and what he can get up to. She’s on his case all the time, but it turns out it stems from when her father died, his wife/her mother, only then discovered he was having an affair.

Ultimately, they can be good men, but it doesn't mean they are the right man for us. STBEXH will make someone a good partner. But I dont think we were overly compatible. He is very staid and laid back to the point of horizontal. I need more from a partner. And to feel like I have a partner, not an adult child, which is something he admitted he became.

@Nothingmuch; I call him 'The Cheerleader' (in jest and in irritation). He's relentlessly positive and upbeat 24-7.... unless, of course, he's got those creases in his brow because someone else ISN'T relentlessly positive and upbeat!

He is hard work. It'll be the thing that makes me leave our marriage eventually.

This sounds like a complex situation and relationship, so it's hard for someone from the outside to give an informed opinion.

If you think, from reading other posters that actually he is being manipulative, then I would say that is a form of abuse and you'd be justified in leaving.

If you don't recognise that in him - and you know him best - then I personally would offer counselling one last time and if he won't engage with it and change, then leave.

I don't believe in ending marriages lightly, and in general, if you really have a 'good man'. you should move heaven and earth to work at it. But I have a bad feeling about this one.

Reading the OP with interest.

Lots rings bells with my situation.
DH's moodiness, irritability and reluctance to engage much of the time.
Sulking but not saying why. Silent treatment.
I suggested marriage counselling for both of us. DH Dismissed the idea as 'talking doesn't change anything'. He geniunely believes that I am moody and difficult. I know i'm not. I'm easy going.

I have my own friends and hobbies.

He has interests but they all involve sitting on his bum and a mobile phone or tablet or TV. Before DH moved out a few months ago the TV would be on from 7am til midhnight or later on days he was not at work. On days he was at work I would not even think about switching the TV on but would have quiet or listen to radio or CDs.

I see that my existence was basicly a passive situation. I went to work, looked afte the home, fed and watered both of us and our pets. He did what he liked and mostly that was unsociable work hours and avoiding being in the house when I was there.I kept asking to spena weekend together or I could have booked some annual leave but he always avoided the conversation. It left me feeling unwanted and worth very little.

May I join you? I have told my H today I want a divorce - it’s not been an easy day. So many of the previous posters have stories which resonate with mine, thank you to all of you. Married 18 years, 2 kids 16 and 15 and, the icing on the cake, I run a small business with my H - no escape! Oh and a shitty menopause - fatter than I’ve ever been. H is the quiet, passive one it’s all my fault of course. Guilt factor 10.

@ohforgoodnessake x is all I can say today x

Thank you DragonNoodleCake - tho I gave up alcohol on Jan1st! More tears, crap night, how do you stay strong through this?

Keep focused in your why and write it down so when you wobble you’ve got a reminder of why. It’s so easy to forget when you’ve detached. My STBEH moved out this week and although I’m sorry for him the way I feel (free) makes me realise I’ve done the right thing xx

@Itsallchange I get that free feeling. I just found out yesterday I have been accepted as a tenant on an apartment (ref. Checks pending) but I am so excited now. So yes right thing.

@ohforgoodnessake maybe try keeping a diary??

@Itsallchange I get that free feeling. I just found out yesterday I have been accepted as a tenant on an apartment (ref. Checks pending) but I am so excited now. So yes right thing.

@ohforgoodnessake maybe try keeping a diary??

@Itsallchange I get that free feeling. I just found out yesterday I have been accepted as a tenant on an apartment (ref. Checks pending) but I am so excited now. So yes right thing.

@ohforgoodnessake maybe try keeping a diary??

@Itsallchange I get that free feeling. I just found out yesterday I have been accepted as a tenant on an apartment (ref. Checks pending) but I am so excited now. So yes right thing.

@ohforgoodnessake maybe try keeping a diary??

Can't believe I'm reading this, it all makes so much sense to me now.
@Newme2019 that 5% guilt has kept me in my marriage for far too long
This week deciding enough is enough, but so hard to talk to him
27 years, two grown DDs, and feel I've spent so much of my life being responsible for everything , finances, family, decisions, parenting, blah, blah..

@pissedrightoff1 that conversation is incredibly hard. I originally brought it up by discussing my friend who was splitting with her H and led it into how I wasn't happy either. I made it 100% clear without saying the actual words but he still said he wanted to fix it and I had to be the one to decide. It took me another 3 months and having my head turned to get the courage up to say it. Was a huge relief when I did though! Good luck.

Thank you @NewMe2019
he has used the threat of divorce to beat me with for years,
originally i would have done anything to keep the peace for my DDs
Now, I think he will be shocked that I am suggesting it

So... You've almost completely stopped having sex, he won't talk to you about his feelings and you've repeatedly told him you're unhappy and showed him what he can do to make things better and he promised to do it but then didn't? And this has been going on for years?

I don't really see what the dilemma is.

To the posters saying you won't get better out there - sounds like you've settled with unhappy relationships just because he is "an alright bloke" or "good with the kids" and want everyone else to be as miserable as you are. It is actually possible to meet someone who you are genuinely happy and in love with, and is also a good parent. You don't have to choose between those to things.

@TwistyTop you are right. I always thought I wouldn't find anyone better as ex wasn't abusive and was a decent enough. Turns out that was rubbish and I met an amazing man.

No one has to just settle

I think if you have to write a list of reasons why you should stay married you’re already half way out of the door.

Thank you for this thread.
I am in a similar situation but I am being the bad person in that I have emotionally detached from the relationship and did so years ago. My DH is not a bad man but has had issues with anger throughout our marriage. I stopped getting involved in conversations beyond things to do with the house and family about 4 years ago. We lead separate lives. I feel guilty beyond belief and like the world’s most awful person and it is guilt and feeling desperately sorry for him that is making me stay. Can’t carry on like this.

I’m so glad this thread exists!