Is it selfish to leave a good man?

[MadridGirl]

First time post but been reading this stuff for years!

I have told my husband our 18 year relationship is over. He is having some sort of break down as a result. He has always been a very helpful and kind person. He's says he loves me and will do anything. I feel horribly responsible for his mental health.

He never shouts, has never been violent. Does his best to be good and right and kind. But he is also very anxious, moody and withdrawn. For years he has avoided deep conversations, rarely touches me (I have to explicitly say I want him to and be very encouraging) sex is less than a few times a year, doesn't have friends etc.

Very attentive to the children and a very reliable dad. Never spends on himself. Does loads of housework, very selfless but sometimes he does these things to hide from connecting. He always denied this, said it was because life is busy etc. It's true that we've had some tough experiences- but all families do... I asked him to see a counsellor with me and also told him I couldn't live life like this unless something changed. Every time I raised it he would minimise, dent, he always refused and just got so upset and offended that I had criticised our relationship, in the end up I just gave up reaching out to him.

He agreed to see a doctor and a counsellor about a year ago when I really put my foot down, but he didn't do either in the end.

He has explicitly said he doesn't believe in talking about feelings, it makes things worse for him, not better.

Now I have said that I don't want to be with him he is shocked and distressed. He's acting as though I've gone mad and that I am selfish because we have two children.

He will insist on having the children half the time. He is being very nice to me at the moment but I know it's because he isn't taking me seriously and thinks I'll change my mind. I won't. I feel that under the surface he is furious. It's taken years to get here, and I am now done. I am almost phobic about him now, I don't want to be close to him- I am so much happier when I don't have to deal with his feelings. I want to be on my own and stop carrying all his anxiety and moods. I don't want to be with an introvert, it makes me feel lonely and trapped. I am 100 percent through.

So my question is, compared to all the people here who had violent,abusive, selfish and nasty men, am I justified in doing this? How do I square what I feel I have to do, with the view that I am being selfish?

I'm in a similar situation, my husband and I are currently having a trial separation.
In the past I have asked, cried, begged him to go to counselling for himself or together and he flat out refused.

Now we are separated he is taking steps to see a therapist which is great, as long as he is doing it for him and not just to get back home, for me it starting to be a bit too little too late but to people in my family I'm being harsh and need to give him a chance because he loves me.
I have given him many many chances over the last 7 years and now I am just done. But yet I still feel so much guilt.

There's so much more I could say but I'd be here forever.

I left a good man, my husband of 17 years. It was the hardest decision I ever made and I felt intense guilt for 2 years afterwards. But it was the right decision.
He too lacked motivation and positive action. Everything we did was my making, all decisions were mine. There was no spark or energy from him. It became really difficult as I felt I was carrying the entire weight of our kids lives on my shoulders. He worked hard but was moody and withdrawn and physically switched off from me. He became like a friend, or brother. He wouldn’t seek help either.
Now we are really good friends and we became that for the sake of our children. I still love him, but cannot live with him or have him as a partner. We spend time together with the children and it’s the best we can do.
Very hard to leave a good man, but if you are unhappy and they close off and are in denial about their problems it becomes impossible and you end up living a half life.

I should have said I felt like I was carrying the entire weight of our and our kids lives... and his!

So glad to have found this thread.

I too am miserably married to "the best Dad" and "the sweetest guy".

He's depressed, non-communicative, negative, sulky, a borderline alcoholic and he hasn't worked for 3 years. He has no real friends or hobbies. No desire for anything to change and I'm just....desperate to get away from him.

BUT my children love their Dad. The older two (13 and 11) can see the cracks I'm sure but the younger two (8 and 5) are oblivious.

I can't bear the idea of this life being my forever. But I don't want to turn my children's life upside down either.

He found a letter I'd written him last summer saying that our marriage had become unsustainable for me and he reacted by 'staging' ?? a suicide attempt. It was horrific. He left a blood stained suicide note on my desk and left our house in the middle of the night. The police found him hours later (unharmed, basically hiding in some woods) but not before the children had woken up to a house full of police, seen the note, me hysterical.... I'm still incredibly angry with him for it. And well aware he'll likely do it again (and maybe go further next time) if I make noises about leaving.

After that I got him into a private psychiatric hospital. He left the hospital after two weeks, stopped drinking and was seeing a counsellor. I was hopeful....

But he started drinking again about 3 months later, jacked in the counsellor and everything is worse than ever now. He goes nuts every time I suggest he looks for a job or ask him to jobs around the house. He's usually bitten my head off by 8am for something or other and I daren't open my mouth half the time for fear he'll lose it in front of the kids (I'm not scared of him).

I feel so incredibly stuck and wonder constantly if I'm just being selfish.

Anyway, apologies for the hijack and thank you so much for starting this thread. I have nobody to talk about this with irl... x

Wow Juneshowers, sounds like a horrible situation. Emotional blackmail. I have the opposite problem. My OH is successful, high earned, OCD, projects perfect lifestyle, can only relax when everything is perfect. Real life with kids doesn't look like a glossy magazine cover. That's started out problems, followed closely by intimacy and connection. Hands on dad and around the house. It's a shame really. Different versions of a common thread.

I'll just say one thing. Basically none of us can live our lives on behalf of someone else. The guilt of leaving a long term relationship - one where on the surface everything is perfect and there's no abuse/affair or other "solid" reason to separate. I believe its harder to go through a "no fault" divorce than one where there's an obvious "reason" for the split - that doesn't make it any less valid. Last year I divorced a "lovely man" Most people we knew thought we were the perfect couple but at the end of the day I didn't love him and he gave me very little support on anything leaving me feel weighed down by the responsibility - felt like drowning actually. Since separating I haven't missed him once - letting me know I've made the right choice - and actually wish I'd done it years ago. Good Luck OP and anyone else in this situation. It's hard but I believe it will be worth it in the long term. I am now living for myself and it's liberating.

This is an amazing thread - I had no idea this was happening to lots of other people. As for @juneshowers19 OMFG but you know it wouldn't surprise me if my H did that, not one bit. I am planning to split with him as if that's what he will do - either hurt himself (or pretend to) or me, the dog etc., I think the kids would be ok but I don't think you can ever tell with these men.

Can I ask do your husbands/partners make a bit thing about not letting anyone know you have problems? On the rare occasions I have confronted H about his behaviour he always says "you won't tell anyone will you"?

"big thing" that should read

Yes, this is an amazing thread, so many in similar situations!

Yes, total denial to the point of not even telling his own family, wanting to maintain appearances, telling no one basically and I think totally hoping it is t happening, hence no action on his part to help make any changes or move things on. Feel totally alone in the responsibility of thinking how this will affect the kids and what to do. His response - I didn't want any of this, I didn't make this happen, you decided to change things.

This is exactly my husband wants to tell no one I've moved out with the kids for a breather over summer and my family now know but he doesn't want anyone else to know. Like he's so dismissive of my opinions and feelings. He carries I. Like normal while I'm carrying on with the kids. It's infuriating. He only told his parents as I have him an ultimatum. If you won't I will. Let me move forward and get on with things and tell people.

iamthrough 👏👏👏👏

He’s not nice, he’s manipulative and selfish, get rid and enjoy life.

cantbeat - yes. I'm sure he doesn't mean too by what I say gets ignored, minimised or flatly denied too.

But there's a question here for all of us... is there something in us that was at some point drawn to men who didn't think our feelings are valid or real or important? Or were we just unlucky?

My husband was quite engaged when I met him, and another time when I walked out. But as soon as things settle, he goes back to shutting down and being stressed and negative.

Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave - that's not uncommon.

I recently told my super helpful husband I wanted a divorce. Found out a week later I was pregnant. He is over the moon. Probably because he knows I will need his help. When I asked for a divorce he promised to see a dr/councillor about his compulsive lying. Since finding out I'm pregnant he has not mentioned it again. I am going to grin and bear it for a couple of years, I would like him to be round he baby and other children while they're young.

Me too. 🙏

I feel like this is a really useful thread, but that I misnamed it. The conversations make clear that it's just not about being 'good' or 'bad'... rather the question is 'are you good together'.
And for me, I know we are not any more. As I have got older and grown, I can't subordinate my feelings in the way I used to. And rather than pick him apart and complain that he isn't what I need, I need to move on and find a place where I don't feel controlled by someone else's difficult feelings.
Where he moves on or not is up to him. He has to take responsibility for that - or not.
I'm not taking responsibility for how he feels any more.

MadridGirl try journaling. I've been doing that in the last few months and I find it really useful to go back and reread over difficult times of my life. Reinforces that I'm doing the right thing! X

cantbeat are you me? Me too. Every time I have a guilt induced panic, I look through everything I did to try and got knocked back on. It makes me feel clearer.

Tails- that's horrific. Very passive men tend to get what they need in underhand ways. Finding that you are in a situation where you need his help will have been right up his street. Plenty of hiding places there.

@madridgirl

He is loving the situation, but as much as I can sit and dwell, I'm just trying to look at the positives, this is not forever. One day I will be strong and stable enough to get that divorce and he will find the right woman out there for him, he would be suited to a needy woman. Weirdly that's not me at all and his ex's are quite similar to me. Hard as nails and gets on with things. For the most part he is a good father and that is enough for me for the next few years. But in the mean time I am going to try to make things work, even if I am skeptical. I hope everything works out for you.

What an amazing thread will be reading and re reading with much interest, I too currently in the process of a divorce and there’s lots of little things wrong but something a pp said earlier up the thread I felt like I was carrying the responsibility of our lives on my shoulders alone when he should have been shouldering some of the burden. I know I will be ok and better off without him....it’s just the getting there

Good luck tails. I could accept the lack of connection more when I was up to my eyes in babies too. Especially because he's such an excellent hands on dad. I get that.

change
I am certain I will be happier. It's the knowledge that he will be unhappier, and be very ill equipped to deal with that or seek happiness is what gets to me. My only hesitation around leaving is his welfare, not mine, not the children. I am certain it's right for us.

It's not selfish OP, do what is right for you. You've obviously exhausted all avenues, at least you can walk away knowing you did everything you could. Still not a nice situation though