Is it selfish to leave a good man?

[MadridGirl]

First time post but been reading this stuff for years!

I have told my husband our 18 year relationship is over. He is having some sort of break down as a result. He has always been a very helpful and kind person. He's says he loves me and will do anything. I feel horribly responsible for his mental health.

He never shouts, has never been violent. Does his best to be good and right and kind. But he is also very anxious, moody and withdrawn. For years he has avoided deep conversations, rarely touches me (I have to explicitly say I want him to and be very encouraging) sex is less than a few times a year, doesn't have friends etc.

Very attentive to the children and a very reliable dad. Never spends on himself. Does loads of housework, very selfless but sometimes he does these things to hide from connecting. He always denied this, said it was because life is busy etc. It's true that we've had some tough experiences- but all families do... I asked him to see a counsellor with me and also told him I couldn't live life like this unless something changed. Every time I raised it he would minimise, dent, he always refused and just got so upset and offended that I had criticised our relationship, in the end up I just gave up reaching out to him.

He agreed to see a doctor and a counsellor about a year ago when I really put my foot down, but he didn't do either in the end.

He has explicitly said he doesn't believe in talking about feelings, it makes things worse for him, not better.

Now I have said that I don't want to be with him he is shocked and distressed. He's acting as though I've gone mad and that I am selfish because we have two children.

He will insist on having the children half the time. He is being very nice to me at the moment but I know it's because he isn't taking me seriously and thinks I'll change my mind. I won't. I feel that under the surface he is furious. It's taken years to get here, and I am now done. I am almost phobic about him now, I don't want to be close to him- I am so much happier when I don't have to deal with his feelings. I want to be on my own and stop carrying all his anxiety and moods. I don't want to be with an introvert, it makes me feel lonely and trapped. I am 100 percent through.

So my question is, compared to all the people here who had violent,abusive, selfish and nasty men, am I justified in doing this? How do I square what I feel I have to do, with the view that I am being selfish?

Me too itsallchange. I'm so much more relaxed and happier now.

Why is it mums can put our feelings aside but it's the bloody dads who have to be the martyr and drag the kids into it. I know it's particularly hit my eldest and the guilt he feels is awful. If his dad had been a bit better about it, I don't think DS would have struggled so much.

Defo @NewMe2019 although mine is reversed my eldest DS15 I think can see his dad for what he is and has just accepted the situation and is being a real help. My youngest are struggling because they don’t really understand what’s going on, and although I’m being as honest as possible there are questions that they don’t get and obviously he is blaming mummy so they are finding that really tricky. Although today I had some good news he’s advertised himself on tinder so I reckon he’s happy to sow his seeds elsewhere which is a relief as he may leave me alone now! X hope you have a lovely weekend xx

Hi all. I posted upthread.

I'm planning on leaving my husband when the children go back to school in a couple of weeks. He doesn't think twice about arguing in front of them so safer to make the break while they're at school all day.

I'm staying with my parents at the moment and have told them.

I feel incredibly sad but I've wanted this for a couple of years now and the desire to 'be free' keeps on getting more urgent.

I'm fairly sure that my DH will either kill himself, become a hopeless drunk or shack up with someone (literally anyone) else and have a baby on the way within a few months. All of which would be horrific for our DC. I keep telling myself those things are not in my control but I don't really believe it and feel horribly guilty.

I also know he won't do this well - there won't be any conscious uncoupling from him! He'll argue in front of the children. Bad mouth me to anyone and everyone. Blame me. Use the children. It's going to be awful.

But I can't stay with him any longer. He hasn't worked for years. He drinks every day. Blames me for everything all day every day.... Is aggressive (not violent yet but I'm sure it's coming) and hateful pretty much all of the time. I just want to get away from him.

I don't hate him (he's clearly depressed) but I know I'll never be able to love him again.

Financially I'm OK. He won't be. Actually given that I've been supporting him for the last few years, my divorce-lawyer girlfriend thinks he could be considered 'dependent' in any divorce proceedings. My hope is that us separating will force him into getting a job but it's a feint hope.

Are there any rl support groups for divorce? We live in a rural area in the South West. I have very few divorced friends. Actually I don't have any....

Good luck @juneshowers19. Sounds like the right decision. I used to feel bad about my ex's feelings then I realised he's an adult and his feelings are not my responsibility.

Agree that this is the right choice @juneshowers19

Well I moved out this weekend - it's coming 12 weeks on Thursday since I told him.

Physically moving was fine and he helped (for sake of kids)
Emotionally I was a wreck yesterday because of the guilt I feel at hurting my kids - and only having them 50%

I know it's the right thing in the long run and I know I'm only 50% to blame for the breakdown but that doesn't stop me feeling shit

@DragonNoodleCake you've done it! Well done, it took a lot of courage. I'm in a very similar boat to you having recently moved out exactly twelve weeks after I told my ex. The guilt was awful to start with as he was devastated but it was easing up until I had to go on our prebooked two week family holiday! He spent two weeks campaigning to get me back. I felt no attraction towards him at all but we got along well (like the functional sort of flat mates we always were). He's now even more devastated than he was before as the campaigning didn't work and I'm still not returning. So....the guilt continues. When will it ever end????

Joining the club. Came to the realisation yesterday that i just can't go on like this. He's not emotionally unavailable. He's depressed and damaged but he's sought help an therapy. He works hard to recover but he has questioned how he feels about me. He knows his depression is unfair on me and the kida and it was him who first brought up leaving, then discounted it. But it's like him mentioning leavibg makes our relationship seem like something that could be just ended. Like 15 years of life together is something you can just end. So now I'm lying in bed thinking about how to do that.

There's just no space in this relationship for my feelings. I've been struggling and because i know i can't lean on him I've been quiet and withdrawn as i try to deal. He gently told me that me being withdrawn was making his anxiety worse. I think that was the final straw that broke my back to be honest. That his feelings were more important than my feelings even I was trying not to express my feelings. I haven't been able to stop crying since.

I'm going to move into the spare bed. I love him and lying next to him and wondering if he really cares is just too painful. We can't affors to separate right now but I'm applying for jobs. I hate that this will affect our children. Our son is especially sensitive to all this crap. I'm already planning what I'm going to tell his school so they're prepared for the fallout. And there will be fallout. There already is.

I feel so slefish. Like I'm giving up. Like there aren't enough reasons to leave. I worry about how he'll cope. I DREAD the idea of starting dating again. 15 years older having had 2 babies. I will miss the sex. I wont miss all the times i just wanted to be held but the idea if physical intimacy- even just holding hands - made his skin crawl. Watching him flinch when i, or one of our children, went in for a hug. Trying to stop the childreb making noise because it might make him jump. I just can't do it any more and it's breaking my heart.

@PickYourselfUp that al sounds so difficult and I'm sorry you find yourself here as well. The common theme many of us struggle with is the level of guilt about making this decision to leave. Then there's the idea that we don't have sufficient reason to leave because they're "good men" and that therefore makes us selfish. I know rationally that I have the right to choose a certain life for myself, that I have a right to be happy and don't have to stay just because he wants me to. However, it's like I'm programmed to think of my choice to leave as being selfish. The only way I'm able to get some respite from the gnawing crap of it is when I consider what I would be saying to my own daughter if she came to me in future after finding herself in the same situation. I would be absolutely telling her that life is short, grab what happiness you can from it, don't settle. I have to keep reminding myself of this over and over......

Well done all. It is ugly and painful but hang in there, they’ll be good times and more to come.
My ex is contacting people on sm and accusing them of having affairs with me. I’ll talk to him but may have to get police involved if he doesn’t back off.
I wish he could act more normal and just be reasonable for the sake of the kids and for both of us to have the best chance a better life.

Oh God Tired Optimist

There seems to be a running theme of husband's with mental illness or instability here. Good men who can't / won't be the men they should be and long suffering guilt-ridden wives....

Ugh.

Does everyone else feel defensive as well? Like I need to stand up for him whilst saying all the things that are 'wrong' with him as well as defending why I've stayed so long and even why I probably should stay now: try harder.

@PickYourselfUp yes, I have always done this. I never really complained about him to my friends or family but there was one person I confided in and they told me that I always defend him and his actions.
Even now, while we're in this weird limbo and he's attending counselling to work on his issues as he desperately wants our marriage to work, I still feel guilty like I'm the one destroying our family despite him doing it for years.

Pashola that’s exactly how I feel. It’s so hard and it’s sropping me moving forward.

Waiting for him to get home when I'm going to tell him I've moved my things out of our bedroom.

I feel sick

Oh my goodness...I completely feel you all.
Yes..you’ve got it in one. Ugh. @juneshowers19
@pashola @Ramble Completely understand.
@PickYourselfUp Are you okay?

I have some really difficult conversations to have and I feel quite worried about them.

Right now I am in my tiny apartment, watching a dvd and eating Smarties..so I’m going to cut myself a break for tonight. It’s been a long day x

@PickYourselfUp , hope you are okay after that conversation

Well I am feeling a bit rough, as I got invited by my new neighbours (all of them, they all related too outing to explain) for a G&T last night! It turned into a few. Anyway they've been so nice and welcoming. It's feeling better already. Had to go back to the house yesterday... well that was very odd and I'm glad to be gone.

Chin up today everyone x

Morning. I'm grateful to wake up to your posts @Tiredoptimist and @DragonNoodleCake.

I hope you're OK @PickYourselfUp

Everything came to a head for me yesterday. I had hoped to wait until the kids were back but it blew up yesterday morning. It's a mess. I knew he was unlikely to take it well but this is worse than I feared. I don't have the words to express what happened but I know we're headed for a horrible divorce and he's already dragged the kids into it. My poor son went to bed sobbing last night.

I'm devastated. I never wanted to turn my children's lives upside down like this. I feel so guilty. He's not going to work with me or try and co-parent. It's going to be hideous.

Oh God....

@juneshowers19 I am sorry, that is rough. Why the hell can’t they put the kids first?
If it helps, I completely understand. I walk on eggshells as any difficult conversations set off unacceptable behaviour and the kids seem to be collateral damage. I am always about to chat if needed x
I optimistically hoped for reasonableness and the best and least painful for all of us but have stories that could curl your hair.
From a practical point of view you need to get a decent solicitor (yes, expensive but no choice) and sort out access.
As far as your son goes try and be as normal as poss. Keep to the routine, tell him that you are sorry and adults cock up sometimes but it is not his problem and you will be sorting it out so everyone is ok...and do something fun...balloon fight for example (works with1-20 year olds).
You got this and it will be okay, even brilliant, in the end x

Oh @Tiredoptomist I’m sorry it didn’t go well. Sitting your son down and explaining that sometimes adults have to make difficult decisions that they won’t understand, that you love them and that it isn’t their fault helped me. As a positive my children have settled really quickly, H has been moved out a few weeks now, and tbh if we had moved they would have been even better. My H uses the kids I picked the girls up yesterday (he can’t have all the kids together!) and he was like thank you for coming to see me it’s been lovely seeing you as we were leaving really upset my daughter although when I had arrived she was fine, and I know if he wasn’t having such a pity party they would be fine. I didn’t dwell on it and she was fine quite quickly. Children are resilient and when your happier so will they be. The hardest part is done now just have to ride the storm. Sending you some positive vibes you got this xxx

@Tiredoptimist

Sorry to hear that - I know how it feels, mine went mental. It's only now 12 weeks later he's actually trying to parent together, I however suspect this is the new tactic to show me how he's changed so we can get back together.

Sorry last post was for @juneshowers19

This is for @Tiredoptimist - just be caring and consistent with your son, he'll be smart enough to pick up on who's behaving like an adult.

Sorry for my tag mixes I'm shattered today

Tired optimist I’m sorry it went like that. Hope things have calmed a little

Thank you all, so much.

I tried to respond several times yesterday but got interrupted each time.

DH started the day pretending nothing had happened; like we'd had some kind of minor fight. When I didn't comply he went into full on sulk-mode, made a big song and dance about taking the kids shopping for my birthday on Tuesday and then told our youngest two children (8 and 5) that Mummy didn't love him anymore

He's cut up the cards he had on our joint account and is overdrawn on his personal account so now has no money at all and no means of moving out. Unless he gets a job. Which seems unlikely.

I've made an appointment with a lawyer for when the kids go back to school. My best-friend is actually a divorce lawyer (albeit in a different part of the country) so she has put me in touch with somebody locally.

On the flip side, DS11 asked me outright if we were going to get divorced, I said probably and he said "I think you should". I can't decide if I should be more upset by that response than I am....

@juneshowers19 Keep going. This all sounds so familiar. Stbx seemed to try everything to make it impossible for a split... financial catastrophe, mental health issues, child guilt, complete denial, rallying my family, prophecies of doom etc. I just doggedly moved forward, reiterating that we needed time and space.
Trouble is, I really did need space. He is so possessive. Instead he has adopted all my hobbies, stalked me on SM and suffocated me with weird, emotional behaviour. I have felt genuine panic at times.
I still have wobbles, it is undeniably a little exhausting when you have such a campaign going on. Good friends help xxx

@tiredoptimist how are you managing contact with your DS if you don't mind me asking?

I'm aware that 50:50 should be my starting point but DH will just use that as another excuse to not get a job. Plus he's unstable, drinks too much and lets them eat shit, stay up late, no interest in their school work or activities.... All he cares about are his own immediate needs and desires. He behaves like an indignant teenager.

He wasn't always like this btw. There is a reason I'm posting on a thread titled "is it selfish to leave a good man"