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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorce support group?

265 replies

Atleastthedogisfaithful · 28/05/2019 17:32

Does anyone have any experience of any good divorce support groups either online or face to face? It is 18 months since my husband left me after having an affair for 12 months. I have found it a rocky road financially and emotionally with good days and bad days - I suppose I want some reassurance life will get easier at some point!

OP posts:
Spritesobright · 09/07/2019 17:15

Littlefluffyclouds, you are absolutely not that awful though! He's the one who gave up and left because of his problems, not yours.

I have read a lot about affairs and marriage and love recently and I really like this quote from renowned psychiatrist and family therapist, Frank Pittman.
"The concept of unhappy marriage implies that marriage is supposed to make one happy, which is a helluva lot to expect... The people who can not live without the high of romantic love may place a great burden on their would-be loved ones and are likely to have great difficulty being loving at all."

He says a lot of people who are depressed mistakenly believe that leaving their marriage is the 'solution' that will bring them happiness, but of course it doesn't.

Simon I'm so sorry to hear that you were crying at the school gates. But better to get it out and feel that pain because it's real, of course. Big hugs to you.

littlefluffycloudos · 09/07/2019 17:58

Thank you, online support like this is really really helping me as I can’t yet tell anyone in real life.

@Simonfromharlow I cried in the toilet at work every time I went today! Not sobbing but a tear or two. And then on the train home

blackvodka123vodka · 09/07/2019 19:21

Can my husbands mistress stay in our holiday home if it’s also in my name

LyraBelacquaSilvertongue · 09/07/2019 19:45

I would also like to join some kind of face to face or online support group. My wife (same sex relationship) left me 6 days ago. We had been married 6 months and were due to go on honeymoon in 2 weeks.

I know it could be so, so much worse and I am grateful this isn’t 10 years and two kids down the line but my team mate of five years has left me and my perfect life has been whipped out from under my feet. We were desperate for children and due to start the adoption process. I thought I had my happy ending that I never thought I deserved or would get. Turns out I was right.

I thought I knew her. I am broken.

Simonfromharlow · 09/07/2019 20:18

@LyraBelacquaSilvertongue sorry to hear about your wife. It's horrible thinking of the loss of your future. Be kind to yourself and vent here as much as you want to!

@Littlefluffycloudos sorry you were feeling the same today! :( must be the day for it. I think my trigger today was tiredness and I know that my ex is seeing the mediator this week. Also due on my period soon. 😫

Having an early night tonight hoping to feel better tomorrow! Hope you also feel better tomorrow!!

littlefluffycloudos · 09/07/2019 20:38

Welcome @LyraBelacquaSilvertongue and so sorry to hear what’s happened. It’s all so grim isn’t it

@Simonfromharlow tomorrow is a new day!

Spritesobright · 10/07/2019 14:35

@LyraBelacquaSilvertongue welcome to the group but also I'm sorry you're having to join.
How puzzling to marry you 6 months ago, plan to adopt together, and then suddenly leave. No wonder you're feeling totally distraught. Did she try to explain in any way? (mine did, sort of, but the answers were totally ridiculous so it didn't help).

I know you feel broken now but you will survive and in the process realise how strong you are. I know exactly how you feel about losing your 'teammate'.

I did realise though that if someone isn't really on your team then they're just dragging you down and the effort of trying to keep someone happy is extremely draining.

Spritesobright · 10/07/2019 14:38

@blackvodka123vodka I don't think there's anything you can do except try to speed up the divorce and force a sale of the house. It's horrible to feel out of control about it.

My ex wanted to introduce his mistress to the kids and there was nothing I could do except tell him that the kids would KNOW what he was doing and that it was wrong and he'd have to live with that. Luckily my threat worked.

Fth180519 · 10/07/2019 15:32

This is all so comforting. My husband of 6 weeks (see my thread) left my son and I last week. We had problems, mainly because I've needed support for my mental health and hadn't gotten outside help and being the pillar that holds me up got too much. I was shocked as couldn't see how unhappy he was but wish he'd spoke to me before deciding to leave. I feel robbed of a second chance I guess. But it's lovely to hear how well you are all doing and nice we can support each other. I also haven't told many people yet and haven't been able to face work yet either. It feels like my world has just crumbled in front of me

Simonfromharlow · 10/07/2019 15:33

@Fth180519 sorry you're in this situation. Just take it hour by hour to get through the day. I recommend telling your closest family and friends. Mine have been amazing!!!

Fth180519 · 10/07/2019 15:46

Hi @Simonfromharlow I have told my immediate family and best friend - they have been absolute rocks. Its just so hard to see any light in the darkness. I've enjoyed reading through and hearing the victories you guys have had! I can't remember who but one of you lovely lot tackled a spider, I hate them too and low and behold one in the bath this morning but I sucked it up and dealt with it! We are all amazing!

Simonfromharlow · 10/07/2019 15:49

Haha. Yes that was me!! :) I hated people saying it at the beginning but time really is a healer! I'm starting to feel vaguely normal now after 3 months. I can only imagine how I'll feel at 6 months, a year etc!

You will feel better but you've got to get through the hard bit first! Feel your feelings is my advice. Cry when you need to. Be angry if you need to etc etc. Do what you need to do! I had a shit day yesterday as I was tired to I went to bed at 8pm and feel great again today!

Simonfromharlow · 10/07/2019 15:50

And well done for tackling your spider!!!

littlefluffycloudos · 10/07/2019 16:19

Hello @Fth180519 sorry to hear that, it’s really shit isn’t it. How old is your son? My daughter is 4.....

Simonfromharlow · 10/07/2019 17:04

Tonight I’m stuck in a thought pattern of how could he walk out and leave a nine year relationship and 2 children. I know he detached before he told me etc but I still can’t get my head around how he could leave our kids, his partner of 9 years and our home without even wanting to try and make it better. I just can’t get my head around it. Every time I look at our children I just can’t take it in.

Ive been feeling so good lately and it's only come on in the last couple of hours. So frustrating!

littlefluffycloudos · 10/07/2019 17:24

I hate it. Me too. Was having a good day. Then burst into tears and am now panicked again

Simonfromharlow · 10/07/2019 17:26

Yep! I just look at my kids and they are so so lovely. Then I keep thinning of all the happy times and then I just think why. I wish I knew how to make it stop!

Simonfromharlow · 10/07/2019 17:31

I just keep thinking 9 years and 2 kids and he just walked out. It's like none of it ever happened.

Fth180519 · 10/07/2019 18:17

God I am so sorry if my story has brought you all down. I guess we all have good and bad days and the advice about feeling my feelings is a really good one. That's whar I've been doing. Today has been good for a change. Like you @Simonfromharlow I feel our situationd are similar (we were together 6 years prior to my 6 week marriage) but I can't comprehend how it can be a better choice to leave your children and not see them everyday rather than work on things. Be sad today guys, tomorrow is a new day, we can get through it for our children. @Littlefluffycloudos my son is 2, almost 3. He's taking it quite hard, he understands a lot more than 8 thought he would, been playing constant mammy and daddy games - even with his cars and has suddenly started throwing tantrums - which he has never really done before. Its so hard when you don't want your kids to be affected but they are. Sad keep strong everyone

Simonfromharlow · 10/07/2019 18:29

@Fth180519 Oh no don't be silly! You haven't bought me down at all! I've been in discussion with ex h today about changing all the bills over to my name. It's like another nail in the coffin. Making it just a little more final. Hopefully I'll feel ok again in the morning! You can talk about whatever you want whenever you need here if it helps.

I think men deal with things differently. They just shut off and don't think about it like we do.

Simonfromharlow · 10/07/2019 18:31

@Fth180519 and it does sound like a very similar situation! Unfortunately very common if you read mumsnet and similar forums.

littlefluffycloudos · 10/07/2019 18:45

@Fth180519 my change of mood was nothing to do with your post don’t worry!

My husband isn’t helping by constantly telling me how if he had any other choice he wouldn’t be doing this. And how he’s torn apart. And full of guilt. And so sad. He doesn’t accept he has chosen to do this. He’s made a conscious choice not to see his adored child every day. And not only that he’s made that choice for me too. Which makes me hate him

Simonfromharlow · 10/07/2019 18:49

Mine seems to have no remorse, no feelings. He's like a robot.

littlefluffycloudos · 10/07/2019 18:50

Mine has ALL the feelings. I swear it’s worse...

Fth180519 · 10/07/2019 19:15

Mine is trying to be friends. He can kindly fuck off

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