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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorce support group?

265 replies

Atleastthedogisfaithful · 28/05/2019 17:32

Does anyone have any experience of any good divorce support groups either online or face to face? It is 18 months since my husband left me after having an affair for 12 months. I have found it a rocky road financially and emotionally with good days and bad days - I suppose I want some reassurance life will get easier at some point!

OP posts:
Simonfromharlow · 17/06/2019 19:33

I need a hug

Underthefur · 17/06/2019 20:57

Aww @Simonfromharlow have a big hug from me x

Glad for those of you who had a good weekend but it seems like we're all feeling the pain of single parenthood having been forced upon us Sad

I feel the same today, wrung out is a good description. I'm sick of being the only responsible parent, the only responsible adult, the one who is responsible for bloody everything. I can't plan anything because I never know when or if STBXH will have DC and there's no way I'm asking him as he'd love to think he was doing me a "favour"

Have just felt like buggering off for a bit today

Simonfromharlow · 17/06/2019 20:59

Thank you x

Simonfromharlow · 17/06/2019 21:15

I miss him so much all of a sudden

spritesobright · 17/06/2019 22:17

Underthefur that's so rubbish that your ex isn't reliable with the DC. It's not a favour - they're his children! I know you see that but it's incredible some men don't.
And Selena I'm glad I may sound strong but I certainly don't feel it. Like you I have my good days and bad days.
I still occasionally fantasize that he will come back as well. Even though I don't actually want him back and am seeing someone new!
Simonfromharlow 🌻 In lieu of a proper hug. I know that physical ache of not having your constant companion there any more.
I used to go to sleep hugging a pillow it was so bad. I don't now though. A couple of months ago my ex actually hugged me unexpextedly and it was so weird - it felt completely wrong and icky.
I told him not to do it again!
Try to remember that you're missing the person he used to be and not who he is now

SelenaMeyer2018 · 17/06/2019 22:56

Such good advice about missing the person they used to be :) will try to find something similar for my Divorspiration Pinterest board.

Simon - have a hug from me too. And you too Underthefur.

I saw another thread on chat about the effects of the full moon 🌕 I wonder if this is playing into my mood (clutching at strawers!)

at work I am happy, with dc I am happy but it’s the evenings with time to think... I must get my arse into gear as I actually have loads to do that would keep me busy! Must channel thinking into actual doing energy!! I also just want the assurance that it does get easier and I will be happy once again.

ItsInTheSpoon · 17/06/2019 23:44

@Simonfromharlow a hug from me too x

You all sound very strong but maybe like me you have your times of feeling utterly alone in life? Obviously the children are a great joy but having nobody to help out (emotionally and mentally as well as physically) is a horrible feeling. Mind you, I long to have my home to myself & the children, instead of having ex around constantly judging me and being alternately falsely nice or maliciously messy....

Simonfromharlow · 18/06/2019 07:34

Thanks for all the hugs 🤗

Spritesobright · 18/06/2019 14:24

@Itsinthespoon Yes on this: "having ex around constantly judging me" - I try to remember this when I miss his 'help.' The truth is that he was judgmental, critical and moody a lot of the time.
My ex is off to NYC next week and we were discussing childcare arrangements - I started thinking up a joke about what he might get up to and then had to stop myself. Because of course and he can and probably will 'get up to something' (in fact already has). And that makes me feel physically sick.
This is why I can't be friends with him!! It still hurts. He took me on first trip to NYC when I was pregnant with DD1 and I have great memories of that trip. Ugh.

Simonfromharlow · 18/06/2019 15:46

I was thinking the same about the full moon when reading that thread! This is the first time I've missed him in weeks! Im also on my period which doesn't help! Also def think I'm missing the man he was as well. He's been a total prick lately.

I do go through stages with the loneliness. Sometimes I enjoy the alone time and other times the evenings feel empty and sad.

Simonfromharlow · 18/06/2019 15:49

I also think seeing him when he comes to collect/drop off the kids throws me out

spritesobright · 18/06/2019 15:54

Yes, I hate pick ups and drop offs. It's just so awkward!
H
At one point he was calling me 'en route' and then letting the DC do the last part of the journey alone (they were on bikes).
Much as it was nice not to see him, I had to explain that he needed to actually walk them to the door!

Simonfromharlow · 18/06/2019 15:56

I'm learning to drive so hoping I can do some of the picking up and dropping off when I've passed my test. Feel like then I'm
Not at his beck and call

ItsInTheSpoon · 18/06/2019 16:35

Ugh, they have all been to the same school of total arseholeness, haven’t they!

Simonfromharlow · 18/06/2019 16:38

Yes they certainly have haha

SelenaMeyer2018 · 18/06/2019 20:49

They’re all pricks.

Had to see mine tonight as have arrangement where he does pick up tonight.

Apart from the financial aspect I’m looking forward to having my own place where he will not need to come in. It’s one of the things I am focusing on...

Re: moon- I’ve also got my period. Early so was blaming perimenopause... now thins it’s the moon!!

I’ve taken to watching love island - think it’s on for another 5 weeks and is an hour of no thinking distraction which is not taxing!

One of the feelings that I am really battling with is the aspect of not having DC every other weekend - I didn’t have DC to be away from me. This really does feed into how much I dislike the man I married. Will this feeling ever go?

ItsInTheSpoon · 18/06/2019 22:56

@SelenaMeyer2018 how much I dislike the man I married. Will this feeling ever go? I am feeling like this right now. He has to interfere with anything he can to do with the DC, to try to make himself look wonderful to the DC - even if it was me the DC asked to help, and even if I am already starting to help. Grrrr.... I long for him to be gone

Simonfromharlow · 19/06/2019 11:21

Mine just wants to be super friendly. He keeps saying we have to stay friends because of the children, but it doesn't work that way and he doesn't see it. I can't even consider him as a friend until I've stopped hurting. I don't get how he can think I'm ok with all this. It's devastated me.

Underthefur · 19/06/2019 16:39

I think they do it (try to be friends) to ease their own guilt.

My favourite response to my STBXH when he wondered why I wasn't being friendly was "I wouldn't be friends with someone who'd hurt me 10% of what you have, why on earth would I want to be YOUR friend?"

He couldn't answer that.

Simonfromharlow · 19/06/2019 17:27

You're def right. Makes them feel better!

Simonfromharlow · 19/06/2019 17:27

Love that response! Perfect!

SelenaMeyer2018 · 19/06/2019 19:12

That’s the thing isn’t though - why would anyone want to be friends with someone who hurt them? Why don’t they understand this?
I keep getting thrown back at me ‘so much anger... so much hate... And the classic ‘you don’t have to do this alone’ er well actually since you decided to walk away, yeah I do especially as a) he is not particularly interested in the day to day to day about DC (the tantrums, moods, tears because it’s just us) and once when I did raise something to do with DC he accused me of trying to make him guilty and reminded me it was me he had left not DC - clearly not the case as DC is still with me!!!
Today has been terrible - I’ve delivered training to a dis-engaged group and DC kicked off this morning as I shook her vitamins 😐 so wanting a G&T but have no lemon and need to do work later. I’m so pissed off - sorry if that comes through on here

Simonfromharlow · 19/06/2019 21:40

This is the place to let it out! Rant away!

Spritesobright · 20/06/2019 10:15

Here you go Selena Gin, sorry it's not the real thing. Sounds like a tough day.
For me, the feeling of missing my DC when they are away has definitely waned and now I actually look forward to weekends when they are gone Blush. It just means I get a break and when I do see them again, I'm a better parent because I have more patience and interest in them.

I also think the feeling about how much you despise your ex will fade into indifference and possibly pity. A friend who got divorced 3 years ago says that's how she feels. She looks at the man he is now and thinks, "what a loser. And what a lucky escape I had."

I've heard it described as getting to a state of 'meh' where you just don't care what he's doing, who he's seeing, etc.

My ex had some real control/perfectionism issues that at the time made my life very trying. Now I imagine him in his head with that level of self-scrutiny and the desperation for control. It must be awful and I so wouldn't want to live with that again.

Spritesobright · 20/06/2019 10:18

@Simonfromharlow that kills me your ex is telling you to be friends for the sake of the children [hmmm]. Because I'm sure he had that at the top of his priorities when he left.

Such utter bollocks.