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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorce support group?

265 replies

Atleastthedogisfaithful · 28/05/2019 17:32

Does anyone have any experience of any good divorce support groups either online or face to face? It is 18 months since my husband left me after having an affair for 12 months. I have found it a rocky road financially and emotionally with good days and bad days - I suppose I want some reassurance life will get easier at some point!

OP posts:
Simonfromharlow · 20/06/2019 10:24

@Spritesobright tell me about it! He's just such a selfish prick. The whole thing has been about what he wants, he was wasn't happy, he didn't think it was worth trying and he wanted to leave.

Simonfromharlow · 20/06/2019 10:25

I think it comes from guilt

Simonfromharlow · 20/06/2019 12:52

I just amazed myself. Caught a spider in the bath and put it outside. I absolutely hate spiders so this is a big deal!!! So proud of myself !!

spritesobright · 21/06/2019 08:12

Well done Simon!! I love those mini victories.
I managed to fix the internet the other day and I was well chuffed.

Simonfromharlow · 21/06/2019 17:12

I was so so so chuffed with myself. It was only a little one but baby steps!!

SelenaMeyer2018 · 21/06/2019 23:39

Those baby steps are milestones on the road to recovery! Well done :)

So after a really bleurgh week I arrived a home to a letter from my ‘husbands’ solicitor staying he was starting divorce proceedings and has said its due to my unreasonable behaviour (I moaned about him never cleaning and got annoyed that he continually lied to me).

Any experiences? What does this mean - I was hoping to keep it as cheap as possible and go down the two years separation route.

Oh yeah, letter also said he is reducing what he pays each month... still it’s friday and the weekend :)

Emerald4512 · 21/06/2019 23:58

My (seperate) husband told me today that I have to pay for half of the work that is being done to the car he's driving and will take this out of the mortgage money he gives me! I can't afford the bills if he does that!

Bug834 · 22/06/2019 12:12

SelenaMeyer2018 when does the new UK no fault divorce start? I know they are bringing it in.

I'm divorcing my stbxh for adultery, did it online through gov.uk took 6 months to get Nisi. Just the divorce fees plus we have gone down the route of a financial order to legally separate our finances, which had a solicitors cost but otherwise I have done it on my own. Stupidly when he offered to pay the divorce fees, I then said we would go halves Confused - moment of madness.... However, no difference in cost then if we had waited 2 years.

I've tried to keep solicitors out of it and keep it as cheap as possible but if he has already got a solicitor and is trying to reduce your money and you think it could get tricky on the money side you might be better getting a solicitor. 🤷

SelenaMeyer2018 · 22/06/2019 15:44

Thanks Bug - it was a bolt out the blue as I thought we had agreed to the two year separation route; personally I think this is being driven by a financial need (he didn’t really think through the impact for his current living arrangements and also his mother... a massive part the the breakdown of my marriage). I’m interested in what the unreasonable behaviour is but that said, this is another thing that makes me just want him out of my life as much as possible. No consistency, not knowing where I stand - it’s almost as if he still wants to control me even though he isn’t here.

If this is the actual route to take does anyone know how long the process is? I need to read up but haven’t had a chance.

Also what is the risk of just accepting blame so I can be free-er more quickly? Will I be paraded around as crazy old witch type and children told not to look at me or is it just something that is written without context - although not sure what context will be provided...

The letter does mention mediation and options however now his contribution has been halved I will not be able to afford it. Anyone have experience of this? For example because he has chosen this way forward is he liable for paying?

Thanks all x

Simonfromharlow · 24/06/2019 08:21

Everyone doing ok? X

Spritesobright · 24/06/2019 12:52

Selena I'm sorry you got that shock at the weekend. He sounds like a nasty piece of work and I'm sure you're right that he's done this deliberately to try to 'get' to you.

From what I'm aware, the details about who is responsible for the breakdown of the marriage have absolutely no bearing on the financial settlement. It will help you to get a faster divorce though, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise.

So basically his reasons are "she's unreasonable because she wouldn't put up with my unreasonable behaviour." ha ha.
I'm not sure who's liable to pay for the divorce so I would try to get an initial, free consultation with a solicitor to get this information.

Spritesobright · 24/06/2019 12:58

Simonfromharlow all good here, thanks. I had another mini victory at the weekend - cleared and cleaned out the basement and then dropped off a load of stuff at the dump.

I also heard back from my solicitor and am feeling more hopeful that my ex and I might come to a financial agreement soon. I really don't want to drag this out much longer.
I had a lovely time with my DC at the weekend as well and I was thinking about how lucky I am to have them in my life and that even if the marriage failed, I got my amazing DC out of it and for that I will always feel grateful.
Incidentally, whilst cleaning out the basement I came across our wedding photo album. It didn't upset me and instead my thoughts were, "wow, I looked good on that day. And I was so happy." That must be progress, surely.

Simonfromharlow · 24/06/2019 13:04

That sounds amazing progress!! I'm glad you had a great weekend!!

SelenaMeyer2018 · 28/06/2019 20:52

Support group peeps!!

It’s all gone a bit quiet on here of late! Is everyone okay??

Simonfromharlow · 28/06/2019 21:49

Hey! I've had a bit of a shitty week and day today but having a nice evening and have lots planned for the child free weekend!

How are you?

SelenaMeyer2018 · 28/06/2019 22:15

Hey! That’s not good about the week but you’ve hit the jackpot with the weather for your child free weekend 😎

I’ve had an up down week - husband has drastically reduced what he pays towards mortgage so for this month, and until we sort out the financials me and DC are living on less than half of what we are used to Shock

Budget and batch cooking tips anyone wants to share?

It’s just another thing that’s makes me want him out of my life... I have however found a solicitor now which is a relief. But because my outgoings have now increased I’m not sure how I will be able to afford mediation so not sure what happens in this situation.

All this said though I am feeling stronger and happier and know that this is part of the process for me to be free; it’s gonna make me stronger. Hopefully!

Simonfromharlow · 28/06/2019 22:22

That's a bummer about the finances! Hate how we end up still so dependant on their bloody money!! Glad your feeling happier and stronger though!!

I'm so pleased it's sunny!! My friends have something planned for me but won't tell me what!!

SelenaMeyer2018 · 28/06/2019 23:46

They sound like lovely friends - enjoy!

Yes, me too. I will never put myself in this position again...

Simonfromharlow · 29/06/2019 00:04

Amen to that!!!!

Simonfromharlow · 01/07/2019 18:37

Everyone ok after the weekend?

spritesobright · 01/07/2019 23:14

Hi. Sorry for the silence. I've been away but back now to reality 😢
Simon what did your friends plan for you?
Selena sorry to hear about your finance situation. What a shit he is.
I'm still waiting to hear back on ex's financial proposal so we'll see.
I'm really trying to focus more on me and less on him.
I'll never understand what he did and I can't know if he will be happy again with someone else but I can focus on me. My career has been on serious brakes and I need to get a move on.

Simonfromharlow · 01/07/2019 23:24

Savoury afternoon tea ( they know me so well) and then boozing. Then we went back to one of their houses and sat in the garden drinking gin and chatting. Was so so lovely. Felt really really happy for the first time in ages!

Simonfromharlow · 01/07/2019 23:24

Did u go anywhere nice?

spritesobright · 02/07/2019 07:44

That's so lovely Simon, what nice friends.
I think we really need to hold to those happy moments to envsion what our lives might look like in future, once we process the grief and upheaval.
I was visiting friends in Paris and it was really nice. I felt sligtly like a third wheel because they're a couple and have a 4 year old and I was on my own. But I guess I'll get used to that (or just try to hang out with more girlfriends).

Simonfromharlow · 02/07/2019 09:24

I know I'm so so lucky! They have been literal life savers through all this! All my friends have! I see strengthening friendships as a massive positive to come from this!!

Wow Paris!!!! Girly weekend in Paris sounds like a good idea! You should go for it!!