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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorce support group?

265 replies

Atleastthedogisfaithful · 28/05/2019 17:32

Does anyone have any experience of any good divorce support groups either online or face to face? It is 18 months since my husband left me after having an affair for 12 months. I have found it a rocky road financially and emotionally with good days and bad days - I suppose I want some reassurance life will get easier at some point!

OP posts:
Littlefluffycloudos · 02/07/2019 09:27

I’d love the join any support group we can set up. My husband very recently told me he didn’t want our relationship anymore - as in last week - and I’m struggling with real life support for a number of reasons eg all my friends have solid relationships and young children and I also can’t tell many people yet for complicated reasons!

Simonfromharlow · 02/07/2019 09:31

Sorry you've had to join us! Welcome! You can rant or whatever you like!

spritesobright · 02/07/2019 21:56

Hi Littlefluffycloudos I'm so sorry you're going through this. The first bit is the absolute worst but it does get easier.
How are you holding up?
Can you sleep, eat, breathe? (Seriously I found it hard to breathe after the shock).
Is he moving out? Try to get him to do it quickly. Like pulling off a plaster.
Talking about it really helps so if you can't get friends to talk to, counselling is good.

spritesobright · 02/07/2019 21:59

Simon I totally agree that I have come to value my friendships much more through this.
Silver linings and all that...

spritesobright · 08/07/2019 20:21

How is everybody doing?
I had a lovely weekend with my DC and then ex was really impatient at pick-up. He refused to wait when we were 10 mins away in the bus and said he'd go and get the car washed instead.
When he came back he was telling us to hurry up because he'd left the car running ?!?
It reminded me of how irritable and impatient he is/was and how he wanted everything on HIS scedule and expected me to jump when he said.
Aaargh! Rant over.
I am doing sooo much better than I was a year ago but I still think about him and what happened and have dreams about it.
I feel like the financial negotiations have brought back all the emotions I thought I'd processed months ago.

I just can't wait to be divorced and over him!

Littlefluffycloudos · 08/07/2019 20:41

I’m feeling really down today. I went to a local event Saturday and it struck home just how much this area is full of happy families. Not that I want people to be unhappy (!) but I met loads of people (friends of friends) and they were ALL couples, there were no single mums there and I’m struggling to understand what my future looks like.

Littlefluffycloudos · 08/07/2019 20:43

Also my husband is being super nice and ‘understanding’ about how upset I am which somehow makes it all worse. He’s such a decent man. I just don’t get why he wants to split. I’d just stay together for our child as we still get on.

Miran · 08/07/2019 21:18

Has anyone ever tried mediation? I went for an assessment and left really intimidated by the mediator himself.

Simonfromharlow · 08/07/2019 22:38

@Miran I'm currently waiting for my ex to have his assessment meeting with a mediator. I found her really helpful and informative and feel that shes really going to help. I'm sorry you felt intimidated by the one you saw? was he recommended to you or did you just pull him out of google?

I had a nice weekend thanks! I'm starting to feel like my feelings are shifting now. I stopped waking up with the knot in my stomach and people have commented that I seem happier than I have in months! I'm still struggling with the little voice but I find it easier to ignore it now, hopefully I can silence it for good!

ive decided to sign up to an accounting and bookkeeping course to improve my career chances. ive only ever done retail so hoping to improve my situation a bit! plus gives me something to do during the long lonely evenings!

glad about your good weekend @spritesobright. I like it when they give you a little reminder of their bad points haha

spritesobright · 09/07/2019 07:23

Hey littlefluffyclouds sorry you're struggling. The happy couples/family thing is tough. I have managed to find other single mums to do those things with, or to bring along one half of a couple or a family member.
I also like to think of me and DC as a new, super tight, resilient family unit and I get them to help out more. It does get lonely though sometimes.
One thing to remember is that all thise "happy" families have their own shit- you have no idea what's going on under the surface.
I hate it when my ex is nice as well and I have the same thoughts about why it needed to end.
Then he does something shitty and I remember....

spritesobright · 09/07/2019 07:26

@Simonfromharlow so glad that tangled feeling is easing up for you. I remember it well. I couldn't eat for months.
A bookkeeping course is a fantastic idea. Go you!

idleandsunny · 09/07/2019 08:35

@spritesobright can I ask how you made those friends? I don’t know where to start.

My husband has never done anything particularly shitty that’s the problem. Everyone loves him. He’s so nice. He just doesn’t love me

Simonfromharlow · 09/07/2019 11:00

@Littlefluffycloudos the happy families thing gets me to me too sometimes. Especially as I work in a shopping centre on a Sunday so they are all out in force smugging about! Haha

I just think from the outside my old family would have appeared smug and there were issues so people may not be as happy as they seem!

spritesobright · 09/07/2019 13:51

idleandsunny they were mums at my DC's school. In the space of a year or two we had all become single.
I find the more openly I talk about it, the more people confess to me that actually, they're having marital problems or they split up from their ex but haven't told anyone.
Friends of friends maybe? If you ask around.

idleandsunny · 09/07/2019 13:53

Thanks @spritesobright have joined a couple of meet-ups so hopefully will make some new friends

spritesobright · 09/07/2019 13:55

ROFL at "smugging about" Simonfromharlow - that's hilarious.
Honestly though, I have such respect for all the kick ass single mums I know who refused to take shit from their exes or if it wasn't their choice they simply got on with it- because that's what mums do.
You are amazing, so hold your head up high!

spritesobright · 09/07/2019 14:01

Oh, and giving up on a marriage because you have fallen out of love but can't be bothered to try again, is shitty behaviour in my opinion.
Marriages require commitment and communication and I think someone who says that is just chasing a rainbow, frankly.
I know that's slightly controversial and some marriages have serious problems but if you were functional and happy and suddenly they just "fall out of love" without examining themselves in the process and agreeing to counselling then that's really selfish.

Simonfromharlow · 09/07/2019 14:07

@spritesobright that's what mY ex husband did. One day claimed he didn't love me and was leaving. We'd been on a 'date night' the weekend before. I was totally blindsided. He didn't want to fix it just wanted out. So selfish and made it hurt so so much.

Simonfromharlow · 09/07/2019 14:10

I keep feeling like I want to reach out to him but I know it's not a good idea and I know he's not interested anyway. I've started to feel more normal lately but the down side to that is when you have a down day it feels that much worse! I'm desperate for the time to come when I don't have any feelings for him.

Littlefluffycloudos · 09/07/2019 14:21

We had issues on and off for years I guess - mainly that we’re more ‘friends’ than in a relationship. He said it’s just gone too far now and there’s no way he could ever ‘think of me like that again.’ I feel like a sister apparently...

Simonfromharlow · 09/07/2019 14:29

That's what I was told too!! He said said the same phrase 'gone too far'

Littlefluffycloudos · 09/07/2019 14:58

Are we both married to the same man!

spritesobright · 09/07/2019 15:09

Ha. My ex said it "wasn't exciting" being married to me anymore but he still cared for me.
This was before I found out he was having an affair.
It is horrible to be blindsided like that, Simon and yes, it's the shock.
I did reach out several times to my ex and once showed up at his new place crying and asking if "she" was there.
She wasn't, he said he'd try again with me, we had crazy make up sex and within 2 days he was saying he couldn't do it. It was awful.
Part of what hurt was feeling like I'm not loveable but a year on, he is still miserable and has broken up with OW.
It's so tempting to reach out to him but it will just make you feel worse afterwards.

littlefluffycloudos · 09/07/2019 15:22

@spritesobright exactly. He couldn’t bear to be with me so strongly he’s prepared to leave his young daughter who he idolises and only see her some days. I feel like I must be THAT awful.

I feel so down today

Simonfromharlow · 09/07/2019 15:40

I feel totally down too. I was trying not to cry at the school gates tonight. Can't wait to get in bed.

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