I know how you feel Simon. I am sure that my friends must feel that it's all water under the bridge and why am I still talking about it. The problem is that it's all very real for me. And I rehash things in my head a great deal, trying to make sense of things and trying to understand my own feelings. It all takes ages.
So much of what happened was conducted in secret by him and I was left to uncover his betrayal. On top of this I lived in a very small community and we were local headline news for a while with people tripping over themselves to offer opinions. I find it very hard to be in the same room as any of his colleagues because they would have known what was happening and they all kept his secret. I find it hard if I ever run into his friend who helped him to carry furniture out of my home whilst the children played in the garden leaving me with empty rooms. I found it all so hard that I handed in my notice and moved away, having to get lawyered up in the process so that the kids could move with me. It was the right thing to do, but that community had been my home for 13 years and I felt driven out so that he could continue with his sordid relationship.
If this wasn't enough, 15 months later my mum got very sick very suddenly and I chased across the world to be with her. She died whilst I was somewhere above the Indian Ocean. Whilst I was sorting out her affairs alone, he instructed a lawyer to pursue full custody of the kids and I received the phone call on the evening of her funeral. Never once did he pass on condolences, even though he had known my mum for 25 years, the utter fucker.
So I fought him off with my excellent lawyer and I returned home to start a new job. Only now, a year and a bit on is my head anywhere near to being able to do my job to the best of my ability. I think my boss thought that he had hired a real dud and sometimes he will ask me what has changed. I say to him that this is the real me, previously I was in a fug of grief and confusion and not coping.
The recent icing on the cake has been his absolute cruelty in the face of me being diagnosed with lung cancer. His initial response was that this was the consequence of me not being very nice to him. And through recent surgery he has withheld access to the kids and has sent aggressive texts.
These are the actions of someone who was supposed to love me and I often think that it is unsurprising that I want to rehash things because it is all incomprehensible to me. Other people think "meh - a marriage breakdown. Get over it" But there are so many facets and so many random acts of cruelty that sometimes seem like they will never end. Unless you have been there, I really think it is impossible to understand the relentless nature of this kind of hurt coming from someone who made you promises.