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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorce support group?

265 replies

Atleastthedogisfaithful · 28/05/2019 17:32

Does anyone have any experience of any good divorce support groups either online or face to face? It is 18 months since my husband left me after having an affair for 12 months. I have found it a rocky road financially and emotionally with good days and bad days - I suppose I want some reassurance life will get easier at some point!

OP posts:
ItsInTheSpoon · 13/06/2019 22:22

Hi Underthefur, I hope you get to the end soon - it’s the limbo that’s agonising - I’m still there too Flowers

SelenaMeyer2018 · 14/06/2019 05:44

Morning everyone,

How is everyone? I’m okay - having very low contact with DH at the moment which seems to be helping stress levels... DC are with DH this weekend so I’m quite looking forward to having some me time. I’m knackered!

Now I’m feeling calmer it’s giving me space to think about next steps... Not to pry but how are you all working out possible child maintenance? This will feed into my financials re: can I take on the mortgage.

Thanks

Simonfromharlow · 14/06/2019 09:36

Seems like they always re write history to suit their narrative.

Spritesobright · 14/06/2019 09:55

Hi underthefur and singlemumfighting, welcome to our little thread.
I can't believe you've been doing this for nearly 3 years underthefur - how agonising! Yes, the rewriting of history is classic and such a mind f**k. I thought we were partners, best friends, deeply in love. In his version he was 'trapped' and apparently never wanted to get married. WTF?!
Selena I hope you have a lovely weekend and get some much needed rest. I know exactly what you mean about being exhausted. As much as I love my children, doing it alone is tough! What will you get up to?
I don't have a great strategy for child maintenance as my solicitor is proposing joint child and spousal maintenance. So she just asked for what my costs are minus my monthly salary. You can do the online calculator but in my view it really underestimates how much children actually cost. Not much help I'm afraid.

I had a bit of a wobble last night. I'm trying to feel upbeat and ready to take on the rest on my life but sometimes I just feel sad and a bit sorry for myself. I called my mum and she gave me a pep talk.

I went through a phase of crazy productiveness and upbeatness (I call it my manic phase), but recently I just feel tired and unmotivated. I'm surprised they haven't called me up on it at work. I really need to pull my socks up.

ItsInTheSpoon · 14/06/2019 10:22

I’m glad rewriting history is not just my ex. It makes me feel like I’m going crazy!

Simonfromharlow · 14/06/2019 10:25

Google the midlife crisis script. My ex is living it.

Simonfromharlow · 14/06/2019 10:29

I'm having a bit of a weird wobble today. Ex used to commute to London for work. Today I'm Getting the train to work. Sitting on the station. Look about like you do and my mind creates an image of him waiting on the London platform in his suit with a coffee. I couldn't breathe and sat trying not to cry. Why does the mind do things like this to us?

ItsInTheSpoon · 14/06/2019 10:53

Crap isn’t it! Flowers
I am having lots of weird dreams at the moment and it’s so disorienting to wake up, and inevitably affects my mood for the day.
I think we are probably all masters of managing not to cry and plastering on a “normal” face

spritesobright · 14/06/2019 11:16

Yes, classic script here as well. My question has always been, "where does it end?" But it doesn't matter now.
Dreams and daydreams (mental images?) can so unsettling. I think it's not surprising that our brains are still adjusting to this new "reality" and therefore getting a bit confused at times.
SimomfromHarlow I thought you were going to say that you'd actually seen him on the train platform.
I dread running into my ex unexpextedly and often have fantasies (nightmares) about runni g into the OW and what I might say to her.

Underthefur · 14/06/2019 12:12

Thank you all

@ItsInTheSpoon sorry if I've missed your story, how long has yours been dragging on for?

@Simonfromharlow the script is depressingly familiar, and I think quite embarrassing for the arseholes that follow it, they think they're being unique and true to themselves but they're really just carbon copies of an age old stereotype. Sorry you're having a wobble today, it's to be expected when they occupy so much headspace. I have found that these do lessen as time goes on

@spritesobright I can relate to the fear of running into OW, but when I actually came face to face with her for the first time I found it easy to hold my head up and completely ignore her. They'd just returned from holiday with my DC and the loving welcome I got from them in front of her was better than anything I could have ever said.

Child maintenance is crap isn't it? Mine pays the CMS minimum and sees DC when it suits him. No regular contact and very few overnights- even when he does have them he has them one at a time, leaving me no time to make plans or have any downtime. Arsehole.

I have found my language has dramatically deteriorated over the last three years Grin

@SelenaMeyer2018 enjoy your weekend, have you got anything planned?

Simonfromharlow · 14/06/2019 14:25

Luckily he now lives about 30 miles away so I only have to see him when he comes for the kids.

ItsInTheSpoon · 14/06/2019 14:33

@Underthefur I haven’t put details on here as my ex at one time stalked me on here.... but I find it really really helpful to “talk” to others going through depressingly similar experiences. (I’m the same with the swearing! Grin) It’s over a year since I said we needed to split up, and I never dreamed he’d still be here so long - nobody I know can believe it or understand it.

Simonfromharlow · 14/06/2019 14:57

@ItsInTheSpoon I also find it helpful sharing stories!

Underthefur · 14/06/2019 15:24

@ItsInTheSpoon sorry wasn't meaning to pry, completely understand your reluctance to keep details to a minimum.

ItsInTheSpoon · 14/06/2019 15:58

@Underthefur no it’s not prying - ex uses anything he can against me, to make me look bad. He was particularly nasty just after I said I wanted a divorce so I didn’t put much on here ... have recently started posting a bit more though, trying not to let it be identifiable. I don’t think it’s too outing to tell you that I divorced because of his increasingly manipulative and controlling ways ... sadly that’s too common to be identifying

ItsInTheSpoon · 14/06/2019 16:00

@Simonfromharlow hearing from other people helps me feel less alone (and I’m not going crazy) and we can all help each other get through

Simonfromharlow · 14/06/2019 17:12

That's exactly it!!

ItsInTheSpoon · 14/06/2019 18:47
Grin
Simonfromharlow · 17/06/2019 10:08

Everyone have good weekends?

Spritesobright · 17/06/2019 12:30

Hey Simonfromharlow, thanks for asking. I did have a nice weekend with the DC but also totally exhausting. I got to Sunday night and was relieved that their Dad was picking them up and then felt guilty and missed them when they left. Sigh. My life just feels so disjointed now.

I've also been seeing someone now for 8 months and we recently introduced our children. It went well but I think both of us are aware of how 'complicated' it is with jobs, exes, kids, etc.

I'm still so angry at my ex for leaving me to be a single parent. This was not what I wanted! Also, he keeps sending me 'nice' texts asking about work and telling me I'm a good mother. And for some reason this just pisses me off because I think he's only asking so he can feel better about his terrible choices.

How was your weekend, Simon? And everyone else?

Simonfromharlow · 17/06/2019 13:22

I had a nice weekend too thank you! I went to the gym, saw a friend and then went to work on Sunday! The kids were over the moon to see me on Sunday night when their dad brought them home so that was nice!!

I feel exactly the same as you re being left to be a single mum. My ex also acts like we a great pals and pisses me off so much!

Spritesobright · 17/06/2019 13:54

That's good to hear Simonfromharlow glad you had a nice weekend. Shame you had to work Sunday though.
Yes, it's sooo lovely when you do see them after a break and they are so happy and affectionate. Mine run to the door shouting, "Mummy, mummy, mummy!"

My boyfriend's daughter was talking about how her mummy is always "extra nice to us when we get back from Daddy's". It did make me laugh as I'm the same.

I honestly think they try to be friends to relieve their guilty consciences. I suppose it's better than him being nasty all they time, but still. It rings so hollow when they have in fact behaved horribly.

Simonfromharlow · 17/06/2019 15:32

Definitely to stop them feeling guilty!

I actually like working the Sunday. It's a nice short day and I only have to fill half the weekend so makes it a bit easier!

SelenaMeyer2018 · 17/06/2019 18:57

Hello all,

I had a quiet weekend - saw a friend, mooched round the shops, watched too much tv and just relaxed. My DC was also really happy to see me - as much as I miss them the break is a godsend.

My husband too also tries to be friends which pisses me off no end.

I feel exactly the same about this not being what I wanted - I never wanted to be a single mum but here I am and so far all okay. It’s still hurts though. Everything I do is, at times, a reminder of my husband and it makes me feel so sad still. I guess I just can’t give into it.
I find that I am having little daysdreams where he has changed his mind and I think how much easier it would be if he did come home but even if he did do that it’s too late now... he’s ruined what I thought was special and lovely. Then in my more clear thinking moments I am strong and think duck that do I want to be with a mummy’s boy who just lied and took me for granted?? No I do not!!!

Even though I am not remotely interested in a man I do find myself wondering if this is it for me, relationship wise? I’m 45 later this year... I’m part excited but also part sad that this is where I am!

You all sound so strong 💪 !!

Simonfromharlow · 17/06/2019 19:24

I feel like a wrung out rag today, mentally exhausted 😭

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