Divorce support group?

[Atleastthedogisfaithful]

Does anyone have any experience of any good divorce support groups either online or face to face? It is 18 months since my husband left me after having an affair for 12 months. I have found it a rocky road financially and emotionally with good days and bad days - I suppose I want some reassurance life will get easier at some point!

I'd like to join in. I am a year into the separation, started divorce proceedings in November last year.

I hate the feeling of limbo divorce creates- not knowing if I can keep the house or what the finances will look like.
And I utterly agree that the experience of being betrayed and lied to by the person you trusted most is soul destroying. To this day he has never given me a good explanation except to say that he "felt trapped."

So now I'm doing the single parent thing, uncertain of financesbecause I sacrificed my career to have kids. And HE was trapped!?

Last night we agreed a new access arrangement where he has the children 2 nights a week and
EOW. In my head I know this is right but my heart is missing my babies! ☹

Oh yes, completely agree Spritesobright - the limbo of the living/financial aspect and the contact arrangements for DCs.

As expected my DH has now started to threaten not paying the mortgage - trouble is that we are tied into a fixed rate for the next year and it is all my money that is tied up in our home (which isn’t very much and so do not want to lose!) I cannot believe that he would seriously consider jeopardising somewhere for DC to live. Then again I can’t believe that he has left our DCs!!

To help stay focussed by the end of the weekend I am going to have completed the DC contact diary, start the parenting plan, start my own motivational diary (goals, to do lists, things to do when DC not with me, things to look forward to etc etc) complete a circle of control to help me focus when DH has got to me... I also want to start doing exercise each morning. I’ve lost some weight (yay!) but have cancelled gym as cannot go as no childcare.

I'd like to join please! I separated from my husband just over a year ago, I'm hoping to get divorced next year!

Welcome to the not-very-enjoyable club! At least you can find some support on here - being able to talk things through with other people who are experiencing similar is so helpful

I find reading other people's stories almost comforting. I can't believe how many men go through the script.

I'm about to start the process. STBXH knows I use MN though so I'm being cautious about giving details here

It's the unfairness that gets to me most. I'm going to end up badly off and lonely in my old age when even by his own admission I didn't deserve it - it was all down to him.

And I sacrificed my career too. If I had DDs I'd tell them to never do that. Despite what the MRA twats say, the law is NOT on our side over this.

I sacrificed my career and lived a very nice lifestyle. Through no fault of my own I'm now going to struggle and have to move but ex h gets to carry on as he is. Makes me feel so angry

@SelenaMeyer2018 it's not fun is it? I have woken in the wee hours for the past year because of anxiety about the future. He has just sent me the latest financial proposal and it's basically him telling me to live on less, move, and work more. He is a VERY high earner and like you, I just can't believe that after all he's put us through, he wants to disrupt our lives further by making us move. (like NomDeQwerty I don't feel I deserved it all and he admits it was all down to his selfishness and inability to cope).

You're so right, Selena, about not feeling you can trust him anymore,
" I cannot believe that he would seriously consider jeopardising somewhere for DC to live. Then again I can’t believe that he has left our DCs!!" That's outrageous that he is threatening not to pay the mortgage.
I can't believe this either. It's having to do a complete 180 in my beliefs about how he would always love and protect me and the children and be loyal to us.

When he submits his financial proposals all I csn think is "how is he trying to screw me over now?" I really hope we don't end up in court but he keeps threatening it
SimonfromHarlow I feel exactly the same about the injustice of it all.
And I HATE now being in conflict with the person I used to love and trust the most.
I cried myself to sleep last night worrying about how I was going to cope and whether there is something about ME that made him stop loving me. I know that's crazy and I haven't had those kinds of thoughts for many months but being in divorce battle and him berating me over finances has made it all come flooding back.

@SelenaMeyer what is the Circle of Control??? I feel like I need that!
When STBXH talks to me, texts or emails I suddenly get very anxious, incompetent, and have the need to 'jump' at his demands.
He was very controlling, critical and dismissive the past year of our marriage (and probably longer) and it's really taken its toll on my self-esteem and ability to stand up to him.

Another one here. He left a few months ago. He had an affair. We tried to work on things. It was a sham as he was still carrying on with her (and lying about it). He moved back in and then out. Blamed it on me. I’m trying to relocate with the children to where we are both from. He agreed and then changed his mind when we got to mediation 6 weeks later. Nevermind that I spent most of those weeks clearing our house and selling half our things (which he knew). Trying to convince him to go back to mediation instead of to family court but I doubt he will. He also told me he was coming after me for his legal fees should he win in family court. For what money? The money in our house so I can’t house our children? I’ve been a SAHM for 6 years!
He keeps accusing me of taking away his children - ummm perhaps look at your own actions?

Feeling particularly cross today, he's made a financial suggestion which compared to many of you will sound a lot but it's 25% of his substantial salary (£1000) and he is saying he won't give extra to the kids as they are adults (at university) as he got nothing (except government grants of course!)

Spent the afternoon job hunting but I need to earn £30k min which is hard in this city anyway and more so when you have a disjointed cv due to house moves for his job. I've applied for so many over the last 5 years got nowhere. Just need to actually sleep, might go to the gp...

Stucknoue you're within your rights to feel cross, and don't worry, it's not divorce top trumps. I hate it when people suggest on these boards that you shouldn't complain because someone else has it worse. That's not the point.
I'm guessing your ex has rationalised his decision because he thinks the DC will live off 'free food and air' at uni?

Mine made a financial proposal yesterday and just reading it set me off for a bad night's sleep and a good cry.
It's really scary looking at the future and realising you will have to make do on much less because of someone else's idiocy.
It was his decision to leave so he should be the one making do. Sigh. I'm afraid it won't work like that.

And I hope you got some sleep. It's all pretty exhausting. I went to the GP early on and had sleeping pills prescribed, which I needed for a month or so. My sleep still isn't great. At least I don't have a guilty conscious nagging at me (as he should do).

HRMumness it sounds like he's projecting all the blame onto you. It really irks me when someone who has made a lot of mistakes and broken promises isn't remorseful but instead wants to inflict more pain by causing further disruption.

He's an idiot though if he thinks he can sue you for court costs. My ex keeps threatening to take me to court and I'm sort of at the point now where I think, "do you know what? bring it on." I don't want to spend the legal fees but if I just back down because he's bullying me then he wins.

It all just feels so unfair - at least that’s how I feel. And I feel stupid, going along with life thinking we were committed to our marriage when that was not the case...

The thing that I absolute cannot stand is the bullying behaviour (although in my DH case, it truly is a case of the apple not falling far from the tree) and I’m trying so hard not to start feeling like I have caused him to behave like this. When I am assertive I can tell it’s a trigger for him to speak to me like shit, and keep throwing back how he doesn’t want to be with me. Er, hello, it’s been six months now - I’ve got the message - but the fucking rejection! Each time it hurts but is lessening and goes to show what a horrible person he is. He is just not the person I knew. And to some level he still expects me to be ‘friends’ with him.

What I am absolutely not going to do is let him affect my confidence and self esteem. That’s said my anxiety is sky high and I have a constant worry about where DC and I will live.

This is a link (at least I hope is a link) to a circle of control - hope it will help focus me and reduce my anxiety about him but mainly the future, what’s within my gift and what isn’t www.habitsforwellbeing.com/the-circle-of-concern-and-influence/

I need advice please re home rights during separation and divorce. How do I apply to maintain my rights to occupation? Hr1 or hr2? I voluntarily left the home 18 months ago whilst we sorted out the house sale but my partner wants to keep me excluded until the sale even though all my stuff is still in there.

There are so many of these stories it's scary. I'm 11 months into separation but I am starting to understand I'm not alone in my struggles with everyday life.
I've been called bitter and a liar but really that is just my wife trying to cover up her tracks. Last weekend my daughter who is 13 said I was bipolar. So that must of come from my wife.
At this moment even though I'm only 37 I never see myself ever being in love again or even being loved and accepted for the person I am.
I don't want to make plans either like travel and holidays as I don't want to go by myself.

I know what you mean! Have you spoken to your GP about anxiety medication. My H has been really triggering to the point I was having panic attacks so he gave me something I could take to calm me down in those instances.
The bullying and control is unbelievable. Every time I try to take some control back he just finds a way of grabbing the power back. I emailed him to say why I thought we should go back to mediation and he promised to respond by a certain date twice and nothing. He was supposed to respond by last night, didn’t. When I rang him he was completely drunk and was incredulous that I wanted a response by the date he had promised me. I was shaking after I got off the phone I was so angry.

My wife was having the affair too and carried it on for 4 years, arranging trips at work so they could be together. Thd week before we split they went to Bristol and bath together with a group of kids( there both teachers). I just feel so sorry for his partner who still doesn't no.

tjlock2010 doesn’t it say in the form itself ? Or ask the solicitor or divorce centre. Good luck.

I think a support group would be amazing. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. My husband has behaved dreadfully through this. He left me, blamed/blames me.. I’ve been upset, sad, angry.. all the emotions under the sun. I’ve said things I regret throughout this, but only because I am so broken by him. He won’t take ownership for anything, he is manipulating, controlling, huge ego, has rarely apologised or showed remorse. He’s shifted everything on to me.. which has destroyed me. I joined tinder last night.. and deleted it about 10 minutes later. I couldn’t cope with it.. I’ve no confidence in myself, I’m a bad person.. I’m crap.

@aimeefrank

Please do not think like that about yourself. It is the people who have the affairs etc. that are crap, not the victims.

I have very little confidence in myself after my wife chose to cheat on me with a younger man. All the thoughts of ugliness, worthlessness and crapness have gone through my mind, but I'm determined to not let her destroy me. You must be strong and believe in yourself... I know this is incredibly difficult, but you have one shot at life and you cannot let the selfish and nasty behaviour of someone you loved and trusted implicitly take over and beat you.

Try to find one positive from each day, no matter how small, and use these forums as a crutch, knowing there are many other people out there going through the exact same thing and are sympathetic to your circumstances.

Take care

@AimeeFrank you are none of those things!! Don't be so hard on yourself!!

AimeeFrank - please try to not give into these thoughts. I’m guilty of them too but looking back at what’s happened is not going to help you move forward, which is what you must do for yourself.

If it helps I’ve also reacted in ways I wish I hadn’t but fundamentally and objectively it was not me living a lie/leading me on, it wasn’t me not prioritising our marriage, relationship or a joint approach to raising our DC, it wasn’t me that continually disregarded feelings and it definitely wasn’t me that was lying and being dishonest.

I bet if you can be objective you will see that it is not your fault. And that is what you need to hold onto to give you the strength to move forward!

How’s everyone holding up??