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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is this reasonable financial split and child maintenance?

266 replies

GerdaMyArse · 12/05/2019 17:14

I’ve been separated for over two years and the divorce is now happening (he is divorcing me).

My Ex is currently giving me £500 a month for our 13 year old child, paying school fees and sometimes other ad-hoc expenses like school trips. But this isn’t enough to cover all the music lessons and other expenses there are. I think that he should be paying more. I’m also thinking of asking him for spousal maintenance.

Also he doesn’t think a 70/30 split on the house is fair.

I don’t know what is normal in these circumstances. Advice please.

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 13/05/2019 22:31

OP I think, with kindness, people aren't agreeing with your view because they've been through exactly the same situation re him being the one choosing to break up but not had anywhere near as much of the financial support from an ex that you are getting.

So they're trying to warn you he's already giving you more (financially) and adhering to your wants and boundaries (access wise) than the courts would allow.

People are trying to help you, not stick the knife in.

My Ex has now said he wants to see my son for as close to 50/50 as possible - he never used to want this when we were first separated - and now all of a sudden he does.

Or maybe he missed his son terribly and the thought of seeing him as little as he does is upsetting?

Or maybe he's terrified he will be refused access due to your response to the break up so far, so is trying to get equal access as he can't assume you'll allow things to be equal?

Or maybe he's using it as a starting point in mediation because he knows you'll refuse it and it will get reduced if you have your way - giving him room to negotiate.

Or maybe he wants 50/50 custody because he's paying at least 50/50 of all housing, school and maintenance fee.

Misty9 · 13/05/2019 22:36

And my son says he hates my house and wants to go to his other home sometimes. When your son says that, you listen and you reassure him that although mum and dad don't live together anymore, they both still love him and he is allowed to love both of you and want to spend time with his dad. And if he still seems reluctant, you facilitate that contact and step back. Your job is to be as okay as possible so you can be there for your son. While you remain so bitter about the divorce that will be very difficult - and your son WILL pick up on that. Maybe his dad has realised what he's at risk of losing? Why can't dads have the right to love their children and want to see them as much as their mums?

Nat6999 · 13/05/2019 22:38

I haven't had any maintenance for over 2 years for DS now. Ex husband refused to engage with CMS, I would only get £7 a week as he is on benefits, but it's the principle that he won't support his son. You might not be getting a fortune but it's better than nothing.

BritInUS1 · 13/05/2019 22:41

You are already getting more than the required maintenance payments, so I wouldn't push for more. You are getting a lot more than a lot of people.

I think it might be time to consider moving your child back to public school

bratzilla · 13/05/2019 22:58

I hate my ex and was lucky to get £20 this week. He still has DS 2 days a week. It’s better to stay between two homes than not have a relationship with a loving father. He’s also paying you way more than legally required, he must be broke!

Breezy1985 · 13/05/2019 23:02

Also he has started a new relationship - I think this is why you're doing this. I never ever say this but I hope he goes through CMS and I hope he gets proper contact with his son.
I don't receive a penny for my children, he doesn't see them either, honestly your sons relationship with his dad is the most important thing here.

VanGoghsDog · 13/05/2019 23:05

I think this is just positioning so that he can reduce maintenance or pay none at all - my solicitor agrees with this.

Yes, you can spot this behaviour because it's exactly what you are doing. Well, the opposite to get more maintenance.

Tunnockswafer · 13/05/2019 23:41

It's a great solution to your childcare issues to have his dad look after him for ten days a month. Of course your son will say he doesn't want two homes - presumably he didn't want his dad to leave either. But he doesn't have the option of mum and dad together in one home, and you really think he's saying he doesn't want to stay with his dad sometimes? Even if you haven't said as much to your son he will know that his dad's hurt you and feel disloyal if he says he wants to see his dad.
It's awful to be left when you thought you were with someone for life. But that's the way it's fallen and you can make a better job of your life going forward than this.

amandabailey · 13/05/2019 23:43

16% of his net pay is not enough tbh, I think an amount fair is up to 25%

Boulezvous · 14/05/2019 00:20

A fair deal is one which you would be happy with too. You have to pay an equal share for the upbringing of your child and you should do your utmost to ensure your son has regular significant contact with his father. It is wicked to use a child to get back at his father by reducing access and preventing them having a full and loving relationship. You should not manipulate your child to say they don't want to stay with their father - you should be encouraging it. Otherwise you will be fucking up your child and when they grow up they will judge you for it - and think of you as mean and manipulative. Don't do it.

Clearly the school fees will have to go - they are a luxury you can't afford. Of course you will all be worse off as you will be living off the same incomes in two separate houses. A fair deal is a 50:50 split of all the assets. It doesn't matter who left who. If you insist on going to court I hope the judge enforced a 50:50 split,

So it's time to grow up and get real. And don't expect your ex to pay through the nose - he should be no worse off than you. So start working out how you can earn more or trim your cloth.

Gingerkittykat · 14/05/2019 01:07

This doesn't ring true.

You want your ex to do a round trip of 6 hours twice a week to see his child for a couple of hours at a time. He will have no home in the area so will have to take him out somewhere.

You should look into universal credits (replaced tax credits) to see if you can get some help. Maintenance not included in calculations.

You said earlier that "we" didn't want the divorce, meaning you and your son. It's not a team decision, and sounds like you are influencing him.

Do you pay the friend for her 10 days a month childcare? It sounds odd she is happy to take her son out of his home for 10 nights a month.

howlongcanausernamebebeforeits · 14/05/2019 03:23

Did your son have to move schools when you moved 3 hours away? He's had a lot of disruption. I get you're pissed at your ex op but you really need to consider how all this moving and animosity and less contact with his dad will affect him long term. He probably feels loyalty to you but at the end of the day he does have two homes now and he will end up staying with his dad too.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 14/05/2019 05:10

Have you approached the school for a bursary? Have you considered appealing for a place in the state school for your son? You can appeal once per school year, so if you appeal now in ?yr8 you could appeal again in yr9. I would concentrate on bringing the school fees down, encourage ex to move closer so he can have ds more an cut your child care fees.

OliviaBenson · 14/05/2019 05:20

Must say I’m finding it very upsetting that nobody seems to see my point of view here.

But can you not see why? You are going to be in for a rough ride with the courts if you carry on this way OP. That's what people are saying. I get you are hurt but you are being extremely unrealistic about a settlement. I know that's not what you want to hear but better to hear this now than be savaged by a judge.

And what's so bad about a father wanting to see his child more? How would you feel if it was switched and you had just 2 nights a week with your son? You'd be fighting for more.

wishingforapositiveyear · 14/05/2019 07:21

You really don't get it , the courts won't listen to your son as he's influenced by you for gods sake. He is 13 the courts would expect you as his parent to promote over night contact and support your son through the whole having 2 homes not move 2 hours away. Everyone on this thread can see what you are doing so will cafcas and this isn't going to go in your favour at all.

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/05/2019 07:29

16% of his net pay is not enough tbh, I think an amount fair is up to 25%

Well hes paying that based on 30 grand a year plus school fees, extras and all the travelling.

You have to consider that the NRP has to afford to live as well. Theyre generally the one to give up their home and get less in a settlement. They only have one wage to run their own home and contribute to their child. Its not easy!

TacoLover · 14/05/2019 07:43

But my son is SAYING that he doesn’t want to see more if his father and that he doesn’t want two homes

Oh I WONDER whyHmm it's not like you're filling his head with bloody shite about how his father ruined both your lives or anythingHmm

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 08:42

People aren’t more sympathetic because nowhere on the thread have you said that you and your DS have legitimate reasons for your DS not seeing his father 50-50. He sounds like a good dad; you haven’t suggested otherwise.

He’s offering to move closer once the house is sold. Therefore your DS can keep up his activities etc as his DF can help facilitate that. He doesn’t sound (from what you’ve said) obstructive to this - in fact he sounds extremely supportive of his DS’s timetable and opportunities.

Your DS presumably doesn’t have any special needs that mean only having one ‘home’ is paramount. I get that both you and would prefer not to deal with the two-homes thing, but it doesn’t have to be problematic unless you make it so. It’s about attitude.

As others have said, unless you have real concerns about his parenting, for instance, then you should be positively encouraging your DS to want to spend time with his dad and to live with him.

Thirteen-year-old boys don’t get to dictate terms over decisions as important as this without extremely good reasons. It doesn’t sound like there are any of those reasons.

00100001 · 14/05/2019 09:45

amandabailey "16% of his net pay is not enough tbh, I think an amount fair is up to 25%"

But he's paying school fees as well. so let's say they're "just" £500 a month. (Average is around £13-14k a year) so let's half that for the sake of fairness? That's £6k a year, PLUS the £500 a month CMS.

So, his highest earnings is £40k, take home around £2500 (assuming no pension payments) he's sending £1000 for his son (at least!) - that is 40% of his salary.
If he's on a 'short' year of £27k, his take home will be around £1800, so he is paying 55% of his salary

If ex was 'only' paying 25% of his highest salary, OP would only get £450-£600 a month AND from that pay for everything including school fees.

so she's doing just fine.

MummyOfTwo92 · 14/05/2019 11:08

@GerdaMyArse your son is saying it most probably because he thinks it's what YOU want to hear. YOU as a mother should agree to 50/50. I mean he is half yours and half your ex husbands. YOU stopped the over night vists etc. How would you feel if all this was the other way round I wonder? People are not being supportive because what you are asking is ridiculous and it does very much sound like you have put the idea in to your sons head about not wanting two homes and what you can get out of this man. This will all affect your child as he gets older. Not to mention their father and son relationship. You are being very difficult and as for him agreeing to you moving 3 hours away he probably felt forced on that. I don't know what you expected people to say?

sosoverytired · 14/05/2019 11:29

Pretty sure your ex will get 50/50 access due to the simple fact that you work away for 10 days a month. A judge will always consider it better for a child to be with a parent than with a family friend for that length of time.

With that said he will likely get 50/50 of everything so as he can provide for the time you are away.

It's fair and better for your son.

It's not about what you or your son WANT. ITS ABOUT NEED AND WHAT IS BEST.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 14/05/2019 11:45

@GerdaMyArse

My Ex has now said he wants to see my son for as close to 50/50 as possible

No he isn't! He is saying that he wants to see HIS son for a similar amount of time that you get to see YOUR son.

No one is agreeing with your point of view because it is unreasonable and utterly selfish.

MsSquiz · 14/05/2019 12:59

@GerdaMyArse would you feel the same way if your son turned round and said "mum, I don't want to live in 2 houses, I want to live with my dad full time"

Because, as you keep saying, what your son wants is what you must stick to.

You have a very skewed view of reality, and it makes me sad that your son will miss out on time with his dad because you are leading his thinking, and then you will miss out on your son because he will realise what he lost due to your selfish behaviour

Breezy1985 · 14/05/2019 13:16

Another thing - it's ok for your friends son to be shipped out of his home for 10 days per month, but not ok for your son to spend the 10 days in his father's home. How do you work that one out?

pikapikachu · 14/05/2019 14:01

Must say I’m finding it very upsetting that nobody seems to see my point of view here.

Which aspect?

Many people are poorer after a divorce. The Dad is paying more than double what he should plus presumably paying all travel expenses when with his son. As he's not from your new area, he's probably paying food and entertainment too. This was never a sustainable solution in the long-term. All those expenses probably add up to 50%+ of his income. Lots of people have tried to explain this. It's bonkers that he's in a private school when your ex is only on £30-£40k. You need to accept that your standard of living can't be the same post divorce. Lots of people (including me) are worse off compared to being married. Your ex is providing financially and supporting his son. Short of robbing a bank or winning the lottery, he can't do any more.

It's great that he wants to move closer and see his son more. Children benefit from being loved by many people and it sounds like your ex is a good Dad. You have to try and separate him as a husband and him as a Dad. Have you considered counselling? There's a lot of anger there which you really need to work on. You don't explain why your marriage broke down so if that's the source of your anger then we can't sympathise with what we don't know. I'm not asking you to explain why but it's the only area where you might get support from us.

It sound like your hatred of your ex has rubbed off on your son. You need to encourage that relationship for your son's sake. Don't try and punish your ex and hurt your son the most in the process. Your son shouldn't be forced to take sides in the relationship breakup. It is hard having your child stay away overnight regularly but it gets easier and it's with a loving father so you need to let it go.