Is this reasonable financial split and child maintenance?

[GerdaMyArse]

I’ve been separated for over two years and the divorce is now happening (he is divorcing me).

My Ex is currently giving me £500 a month for our 13 year old child, paying school fees and sometimes other ad-hoc expenses like school trips. But this isn’t enough to cover all the music lessons and other expenses there are. I think that he should be paying more. I’m also thinking of asking him for spousal maintenance.

Also he doesn’t think a 70/30 split on the house is fair.

I don’t know what is normal in these circumstances. Advice please.

[Misty9]

For a grown up child's perspective on this I'd have a listen to the radio 4 programme on parental alienation which aired on Sunday. I'll find a link.... suffice to say, the child was traumatised and still is, and ended up cutting contact with his mother for 3 years, only now rebuilding that relationship as an adult.

[Misty9]

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00051dz

[GerdaMyArse]

This is very upsetting. I had hoped other Mums on here would have been more supportive of my situation than this. I’m merely trying to provide for my son and stabilise his future. My Ex decided to move on from our marriage and is now spending a great deal of time with his new partner and her children. As far as I can tell he stays at her house far more than the former family home (which means he’s actually closer to where I live most of the time). He’s abandoned us, frankly and now has a new family. My son feels very upset by this. He has only met them twice and has told me that he doesn’t want to meet them again. He’s simply not ready for this. I honestly think that we are much better off without him. I’m not from the UK and may even decide to move back home to be closer to my own family.

[HotChocolateLover]

You sound greedy quite frankly.

[Zofloramummy]

You do realise that you would need your ex’s permission to move out of the U.K. with your son? And he hasn’t abandoned your son!! He sees him twice a week, is selling up and moving to be nearer to him and is asking for 50:50 care!!
Abandoning him would mean no visits and no money. Which is what a lot of mums on here actually live through.

[GerdaMyArse]

There’s more to this than you all seem to think... In answer to the previous question - the marriage broke down about four years ago - we are just incompatible - but we didn’t separate immediately and decided to live in different homes. At first this was completely amicable - HE agreed to that.
Then he started going on Tinder and making our son aware of his dating other women. I was disgusted by him being so up front about what he was doing and felt that a child should not have been aware of this. I still think it’s far too soon for him to be wanting our son to meet another family. He should do things in a more sensitive way and wait at least a few years to see if it a genuine relationship. I don’t understand why he’s even saying he wants our son 50% when he’s already involved in this other family.

All I’m trying to do is protect and support our son - I don’t understand why other posters can’t see that.

[notapizzaeater]

But it's not up to you to decide when he can introduce your son to his girlfriend. When he is with him he can do what he likes without your input (and same goes for you) you are really at risk here of loosing custody - judges do not like you cutting them off.

[ChariotsofFish]

The financial figures you’re giving don’t add up. Unless your ex takes a large part of his income as dividends and you’re not counting that when you talk about his salary? In these circumstances you have zero chance of spousal maintenance. You’re unlikely to get a 70-30 split on the house. You should absolutely grab at the £500 a month as it’s well over what he needs to pay. And you need to prepare your DS to leave private school quite quickly.

You are being very badly advised by your solicitor and should seek alternative legal advice ASAP.

[averythinline]

ignoring the race to the bottom of my ex pays nothing/3p a fortnight - I know it seems mean to you that he can do all this to you but unfortunately he can...

who owns the house?

you need a financial settlement agreement if there is property and a mainatenance agreement if there are children...

Do not agree to anything without legal advice..

Do not mix up finances of assets (house/pension)

with child based finance - maintenance..(which is based on overnights by CMS -but this is the minimum) which you can agree on seperately

Spousal maintenance is not that common these days if both parties are working...however can be depending on previous incomes and responsibilities
if the house is 50/50 and you are not living in it get it sold...or get him to give you the equity from it
you get 50% of the equity and thats your start for a new property

Your DS will have his views taken into account at court if they get involved...you do not need ex to come to your house he has to sort venue to see him but the starting norm is every other weekend- but id DS does not want to overnight then he will have to pay more maintenance-

Ideally you would sort this out through mediation though.....have you been through that step..? it seems odd that you are 2 yrs post the seperation but not worked this out more - have you seen a lawyer?

Once you know your financial situation you can then see if you are entitled to any top up state funding apart from Child benefit...

I think the cost of school fees is irrelevant to maintenance- as it was a joint decision - if he still wants to pay that it is not in lieu of maintenance but in addition ...

[ThatCurlyGirl]

He’s abandoned us, frankly and now has a new family.

But he absolutely hasn't abandoned your shared DS, he would like 50:50 time with him and to pay a huge chunk of the cost of living including school fees.

He's done the opposite of abandoning him, he wants him to have two equally involved parents. He also has the right to have a 'new family' and to introduce them to your shared DS so they can have a healthy relationship.

I know it hurts that he's moved on to a new relationship, I really do, but he hasn't moved on from his son.

If he had abandoned DS he would lawyer up, pay minimum maintenance and refuse to pay school fees.

Again I know it's painful but life isn't fair and you should give your DS to chance to have a close relationship with both of you.

[GerdaMyArse]

The house is owned jointly and I still visit from time to time and stay over - my Ex arranges not to be there because he refuses to talk to me at hand overs.

We did mediation earlier this year but he refused to agree to the split before child arrangements were made and is still insisting that this happens first.

[NoSquirrels]

We did mediation earlier this year but he refused to agree to the split before child arrangements were made and is still insisting that this happens first.

Either is it as you seem to believe, and this is because he is trying to pay you less money, OR it is because he is a parent being prevented from fair access to his child and he wants that written in stone first so you cannot renege on it...

Of course your DS finds it hard to see his dad with another "family". This is a serious downside of divorce for children, it is true. But it is happening whether you approve of it or not, and you can make it better for your son and teach him resilience and be there for him through this transition or you can make it harder than it has to be for him.

Read up on how to have a "good" divorce. Follow the steps. Go to counselling for yourself.

[Tunnockswafer]

O wad some Power the giftie gie us, to see oursels as ithers see us!

[pikapikachu]

Not getting along with his Dad's new partner and her children is a massive drip feed. If you focused on your son's difficulty with this you'd get some support as lots of kids and adults (when they were younger) have problems with this. My kids don't get along with my ex's gf and she's not there when they see him.

He may have abandoned you but hasn't abandoned his son. His actions suggest a man who loves his son very much so you have to try and stop saying "we" and changing it to "me".

[VanGoghsDog]

Don't forget the ex is also paying the mortgage on a house the OP expects to take 70% of the equity from and from which she currently takes the income of one of the lodgers!

[sosoverytired]

The marriage broke down 4 years ago, he is entitled to move on from you. From what you have said he seems to want to be there for his son.
Your son will adapt but only if you support him to do so. What did you say when you found out your son had been introduced to the girlfriend? How did you react??
You have the ability to make this easier for your son by accepting the marriage is over and allowing everyone to be happy and your son to have a relationship with his dad and girlfriend.

I'd say you need to speak to someone about your feelings so you can support your son the RIGHT WAY.

Your ex also sounds incredibly reasonable and generous but you may be pushing your luck.

[GerdaMyArse]

My Ex met up with his new girlfriend after only 8 months of knowing her (nothing! hardly an established relationship) - with both her kids - without telling my son what they were going for the day. It was against his wishes and he felt obliged to be nice to them. He didn’t know he was going until they were in the car.
When I found out that evening I was fuming - I’d specifically said that it was way too soon to meet up. My son was in tears so I phoned my Ex and told him I was very unhappy and asked him not to do it again.

Until my son actually says he wants to meet them again I don’t think he should - certainly not by being tricked into it like he was that day.

[GerdaMyArse]

I still don’t see why I should allow my son to meet these new people - when he’s telling me he doesn’t want to.

What if my Ex and this new woman split up? Then what? I’m just trying to protect my son from his father’s selfish whims and all the stuff that just seems to happen in his life.

Why should my son be dragged along with all that?

What I want is stability and enough money for us both to live securely and comfortably - and so don’t see what’s wrong with that.

I’m being a responsible parent - and I’m the main carer - not him.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

FFS 8 months is more than enough.
Your son will form and lose many many relationships in his life.
You are stunting his growth and babying him so much.
To be honest your Ex should probably be resident parent because you sound so awfully damaging.

[sosoverytired]

Tbh he probably didn't tell you because you would have prevented contact.

[ThatCurlyGirl]

I’m being a responsible parent - and I’m the main carer - not him.

But he'd like to be equal carer with you. You're totally justified to be finding this situation difficult, anyone would, but your son is also learning this is real life and it isn't always perfect.

If your ex was single would you be more likely to get on board with 50:50 split? He's just as much his dad whether he has a 'new family' too. He isn't replacing your son at all and I think you should be reiterating this to your son for his own security and wellbeing.

[Ginger1982]

So the marriage broke down 4 years ago, you're incompatible, you've lived separately since this....and yet you're harping on as if he's just left you and asked for a divorce and has 'abandoned' you which is clearly not the case!

Or am I missing something??

[sosoverytired]

And moving on from a finished relationship is not a selfish whim. Ffs he left you. Not your son. He wants a relationship and for everyone on his life to get along and know each other.
And you are preventing that it seems. While being grabby and greedy

[titchy]

Hell hath no fury...

[hsegfiugseskufh]

Its been 4 years. Get a bloody grip woman. You sound like dps ex with all the "hes left us and ruined our lives" bullshit.

Things change. People move on. Maybe you need to too. 8 months in a relationship is plenty long enough to meet someones kids and again, your son is telling you what you want to hear.

You wont come out of this well in court because a judge wont give a shiny shit about your exs girlfriend.