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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Is this reasonable financial split and child maintenance?

266 replies

GerdaMyArse · 12/05/2019 17:14

I’ve been separated for over two years and the divorce is now happening (he is divorcing me).

My Ex is currently giving me £500 a month for our 13 year old child, paying school fees and sometimes other ad-hoc expenses like school trips. But this isn’t enough to cover all the music lessons and other expenses there are. I think that he should be paying more. I’m also thinking of asking him for spousal maintenance.

Also he doesn’t think a 70/30 split on the house is fair.

I don’t know what is normal in these circumstances. Advice please.

OP posts:

wishingforapositiveyear · 14/05/2019 17:55

Op please dear god get the hell over it , you split years ago . Are you going to stay single forever ?! You aren't listening to anyone and you will have to listen to the judge who will no doubt make an order for shared care, if you don't follow this order you will end up with a penal notice or lose custody altogether.

MarieG10 · 14/05/2019 17:57

OP I'm sorry to say this.....but I can see why he is divorcing you.

You have totally unrealistic expectations and I would suspect your outlook is rubbing off on your son

sosoverytired · 14/05/2019 17:57

Ps I'd suggest you play nice. If he moves in with girlfriend he "could" reduce maintenance if the girlfriends kids live with them.
So don't be so greedy and don't bite your nose off to spite your face.

Mac47 · 14/05/2019 18:52

I get that you are upset and I understand the wish to protect your child. However, you are being very unrealistic. Your ex is not a high earner and no judge will see him penniless to pay what you want.
In my divorce, I moved out a year before we completed the divorce, so the money my ex paid off the mortgage in that time came off my share.
He moved 3 hours away - I had it written into the order that he pays for and does all travelling to have his fortnightly contact. I was happy to facilitate contact, but I didn't move, so was not prepared to give up my time or money for his crap decision.

Wittsendargh · 14/05/2019 19:00

I think you're being very unreasonable. I receive £200 a month for my daughter. She goes to state school but also attends a stage school three nights a week. She does gymnastics, attend swimming lessons and singing lessons. All of those extra activities have to come out of my budget, as the £200 I receive from the ex has to cover the essentials. And extra curricular activities are certainly not essentials. If you want the niceties and the extras, you need to fund these yourself, not expect them from the ex!

VanGoghsDog · 14/05/2019 19:20

Oh stop being so silly.

You don't get to veto who your son meets. You are both his parents, you BOTH get to choose how to parent him.

I agree that your son needs to live with his father. You do not sound like a good influence on him.

Dillydallyingthrough · 14/05/2019 19:24

OP it's been 4 YEARS!!!!

Get over it- you are not being a responsible parent, your ex is! He waited at least 6 months (which is what everyone advises), he is paying above and beyond what he can afford. Tbh your ex needs to be the main carer, it's not healthy for your son to grow up with this attitude of someone else supporting him forever, or not being able to move on. Let's be honest you've put this 'new family' idea in his head, rather than you reassuring your son.
You wanted your ex to be in a relationship for a few years before he introduced a partner to your son???? He could be married with a baby in that time.

Life's too short, let your ex be happy, support your son be happy and you need find some happiness for yourself.

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 19:51

Re money, OP expects even more than...
...what ex is suggesting contributing...
... which is more than...
...what the channels that be would require him to give.

Yeah I'd seriously go with the offer he's put on the table OP or you may well find yourself at the bottom of the list above.

Re access and introductions, what would you rather, that his dad in future waits and springs it on him when you've deemed it 'enough time'.

"Hi little xxx I've been with this lady long enough to tell you now so here it is, let me introduce you to my girlfriend of two years and our baby - SURPRISE!"

That's a fuckton more confusing (and dishonest) than him getting to know them now in a measured and healthy way.

TitusP · 14/05/2019 19:58

I am starting to think this is an MRA plant or something, no one can be this obtuse surely.

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/05/2019 20:05

I can unfortunately believe it. Dps ex did this routine. Dp (the idiot) paid the entire mortgage plus cms plus all school trips uniform etc etc and kids spending money for about 2 years. He moved on with me (after 2 years) and she did this "daddy has a new family and doesnt want you anymore" routine. She told the kids he loved me and my baby (wasnt even my baby shed just seen a pic of me on fb with a family members new baby) more than them. Told them all sorts of shite. Told the whole world all sorts of shite which of course wasnt true. We are 6 years down the line so 8 years since they split and she still texts him asking for extra money / complaining /telling him what a twat he is. She also told her kids our child had nothing to do with them. Wasnt related to them. Daddy would love it more than them. That resulted in sd (12 at this point) saying shed kill the baby before i had it and now we dont see her so..

I can believe it. Some people are twats. I hope for the childs sake that its bollocks though.

specterlitt · 14/05/2019 20:17

If you want financial stability, (even though he is being more than fair enough) get yourself a better paying job! Stop being so damn greedy. You are not entitled to what you've led yourself to believe, you want more? Get out and earn it.

Furthermore, 8 months is more than reasonable. I have a feeling you're poisoning your son so he seems upset over his father moving on because his mum is so bitter and cannot let go. The ONLY person being unreasonable and unfair is YOU, YOU and YOU.

Stop using your son and encourage a healthy relationship with his father. He is not only yours but BOTH of yours. You're just behaving like an arsehole right now and one day your son will grow up and figure out what you put him through if you don't stop playing games and do not push a relationship with his father. Your ex sounds like a decent human, you on the other hand do not.

specterlitt · 14/05/2019 20:24

This is very upsetting. I had hoped other Mums on here would have been more supportive of my situation than this. I’m merely trying to provide for my son and stabilise his future.

Um, what one earth? Are you that dense you do not see how unreasonable you are being? Your ex has been incredibly kind and fair to you, and yet your greedy arse wants more and more. If you want more financial stability, GO OUT AND EARN IT. Your ex does not have to give you what you want because you want it, he has his own life to live also! Stop this nonsensical selfish behaviour. I actually really hope he pushes to take this through the courts and fights you on its merits so that a fair deal is established and one that benefits the most important person in all of this - the son that belongs to both of you.

As for him moving on, your relationship has ended, he is allowed to move on and be happy. Yes he left you, he was entitled to leave you, if he was not happy with you he had no obligation to remain married to you. Stop being so bloody bitter. You're just as entitled to move on, instead of poisoning your son more, help him understand that mummy and daddy do still care for him, it's just that they were not working well together but they love him and nothing has changed in regards to that. Push for him to have a healthy relationship with his father and put your own bitter feelings aside - THAT is being a good parent. Stop using your son as a tool.

Your bitterness and selfish ways is why no one is siding with you, you are very transparent. Many posters have given you great advice and tried to show you reason but your bitterness just will not allow it. No one deserves to have be taken advantage of and that includes your ex, regardless of the fact he's a man and not a woman.

Grow up.

IceRebel · 14/05/2019 20:27

Tbh your ex needs to be the main carer, it's not healthy for your son to grow up with this attitude of someone else supporting him forever, or not being able to move on.

I've got to say I totally agree with this. It sounds like your EX can provide a much more stable and emotionally supportive environment. With you, your son is getting constantly bombarded with negative comments / discussions about his father, and praise and encouragement when he says he doesn't want to see him. I think he would benefit from being in a different environment where he's allowed to be a child, rather than your emotional crutch.

Wittsendargh · 14/05/2019 20:27

@specterlitt well put 👏👏

specterlitt · 14/05/2019 20:31

Tbh your ex needs to be the main carer, it's not healthy for your son to grow up with this attitude of someone else supporting him forever, or not being able to move on

I FULLY agree with this too! It seems his father is more concerned to bring normality back into his son's life and has not backed down from any financial responsibility, and is trying to be active in his life.

Please check your entitlement, you need a healthy dose of reality chucked at you STAT.

bratzilla · 14/05/2019 22:33

Nothing he’s done sounds unreasonable! He’s paying you a lot and he travels to see him twice a week even though you’re being deliberately obstructive. You’ve been separated two years, he’s entitled to move on. Accept he doesn’t want you but still wants your son.

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