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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is this reasonable financial split and child maintenance?

266 replies

GerdaMyArse · 12/05/2019 17:14

I’ve been separated for over two years and the divorce is now happening (he is divorcing me).

My Ex is currently giving me £500 a month for our 13 year old child, paying school fees and sometimes other ad-hoc expenses like school trips. But this isn’t enough to cover all the music lessons and other expenses there are. I think that he should be paying more. I’m also thinking of asking him for spousal maintenance.

Also he doesn’t think a 70/30 split on the house is fair.

I don’t know what is normal in these circumstances. Advice please.

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 12/05/2019 19:25

Honestly? I hope he has a good lawyer. You are responsible for half of the costs relating to your child. School fees, trips, music lessons etc included.

However, I would guess there is a little bull shittery going on given the salaries involved.

FabulouslyGlamourosFerret · 12/05/2019 19:31

This wins the prize for today's biggest pile of horse shit 🤣

pikapikachu · 12/05/2019 19:35

Are you in England? Your expectations are insane. On a 30k salary court would order just the £336pm. £500 plus school fees is the sort of amount that someone on £100k is paying. It's insane that you think on such a low combined income, you should receive enough to buy property outright.

You need to be careful here. A self employed parent can manipulate his earnings to decrease the amount of child maintenance payable and even if a court agreed to £500 plus school fees, your ex can appeal this after 12 months.

What are your local state schools and private schools like as it's hard to advise without knowing. Your ex is being extraordinarily generous agreeing to use his share of the equity on future school fees. Can I assume that he has no legal representation? If you go for a 50/50 split with him paying school fees then you may want to try and get him to pay the school ahead so you're not scrabbling for a state school place in 12 months. You need to hope that your ex doesn't get legal advice or a new partner who knows what's "Normal" and withdraw his super generous support.

Your son's attitude about staying with Dad is worrying. If he sees Dad twice a week then Dad's home may not feel like his home so the two homes thing is not something that he should worry about. Unless you have specific concerns not mentioned here I think you should be replicating your ex's generous support with generous support back to him.

pikapikachu · 12/05/2019 19:37

In England, divorce is no-fault. It doesn't matter who initiated it or behaved worst. Whether the couple are splitting amicably or one of them is a violent cheating drug taker, both would be treated equally in court.

RainbowWaffles · 12/05/2019 19:38

There is no way this is true.

trevthecat · 12/05/2019 19:40

Also, if you moved 3 hours away, have you already moved yours sons school? Surely he wasn't traveling that far when you were together?

Frankola · 12/05/2019 19:48

If he is classed as self employed you'll be lucky to get a few quid a week. I understand you don't want this divorce as you keep saying,but surely that is better than begging someone to stay who doesn't want to be there. Your actions (keeping your child from having overnight and pushing for more than you are financially entitled to) look very bitter from the outside looking in. I would play nice or your stbxh may go a formal route and you'll end up with much less than you have now.

Also, to second another poster...why cant you go get a better paid job instead of trying to get more from your ex?

DeMac74 · 12/05/2019 19:53

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Parky04 · 12/05/2019 20:14

This is not true. No one can be that deluded!

Schuyler · 12/05/2019 20:28

He earns max £40k and you expect school fees, £500 pcm and think you’re going to get spousal maintenance?!! Grin oh really?!!

MummyOfTwo92 · 12/05/2019 20:36

@Parky04 you'd like to think not but clearly she is! It's the child in the middle I feel for.

00100001 · 13/05/2019 07:49

You're very manioulative aren't you OP?

you say "DH lives 3 hrs away" - which technically is true, but what ACTUALLY happened was... YOU MOVED 3 HOURS AWAY

making out like ex is the bad guy, when in fact you;re the tosser fro up rooting your son at 11, moving him away from his Dad to live over 3hrs away.

and now you want us to be on "your side" when you want the dad to pay for every single little thing, and pay for you....? Confused

VanGoghsDog · 13/05/2019 07:54

I don't understand how someone who earns £20k has a job where they are away ten nights a month.

I also don't understand how the dad used to come for those ten days to look after his son, but it's three hours away so how did the dad work?

It's very clear the OP just doesn't want the dad to look after his son of have him overnight as that would theoretically reduce the child maintenance. Which is awful of her!

Original poster
GerdaMyArse · 13/05/2019 08:27

Lots of questions here... Still don’t understand the lack of sympathy.

My job is a particular one in the travel industry which involves me working away part time overseas for about 10 days a month. I have now arranged to cover this with a friend staying over with her son who is close friends with mine. I thought this was a positive move.

My Ex is self employed and can work anywhere, just with a laptop and doing the hours that suit him.

There seems to have been some confusion over finances here. I should add that my Ex was made redundant a couple of years ago and so we decided to spend his redundancy money on private school fees. It doesn’t come from either of our our monthly pay. I think his redundancy is nearly used up now and he is offering to pay for the rest from his share of our assets, although I am waiting for a good state school place to come up.

I still don’t understand why people are being so hard on me here - he’s messing mine and my son’s lives up. Also he has started a new relationship and I think she’s been turning him against me.

OP posts:
Original poster
GerdaMyArse · 13/05/2019 08:28

Oh and HE agreed to me moving 3 hours away!!! He agreed to that plan. It was his choice too.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 13/05/2019 08:38

You are not going to get that much money.

He's divorcing you because he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. That's his right. It doesn't make you a victim. You don't get compensation for that.

VanGoghsDog · 13/05/2019 08:41

I still don’t understand why people are being so hard on me here - he’s messing mine and my son’s lives up. Also he has started a new relationship and I think she’s been turning him against me.

He has every right not to be in a relationship with you. He has every right to start a new relationship. You've been split up two years, you need to move on.

Relationships end, it happens. It is sad, but you were posting about the settlement, not about the end of the relationship.

Once the relationship is over (even if only one side decides it is, it is!) all that is left is the child care and the money. You have to SHARE both. Share. Not 'bleed him dry and ruin his relationship with his child'.

Even if he agreed to you moving (I doubt you gave him a lot of choice), WHY did you move anyway? Plus, was you moving couched in " but you can come and stay with DS every month for ten days while I go to work"?
I wonder if you suddenly not being comfortable with this arrangement coincides with his new relationship starting....

I think you need to get a better paying job that doesn't take you away from home so much. It's not a good thing for your DS that he has neither parent with him for a third of the time and rarely sees his father.

MummyOfTwo92 · 13/05/2019 08:45

You want 70/30 and him also to use his 30 share to pay your sons school fees. Jesus where is this man? I want to tell him to stop paying anything other than what csa say!

Is the new relationship why your so bitter?

IceRebel · 13/05/2019 09:19

we decided to spend his redundancy money on private school fees.

How much are school fees each month?

rainbowlovesfroot · 13/05/2019 09:24

you are so unbelievably unreasonable.

There is no way you will get spousal support - you work !

It’s unlikely ur son will be able to continue going to private school- you don’t seem to earn enough combined.

If ur ex uses part of the house to pay for school fees, you wouldn’t end up with 70% anyway.

HE DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. That doesn’t make him a bad person at all. And if I was his new gf I would be turning him against you tooGrin

Victormeldrew1 · 13/05/2019 09:33

I thought spousal support only happened if the person is very rich and the wife wasn't working as she was a homemaker in the marriage
Although I could be wrong and I agree with other posters you really are receiving a hell of a lot so far and you seem very bitter and selfish I'd be very carefull cos in court you could lose all that money so I would play nice if I was you

BobLemon · 13/05/2019 09:47

I think the most shocking thing here is that the OP thinks a friends kindness in staying overnight is the long term solution to her childcare problem Confused

pikapikachu · 13/05/2019 10:24

Your ex can work from anywhere and you have a son who allegedly doesn't want to stay overnight with his father and you ask a friend rather than his Dad to cover this time? Extremely nasty considering that he's financially supporting his son far more than guidelines suggest.

Your ex might be disrupting your life but it sounds like he loves his son and is financially overcompensating because of the guilt of how things ended with you. I know you've been hurt but your language and clear bitterness is making things worse for everyone including your son. Financially punishing your ex isn't going to make you feel better.

Bluestitch · 13/05/2019 10:37

If I was your ex I'd be in court telling a judge that you are away 10 nights a month and leaving him with a friend rather than letting his own parent look after him. 13 year olds would certainly have a say in where they lived but it's not absolute and it doesn't mean that this arrangement would be viewed as acceptable. What happens in a medical emergency?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/05/2019 10:55

dear god op.

Well you say he agreed to you moving 3 hours away - lets be realistic, he didn't have a choice did he?

he hasn't fucked up your sons life, that's what you're doing all by yourself. YOU moved your child 3 hours away from his other parent, YOU stopped regular access and YOU are clearly filling his head full of shite about how daddy is divorcing both of you.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself OP, this is parental alienation and you will definitely NOT get what you want in court, and if your ex has any sense he will not give in to your absolutely ridiculous demands.

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