Is this reasonable financial split and child maintenance?

[GerdaMyArse]

I’ve been separated for over two years and the divorce is now happening (he is divorcing me).

My Ex is currently giving me £500 a month for our 13 year old child, paying school fees and sometimes other ad-hoc expenses like school trips. But this isn’t enough to cover all the music lessons and other expenses there are. I think that he should be paying more. I’m also thinking of asking him for spousal maintenance.

Also he doesn’t think a 70/30 split on the house is fair.

I don’t know what is normal in these circumstances. Advice please.

I hope his new GF has a brain and tells him that this is not normal and how to do something about it. I hope she stands up to you as well when you will inevitably blame everything that might happen in future on her.

I still don’t understand why people are being so hard on me here - he’s messing mine and my son’s lives up.

How is he messing your lives up? Because he is no longer in a relationship with you? That ended 2 years ago? As far as it appears from the information you have given on this thread, he is trying to come to a reasonable settlement, financially and in terms of seeing his son, after 2 years of trying to do it your way. And now you are restricting his chances of being a good parent. And you can't see why you are getting pushback? - from him, and from MN, who are telling you to open your eyes.

He can work anywhere with a laptop. He has always been willing to travel and cover your time away with work by taking on the parenting for your DS.

OK, it might be nice for your DS to spend a night or two with his friend. But it is a stupid decision to stop your ex parenting his own child when he is willing and able.

In addition, he wants to sort out selling the house so that he can move closer and have a home where his son can come to stay. And you are trying to disrupt that process.

He cares enough about his son's education that he is offering to pay the fees out of HIS EQUITY, and you think you should give him LESS EQUITY WITH WHICH TO DO THIS.

You work - you can get a mortgage.
Your DS might need to cut back on some activities.
That's life, I'm afraid. Sacrifices all round.
It sucks that your marriage didn't last. But you all need to move on with good grace or it will eat you alive, and you will fuck up your child's life far more than having an extra bedroom at Dad's flat will.

OP - I'm a divorce solicitor. I don't want you to be under any illusions here.

The income gap is not large enough for this to be a spouse maintenance case. You're therefore looking at a clean break.

If his gross income is £30k a year and he has no overnight contact CMS would make him pay £300 a month (£69 a week). On earnings of £40k gross he'd pay £92 a week (so £400 a month). The reality will lie somewhere in the middle of those two figures.

It seems to me that if you've run out of capital no court is going to make him pay school fees going forward. They're simply not affordable.

You are probably correct to be seeking more than 50% of the sale proceeds of the house, but that's on a clean break, and based solely on need. The court won't simply look at your need and ignore his. The greater the mortgage he needs to rehouse himself the less income he'll have for maintenance and school fees.

Your family unit would be crazy to pay school fees out of equity on property if either parties then had to rent instead.

Both properties should be sold and split, ideally leaving both parties with the means to buy their own property even if this would require a mortgage.

As for how to fund the school fees.. based on the information you have given here, family income of £60k with two household to fund, even with income from 2 lodgers, this does not appear to be something you can afford let alone extras on music lessons and paid for activities. Unless the property value is significantly greater than your joint income could reasonably be exoected to have funded. Maybe he made a huge amount of money earlier in his career and it is all tied up in these properties...

As for him looking after your son for 10 days a month and then you stopping this. He wants to move closer to you despite the fact that you moved away. Whatever the reasons for the split or your feelings about the fact that he has a girlfriend, your ex deserves the chance to have a relationship with his son and you are putting barriers in the way of this.

You need to start taking some responsibility for yourself and being an adult.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour alienating your child and manipulating them so contact is stopped. This will come back to bite you.

Finances:

• He earns £30k pa
• His take home wound be £23,938 pa
• From that he pays you £6k per annum + extras + school fees
• He has less than £18k a year to live on
• His CMS payment would be calculated at £3,588 pa. He is paying you double

• You earn £20k per annum
• Your take home would be £17,138 per annum
• You receive £1,076 child benefit plus more benefits I am sure
• Your income (minus child maintenance) is £18,214

You actually have more income than him!

I hope he takes you to court and sorts contact out.

Start financing yourself and being so grabby.

Your husband left YOU, he is divorcing YOU, not your son!

I would imagine he agreed to you moving 3 hours away so he could appease you and still be part of his son's life.

You are deluded and a narcissist! You are not concerned at all about the impact of any of this on your poor son! You are preventing him from spending real time with his father by choosing someone else to look after him when you are away rather than allow his father to look after him overnight.

I hope this does end in a 50/50 split of assets, and with your husband reducing maintenance to the CMS amount, with no additional extras being paid to you.
I also hope that his son chooses to spend more time with him and his your husband can spend that money he is not giving you, directly on his son.
Your son will soon see how bitter you are, and he won't like it.

Your son has 2 parents, he is not just your son! Don't make the mistake of thinking he will always believe and accept your bitterness towards his father

I got £150 a month for my 5 year old DS. He was also at private school. I got absolutely nothing extra for fees, uniform, trips etc. His school fees alone ranged from £150 to £850 a month. He inherited £180,000 and still made no attempt to help and actually e-mailed DS's school stating he was refusing to pay.

You're doing fine OP.

Wow!

Is the property abroad owned outright? Rented out to generate income? Given Brexit, can it sell? What is its apparent worth.

Same question for the house, how much equity is in it?

I think him offering to pay for school fees from his share of the house sale is admirable and shows he clearly has your sons best interests at heart. Realistically i think should be a 50/50 split for the fees but him paying and paying above CMS and adhoc is a very fair deal.

You'd be laughed out of court to ask for spousal maintenance, of course your solicitor advised it.... And will send several £150 letters to add to your bill.

Me..... I know a good thing when i see it and id take 50/50 and your current set up. You'd be a fool not to!!!

OP, I have sympathy only from the viewpoint that unfortunately divorce and no longer having a joint income impacts massively on any "lifestyle" you may have had. I had to give up everything, change my grocery shopping habits, cancel the gym and take up running, I haven't had a night out in more than a year. Everything is on a tight budget. I found myself in fuel poverty this past winter. This is not a position I ever imagined I'd find myself in. However, I have learned to adapt and manage and indeed do that on an income significantly less than yours. The life I have now is SO far removed from "before" that I couldn't have imagined being in it. There is the extent of my sympathy.

You are alienating your child from his father. How on earth is a friend staying with your child for 10 days a month while you travel a long term solution in terms of childcare? What if she doesn't want to do it anymore or her circumstances change? There is no way I would agree to such an arrangement long term. It's completely unrealistic. You don't want your son staying with his father because that will reduce your maintenance, however, your maintenance is not going to be anywhere near £500 a month going forward and also your child is 13, you only have a few more years where it will apply...along with child benefit and any other child related additional benefits you may be entitled to. You are now in a position where you will HAVE to cut back, OR maximise your income. It would be far better for your child to be able to stay with his father during the time you are away. You will have to work to a tight budget. School fees are not actually necessary and I imagine they will stop anyway if she find a reasonable school place. Your son might have to give up some activities. You can't have it all in this situation.

I understand you don't want to divorce, but it appears you just want the financial status quo to continue on indefinitely where it really is unreasonable to expect that. Both of you have the right to move on with your lives, form other relationships and be good parents to your son. You need to wake up I'm afraid, there is simply not enough money here for you to obtain the settlement to which you think you are entitled.

So are you contributing towards the mortgage on the family home while you are not living there? Surely if not then this should be taken into account during the divorce. According to the CMS calculator on 30k wage with less than one night a week visitation. The amount he would need to pay each month is £299 (not £500 + school fee's + extras)
You need to adjust your lifestyle you are clearly trying to live a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade wage

I don’t pay anything towards the mortgage on the former marital home where my ex lives - but I do pay a similar amount in rent for my flat currently.

in that case your husband would be a fool to even go 50/50 with you.

if I were him i'd be working out what I had paid into the equity since you moved out, taking that off the total equity and halfing the rest with you.

you're taking the piss out of this man, but you know that don't you.

Well of course you need to pay rent. And when you remortgage you’ll need to pay that too. It’s what being an adult means. Just because you share a child it doesn’t mean your ex is responsible for housing you.

This still hasn’t come out as a reverse, no? Gerda isn’t actually the new GF?

One of the reasons I don't do family court anymore is the sheer awfulness of so many cases.
OP, you're give ex wives a bad name. Just stop.

Op you have no lack of insight at all, everyone's has told you your unreasonable but your still playing victim and not listening to anyone, this will all come back to bite you. If you continue like this I wouldn't be surprised if your ex got full custody of your child , they take parental alienation very seriously and won't consider your sons supposed "wishes and feelings" when he feels like this because you are a manipulative woman .

No the wonder he's divorcing you OP. What a bitter and manipulative woman you are. The courts don't care who left who!! The fact you aren't paying into the family home might go against you if you're trying to claim the most equity on the house. I really hope he gets a good solicitor who tells him to arrange his payments through the CMA. You'll get far, far less.

Ah ha! Sounds like you stopping coming him coming to stay at yours is in reaction to him being in a new relationship.

Honestly, if this is how manipulative you are over the relationship ending, how were you during the relationship? You are being incredibly selfish, entitled and straight up greedy. You're capable of working and you work, if you're struggling on what you earn - begin looking at ways to increase your income. You are receiving far more than what the law would state you are entitled to yet you are still complaining and are ungrateful, it's pathetic.

He is entitled to leave you, he is entitled to start a new relationship - just like you are. You cannot keep someone married to you that no longer wishes to be with you - why on earth do you think he isn't allowed to leave you?

Considering your own words, your ex is being more than fair to not just his son but you too. The ONLY person making things difficult is YOU and you are refusing to see what implications this will have on your son which shows that his interest is not your priority. All you care about is how much financial gain you can get from your ex.

You have not paid a penny towards the mortgage despite earning, why do you think you're entitled to so much? Goodness, I almost wish I knew your ex so that I could advise him to get a solicitor, stop paying and go through the courts and arrange a plan legally as right now you are taking advantage and it is wrong. Imagine if the positions were swapped and your ex was doing what you are doing to him to you!

In regards to the new girlfriend turning him against you, taking into account how manipulative and greedy you are, I don't think she has to say much, you make yourself very unlikable with your behaviour.

The priority is your son, and he belongs to you both. His best interest is what matters and surprisingly I think only your ex right now has his best interest which is why he's doing everything he possibly can for you both, whilst you just sit bitter and trying to make things more difficult.

Pathetic, just pathetic. So many broken families and so many women do so much just to give their child the best, who receive so little but still encourage relationships with the father of their child, and then there's people like you.

OP if you're still reading I'll keep this simple. Children NEED both parents in their lives. Not just a couple of evenings. Yes, it's shit when kids have to move between two homes. BUT it's more shit when they lose contact with one parent. The best outcome is when BOTH parents stay actively involved in their lives. Which means parenting. Not visiting.

I speak as a recently separated parent. I hate that my kids have two homes. But I suspect it upsets me more than them. They adapt. And they still have both their parents - which is the most important thing. And fwiw, me and my ex share the kids 50/50 half the week each. Yes it's hard. But it's in their BEST INTERESTS given the situation we're in.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU it's about your son. Please realise this before it's too late.

But my son is SAYING that he doesn’t want to see more if his father and that he doesn’t want two homes. If this does end up in court I’m sure that he will still be saying this.

My Ex has now said he wants to see my son for as close to 50/50 as possible - he never used to want this when we were first separated - and now all of a sudden he does. I think this is just positioning so that he can reduce maintenance or pay none at all - my solicitor agrees with this.

Must say I’m finding it very upsetting that nobody seems to see my point of view here.

I say this every time... seek legal advice, don’t sign up to anything without talking to a solicitor

Your son is SAYING that to keep YOU happy.

Why shouldn't your ex go for 50/50? Have you ever considered that he actually might just want to spend time with his son?

Not everyone makes all their decisions based on money like you clearly do op.

Ill say it again - get a better solicitor.

Is this a troll? Anyone spotted the Daily Mail sad face yet?

Must say I’m finding it very upsetting that nobody seems to see my point of view here

I suspect this is rather a running theme in your life OP.