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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is this reasonable financial split and child maintenance?

266 replies

GerdaMyArse · 12/05/2019 17:14

I’ve been separated for over two years and the divorce is now happening (he is divorcing me).

My Ex is currently giving me £500 a month for our 13 year old child, paying school fees and sometimes other ad-hoc expenses like school trips. But this isn’t enough to cover all the music lessons and other expenses there are. I think that he should be paying more. I’m also thinking of asking him for spousal maintenance.

Also he doesn’t think a 70/30 split on the house is fair.

I don’t know what is normal in these circumstances. Advice please.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 12/05/2019 18:19

He doesn’t earn enough to pay spousal maintenance on top of £500 a month plus school fees!
Taking his top salary of £40k
He probably gets £2.5k net
500 CM
Average private school fees are £17000 per year so £1200 per month
That leaves him with £800 a month. Where exactly is your spousal coming from???

Original poster
GerdaMyArse · 12/05/2019 18:19

Of course I want my son to have a good relationship with his father - I’ve suggested they see each other twice a week.

My friend who stays over while I’m working away has a boy in the same class - my son loves this arrangement. I really don’t see what’s wrong with this. They have great fun together!

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 12/05/2019 18:21

You need a new solicitor, yours is bonkers. Are you in the UK?

You do know your ex husband is allowed to divorce you, right? Just because you don't want him to doesn't mean he therefore has to give you all the money.

Sell both houses, take 50% of the equity each, smile nicely at him for the £500 a month, thank him for the school fees, encourage DS to stay with his dad a few times a week, get a better paid job that doesn't take you away so much, buy a small flat for you and ds with mortgage if necessary, start new life.
Stop whining.

hsegfiugseskufh · 12/05/2019 18:21

Erm because he has another parent who could and should be looking after him.

I think youll get a mighty shock in court op.

mintbiscuit · 12/05/2019 18:23

I’m shocked your solicitor is suggesting trying for spousal maintenance Confused

MsSquiz · 12/05/2019 18:23

50/50 on the property, and have it agreed officially that he will be continuing the current amount of maintenance & school fees.

You can "intend to hold him to the £500 maintenance" all you want, but unless it is agreed in court by all parties, he can stop paying it and you won't have a leg to stand on!

And I think you are on another planet if you think he will pay you spousal maintenance.

You are just coming across as being all about the money - is that to teach him a lesson for divorcing you? As you keep saying it's all his choice to divorce you.

Sometimes you just need to know when you're onto a good thing and keep your mouth shut, else you run the risk of ending up worse off!

RainbowMum11 · 12/05/2019 18:23

Is there some back story here?
It sounds like, he wasn't happy and decided to end your marriage - you then take your son & move away.
Your son 'doesn't want' 2 homes, & you decide you don't want your ex to look after him in your flat anymore, so you stop your DS's Dad having overnights with him.
You earn quite similar salaries (his isn't hugely more than yours on average really), and you want him to split the joint properties 70:30, pay you £500 maintenance/month, pay the private school fees AND give you spousal maintenance on top?
No chance.

DantesInferno · 12/05/2019 18:23

My friend who stays over while I’m working away has a boy in the same class - my son loves this arrangement. I really don’t see what’s wrong with this. They have great fun together!

Because your son should be with his dad and you are blocking it
Your ds will realise what you did, and you will be very lucky if you have a good relationship with him in the future

Why is he divorcing you against your will? You sound bitter and grabby with your demands

MyYe · 12/05/2019 18:24

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MummyOfTwo92 · 12/05/2019 18:25

I'm starting to think you are really used to getting your own way and spoilt OP.

If me and my Dp split up I'd make sure the kids still saw him as much as possible INCLUDING over night visits. Don't discuss anything with your child about their father either. What happens and has happened is between you and him OP not your child as well. You have been very lucky with what is paid and has been paid. He sounds like a good father and decent man to me! It will be your child that suffers in the end if you keep "suggesting" and pushing

Pppppppp1234 · 12/05/2019 18:25

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AlexaShutUp · 12/05/2019 18:26

OP, you seem to think that your ex owes you because he has forced a divorce on you that you didn't want, but that's not how it works. The financial settlement is supposed to be fair to both parties, not punitive.

It doesn't sound as if you gave up your job to be a SAHM or to follow him around the world as a trailing spouse or something, so there is no obligation on him to compensate you for anything. You're an adult and you need to stand on your own two feet now.

Yes, he does have a responsibility to support your dc, but that's a shared responsibility and you need to pay your share too. I think it would also be in your son's best interests to maintain proper regular contact with his father.

Out of interest, why is your DS saying that he doesn't want to stay over with his dad? What are his reasons, exactly?

Original poster
GerdaMyArse · 12/05/2019 18:27

I still don’t understand why some posters are saying I’d have a shock in court. My son has made it clear that he prefers to live with me and only wants one home. My solicitor has advised me that it’s about the child’s wishes.

OP posts:
MummyOfTwo92 · 12/05/2019 18:29

Probably because you are making him feel forced. Jesus OP read back on some bits and how it comes across

Zofloramummy · 12/05/2019 18:29

I would suggest that perhaps his mums bitterness at the situation is at the heart of that. He hasn’t left his son OP, he’s left you. And you are preventing him from having a functional relationship with his son. That’s not acceptable no matter how pissed off with him you are.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 12/05/2019 18:29

So - what do you think is a reasonable split of our two properties - given he’s saying he will pay school fees from his share of the house? I think he intends to either pay in advance or save the money in another account (up to GCSE, possibly A level).

The value of the properties minus the projected school fees and then the remainder divided equally between you. So you would get less than 50% because some of the value will be paying for your son's school fees.

hsegfiugseskufh · 12/05/2019 18:29

Yes, it is but like a said a good judge full well knows when those "wishes" are caused by a child wanting to keep a parent happy, op.

Also your childs wishes wont get you extra maintenance, a bigger settlement and certainly not spousal maintenance.

IceRebel · 12/05/2019 18:30

My son has made it clear that he prefers to live with me and only wants one home.
Because it's clear that's coming from you.

My solicitor has advised me that it’s about the child’s wishes.
Your son could want a pony as part of the divorce settlement, or 3 holidays a year, it doesn't mean he'll get it.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 12/05/2019 18:31

My solicitor has advised me that it’s about the child’s wishes.

Your solicitor is telling you what you want to hear. Get a second opinion.

FuzzyLilac · 12/05/2019 18:32

WOW.

Zofloramummy · 12/05/2019 18:32

You should be encouraging him to stay over with his dad. Unless his dad is a coke head or alcoholic and therefore not safe to have access. But considering you don’t want to divorce him I can’t imagine that is true. No child wants their parents to split up, but as his parent you should be supporting his relationship with his dad. But I don’t think you want to do that.

SnapesGreasyHair · 12/05/2019 18:33

Why do you not claim benefits?

Ginger1982 · 12/05/2019 18:34

You are deluded! The average is usually EOW overnight and some night during the week. I also don't get how, if your son is so desperate for one home, that you stopped your ex staying in your flat to look after him. Clearly, he was only in one place then?

You sound unbelievably bitter and out for what you can get.

Zofloramummy · 12/05/2019 18:36

Probably because with no childcare costs and on her salary she won’t qualify for any?

Original poster
GerdaMyArse · 12/05/2019 18:37

At the moment he can’t stay over at his fathers during the week because of school - his father lives three hours away. Mr Ex can’t afford to live nearer to us because he’s still paying the mortgage on the family home (which will be sold eventually) so he can’t afford to buy or rent nearby. Until the divorce and finances are sorted it’s all very complicated.

Also there are lots of other activities our son is involved during the week, which means anything more than twice a week isn’t really possible. It’s better for our son to remain in the one home with our friends - and he is very happy with this new arrangement. Surely if he’s saying he’s happy and doesn’t want to see his father any more, then it’s fine?

OP posts: