Wife having affair. Refuses to move out

[Areallusernamestaken]

My wife is having an affair with a toyboy (10+ years younger). It's destroyed our marriage and I've asked her to move out.

She is refusing and continuing affair despite the fact it's incredibly upsetting and I have let her know as much. Our kids don't know what's going on yet but I just want her gone ASAP so I can get on with my rebuilding my life.

She earns enough to rent and will likely get around £100k pay out when things are done as I'm planning on buying her out of the house.

Is there anything I could do to get her out of my life? I can't stand to see her texting and getting tarted up to go see the dick who has helped destroy our family. The only response I get from her is "give me what I'm owed". I think the real reason is she wants to move in with toyboy but doesn't want his income to be used in any financial settlements.

Shit situation and I'm fed up of it, help!

Bummer.... bet they’re all feeding the beast, though!

The thing as much as you don't want to involve your children in the divorce the chances are that CAFCASS will be involved and they will speak to your children. And at 15 your eldest will be able to give an honest response to any and all questions about what happening at home. They will be able to tell the truth of who is being the 'primary parent' and who is disappearing at the drop of the hat, and that you are not stopping them having a relationship with their mum, but it is their mum who is causing both of them not wanting to be around her because of her behavior and not you.

Wow op just wow.

Just make sure she won't try to do anything to accuse you of violence /abuse and try and get custody of the DCs.

Yep, it's one of the reasons I've hesitated from shaming her or doing anything drastic, the worry of been accused of something I haven't done. I'm not really that type of person anyway to go public with my dirty laundry, but the threat of accusations, knowing she has already done it once over nothing does scare me.

Sounds like she’s doing a damn fine job of shaming herself!

Happy Father's Day to a fantastic caring Dad, hope you're having a wonderful day

Im with pp hope you have a happy Father's Day with your children

Thanks for the kind father's day wishes! Had a good day with the kids. Wife out with her dad and staying there until tomorrow evening. Nice and peaceful!

Solicitors and commencement of divorce proceedings next week to look forward to!

Ah yes, happy Father’s Day! It’s not Father’s Day until September where I live... you deserve a fabulous one with your kids!!! I hope you get heaps of snuggles!!!

Go in fairly hard would be my advice. Write 2 lists. What you actually want which you give to solicitor and what you'd except which you keep to yourself.

Update time...

Solicitor booked for next week (she is on holiday this week) to start divorce proceedings - unreasonable behaviour, with initial fees paid. Mortgage done, house valued etc. and I can draw down the cash to pay her off when I want, obviously when I have legal documents so she can't double dip. Told wife she has to get ready to be out ASAP.

Spent this evening squabbling about contents and child arrangements. Wife wants me to give her cash and her take virtually no goods, with goods valued at purchase price so I have to give her a fortune. No chance... she spent a load on wardrobes that are unbuilt which I want nothing to do with and new sofas (which she sleeps on) that likewise I don't want. Her car is also in my name and I can't change it to hers (3 years lease left plus damage [she has scuffed all the alloys]). Going to be a long process sorting this out...! I'm not interested in the money per se, but she is still obsessed with "getting what she is owed" without reason, so obviously I have to fight my corner.

Childcare is also still an issue. She said tonight our youngest is "not normal" and we might need someone to check her. Poor little mite just wants a normal mummy. I actually managed to get her in bath with mum watching her earlier (usually i have to do bathtime) . After 5 minutes her mum came downstairs to get her phone and then sat on toilet lid texting etc. instead of playing McDonalds drive thru or whatever our daughter wanted to do. Obviously this led to daughter not wanting her mum at bed time again and me been accused of poisoning her against her mum and daughter been labelled naughty etc. I also found out that wife has told her dad and people at her work that I'm preventing her seeing her daughter and stopping access, so a lot of people now think I'm a nasty controlling monster. I hate to think of others thinking bad of me, especially as I've done nothing wrong. It's hard to be civil with her any longer, but I know I have to be to get this sorted.

Fingers crossed this time next month I will be the sole home owner and she will be living elsewhere with divorce underway. I know the divorce will likely take a while (months), probably cost a small fortune (0% credit card at the ready!) but at least I won't have to live with her any longer. I will miss my children terribly if/when they spend time away, but am feeling positive about my future, whatever that may involve!

That's a good update I think. It's going to be a hard slog but you're doing the right thing at all junctures. I hope STBXW finds her own place soon and things can get settled for you all again with a new normal.

I'm hoping so! I've asked her for her share of June's bills and she is whingeing that she can't afford due to having to find a deposit for a house, so I think she has finally got the message. Whether she actually completes on the place remains to be seen!

She also asked me to be sympathetic despite the fact it's now 20th June and she hasn't paid for a thing since back end of May (incl food).

I still find it hard to fathom how the woman I once loved and shared a life with (and assumed would be with me forever) has turned into someone I can't bear to be around in the space of a few months?! I never expected to get over her, definately not within a couple of months! Reading this forum back its almost embarrassing to see my earlier comments where I was distraught about stuff. Now I'm just trying to get the practicalities done so I can move on.

Thank you all who have commented and supported me on this horrible journey. I'll keep updating things as I progress through my divorce!

Areallusernamestaken, you sound more upbeat - well done. I don't understand how my STBXW changed so much, so quickly, either: it's bizarre. Perhaps I'll never know.

Mine's not contributed to any household bills in 20 months. Also, she was offered full time work, but accepted it based upon just 25 hours pw, claims £700pcm Universal Credit, and is now apparently eligible for Legal Aid to fund her mediation costs in the tussle over our childrens' future care and arrangements. It beggers belief. She's a proper freeloader, mine is!

Yes, I realised been miserable, dwelling and what-iffery was just pointless. I'm sure some things will still upset me e.g. when she finally moves out and all her make-up, clothes and rest of her stuff isn't here, it will visibly be an end to things, but at the moment I just can't be doing with her.

I suppose I'm lucky in a sense she has a job, although that is where she went off the rails and found toyboy.... double edged sword! I don't think my wife is necessarily a freeloader, it's more of money jealousy, so comparing to others and now me. Ive taken over the joint account as my own, but she keeps logging in to check things, despite me telling her to not do it and get her name removed. I have nothing to hide or any secrets money wise, but it's annoying she feels the need to check-up to make sure she's not missing out on a single penny.

Change the bank account login. She not paying into it then don't give her access to it.

Does she still have access to the money.

Another torrid night with her, it's getting very tiring... she finally deleted the banking app, but is still reluctant to get her name removed from the old joint account "as the child benefit goes in there and that's in my name". No idea of the logic behind this statement as I've been sending her 50% of the value each month.

I've chopped up her bank cards so she can't pay for things like that, and honestly, after solicitors fees that I've had to pay there's not a lot left, especially as she has yet to pay for any of June's bills!

I really hate having to chase her for things as she just gets vicious and angry. I get accused of only loving money, not caring about anything else, and then she starts ranting on that she wished she'd had an affair earlier as I never loved her and our marriage died years ago. Blah blah blah... I don't know why she is continuing to try and hurt me? I think it's getting to her that I'm not reacting anymore. Historically I'd get upset by her words and likely give way to make her stop, I think she's struggling with the fact she isn't getting her own way any more... in effect having an adult paddy!

I know it'll be over soon, and I'm really not suffering mentally or anything, it's just very hard to know I've got this to look forward to every night after kids go to bed!

Hi Op
With regards to taking kids to Paris, it's simple. Just contact court and apply for it. It's just a form. I've done it before. It's just 5 mins in court and judge will pass it irrespective of what your wife wants. The judge will stipulate when you must return by, i.e., don't do a runner as they can charge you with abduction.
You will probably find your wife won't even bother to go to court, as her solicitor will advise her, she's unlikely to be able to stop you.
Don't let your kids be dissapounted. I took mine to Canada for 2 weeks.

The break will do you all good to just be free of keeping up a pretender. The judge will completely take that on board. Do not be derogatory ref your wife in court as judges really don't like this. Many couples mud sling.
Just stuck to the facts and emphasise the trip is for the benefit of the children.

With regards to your current situation, I too am separated from my husband for very similar reasons....in fact on numerous occasions. He had moved out but tends to be at my house far too often for my liking ( our don has been poorly) like you, I just want him out of my life. My son is finally showing improvements so he will have no more excuses.
My husband is seeing someone, but he still puts his filthy hands on me in front of the children. Honestly, I just want to throttle him, but my young two are oblivious.
It's so toxic. I know he's not here for my son. He's here as he's 'keeping his options open'
Im convinced he's just taken out a loan using my address which I'm sure is illegal. I feel for you, I really do.

Areallusernamestaken, the friction is not easy in our similar circumstances. I just ignore all the bs and nonsense that gets spouted. Unless she talks to me about the children, I ignore everything else; I don't get drawn into mud slinging; I ignore and don't take to heart any insults, accusations or criticisms that she throws at me - I see these as her trying to blame me for the failure of our marriage (which was caused by her adultery, her affair, her drinking, her dishonesty, and her lies).

Suggest you rise above it all, hold the higher moral ground, and be a good example to your daughter. And keep an eye on your mental health and wellbeing. It'll be tough, but you'll get through it.

@Ozziewozzie, the thread has moved on a lot since the OP, have a read of it or at least Areallusernamestaken posts.

Still thinking of you concerned she’s not paying anything towards the mortage though change passwords to bank account

It's been a few days since I updated things.... Good news is that my wife seems to have had a reality check and we have managed to discuss things properly and arrange sensible childcare arrangements. It's agreed that it will be 50:50 for youngest, but with a very slow implementation so that she gets used to staying at her mum's house (yet to be found at this stage... we live in a popular area with good schools and transport links so properties are not easy to find, although wife is looking at somewhere tomorrow).

Contents have been agreed too so that my wife takes the new things she bought in the last few months (highest in value), I keep the majority of things in the house and will continue to pay for her car which is in my name, but can't transfer across. All of this means that there won't be any transactions between us, the kids keep a family house that is familiar and I'm not going to be left with a car I don't need.

Ive also got the mortgage offer, conveyancing details to transfer into my name alone and solicitors lined up on Thursday to start the divorce.

So I think I'm almost there with the practicalities. My wife seems more reasonable than of late and actually talked to me normally today about kids. I made tea for all of us and it was the first time in ages there wasn't a weird atmosphere. Our marriage is definately over, no chance of ever reconciling, but I'm actually starting to feel happy about things. I cant see me wanting to be overly friendly with my wife, but I think we will be amicable, which is good for the kids.

In all honesty I feel sorry for my wife as she is leaving everything behind; her home, majority of contents, probably eldest child and loving husband who'd do anything to make her happy. Im not sure if she will find happiness elsewhere, but im content now with the way things are. We still have to tell the kids, but at least for now, it seems the atmosphere and tension has gone.

As promised, I'll keep updating things as and when anything changes. I'm not naive enough to think things will run completely smoothly, but there is definately light at the end if the tunnel!

@Areallusernamestaken thats great to hear and thanks for updating, you've found a lot of supporters here, although virtual I hope it's brought you comfort. You've really done yourself and children proud, hats off to you for remaining so mature about everything, its paid off in the end, good for you! X

@jackio2205

Thanks. Yes, I think deciding to post on here, despite not been a mum or a woman was one of the best decisions I've ever made. The support has really helped me through things. I guess if you are a nice person who tries to do the right thing, then nice things come your way despite feeling despair and anguish at the start if this journey.

I do worry that I'm missing something though, as divorce is meant to be one of the toughest things to go through and as I said I feel pretty ok considering. The worst part for me was the period up to finding out and splitting up where my wife was incredibly selfish with things, I was denied basic human contact e.g. no hugging or even a kiss on the cheek, ignoring me and my thoughts/emotions and just making me feel lost, confused and lonely. It was at this stage I lost a lot of weight and shed a few tears.

I do miss human contact e.g. a hug would be nice every now and again, but I've come to terms with things and accepted what has happened.

I'll keep posting on here when there are any updates or if people are kind enough to reply. Hopefully only good news from now on!

I hope my story does help others in that you can get through horrible periods in your life and struggles with relationships, despite feeling awful, if you focus on doing the right thing and trying to keep negative emotions at bay by looking at good points in your life, no matter how small they may seem.

I do worry that I'm missing something though, as divorce is meant to be one of the toughest things to go through and as I said I feel pretty ok considering

It probably because you have mentally separated from your wife. I think most divorces one of the party is still 'in love' with other party involved and do not want to get divorced.

I hope your STBEXW, continues on this path and not flip flop back to her angry self when she receives the divorce papers.